Separation

gredavin

Alright, here it is.

I've been married almost 7 years. It's been a rather constant battle, but long story short over the last year I've started to feel hopeless about the direction it's heading. We've tried counseling, which felt good at the time but as time went on just felt like a band aid over a tumour.

I feel I've made my decision already and am looking for advice and/or resources to guide me through separating. I want to get some space between us to see if I feel any differently, or if the weight lifts.

Some qualifiers.

1) She's from Australia, we live in Canada. I can't just move across the city, she has no one here she can turn to and despite my frustrations, I still love her and care for her. It'd be a lot easier if I didn't. I've thought of buying her a ticket home so she can spend the separation there.

2) I'm a bitch. I've been feeling this way for a year now and I've gotten the guts to bring it up twice, but folded on my resolve each time after she gets super emotional. I give and allow things to go back to normal.

I'm just looking for some helpful resources, or maybe some feedback from people who have gone through this before.

Thanks in advance.

RocketSauce

I've been with my wife for the past 8 years, approaching our 1st anniversary as a married couple. My feedback is after 7 years you should know if it's working or not. Don't spend the rest of your life with someone you weren't meant to.

matt has a problem

She's lived with you in Canada for 7 years and made no friends she can turn to in this situation?

gredavin

matthasaproblem wrote: »

She's lived with you in Canada for 7 years and made no friends she can turn to in this situation?

Correct.

underdonk

I've been through this. Do you two own a home together (that's in both of your name and legally both of your property)? If so, you can't force her to leave^. As uncomfortable as it may be, you may have to live with each other through the separation process until other arrangements can be made. With that said, it's generally horribly uncomfortable and one side usually gives and goes somewhere. Also, and this sounds cold, but now is the time to worry about yourself, not her. You most likely care for this person less than you think, in reality, especially given that you're too the point of starting the separation process. First and foremost, before you do anything else, including confront her about this, get a lawyer and discuss the situation with him/her. It becomes a whole lot less about emotion and feelings than it does assets and such after the ball drops.

At least in my experience.

^Assuming the laws are the same in CA as they are in the US.*

*I am not a lawyer.

gredavin

underdonk,

We rent an apartment, have no kids and little equity. Seriously, not even RRSP's or anything. All debt.

Richard_Dastardly

gredavin wrote: »

matthasaproblem wrote: »

She's lived with you in Canada for 7 years and made no friends she can turn to in this situation?

Correct.

I can understand. My wife has been in the states for 4 years now and her only friends are my friends.

I know you said you've folded when you brought up the troubles in your relationship. If you want to stay with her, then you must have the courage to endure what will be a very long and very uncomfortable conversation.

Edit: My bad, misuderstood you there.

gredavin

Well, I've more folded when I brought up the separation issue, we've talked long and hard about what isn't working but even taking these issues to a counselor isn't going to make certain issues go away. (one being difference of opinion on having kids.)

And the truth is, I'm not really up for making it work anymore. I'm tired of the uphill fight.

underdonk

gredavin wrote: »

Well, I've more folded when I brought up the separation issue, we've talked long and hard about what isn't working but even taking these issues to a counselor isn't going to make certain issues go away. (one being difference of opinion on having kids.)

And the truth is, I'm not really up for making it work anymore. I'm tired of the uphill fight.

Shit man, this is pretty cut and dry, right? Sounds like you've already made the decision, it's just a matter of going through the process. Seriously though, get a lawyer. You're really going to need one, even with very few assets and all debt. It's not just assets that your lawyer helps you protect.

CoJoeTheLawyer

I don't know how it works in Canuckland (assuming you were married in Canada to begin with, eh), but you two should be able to get a non-contested divorce with little to no problems.

However, the biggest issues you're going to face are the debts you two racked up during your marriage (marital debts are treated the same as marital assets, at least south of your border they are the same) as well as the fact that, depending on how much you guys earn, she could be entitled to alimony from you, or one of alimony's evil bastard children.

I would find yourself a knowledgeable Canadian Family Law Attorney and discuss some of these issues with him/her.

Quoth

At risk of being really cold, while it is admirable for you to help her as much as possible, she is an adult. It doesn't matter if she's from Australia or the moon: she needs to decide what she wants to do, and then you can decide how much you want to help. Don't feel obligated to support her more than is reasonable out of a sense of guilt. By all means, strive to create an equitable exit strategy, but don't be a doormat.

As others have already noted, get an attorney. And in case it wasn't obvious, let your wife know first so she doesn't get a rude shock.

I assume you're renting, so check out the terms of your lease to see whether it makes more sense for one of you to keep the place or to just break the lease. Get out as soon as you can or your self-described bitchness may lead you to stay when you shouldn't.