A woman gets on to a crowded elevator on the bottom floor of a large skyscraper. Floor by floor people get off the elevator until she's alone with a man in a three piece suit.
"Sir", she says, looking him right in the face, "can I smell your balls?"
Taken aback, the man says "no you cannot."
So the lady returns her gaze in front of her and says
A little girl is bathing with her mother in the bathtub. She is at the age when she starts noticing things and is asking alot of questions.
So, the little girl noticing her mothers breasts asks "Mommy, when am I going to get those?" she asks, pointing at her mothers chest.
Her mother responds "In afew years dear, when you get older."
Continuing along this line, the little girl points at her mothers crotch and asks "mommy, when am i going to get hair down there?"
Her mother responds again "In afew years dear, when you get older."
At this time, her mother gets out of the bath and her father comes in and gets in the tub. Continuing as she did with her mother, the little girl points at her fathers wing-dang-doodle and asks "Daddy, when am I going to get that?"
Her father leans in close and says
"In about 2 minutes after your mother leaves."
Chronic on
I hit people with pillow wrapped baseball bats. Sure the blow is softer, but its still a bat.
A little girl is bathing with her mother in the bathtub. She is at the age when she starts noticing things and is asking alot of questions.
So, the little girl noticing her mothers breasts asks "Mommy, when am I going to get those?" she asks, pointing at her mothers chest.
Her mother responds "In afew years dear, when you get older."
Continuing along this line, the little girl points at her mothers crotch and asks "mommy, when am i going to get hair down there?"
Her mother responds again "In afew years dear, when you get older."
At this time, her mother gets out of the bath and her father comes in and gets in the tub. Continuing as she did with her mother, the little girl points at her fathers wing-dang-doodle and asks "Daddy, when am I going to get that?"
Her father leans in close and says
"In about 2 minutes after your mother leaves."
This is the best, and worst joke I've heard in a while.
So this old woman walks into a Bank of America, and asks to speak to the manager. The manager welcomes her into his office, and the woman immediately puts her cards on the table.
"I want to make a bed with you", she says. "I bet that your balls are square."
The bank manager is taken a little aback.
"No, they're not," he says.
"Well I'm afraid I don't believe that. I still want to bet. In fact, I'll put $10,000 that they are square."
The bank manager is a bit confused, but can't say no to easy money.
"Well, if you insist, I guess. What do you want as proof?"
"I'll need to touch your balls, to make sure they are not squares."
"Well, I guess that makes sense..."
"But since we're betting such a large amount, I'd like my lawyer to be present as a witness. Shall we say next Monday, at noon?"
"Alright then."
So the rest of the week passes, uneventfully. Then the weekend. Then Monday morning rolls around, and our Bank of America manager puts on his nicest 'I'm going to win $10,000' suit. He goes to work as usual, and sure enough, at noon, the old lady and her lawyer walk in. Dutifully, the bank manager pulls down his pants. The old lady knees down, gently cups the balls in her hands, fells them and inspects them.
"Satisfied?", the bank manager asks.
"I guess so, yes", the old lady replies. "You were speaking the truth. They are not squares. I guess you win our $10,000 bet."
Pleased, the bank manager turns to the lawyer, to find him shocked and nearly crying.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks.
"Oh, nothing", the old lady replies as she gets up. "It's just that last week I bet him $100,000 that I'd have a Bank of America manager's balls in my hands by lunch today."
A rich man walks into a bank, and asks to speak to a manager about a loan.
"So how much do you want for this loan?"
"$100,000", the man replies.
"That's a lot. What do you plan to do with this money?"
"I can't tell you."
"Well if you won't tell us, we can't run a risk analysis and we'll have to charge you our maximum interest rate."
"That's all right."
"Do you have any collateral?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I have a Rolls Royce that I'm willing to leave here as collateral for the duration of the loan."
The bank manager is amazed. A $100,000 loan at maximum interest rate, with a Rolls Royce to boot? He quickly signs the deal. The next day, the man comes back, parks his Rolls Royce in the most secure section of the banks' private garage, collects him money, and leaves.
A month later, the man returns to the bank, explaining he's ready to repay his loan. He pays back to the bank the $100,000 he borrowed, along with the interest, which after only a month came up to $140. The bank manager, after confirming that the money had been transferred, fetched the Rolls Royce from the bank's garage. As he hands the keys back to the man, his curiosity gets the better of him.
"If you don't mind my asking", the bank manager says, "what did you need the money for?"
"Nothing, really", the man replies. "But I was leaving on a month-long trip. And really, I can't find a safer place to leave my Rolls Royce for only $140 a month."
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firewaterwordSatchitanandaPais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered Userregular
edited December 2009
I love that Rolls Royce joke. Going to tell that one next time I'm wearing a suit and sipping a martini.
Yeah. The first bank joke is too similar to a bar joke that I've heard a bunch, but I don't think I've heard the Rolls Royce one. I chuckled.
Also I'm glad this thread is back.
My thoughts exactly, although I may like the bank version better than the bar. I can see the Rolls joke being told at some stuffy old gentlemans club, everyone sitting around smoking cigars. Only played like it actually happened.
Some scientists teach a monkey how to eat with a three-pronged fork, then release him back into the wild with it. He keeps a hold of the fork and uses to eat all of his food until, one day, he loses it. He asks his fellow monkeys, "Hey, have you guys seen my fork?"
"Fork, what's that?" they reply.
"You know, that three point tool of mine"
"No, but you should try asking the giraffe. He sees everything."
So the monkey goes to talk to the giraffe. "Hey, Giraffe, have you seen my fork?"
"What's a fork?"
"You know, my three point tool"
"Have you asked the jaguar? I think I saw him with it"
"Thanks"
So the monkey went to see the jaguar and asked "Hey Jaguar have you seen my fork?"
Some scientists teach a monkey how to eat with a three-pronged fork, then release him back into the wild with it. He keeps a hold of the fork and uses to eat all of his food until, one day, he loses it. He asks his fellow monkeys, "Hey, have you guys seen my fork?"
"Fork, what's that?" they reply.
"You know, that three point tool of mine"
"No, but you should try asking the giraffe. He sees everything."
So the monkey goes to talk to the giraffe. "Hey, Giraffe, have you seen my fork?"
"What's a fork?"
"You know, my three point tool"
"Have you asked the jaguar? I think I saw him with it"
"Thanks"
So the monkey went to see the jaguar and asked "Hey Jaguar have you seen my fork?"
"What the hell's a fork?"
"You know, my three point tool"
"Oh that. I ate it"
"Why the hell did you do that?"
"Because I'm a three point tool eater Jaguar"
I had to say the punch line to this one 3 times before I got the word breaks in the right place to figure it out
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GreasyKidsStuffMOMMM!ROAST BEEF WANTS TO KISS GIRLS ON THE TITTIES!Registered Userregular
I tell it to my friend at work. He finds it hilarious. So we tell it to somebody else. For approx. five minutes, he does not get it. "Dude, what? You asked me what rhymes with Snoop, and you said Dr. Dre? What?" After trying so hard to explain it to him that they RHYME TOGETHER, BUSTING MAD BEATS, we finally just quit because he just does not understand.
Cue silence.
"OOOOOOOOOOOH"
Many laughs were had.
Story 2:
I go to tell my other friend. Hey Jade, what's brown and rhymes with poop? AW DAMNIT
Story 3:
My other friend tells it to someone. Hey, what's brown and rhymes with snoop dogg? DAMNIT.
Story 4:
Same friend tells another friend, who texts her boyfriend. They get a quick text back with an answer, "poop?" Less then ten seconds later, another text. "Beef soup?"
I've gotten so much mileage out of such an awful joke, the stories are punchlines in themselves.
Some scientists teach a monkey how to eat with a three-pronged fork, then release him back into the wild with it. He keeps a hold of the fork and uses to eat all of his food until, one day, he loses it. He asks his fellow monkeys, "Hey, have you guys seen my fork?"
"Fork, what's that?" they reply.
"You know, that three point tool of mine"
"No, but you should try asking the giraffe. He sees everything."
So the monkey goes to talk to the giraffe. "Hey, Giraffe, have you seen my fork?"
"What's a fork?"
"You know, my three point tool"
"Have you asked the jaguar? I think I saw him with it"
"Thanks"
So the monkey went to see the jaguar and asked "Hey Jaguar have you seen my fork?"
"What the hell's a fork?"
"You know, my three point tool"
"Oh that. I ate it"
"Why the hell did you do that?"
"Because I'm a three point tool eater Jaguar"
I had to say the punch line to this one 3 times before I got the word breaks in the right place to figure it out
I still don't get it.
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admanbunionize your workplaceSeattle, WARegistered Userregular
Posts
Doc says "you really need to stop masturbating".
Man says "why?"
Doc says
What is ET short for?
What's the difference between Tiger and Santa?
After reports surfaced that the 12th mistress was coming forward, journalists are anticipating the final 6 any day now.
Except the 2,000+ word snake joke. I'll never forget that one.
What's the difference between a golf ball and an SUV?
You alright. 8-)
Fantastic.
That made me LOL pretty hard.
PS3 Trophies
"Sir", she says, looking him right in the face, "can I smell your balls?"
Taken aback, the man says "no you cannot."
So the lady returns her gaze in front of her and says
Variant
Why did Tiger need 6 mistresses
QEDMF xbl: PantsB G+
So, the little girl noticing her mothers breasts asks "Mommy, when am I going to get those?" she asks, pointing at her mothers chest.
Her mother responds "In afew years dear, when you get older."
Continuing along this line, the little girl points at her mothers crotch and asks "mommy, when am i going to get hair down there?"
Her mother responds again "In afew years dear, when you get older."
At this time, her mother gets out of the bath and her father comes in and gets in the tub. Continuing as she did with her mother, the little girl points at her fathers wing-dang-doodle and asks "Daddy, when am I going to get that?"
Her father leans in close and says
HEDGEHOGS!
This is the best, and worst joke I've heard in a while.
JOKE 1:
So this old woman walks into a Bank of America, and asks to speak to the manager. The manager welcomes her into his office, and the woman immediately puts her cards on the table.
"I want to make a bed with you", she says. "I bet that your balls are square."
The bank manager is taken a little aback.
"No, they're not," he says.
"Well I'm afraid I don't believe that. I still want to bet. In fact, I'll put $10,000 that they are square."
The bank manager is a bit confused, but can't say no to easy money.
"Well, if you insist, I guess. What do you want as proof?"
"I'll need to touch your balls, to make sure they are not squares."
"Well, I guess that makes sense..."
"But since we're betting such a large amount, I'd like my lawyer to be present as a witness. Shall we say next Monday, at noon?"
"Alright then."
So the rest of the week passes, uneventfully. Then the weekend. Then Monday morning rolls around, and our Bank of America manager puts on his nicest 'I'm going to win $10,000' suit. He goes to work as usual, and sure enough, at noon, the old lady and her lawyer walk in. Dutifully, the bank manager pulls down his pants. The old lady knees down, gently cups the balls in her hands, fells them and inspects them.
"Satisfied?", the bank manager asks.
"I guess so, yes", the old lady replies. "You were speaking the truth. They are not squares. I guess you win our $10,000 bet."
Pleased, the bank manager turns to the lawyer, to find him shocked and nearly crying.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks.
"Oh, nothing", the old lady replies as she gets up. "It's just that last week I bet him $100,000 that I'd have a Bank of America manager's balls in my hands by lunch today."
A rich man walks into a bank, and asks to speak to a manager about a loan.
"So how much do you want for this loan?"
"$100,000", the man replies.
"That's a lot. What do you plan to do with this money?"
"I can't tell you."
"Well if you won't tell us, we can't run a risk analysis and we'll have to charge you our maximum interest rate."
"That's all right."
"Do you have any collateral?"
"Yes," the man replies. "I have a Rolls Royce that I'm willing to leave here as collateral for the duration of the loan."
The bank manager is amazed. A $100,000 loan at maximum interest rate, with a Rolls Royce to boot? He quickly signs the deal. The next day, the man comes back, parks his Rolls Royce in the most secure section of the banks' private garage, collects him money, and leaves.
A month later, the man returns to the bank, explaining he's ready to repay his loan. He pays back to the bank the $100,000 he borrowed, along with the interest, which after only a month came up to $140. The bank manager, after confirming that the money had been transferred, fetched the Rolls Royce from the bank's garage. As he hands the keys back to the man, his curiosity gets the better of him.
"If you don't mind my asking", the bank manager says, "what did you need the money for?"
"Nothing, really", the man replies. "But I was leaving on a month-long trip. And really, I can't find a safer place to leave my Rolls Royce for only $140 a month."
It's just so wonderfully droll!
Also I'm glad this thread is back.
My thoughts exactly, although I may like the bank version better than the bar. I can see the Rolls joke being told at some stuffy old gentlemans club, everyone sitting around smoking cigars. Only played like it actually happened.
"Fork, what's that?" they reply.
"You know, that three point tool of mine"
"No, but you should try asking the giraffe. He sees everything."
So the monkey goes to talk to the giraffe. "Hey, Giraffe, have you seen my fork?"
"What's a fork?"
"You know, my three point tool"
"Have you asked the jaguar? I think I saw him with it"
"Thanks"
So the monkey went to see the jaguar and asked "Hey Jaguar have you seen my fork?"
"What the hell's a fork?"
"You know, my three point tool"
"Oh that. I ate it"
"Why the hell did you do that?"
The bank only charged him 2% interest on a $100,000 loan?
(Yes, I know I shouldn't think too hard about the joke.)
I had to say the punch line to this one 3 times before I got the word breaks in the right place to figure it out
I HAVE STORIES ABOUT THIS JOKE
Story 1:
I tell it to my friend at work. He finds it hilarious. So we tell it to somebody else. For approx. five minutes, he does not get it. "Dude, what? You asked me what rhymes with Snoop, and you said Dr. Dre? What?" After trying so hard to explain it to him that they RHYME TOGETHER, BUSTING MAD BEATS, we finally just quit because he just does not understand.
Cue silence.
"OOOOOOOOOOOH"
Many laughs were had.
Story 2:
I go to tell my other friend. Hey Jade, what's brown and rhymes with poop? AW DAMNIT
Story 3:
My other friend tells it to someone. Hey, what's brown and rhymes with snoop dogg? DAMNIT.
Story 4:
Same friend tells another friend, who texts her boyfriend. They get a quick text back with an answer, "poop?" Less then ten seconds later, another text. "Beef soup?"
I've gotten so much mileage out of such an awful joke, the stories are punchlines in themselves.
I still don't get it.
Hell, I don't even drive and I got it.
Then we get on to talking about what we're eating for breakfast, and it goes
-So you got eggs?
"Yeah I got eggs"
-You like them?
"Yeah. You can eat an egg sandwich and not have to OH GOD! WHOS THAT BROKEMON!"
And then laughter
A bit different than when I first heard the joke:
So some silly word play is all
F- see me after class
Bad jokes? In the bad joke thread?
Ruined it for me too. $10,000 would probably make more sense
QEDMF xbl: PantsB G+
Thread won.
full marks
;_;
I am dum. I can't work it out.
Halp.
edit: WAIT BRAINFLASH
That took a while because I wasn't sure how to pronounce the name.
You have clearly fathered some children. There is no other explanation for this joke.