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Strange and Embarrassing Moments - Incest, schadenfreude, and GIANT WASPS FROM HELL
cyphr
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
IT'S BACK!!!
Here's some previous incarnations of D&D's crown jewel, in case you're not doing anything in the next, oh, 72 hours.
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=6566
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=51240
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=57766
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=57773
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=72759
And now, on with the stories!
So I stopped at Starbucks this afternoon to grab a coffee before I went out apartment hunting. When I walked in there was a teenage guy in one of the big comfy chairs with his girlfriend sitting on his lap. They were reading the paper or something, whatever. The other customer in the store was a lady studying the available snacks quite intensely. I made sure she wasn't in the middle of ordering and then went ahead and paid for a coffee. I got handed my coffee and was turning to leave when the lady says (loudly) "Lovebirds!!"
"Okay", I think to myself, "one of them is her kid, she's getting their attention, who cares." They don't respond and she says (louder) "Lovebirds!! Can I buy you anything?" I don't hear a response and keep walking towards the door.
"I know there's something you want, lovebirds!" I've reached the door at this point, and as I'm in the process of opening it, my mental model of social interactions completely implodes on itself.
"Come on lovebirds, I have a teenage daughter, I know she'd want something!"
SHE DIDN'T KNOW THOSE KIDS. I went to my car and sat inside for a while, trying to come to terms with the idea that batshit insanity is only a Starbucks away.
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I believe that would be "Dammit Alanis Morissette, give me your ketchup!".
I can't remember the cucumber one, though...
edit: beat'd.
Edit: Beated.
That was awesome.
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
It really is the best thing.
PSN/Steam/NNID: SyphonBlue | BNet: SyphonBlue#1126
Until someone shits another diamond, and then it's Oooh and Ahh, and later there's running, and screaming ...
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
But anyways, so she's going out with my neighbor now, which is interesting because he's a BDSM fetishist, but I've said that story before.
So last week I'm trying to get to sleep early because of a lot of shit. But I start hearing kinda quiet gasps.
Then ooohhhh
And my roomate looks at me, and he says "Is that...is tha-" and I reply "yeah, that i-"
And I'm cut off by a yell of "ohh my GODDD you feel soo fuckinn good in my ASS"
Then my roomate and I stared at each other for a second and put our headphones on at full volume.
Shame.
3DS Friend Code: 2165-6448-8348 www.Twitch.TV/cooljammer00
Battle.Net: JohnDarc#1203 Origin/UPlay: CoolJammer00
Right when we started the project I came down with a stomach bug and missed 3 classes, so I got back and was amazed to find out that my group had actually done the home page for the site, the slogan and well.. They picked a posterboy.
Right after I signed in my absences and my missing work I was greeted with smiling O.J. Simpson wearing a pair of new sneakers along with the phrase "The shoe fits."
So I had to go back in and make everything over again once the teacher realized what my partners had done.
He wanted to sell Ford Explorers!
3DS Friend Code: 2165-6448-8348 www.Twitch.TV/cooljammer00
Battle.Net: JohnDarc#1203 Origin/UPlay: CoolJammer00
He was also originally cast as The Terminator in the original film.
(ITT: O.J. Simpson Trivia)
But yeah, that project got some pretty interesting results.
And she's got the nerve to turn to me and say, "Do I know you?"
So I start looking around, and it hits me.
I'm in the wrong line at the DMV.
She's retired now, but she used to teach science to middle school kids at a public school in Queens. She'd dealt with punk kids, so far as I understood, and she never really gave away her ground when they'd try to pull their shtick.
Well, when I was 13 or 14 (I am 29, now), I thought it'd be a terribly clever idea to prank phone call her as a way to say hello. I'd deepen my voice slightly, say something funny, she'd get that it was me, so she'd play along for a minute or two until one of us ran out of ideas for responses.
I pick up the phone, dial the number, she answers, "Hello?", and with as deep a voice I can muster, I announce, "Hello, this is the I.R.S."
Her response came angry, loud, and quick: "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" and she slammed down the phone.
I'd never heard my family swear before, at least, not like that. I'd heard my mom say it referring to work here or there, but I was the oldest child so the family usually guarded their language for the kids sake. It took me a minute to process what happened, and I thought I did something really bad if it elicited that response. Fortunately, my mom laughed it off and tried calling her back to explain what happened.
My godmother didn't answer her phone for the next several hours, and didn't have a voicemail so we could at least tell her that way.
She finally picked up and when we told her it was me, she was absolutely aghast; I still remind her of it every once in a while, just to tease her.
OH MY GOD
TL;DR: Don't forget about boiling eggs, they explode and smoke and sound like gunshots.
I don't know why, but I can't stop laughing. This is the best thing ever.
http://www.instantrimshot.com/
Yay the bestest thread ever makes a return!
I never finish anyth
If you click that button a whole fuckton, it makes a drum- and cymbal-roll.
It has to do with how I found out about the PUA culture. Unlike most of you, I didn't read about it here or in something awful.
I told a really ancient dirty joke to a table full of drunk girls in a bar. They all gave me incredibly dirty looks and got up and left.
Now, I'm used to being shot down but not quite in this fashion. So I actually asked one of them, like, "hey what the fuck?"
And she said something about pickup artists being lame too me
and I was like, "Seriously, I have no idea what you are talking about."
She's like, "you're one of those pickup artist guys"
I'm like, "No, I don't think I am. I'm more of a pickup doodler"
She's like, "you're funny"
I'm like, "seriously I have no idea what you're talking about."
She starts explaining it too me
It turns out I was in the bar a scant 18 hours after the premier of this tv show
It's a show with that [URL="The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women Into Bed,"]Mystery[/URL] guy. For the uninitiated, he essentially teaches very expensive seminars on how to flirt, like a giant, creepy, raver version of Hitch.
The girls were all roommates and had all watched the show together the night before and he used the same (probably 50 year old) joke in one of his "routines"
so that was awkward.
I host a podcast about movies.
unless you were
which is fine
i guess
My friend was on a dance team and her team was hosting some kind of fundraiser at a bar. I'm not into the bar scene but it was $1.50 CDN drinks til midnight and it was for her team so I went.
Anyways, $35 worth of drinks and tips and I'm thinking I'm hot shit. I start prancing around the bar, accosting random men, declaring myself the "offical chest hair inspector" and lifting their shirts... I'm shit faced. I don't really remember most of it, but I've pieced together enough of it to know that at some point, I "chest hair inspected" this teenage werewolf type. Apparently I told him to speak in an Irish accent, then grabbed him by the chest hair and started making out with him. After some time, I broke off and announced "I'm done! See ya!" and waltzed off to drink some more. I pulled the same act on some other guy whose chest hair was sufficiently lush... and then the bartender started buying me drinks. By this time, I was wearing about six pairs of beer goggles, so I was all :winky: "why hello stranger. Come here often?"
Anyways, the night rolls on and I'm just shmammered. I ended up in the bathroom consoling some girl who was puking (all chipper and supportive was I), and then I puked. I was a mess. Makeup running down my face, puke breath, sweaty... and I still think I'm hot shit. The bouncer is knocking on the door and I'm cheerily saying "thank you, I'll be done in a minute" between bouts of vomiting. Then the bartender comes in to get me. And I'm hot shit. So he asks me for my number and I scrawl my number and e-mail address across his entire arm (I think I scribbled on his face too, because I thought that was... cute?) and head home.
Few days later, this guy e-mails me to ask me for a date. I don't quite remember him, but I'm pretty excited because clearly I am so charming and cute that I can pick up even when I'm drunk. And then my friend sends me pictures from the bar web site... pictures of me and this guy, all chummy-chummy. He is a shorter, darker, younger, less attractive version of Jean Chretien . Right down to the slack, post-stroke mouth. Teenage werewolf was George fucking Clooney compared to this guy.
So the moral of the story is if you're plastered, covered in vomit and sweat, last person in the bar, stanky, skanky and someone still wants your phone number... they are probably about as narsty as you are and you shouldn't be flattered.
And I never drank that much ever again.
The end.
We can pretend I'm a dude. It's funnier that way.
That's usually what I do.
But you won't let me hump you in the butt
Shmammered. What a great word for it.
Beat me on 360: Raybies666
I remember when I had time to be good at games.
That's what the links in the OP are for. Anyway, here it is:
Trowzilla and the Cucumber Scroll down a bit after the story for the funny Durex ad as well.
A few days ago we thought we had the house to ourselves so we started going at it like rabbits. It was a Saturday morning quickie but due to story-irrelevant circumstances we hadn't had sex in three weeks so I was feeling especially vocal and expressive:winky:. I was biting down on my hand but I know a few stray yells made it out loud and clear.
When we finished I wrapped myself in a blanket to run to the bathroom and grab some toilet paper. When I opened the door my boyfriend's mail fell out of the door. His mother usually picks up the mail and when she does she just sticks it in the crack of the bedroom door if we're not home or busy.
I guess she came up to the door to deliver the mail and must have heard us... getting busy. Special delivery!
I crawled back into bed for post-sex snuggle time. He was horrified, poor guy. He had this weird grin of horror and embarrassment for at least an hour.
We snuck out of the house and avoided his mother. Later that day we had to face her because we had dinner plans. She's a pretty open broad so I think she would have said something if she'd heard us but she acted totally normal. I think perhaps she stuck the mail in the door while we were still in Saturday morning snuggle mode but I'm not really sure... either way, there was a moment of mortification for my boyfriend and I.
The cucumber one was one that I don't think I'll forget for many, many years to come
edit: beat'd, but its worth it