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My girlfriend doesn't want to have sex
Andrew
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I am in my second year of university. My girlfriend is in her second year as well. I am 20 years old and she will be turning 20 shortly. We have been dating for two months and have known each other since last spring. We are teammates on one of our school's sports teams. She is my second girlfriend (but my first at uni) and I am her second boyfriend (but her first at uni). We have gone up to third base (manual and oral). I am a virgin.
She doesn't want to have vaginal intercorse before marriage.
My highschool girlfriend said the same to me but I was okay with that since it was only high school. I don't know how comfortable I am now, as a 20 year old, with starting a long term relationship with a girl I will never have sex with.
Two questions:
1.)Right now I feel like I don't want to keep dating her, but only because of this. Otherwise she is a great girl and third base ain't bad. Will this bad feeling I get from knowing I'll never have sex with her ever get easier to handle?
2.) Would I be a douchebag to break up with her over this now before we get too attached to each other?
If I end up breaking up with her, I will have to see her multiple times a week at practice, which may be a problem.
Help? Advice?
She doesn't want to have vaginal intercorse before marriage.
My highschool girlfriend said the same to me but I was okay with that since it was only high school. I don't know how comfortable I am now, as a 20 year old, with starting a long term relationship with a girl I will never have sex with.
Two questions:
1.)Right now I feel like I don't want to keep dating her, but only because of this. Otherwise she is a great girl and third base ain't bad. Will this bad feeling I get from knowing I'll never have sex with her ever get easier to handle?
2.) Would I be a douchebag to break up with her over this now before we get too attached to each other?
If I end up breaking up with her, I will have to see her multiple times a week at practice, which may be a problem.
Help? Advice?
Andrew on
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Still, I wouldn't sweat it. You'll likely eventually break up anyway, so you might as well enjoy what you say is an otherwise good relationship. And hey, if you wind up growing old with her, then it was worth the wait. I don't really see the rush to pop your cherry--it's not like manual and oral are that bad.
In the end, only you know whether she's an awesome girl who you want to be with regardless of sex. Personally I'd probably stick it out. I think ever man should be in a relationship without sex at least once in their life, it teaches you a lot.
It won't.
But the question you should be asking yourself is this: is this girl so great that she is worth being in a relationship with even though you know she won't have sex with you?
If she is that great, why don't you marry her?
If she is not that great, why don't you break up?
It is quite simple.
No, you wouldn't. People have different tastes and preferences; a relationship without sex may not be your preference. I'm sure people will tell you it is shallow and you're an asshole or shit like that because people love passing judgments. Don't let it stand in the way of doing what you want to do, in this case, because those people don't know what is best for you and being in a relationship you don't want to be in will only hurt you in the long run.
It will be a problem only if you perceive it as a problem, because the way you perceive it will affect how you handle it.
If sex is that important to you in the relationship and she doesn't want vaginal intercourse, you could ask her how she feels about anal.
Please be tactful and tasteful.
Your desire to have full intercourse isn't going to go away, it would be unwise to assume that she'll change her mind about premarital sex at any time in the near future, it would be unkind of you to pressure her over it, and marriage isn't in the cards. Given that none of the things causing your feelings are going to change, it seems unlikely that this is going to become easier for you to deal with.
You're looking for something she can't give you. Chances are, given that most people saving themselves for marriage are looking to marry sooner rather than later, she's looking for something you can't give her. Breaking it off now would not be a douchebag move unless you do it in a douchebag manner.
If you act like a gentleman about it, you've done your part. You can't ensure that she won't turn it into a problem, of course, but your chances of nobody deciding to act like a dick are better the less emotional investment either of you have in this relationship. If you're pretty sure you want out, it's better to do it sooner rather than later.
What that also means for many people is that sexual intimacy, such as vaginal intercourse, is too important an element to leave "to chance," and you might as well get it out of the way before marriage is even an issue.
So no, you're not shallow or a jerk if you say "look, this is really important to me. I can't imagine not having sex until I'm married, because that level of intimacy is something I want to share with someone and THEN know that they're the one for me."
As for the awkwardness, if you say that you think she's awesome but you're just not into the intimacy you have if you know it's a dead end, say you'll be friends but then STOP the intimacy.
Of course, it all depends just how fixated on sex you actually are. I could tell you that there's more to life and relationships than constant fucking, that strong friendships and an ability to relate to a partner are more vital for a relationship to last than your penis/vagina compatibility but that might not necessarily be true for everybody. Neither argument is more sound - you aren't a jerk for wanting sex and she isn't a bitch for holding out.
I guess what you really need to do is sit down and have a long hard think about your future. Are you going to hate yourself for breaking up with her? Imagine losing her and how you'll feel without her around. If the concept of that doesn't hurt then you should probably break up. On the other hand, if the mere thought of life without her tears your heart apart and makes you want to kill yourself for even considering it, you might want to stick it out. If you really like her that much, then you'll get the sex eventually plus all the other great things that she already gives you and you won't regret breaking up with her for the rest of your life either.
If the answer is no, then i believe you should end it/start looking for someone new. However, being a virgin, you are probably not too sure how important sex is in a relationship for you.
Put it in da....
Okay seriously, this isn't all together a bad suggestion. I've known of multiple women who didn't want to have vaginal sex, but were completely okay with having anal sex. Weird but true.
This is a very true statement. I can't see myself getting married anytime soon (at the earliest would be 29 or so). It's hard to imagine marrying someone and then finding out you're not sexually compatible with somebody. Because trust me, there will be women you absolutely have fantastic sex with, and there will be women who just aren't going to do it for you. That's quite a chance to be making, especially if you're talking post-marriage.
I don't think you're a jerk for wanting to break up with her because of this. It boils down to you two just not being compatible, and that should be one of the foundations of a strong relationship, correct? If sex is important to you, don't lead her on. There's plenty of women out there who aren't worried about having sex until marriage. Plenty.
I personally think it's rather foolish to wait that long because it would be really rather unfortunate to find out that the person you married and yourself aren't as good as you'd like in the sack.
Yes, you can practice but sometimes people just don't share the same tastes (rough vs gentle, on top vs on bottom, etc) and to find that stuff out after you're married is really problematic.
If she won't concede (and nothing against her if she doesn't) I highly suggest going out and finding someone who is more on your wavelength.
That being said, don't go with a girl just for sex, you still need all that emotional stuff, too.
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Hey, that was noobert that wrote that, not me. Also, it's utter bollocks, you can start considering marriage whenever the hell you want. Plus, sex isn't the be-all and end-all of a relationship. You can have mediocre sex but a fantastic relationship and utterly amazing sex but an absolutely lousy relationship. In fact, if you judge a relationship squarely on the quality of the sex, you're likely to end up pretty miserable, because sex only lasts a couple of hours a day and that leaves another 22 hours of not-sex.
Sex, as has been said, is not the be-all/end-all of a successful relationship, but it is a major component thereof, and worrying about it doesn't make you shallow or a jerk.
- To break up with her, you either have to tell her the truth and come across as a sex-obsessed asshole or lie to her and be a liar.
- You still get manual/oral/etc. You can still get your rocks off this way. I realise this isn't the same, but on a totally practical level, would you rather be jacking yourself off in the meantime?
- If this girl means so little to you that not having sex would cause you to break up with her, maybe you should break up with her.
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The answer is NO... it's quite the opposite
My girlfriend and I are both Sophomores in college. We've been going out for 4 years, having met in high school. Both of us have had 2 previous relationships, nothing serious. We're both virgins. I'm 20, she's 19. She actually made a "promise to God" that she wouldn't have sex (or go to third base, even, but that one's been forgotten occasionally) before marriage. Basically, we get each other off through our underwear.
We're both in the school chorale, and share a lot of the same friends as well.
It's really not a fun situation to be in. You're in college, sex all over the place, and you just... can't. My little brother is having sex now. You can't pressure her, that would pretty much be evil, but you can't not feel like you want more.
She, of course, wants to get married, and would be overjoyed if I proposed to her tomorrow. I just honestly know almost nothing about what I'll be doing in the future, so I don't feel like I can plan anything that permanent. I didn't even decide I wanted to major in physics until this semester, and I still haven't declared it. It wouldn't work monetarily, or with regard to living space, but she feels that getting engaged would make us more important as a couple in our family's eyes.
My problem is that I don't even think I can trust how I feel. Most of the time I'm happy- I'm a content guy in general- but when she's been too tired to do anything for a few nights in a row, or when we're fighting over something, I can't help but think that if I ended it, I would finally have a chance to have sex. It's tough to think that about someone you've been professing to love for so long- it makes you wonder how much was really what you felt, and what was just gut reaction and reflex.
Most of the time, when we fight, it's because she feel like she loves me more than I love her, because she wants to get married and I don't feel ready yet. If either of us really wanted to break up with the other one, we would have about a week ago.
I'm not sure I'm really qualified to give advice here, but what I'm thinking is that if this is what you want out of a relationship that doesn't end in marriage, it's fine to stay in it. If you like the girl enough to find out if you love her, I'd say it's worth it to give it more time at least. If not, it's probably best to break it off, and remain friends if possible.
I'm a bit weird in that my current girlfriend, myself, and both of my ex-girlfriends can all hang out together, and we do when we're back home. It probably helps that they broke up with me, and I'm an easy going guy. Still, it's possible you could end up the say way.
My advice to the OP would go along with the majority of those who've posted so far. You need to decide how important it is to you. If you can't make the sacrifice she's asking you to make, then you're just not compatible people, and I don't think there's any shame in breaking it off as long as you do it in a respectful manner.
This is why I disagree with the whole policy, personally. It creates a source of tension in the relationship, causing doubt, creating drama, all for the sake of a notion of courtship that I feel is now completely outdated and was never conducive to healthy relationships in the first place. But that's my opinion, and each individual needs to decide for themselves how important it is to them. If your feelings on the matter aren't compatible with your partner's feeling on the matter, then you're in for a rough ride if you choose to stay in the relationship.
Her opinion that it's *not* important, and that she can have a full relationship without it until she gets married is a significant opinion.
Your thoughts that it *is* important are also telling of who you are, and where you are in your life with regards to relationships.
It's obvious to me (and I've long held this opinion myself) that sex and opinions about it are very important to a serious relationship, and that if both people don't feel the same way, it'll cause nothing but trouble. Also, the whole "saving it for marriage" thing often comes with a load of other beliefs which you may or may not share.
Personally, I decided long ago that I'd never enter into a relationship with someone that was waiting until marriage, because I'm not, and it's an important thing to me, and I don't think trying to get either person to compromise their values is a good idea.
Luckily, I never got put into that situation.
Have a nice day.
2 months is a piece of shit amount of time. Every second that you extend this relationship is just making it harder for you to break up.
As someone who got married shortly after turning 21, I have to disagree; that's not always the case.
That said, marrying someone who obviously has values incompatible with your own is a terrible idea.
:roll:
OP here. Everything besides this has been great so far, guys. Thanks for all the input, I'll take it all into consideration.
The plan right now is to have a talk with her about this and tell her that it does bother me a lot, but not enough for me to want to break up with her (worded more tactfully, of course). I'm not going to see her for a few days so I have that time to think about this some more, so more advice is welcome.
I do agree however, that if that is the one and only stickler for you about this person, you should ask yourself if you could see going down that road with her. She may change her mind later and decide to get get down and have sex, but you should not go into it thinking that she will.
So, that said... You wither decide that you absolutely must have sex, and her refusal is unacceptable, which means let her down gently now.
Or, you decide you may in fact see marrying this girl as a possibility, or are uncertain but feel the rest of the relationship is worth enough to stick with it and find out.
Your call, no one here is going to be able to answer which of those is best for you.
And you won't be an ass for dumping her for no sex now, you'd be an ass if you stayed with her either in the hopes of getting in her pants down the line, or leading her on that you could be looking to marry her then dumping her when you feel like it.
Untrue. I just don't think it's everything. However, reading through, my advice is poor and unnecessary; at this early stage the OP is absolutely within his rights to dump her and run. If this kind of obstacle - which is quite major as we agree - has come up so early on, what kind of compatability problems will come later?
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Dating isn't about sex. If sex is all you are looking for in a girlfriend, you have looked in completely the wrong place with this girl. Don't break up with her unless this is the case.
so what then IS about sex, if not dating?
What?
ask david deangelo. he knows bout that.
I agree, but that is his decision to make. And I laid it out in front of him very simply: if she is that great, marry her. If not, break up with her.
The idea is that, like you said, according to the way he describes it, she is not the one. But that is his decision; I'm not giving him the answer, I'm showing him the path.
But what actually constitutes sexual compatibility? She's a girl, he's a guy, they're both heterosexual and presumably attracted to each other. You don't need to validate sexual compatibility by fucking, it becomes pretty obvious if you are sexually compatible if you get a boner when she walks in the room and she gets all flushed when you say hello to her.
There also seems to be a rather naive presumption that for 'the sex to be good' you need to be bedroom gymnasts. This is an unequivocal myth as well. The sex is good when the two people having sex have strong feelings for one another. It can be vanilla missionary and still be incredible sex, so long as you both want each other and submit to it.
I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting sex before marriage but I do think that a lot of people have wildly inaccurate and unrealistic impressions of what sex should be like and how critical it is to a relationship. It's important, yes, but finding a girl that can suck your dick while doing back-flips should be of minor importance when looking for a long-term partner.
I can't advise the OP either way, because it really is his decision, I just hope he makes it based on what he feels is best for him rather than what the media would have him believe is right.
Just so you know: trying to figure out the practical logistics of that scenario has pretty much made my brain implode. With sexy results!
I have got to convince my wife to try this.
And if not, then I'll dump her.