That took a while because I wasn't sure how to pronounce the name.
Actually you have to pronounce it incorrectly for the pun to work, but it's how most people pronounce it anyway so it's not a big deal.
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ShadowenSnores in the morningLoserdomRegistered Userregular
edited December 2009
Let's see...a limerick.
There once was a model named Lynn
Who was so exceedingly thin
That when she essayed
To drink (light) lemonade
She slid down the straw and fell in
Gross joke, you say? What's gross?
Twins conjoined at the mouth. What's grosser than gross?
Them throwing up.
And now, for a sample of my hobby: taking kids' jokes and turning them into horror stories.
One fine, brisk autumn day, a family of tomatoes was taking a walk: a father, a mother, and an adorable son, their only child. The son, through no fault of his own, was naturally smaller than his parents, and so continually fell behind. But the father's sun-ripened mind saw it as a character flaw, if not a studied insult--deliberate lollygagging, and he would take no such insolence from the fruit of his loins. In a towering, thundering rage, he stormed back to the boy, and with a roar of "No son of mine!" and a mighty stomp, crushed the little lad into the pavement, red juice squirting everywhere, splattering on his face and boots and the sidewalk, and even the wooden fence along the street. Shrieking in agony, the child tried desperately to free himself, too addled by the pain to try reasoning with his parent, which of course only inflamed his father further. He ground his foot onto the cement, as though doing something of no more import than crushing out a used cigarette, but his terrible expression, and the squeals of the little tomato, shattered the illusion. Finally, mercifully, the screams died out, though he continued grinding until the child was well and truly smashed flat, his remains strewn across the pavement.
The mother, too shocked by the horror to have spoken up before now, sobbed, "What have you done?! Why?! How could you do such a horrible thing to anyone, let alone your son?! Your only son..."
She dropped to her knees, weeping, and he turned around, his face now placid, and as if it was the most reasonable thing in the world, said, "He was falling behind. He needed to ketchup."
One fine, brisk autumn day, a family of tomatoes was taking a walk: a father, a mother, and an adorable son, their only child. The son, through no fault of his own, was naturally smaller than his parents, and so continually fell behind. But the father's sun-ripened mind saw it as a character flaw, if not a studied insult--deliberate lollygagging, and he would take no such insolence from the fruit of his loins. In a towering, thundering rage, he stormed back to the boy, and with a roar of "No son of mine!" and a mighty stomp, crushed the little lad into the pavement, red juice squirting everywhere, splattering on his face and boots and the sidewalk, and even the wooden fence along the street. Shrieking in agony, the child tried desperately to free himself, too addled by the pain to try reasoning with his parent, which of course only inflamed his father further. He ground his foot onto the cement, as though doing something of no more import than crushing out a used cigarette, but his terrible expression, and the squeals of the little tomato, shattered the illusion. Finally, mercifully, the screams died out, though he continued grinding until the child was well and truly smashed flat, his remains strewn across the pavement.
The mother, too shocked by the horror to have spoken up before now, sobbed, "What have you done?! Why?! How could you do such a horrible thing to anyone, let alone your son?! Your only son..."
She dropped to her knees, weeping, and he turned around, his face now placid, and as if it was the most reasonable thing in the world, said, "He was falling behind. He needed to ketchup."
Man goes to a hardware store to buy a Christmas tree. The guy at the till asks "So will you be putting this up yourself?" and the man responds:
"No, in my living room you sick bastard."
This is the first joke to make me actually lol literally, saving it from BOTP hell.
Probably already been posted:
Rotten Johnny is caught playing doctor with Suzy. Now Suzy's mother is livid, and confronts Rotten Johnny's mother about this.
Johnny's mother is a bit upset, naturally. Yet she is decidedly less angry than Suzy's mom.
Johnny's mother says, "Well, I'll give him a firm talking-to, but after all it's natural for them to be curious about sex at their age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her damn appendix out!"
Steam - Lysus || XBL - Veax || PSN - Lysus || WoW - Lysus (Korgath - US) || Guild Wars - Lysus Yjirkar || Starcraft II - Lysus.781 || League of Legends - Lysus Feel free to add me on whatever network, it's always more fun to play with people than alone
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HedgethornAssociate Professor of Historical Hobby HorsesIn the Lions' DenRegistered Userregular
So a man walks into a bar and orders a martini. He looks around and sees that there's a pianist with a monkey getting ready to start playing his set. He turns back to the bar and waits for his drink. The bartenders sets the martini down and the monkey rushes across the room, jumps up on the rim of the glass, and dunks his balls in it. The man is incensed and stalks over to the piano player, ready to start a fight.
He asks the player "Do you know your monkey has his balls in my martini?"
The piano player responds
"No, but if you hum a few bars I can probably play it for you."
So an American, a French guy, and a Chinese guy on a plane thats flying across the ocean. All of a sudden theres massive turbulence and second later the plane starts going down.
The plane crashes in the water, and the American, French guy, and Chinese guy make it out and began to swim towards this big island they can see not too far away. Unfortunately, they are the only ones who make it out of the plane.
So once they reach the island, the American immediately takes charge of the situation. He tells the French guy he is in charge of materials and to start looking for any building materials he can find. He tells the Chinese guy he is in charge of supplies and to scout out any boxes that may have washed up from the plane and find anything edible for them. The American decides he'll be in charge of planning and is going to find a good location to build their shelter and start thinking up a plan to make it. He tells them all to meet back on the beach in 4 hours.
So 4 hours come and go, and the French guy and the American have a basic shelter built by then, having had good luck in finding materials and a good location on which to build. However, they are both really hungry after this, and keep wondering where the Chinese guy is. Eventually, they decide to go look for him.
Off they go, through the forest trying to follow the beginnings of his trails, wondering what kind of food he was going to find out here.
All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out at them from behind a tree and yells
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?" The man looked up helplessly and said,
So an American, a French guy, and a Chinese guy on a plane thats flying across the ocean. All of a sudden theres massive turbulence and second later the plane starts going down.
The plane crashes in the water, and the American, French guy, and Chinese guy make it out and began to swim towards this big island they can see not too far away. Unfortunately, they are the only ones who make it out of the plane.
So once they reach the island, the American immediately takes charge of the situation. He tells the French guy he is in charge of materials and to start looking for any building materials he can find. He tells the Chinese guy he is in charge of supplies and to scout out any boxes that may have washed up from the plane and find anything edible for them. The American decides he'll be in charge of planning and is going to find a good location to build their shelter and start thinking up a plan to make it. He tells them all to meet back on the beach in 4 hours.
So 4 hours come and go, and the French guy and the American have a basic shelter built by then, having had good luck in finding materials and a good location on which to build. However, they are both really hungry after this, and keep wondering where the Chinese guy is. Eventually, they decide to go look for him.
Off they go, through the forest trying to follow the beginnings of his trails, wondering what kind of food he was going to find out here.
All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out at them from behind a tree and yells
SUPPLIES!
I am ashamed of how long it took me to get this. I was sitting in my office repeating "supplies" to myself in a confused manner until it finally, FINALLY hit me. *facepalm*
So an American, a French guy, and a Chinese guy on a plane thats flying across the ocean. All of a sudden theres massive turbulence and second later the plane starts going down.
The plane crashes in the water, and the American, French guy, and Chinese guy make it out and began to swim towards this big island they can see not too far away. Unfortunately, they are the only ones who make it out of the plane.
So once they reach the island, the American immediately takes charge of the situation. He tells the French guy he is in charge of materials and to start looking for any building materials he can find. He tells the Chinese guy he is in charge of supplies and to scout out any boxes that may have washed up from the plane and find anything edible for them. The American decides he'll be in charge of planning and is going to find a good location to build their shelter and start thinking up a plan to make it. He tells them all to meet back on the beach in 4 hours.
So 4 hours come and go, and the French guy and the American have a basic shelter built by then, having had good luck in finding materials and a good location on which to build. However, they are both really hungry after this, and keep wondering where the Chinese guy is. Eventually, they decide to go look for him.
Off they go, through the forest trying to follow the beginnings of his trails, wondering what kind of food he was going to find out here.
All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out at them from behind a tree and yells
SUPPLIES!
I am ashamed of how long it took me to get this. I was sitting in my office repeating "supplies" to myself in a confused manner until it finally, FINALLY hit me. *facepalm*
So an American, a French guy, and a Chinese guy on a plane thats flying across the ocean. All of a sudden theres massive turbulence and second later the plane starts going down.
The plane crashes in the water, and the American, French guy, and Chinese guy make it out and began to swim towards this big island they can see not too far away. Unfortunately, they are the only ones who make it out of the plane.
So once they reach the island, the American immediately takes charge of the situation. He tells the French guy he is in charge of materials and to start looking for any building materials he can find. He tells the Chinese guy he is in charge of supplies and to scout out any boxes that may have washed up from the plane and find anything edible for them. The American decides he'll be in charge of planning and is going to find a good location to build their shelter and start thinking up a plan to make it. He tells them all to meet back on the beach in 4 hours.
So 4 hours come and go, and the French guy and the American have a basic shelter built by then, having had good luck in finding materials and a good location on which to build. However, they are both really hungry after this, and keep wondering where the Chinese guy is. Eventually, they decide to go look for him.
Off they go, through the forest trying to follow the beginnings of his trails, wondering what kind of food he was going to find out here.
All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out at them from behind a tree and yells
SUPPLIES!
I am ashamed of how long it took me to get this. I was sitting in my office repeating "supplies" to myself in a confused manner until it finally, FINALLY hit me. *facepalm*
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He asked of God, Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely.
"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.
"I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"
Actually that would work just as well, but I'm sure the joke is referring to Americans.
But ... but Canada hasn't even existed for more than like 250 years! And there wasn't even native Canadians/Americans untill relatively 'recently'! Aah I cannot suspent my disbelief.
I have a truly marvellous joke for this thread, which this post is too small to contain.
fjafjan on
Yepp, THE Fjafjan (who's THE fjafjan?)
- "Proving once again the deadliest animal of all ... is the Zoo Keeper" - Philip J Fry
But ... but Canada hasn't even existed for more than like 250 years! And there wasn't even native Canadians/Americans untill relatively 'recently'! Aah I cannot suspent my disbelief.
Well there's also the fact that Northern Europe was a shithole until quite recently while Southern Europe was abundantly prosperous for much longer. But it's just a joke, so I brushed it off.
But ... but Canada hasn't even existed for more than like 250 years! And there wasn't even native Canadians/Americans untill relatively 'recently'! Aah I cannot suspent my disbelief.
Well there's also the fact that Northern Europe was a shithole until quite recently while Southern Europe was abundantly prosperous for much longer. But it's just a joke, so I brushed it off.
In Ireland, we have that exact same joke, but the assholes are beside us.
A friend of mine's cat had to get it's nose removed (old cat cancer i think), you better believe i used the "how does he smell" joke.
Raybies666 on
Beat me on Wii U: Raybies
Beat me on 360: Raybies666
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Actually you have to pronounce it incorrectly for the pun to work, but it's how most people pronounce it anyway so it's not a big deal.
There once was a model named Lynn
Who was so exceedingly thin
That when she essayed
To drink (light) lemonade
She slid down the straw and fell in
Gross joke, you say? What's gross?
And now, for a sample of my hobby: taking kids' jokes and turning them into horror stories.
The mother, too shocked by the horror to have spoken up before now, sobbed, "What have you done?! Why?! How could you do such a horrible thing to anyone, let alone your son?! Your only son..."
She dropped to her knees, weeping, and he turned around, his face now placid, and as if it was the most reasonable thing in the world, said, "He was falling behind. He needed to ketchup."
i approve of this practice
Oh god I actually got that.
This is the first joke to make me actually lol literally, saving it from BOTP hell.
Probably already been posted:
Rotten Johnny is caught playing doctor with Suzy. Now Suzy's mother is livid, and confronts Rotten Johnny's mother about this.
Johnny's mother is a bit upset, naturally. Yet she is decidedly less angry than Suzy's mom.
Johnny's mother says, "Well, I'll give him a firm talking-to, but after all it's natural for them to be curious about sex at their age."
Well played.
Visit him at Monstrous Pigments' Instagram and Facebook pages!
I don't get it.
Feel free to add me on whatever network, it's always more fun to play with people than alone
I think you're supposed to say it in tune to the 1-2 music.
It works better when you say it out loud, but I think Polity did a pretty good job of simulating the underground level music of Mario.
Where does Father Christmas go to recuperate?
He asks the player "Do you know your monkey has his balls in my martini?"
The piano player responds
Possibly because I always hear Groucho Marx saying it.
score one for the internet
I don't know if I had missed that one or just forgotten it, but I looked it up just now.
So an American, a French guy, and a Chinese guy on a plane thats flying across the ocean. All of a sudden theres massive turbulence and second later the plane starts going down.
The plane crashes in the water, and the American, French guy, and Chinese guy make it out and began to swim towards this big island they can see not too far away. Unfortunately, they are the only ones who make it out of the plane.
So once they reach the island, the American immediately takes charge of the situation. He tells the French guy he is in charge of materials and to start looking for any building materials he can find. He tells the Chinese guy he is in charge of supplies and to scout out any boxes that may have washed up from the plane and find anything edible for them. The American decides he'll be in charge of planning and is going to find a good location to build their shelter and start thinking up a plan to make it. He tells them all to meet back on the beach in 4 hours.
So 4 hours come and go, and the French guy and the American have a basic shelter built by then, having had good luck in finding materials and a good location on which to build. However, they are both really hungry after this, and keep wondering where the Chinese guy is. Eventually, they decide to go look for him.
Off they go, through the forest trying to follow the beginnings of his trails, wondering what kind of food he was going to find out here.
All of a sudden the Chinese guy jumps out at them from behind a tree and yells
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
Link to the joke? I can't seem to locate it
I never finish anyth
how do you find will smith after a blizzard?
I never finish anyth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB2GboGOuTI
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
Did you know Helen Keller had a treehouse?
3DS: 1521-4165-5907
PS3: KayleSolo
Live: Kayle Solo
WiiU: KayleSolo
That took me from "Huh?" to "Eeeew" hilariously fast.
3DS: 1521-4165-5907
PS3: KayleSolo
Live: Kayle Solo
WiiU: KayleSolo
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely.
I never finish anyth
Native Americans?
I don't get it.
I laughed.
I never finish anyth
An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.
"I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
I never finish anyth
But ... but Canada hasn't even existed for more than like 250 years! And there wasn't even native Canadians/Americans untill relatively 'recently'! Aah I cannot suspent my disbelief.
I have a truly marvellous joke for this thread, which this post is too small to contain.
- "Proving once again the deadliest animal of all ... is the Zoo Keeper" - Philip J Fry
Well there's also the fact that Northern Europe was a shithole until quite recently while Southern Europe was abundantly prosperous for much longer. But it's just a joke, so I brushed it off.
In Ireland, we have that exact same joke, but the assholes are beside us.
A friend of mine's cat had to get it's nose removed (old cat cancer i think), you better believe i used the "how does he smell" joke.
Beat me on 360: Raybies666
I remember when I had time to be good at games.
I like my version better.
He takes the foreskins to a leather maker to have a memento made.
He walks into the leather makers shop and gives him the jar.
The leather worker says 'no problem, it'll be ready in a week."
A week passes and the rabbi goes back to the leather makers shop.
The leather maker hands the rabbi a leather change purse.
The rabbi goes '30 years of foreskins and this is all I get?'
The leather maker replies
Awesome
For some reason I didn't get that when he first posted it, but your quoting it made it crystal clear.