Do you think it's a person's responsibility to reveal every unsavory detail about himself to his SO so they can make a fully informed decision about whether or not to be in the relationship, or does that standard only apply in this case because physical contact with another man is considered especially egregious?
Personally, I'd only apply that standard to things that have an ongoing effect, not one-time events.
No. Being in an exclusive relationship doesn't mean "exclusive relationship except once". You don't get to lie to your SO about something you did you know they don't want you to do. You don't get to declare their desires immaterial. Doing so is an utter disregard for them and their role in the relationship. Saying it's for their benefit is an excuse to avoid dealing with the fact that you've broken their trust, don't want to deal with the consequences, and would rather lie to your SO than admit your flaws.
if this is the potential damage it can cause I'm never going near another drop of booze ever again in my life. Not if it can cause this much damage to Ryan and my chances.
Wow. Way to take responsibility for your actions.
Hint: When you tell your boyfriend, don't blame it on the booze.
Tolerance aside, alcohol is NOT an excuse for this sort of thing, especially not in the quantities you were consuming.
Two asides here not directed at the OP;
1) How many of people out there have been in a relationship where their SO had a friend who you knew wanted your SO? Eventually the SO either admits that the 'friend' probably does want to bang, and keeps their guard up - or they vehemently deny it until you're forced to just trust your SO's judgement.
Would you want to know if your SO had a lapse of judgement and made out like a horny chimp with this guy? Especially if the story went 'oh yeah, Soandso came by with a couple six packs -- we watched a movie -- then he left. Nothing special'.
2) People have tried to qualify what cheating is. Ultimately, it comes down to the individual. The individual in question though should be the SO, not yourself. If you don't feel guilty about doing something, but you KNOW your SO wouldn't like it then that is cheating. Cheating is all about your SO's feelings, not yours. If I go off to another country and bleep some girl behind my girlfriend's back, she absolutely has the right to know. Diseases aside, that is cheating. If I tell her then some trust will be lost between us, and the relationship may end, but at least I'm not a complete asshole.
What kind of person would want to date someone that can't own up to their mistakes and admit if they fooled around with someone else? Even if they'd never see them again. Heck yes I would want my girlfriend to tell me if she made it with someone she'd never see again. It speaks to her character. Very negatively.
But please tell me why you'd be so keen to know about something like that even though:
1. she realised she made a mistake.
2. did it in a way that would never get out unless she told you.
3. it was no more than kissing.
What are your interest here?
Because it's my relationship too and it's up to me just as much as her. It's up to me if I want to be with her, even if it was a mistake. It's not up to her if I want to be with her.
So, lets say she did not tell you and you two had a happy marriage for the rest of your lives.
You'd really want to have had the oppurtunity to become distrustful and paranoid about your SO because of a one-time mistake that she made?
If so, i applaud your principles, but me, i realise nobody's perfect.
The truth is a blunt weapon, and i think half of you are so hung up on morals that you don't even realise what damage this can cause.
Do you think it's a person's responsibility to reveal every unsavory detail about himself to his SO so they can make a fully informed decision about whether or not to be in the relationship, or does that standard only apply in this case because physical contact with another man is considered especially egregious?
Personally, I'd only apply that standard to things that have an ongoing effect, not one-time events.
No. Being in an exclusive relationship doesn't mean "exclusive relationship except once". You don't get to lie to your SO about something you did you know they don't want you to do. You don't get to declare their desires immaterial. Doing so is an utter disregard for them and their role in the relationship. Saying it's for their benefit is an excuse to avoid dealing with the fact that you've broken their trust, don't want to deal with the consequences, and would rather lie to your SO than admit your flaws.
I'm trying to imagine what would have happened if my mother had confessed to my father that she'd made out with some dude for a few seconds while drunk, and I don't really see the benefit at all. An otherwise healthy relationship gets irrevocably damaged, perhaps forever, and in the worst case scenario two people who could have been together for their entire lives break up and probably end up in less rewarding relationships. Where's the benefit in that? How is the father better off?
So, lets say she did not tell you and you two had a happy marriage for the rest of your lives.
You'd really want to have had the oppurtunity to become distrustful and paranoid about your SO because of a one-time mistake that she made?
If so, i applaud your principles, but me, i realise nobody's perfect.
I single event likely isn't going to break us up. And yes, at first I'd probably be horrifically mad at her. But eventually it'd likely make us stronger because I know she'll always be honest with me. Why would I need to be paranoid and distrustful when she risked our relationship in being honest. Moreso the fact that she acknowledged my wishes in the relationship.
I'm trying to imagine what would have happened if my mother had confessed to my father that she'd made out with some dude for a few seconds while drunk, and I don't really see the benefit at all. An otherwise healthy relationship gets irrevocably damaged, perhaps forever, and in the worst case scenario two people who could have been together for their entire lives break up and probably end up in less rewarding relationships. Where's the benefit in that? How is the father better off?
Well, they'd be married to a liar who doesn't respect them for one. And if your father would have ended the relationship just like that I have to say he probably didn't care for her much to begin with.
What do you hope to gain by telling Ryan about it? If it's just to assuage your guilt over a mistake like that then I wouldn't tell him. You made a minor, onetime, harmless mistake(unless kissing guy has orally transmitted ebola or something), learn from it and move on, there's no need to burden your bf with all the details. This only applies if you don't do it again.
On the other hand, if this is something you do regularly or there are underlying issues, you gotta have a talk about it.
this is good advice, but if you keep it a secret, don't ever tell, don't wait 5 years or 20 years and then blab it because the guilt is gnawing away at you.
Well, they'd be married to a liar who doesn't respect them for one. And if your father would have ended the relationship just like that I have to say he probably didn't care for her much to begin with.
Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect.
Also, the "if they break up, they weren't meant to be together anyway" thing is such bullshit. It ignores the fact that jealousy and mistrust can often get the better of a person, often to their own detriment.
I'm trying to imagine what would have happened if my mother had confessed to my father that she'd made out with some dude for a few seconds while drunk, and I don't really see the benefit at all. An otherwise healthy relationship gets irrevocably damaged, perhaps forever, and in the worst case scenario two people who could have been together for their entire lives break up and probably end up in less rewarding relationships. Where's the benefit in that? How is the father better off?
A couple things:
First off, the OP stated they made out like horny chimps, correct? To me, thats a little more than a few seconds.
Second, regardless of the length of the kiss, there is nothing that says "healthy relationship" more than kissing other people while your drunk and keeping it hidden from your SO, is there? o_O
You can scenario it whichever way you want but making out with other people, even once, is not the right thing to do, nor is it going to end well, should you feel the need to keep it secret.
Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect.
Also, the "if they break up, they weren't meant to be together anyway" thing is such bullshit. It ignores the fact that jealousy and mistrust can often get the better of a person, often to their own detriment.
No, kissing someone, and let's be more honest here, making out with someone like a horny chimpanzee, and then lying to you SO about it is lack of respect.
And I never said the last bit. I said he didn't really care for her. Which, quite frankly he didn't if all it took was a few seconds of kissing to end their presumably years long relationship.
Well, they'd be married to a liar who doesn't respect them for one. And if your father would have ended the relationship just like that I have to say he probably didn't care for her much to begin with.
Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect.
Also, the "if they break up, they weren't meant to be together anyway" thing is such bullshit. It ignores the fact that jealousy and mistrust can often get the better of a person, often to their own detriment.
You need to qualify your statement dude:
"Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion."
Let me come at it from a different angle:
Kissing someone once, and not telling your spouse about it, does indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion.
But please tell me why you'd be so keen to know about something like that even though:
1. she realised she made a mistake.
2. did it in a way that would never get out unless she told you.
3. it was no more than kissing.
What are your interest here?
Because it's my relationship too and it's up to me just as much as her. It's up to me if I want to be with her, even if it was a mistake. It's not up to her if I want to be with her.
So, lets say she did not tell you and you two had a happy marriage for the rest of your lives.
You'd really want to have had the oppurtunity to become distrustful and paranoid about your SO because of a one-time mistake that she made?
If so, i applaud your principles, but me, i realise nobody's perfect.
The truth is a blunt weapon, and i think half of you are so hung up on morals that you don't even realise what damage this can cause.
Damage that it can cause? The damage is already done.
I'm trying to imagine what would have happened if my mother had confessed to my father that she'd made out with some dude for a few seconds while drunk, and I don't really see the benefit at all. An otherwise healthy relationship gets irrevocably damaged, perhaps forever, and in the worst case scenario two people who could have been together for their entire lives break up and probably end up in less rewarding relationships. Where's the benefit in that? How is the father better off?
lets say you mom did kiss some dude but didn't tell you dad and kept it secret for 15 years, but then your dad finds out somehow(either her confessing from guilt/slipping up, or even worse through someone else). Your dad is going to feel like a Champ knowing his wife lied to him for the past 15 years. where as if she had just admitted she made a stupid mistake when it happened. he might have forgiven her, they could have moved on, and he would have newfound trust in her that she felt really guilty about something bad that happened and that he can trust that should it happen again she'll be upfront about it.
Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect.
According to you. I certainly wouldn't want to have a non-open relationship with someone who held this opinion.
If she doesn't think it indicates a lack of respect, then what is the harm in telling? If he agrees, then great. If he disagrees, then that's his prerogative.
Also, the "if they break up, they weren't meant to be together anyway" thing is such bullshit. It ignores the fact that jealousy and mistrust can often get the better of a person, often to their own detriment.
If he breaks up with her because he's jealous of the dude she makes out with—I agree, that's not a good reason.
If he breaks up with her because she broke his trust—that's a perfectly good reason.
In either case, it's his decision, not yours. And robbing him of this decision by lying about it is immoral.
Well, they'd be married to a liar who doesn't respect them for one. And if your father would have ended the relationship just like that I have to say he probably didn't care for her much to begin with.
Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect.
Also, the "if they break up, they weren't meant to be together anyway" thing is such bullshit. It ignores the fact that jealousy and mistrust can often get the better of a person, often to their own detriment.
You need to qualify your statement dude:
"Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion."
Let me come at it from a different angle:
Kissing someone once, and not telling your spouse about it, does indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion.
edit: beateded by Quid...
It's not an opinion; it's a fact. You can't extrapolate how a person feels about and regards another person from a single instance of disrespect.
Most people have shown disrespect to the people they respect at one point or another. That doesn't invalidate the respect shown beforehand, nor does it lessen the respect shown afterward.
If he breaks up with her because he's jealous of the dude she makes out with—I agree, that's not a good reason.
If he breaks up with her because she broke his trust—that's a perfectly good reason.
In either case, it's his decision, not yours. And robbing him of this decision by lying about it is immoral.
I wasn't talking about breaking up with someone because you feel you can't trust them, and that you therefore don't want to be in the relationship anymore. I was talking about those instances where two people genuinely want to be together, but cannot overcome a feeling of distrust that was created by a single mistake because, frankly, they're imperfect. This leads to an unhealthy relationship and, eventually, a miserable breakup between two people who could have otherwise been happy together.
Well, they'd be married to a liar who doesn't respect them for one. And if your father would have ended the relationship just like that I have to say he probably didn't care for her much to begin with.
Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect.
Also, the "if they break up, they weren't meant to be together anyway" thing is such bullshit. It ignores the fact that jealousy and mistrust can often get the better of a person, often to their own detriment.
You need to qualify your statement dude:
"Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion."
Let me come at it from a different angle:
Kissing someone once, and not telling your spouse about it, does indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion.
edit: beateded by Quid...
It's not an opinion; it's a fact.
No, it's entirely relative to the nature of the relationship and what the two people expect out of that relationship.
Some people might be as forgiving as you. That's totally cool. Other people would interpret it as a total breach of trust. That's also cool.
You don't get to mandate what is "fact" in terms of subjective human experiences.
Well, they'd be married to a liar who doesn't respect them for one. And if your father would have ended the relationship just like that I have to say he probably didn't care for her much to begin with.
Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect.
Also, the "if they break up, they weren't meant to be together anyway" thing is such bullshit. It ignores the fact that jealousy and mistrust can often get the better of a person, often to their own detriment.
You need to qualify your statement dude:
"Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion."
Let me come at it from a different angle:
Kissing someone once, and not telling your spouse about it, does indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion.
edit: beateded by Quid...
It's not an opinion; it's a fact. You can't extrapolate how a person feels about and regards another person from a single instance of disrespect.
Most people have shown disrespect to the people they respect at one point or another. That doesn't invalidate the respect shown beforehand, nor does it lessen the respect shown afterward.
Robos, I have to wonder if you even know what you're arguing anymore.
Robos, I have to wonder if you even know what you're arguing anymore.
Am I being inconsistent?
To reiterate, I'm saying that kissing someone else once is not a big deal, but that making this information known is likely to yield a disproportionately negative reaction. As such, I think keeping the event, which is itself quite minor, to yourself is arguably the better move. It's a pragmatic move that flies in the face of commonly held principles about how to handle these situations, but I think it also yields better results in a significant number of cases.
Meanwhile, in the other cases, I expect things progress in much the same Quid imagines with people who simply don't care about each other naturally drifting apart regardless of whether or not a secret indiscretion is ever revealed.
Hopefully I've been clear and consistent throughout this thread, but if not you can look at this post to determine what I at least claim to believe at this moment.
I was talking about those instances where two people genuinely want to be together, but cannot overcome a feeling of distrust that was created by a single mistake because, frankly, they're imperfect. This leads to an unhealthy relationship
You know what leads to an unhealthy relationship? Declaring the other party imperfect and making their decisions for them.
I was talking about those instances where two people genuinely want to be together, but cannot overcome a feeling of distrust that was created by a single mistake because, frankly, they're imperfect. This leads to an unhealthy relationship
You know what leads to an unhealthy relationship? Declaring the other party imperfect and making their decisions for them.
We probably don't have the same definition of unhealthy. I define unhealthy relationships as ones where someone is suffering or being held back somehow. You view unhealthy relationships as ones where a rule is broken, but there are no consequences.
One important difference between our definitions is that relationships you define as unhealthy can also be happy and rewarding, in spite of what you deem to be a horrible flaw.
Hell no i don't need to know that. What the fuck is wrong with you people.
I would. I would very much want to know if my wife cheated on me.
But apparently were she to come on this board and post this situation you'd tell her to keep it to herself, my own desires be damned.
It's not like i made any nuances regarding that advise, but hey that's cool.
But please tell me why you'd be so keen to know about something like that even though:
1. she realised she made a mistake.
2. did it in a way that would never get out unless she told you.
3. it was no more than kissing.
What are your interest here?
If I may:
1. While she may realize it was a mistake, that doesn't mean she wouldn't feel any guilt for having done it, and if she didn't feel any guilt, there's reason to believe she'd do it again.
2. Back to the guilt. If she has a shred of conscience, the guilt would become more difficult to overcome as time passes. Repressing any emotion is difficult and almost always ends in that information coming out later at a very inopportune time, such as a heated argument.
3. This is the disconnect. Your phrasing of "no more than kissing" indicates that, to you, kissing another person isn't a big deal in a monogamous relationship. While I can't speak for everyone, I can say with some degree of confidence that I believe that viewpoint to be in the minority just based on my experience and discussions with others. Cheating for many people doesn't begin at insertion. In fact it doesn't always even begin at physical interaction. Everyone has their own boundaries and while kissing might not cross yours, it definitely would mine, Quid's and if I had to guess, the OP's boyfriend (hence his reluctance to mention it).
The point is, relationships are built on honesty and communication. Lying to (or withholding significant information from) your significant other can often have severe negative repercussions.
I was hoping Halfmex had posted here. He has much wisdom. I don't have anything to add, except that if you have to ask "is this technically cheating", I believe the answer is apparent.
I love how most of the threads in HA have become vicious mixtures of SE++ and D&D.
That aside...
IN MY OPINION I would consider if cheating if I did that with another woman aside from my common-law or if she did it with another man aside from me. It smacks of disrespect and thoughtlessness. Man up, tell Ryan you did something stupid and see if you two can recover, if not, you have no one to blame but yourself.
No one forced drinks down your throat.
No one forced your lips onto your friends.
You sir made these choices... drunk or not you have to live with them.
Then clearly kissing someone other than your partner only once is perfectly healthy so long as you both are happy and the partner never finds out.
Now your sarcastic comment sounds reasonable!
You just said your definition of an unhealthy relationship is one where someone is suffering. So long as they're both happy, honesty is irrelevant in your definition.
Listen, you've made it clear. You don't think the OP should tell his SO on the basis that it will upset them and then, the horror, they would be the ones deciding whether or not to stay with him. This is what's supposed to happen in an equal and fair relationship. AKA a healthy relationship. Lying to your SO about something they very obviously didn't want you to do in the first place is not. It means you don't think they're capable of making the right decision for themselves.
I don't think I said honesty is irrelevant. I only meant that having a perfectly honest relationship is secondary to having a happy, functional, and rewarding relationship. I didn't mean to dismiss honesty altogether any more than you mean to dismiss happiness when you suggest that choosing that over honesty, fairness, and how you're supposed to act is ludicrous.
I don't think I said honesty is irrelevant. I only meant that having a perfectly honest relationship is secondary to having a happy, functional, and rewarding relationship. I didn't mean to dismiss honesty altogether any more than you mean to dismiss happiness when you suggest that choosing that over honesty, fairness, and how you're supposed to act is ludicrous.
And what if your happiness is contingent on being able to trust the human being you're in a relationship with?
I don't think I said honesty is irrelevant. I only meant that having a perfectly honest relationship is secondary to having a happy, functional, and rewarding relationship. I didn't mean to dismiss honesty altogether any more than you mean to dismiss happiness when you suggest that choosing that over honesty, fairness, and how you're supposed to act is ludicrous.
And what if your happiness is contingent on being able to trust the human being you're in a relationship with?
The OP isn't automatically and permanently untrustworthy if she lies about this, nor are any of the multitude of people who will lie to you at one point or another but generally tell the truth because they're essentially good people, which means that they're about as good as anyone you could ever hope to meet in this world.
Anyway, the idea of someone depending primarily on trustworthiness for their happiness is pretty ridiculous. Dependability, sure, but trustworthiness? It's an invisible quality.
I don't think I said honesty is irrelevant. I only meant that having a perfectly honest relationship is secondary to having a happy, functional, and rewarding relationship. I didn't mean to dismiss honesty altogether any more than you mean to dismiss happiness when you suggest that choosing that over honesty, fairness, and how you're supposed to act is ludicrous.
And what if your happiness is contingent on being able to trust the human being you're in a relationship with?
The OP isn't automatically and permanently untrustworthy if she lies about this, nor are any of the multitude of people who will lie to you at one point or another but generally tell the truth because they're essentially good people, which means that they're about as good as anyone you could ever hope to meet in this world.
Anyway, the idea of someone depending primarily on trustworthiness for their happiness is pretty ridiculous. Dependability, sure, but trustworthiness? It's an invisible quality.
An...invisible...qu...what the hell does that even mean?
An...invisible...qu...what the hell does that even mean?
Unless someone prefaces every true statement they make with, "I could have lied about this, you know," or is constantly doing things that most people would lie about and then telling you about them, trustworthiness isn't something you really notice. At best, I'm only tempted to lie once every few months, and the rest of the time there isn't much to lie about. How is a quality that manifests so rarely, and oftentimes in a way that avoids notice, able to exist as the essential component of someone's happiness? I find the idea absurd, personally.
That said, trustworthiness often goes hand in hand with dependability, and that's much more noticeable and attractive.
How does lying about something your SO thinks is important not make you untrustworthy?
Like I said before, I don't think you can categorize a person as one thing or another (in this case, untrustworthy) based on how they act in a single instance.
Do you honestly think that everyone who is keeping a dark secret from one loved one or another is untrustworthy, simply because of that one secret and regardless of whether or not they're especially prone to lying aside from that? To me, that's not a very reasonable stance to take as it ignores both the majority of the relationship and the full extent of the liar's character.
Going to weigh in here. It's cheating, and it's only honest to admit to it. In my mind, not coming out and admitting to it is worse than the making out (which really isn't awful but still not right).
And I don't care what totem poll you're use, kissing is pretty damn low. Since Keyscourge is now irrelevant to the conversation, I won't assume it's monkey making out, let's say 2-3 seconds.
And really, the people who harp on this have no business doing so unless they're entirely, 100%, never told a lie honest to their partner at all times throughout their relationship.
Going to weigh in here. It's cheating, and it's only honest to admit to it. In my mind, not coming out and admitting to it is worse than the making out (which really isn't awful but still not right).
Going to weigh in here. It's cheating, and it's only honest to admit to it. In my mind, not coming out and admitting to it is worse than the making out (which really isn't awful but still not right).
Confess, be forgiven or not.
Honesty is not inherently virtuous.
Can you please elaborate?
kedinik on
I made a game! Hotline Maui. Requires mouse and keyboard.
Getting drunk and doing something stupid is one thing. However you know you fucked up, hiding that is what would ultimately cause things to be much, much worse. It is much easier to forgive drunk and stupid if you find out early, finding out down the line makes you wonder what else the person lied about.
Posts
Wow. Way to take responsibility for your actions.
Hint: When you tell your boyfriend, don't blame it on the booze.
Tolerance aside, alcohol is NOT an excuse for this sort of thing, especially not in the quantities you were consuming.
Two asides here not directed at the OP;
1) How many of people out there have been in a relationship where their SO had a friend who you knew wanted your SO? Eventually the SO either admits that the 'friend' probably does want to bang, and keeps their guard up - or they vehemently deny it until you're forced to just trust your SO's judgement.
Would you want to know if your SO had a lapse of judgement and made out like a horny chimp with this guy? Especially if the story went 'oh yeah, Soandso came by with a couple six packs -- we watched a movie -- then he left. Nothing special'.
2) People have tried to qualify what cheating is. Ultimately, it comes down to the individual. The individual in question though should be the SO, not yourself. If you don't feel guilty about doing something, but you KNOW your SO wouldn't like it then that is cheating. Cheating is all about your SO's feelings, not yours. If I go off to another country and bleep some girl behind my girlfriend's back, she absolutely has the right to know. Diseases aside, that is cheating. If I tell her then some trust will be lost between us, and the relationship may end, but at least I'm not a complete asshole.
What kind of person would want to date someone that can't own up to their mistakes and admit if they fooled around with someone else? Even if they'd never see them again. Heck yes I would want my girlfriend to tell me if she made it with someone she'd never see again. It speaks to her character. Very negatively.
So, lets say she did not tell you and you two had a happy marriage for the rest of your lives.
You'd really want to have had the oppurtunity to become distrustful and paranoid about your SO because of a one-time mistake that she made?
If so, i applaud your principles, but me, i realise nobody's perfect.
The truth is a blunt weapon, and i think half of you are so hung up on morals that you don't even realise what damage this can cause.
I'm trying to imagine what would have happened if my mother had confessed to my father that she'd made out with some dude for a few seconds while drunk, and I don't really see the benefit at all. An otherwise healthy relationship gets irrevocably damaged, perhaps forever, and in the worst case scenario two people who could have been together for their entire lives break up and probably end up in less rewarding relationships. Where's the benefit in that? How is the father better off?
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Well, they'd be married to a liar who doesn't respect them for one. And if your father would have ended the relationship just like that I have to say he probably didn't care for her much to begin with.
this is good advice, but if you keep it a secret, don't ever tell, don't wait 5 years or 20 years and then blab it because the guilt is gnawing away at you.
Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect.
Also, the "if they break up, they weren't meant to be together anyway" thing is such bullshit. It ignores the fact that jealousy and mistrust can often get the better of a person, often to their own detriment.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
A couple things:
First off, the OP stated they made out like horny chimps, correct? To me, thats a little more than a few seconds.
Second, regardless of the length of the kiss, there is nothing that says "healthy relationship" more than kissing other people while your drunk and keeping it hidden from your SO, is there? o_O
You can scenario it whichever way you want but making out with other people, even once, is not the right thing to do, nor is it going to end well, should you feel the need to keep it secret.
And I never said the last bit. I said he didn't really care for her. Which, quite frankly he didn't if all it took was a few seconds of kissing to end their presumably years long relationship.
You need to qualify your statement dude:
"Kissing someone once doesn't indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion."
Let me come at it from a different angle:
Kissing someone once, and not telling your spouse about it, does indicate an overall lack of respect, in my opinion.
edit: beateded by Quid...
Damage that it can cause? The damage is already done.
lets say you mom did kiss some dude but didn't tell you dad and kept it secret for 15 years, but then your dad finds out somehow(either her confessing from guilt/slipping up, or even worse through someone else). Your dad is going to feel like a Champ knowing his wife lied to him for the past 15 years. where as if she had just admitted she made a stupid mistake when it happened. he might have forgiven her, they could have moved on, and he would have newfound trust in her that she felt really guilty about something bad that happened and that he can trust that should it happen again she'll be upfront about it.
If she doesn't think it indicates a lack of respect, then what is the harm in telling? If he agrees, then great. If he disagrees, then that's his prerogative.
If he breaks up with her because he's jealous of the dude she makes out with—I agree, that's not a good reason.
If he breaks up with her because she broke his trust—that's a perfectly good reason.
In either case, it's his decision, not yours. And robbing him of this decision by lying about it is immoral.
It's not an opinion; it's a fact. You can't extrapolate how a person feels about and regards another person from a single instance of disrespect.
Most people have shown disrespect to the people they respect at one point or another. That doesn't invalidate the respect shown beforehand, nor does it lessen the respect shown afterward.
I wasn't talking about breaking up with someone because you feel you can't trust them, and that you therefore don't want to be in the relationship anymore. I was talking about those instances where two people genuinely want to be together, but cannot overcome a feeling of distrust that was created by a single mistake because, frankly, they're imperfect. This leads to an unhealthy relationship and, eventually, a miserable breakup between two people who could have otherwise been happy together.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Some people might be as forgiving as you. That's totally cool. Other people would interpret it as a total breach of trust. That's also cool.
You don't get to mandate what is "fact" in terms of subjective human experiences.
Robos, I have to wonder if you even know what you're arguing anymore.
Well?
Am I being inconsistent?
To reiterate, I'm saying that kissing someone else once is not a big deal, but that making this information known is likely to yield a disproportionately negative reaction. As such, I think keeping the event, which is itself quite minor, to yourself is arguably the better move. It's a pragmatic move that flies in the face of commonly held principles about how to handle these situations, but I think it also yields better results in a significant number of cases.
Meanwhile, in the other cases, I expect things progress in much the same Quid imagines with people who simply don't care about each other naturally drifting apart regardless of whether or not a secret indiscretion is ever revealed.
Hopefully I've been clear and consistent throughout this thread, but if not you can look at this post to determine what I at least claim to believe at this moment.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
We probably don't have the same definition of unhealthy. I define unhealthy relationships as ones where someone is suffering or being held back somehow. You view unhealthy relationships as ones where a rule is broken, but there are no consequences.
One important difference between our definitions is that relationships you define as unhealthy can also be happy and rewarding, in spite of what you deem to be a horrible flaw.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
I was hoping Halfmex had posted here. He has much wisdom. I don't have anything to add, except that if you have to ask "is this technically cheating", I believe the answer is apparent.
Now your sarcastic comment sounds reasonable!
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
That aside...
IN MY OPINION I would consider if cheating if I did that with another woman aside from my common-law or if she did it with another man aside from me. It smacks of disrespect and thoughtlessness. Man up, tell Ryan you did something stupid and see if you two can recover, if not, you have no one to blame but yourself.
No one forced drinks down your throat.
No one forced your lips onto your friends.
You sir made these choices... drunk or not you have to live with them.
But again, this is only my opinion.
Listen, you've made it clear. You don't think the OP should tell his SO on the basis that it will upset them and then, the horror, they would be the ones deciding whether or not to stay with him. This is what's supposed to happen in an equal and fair relationship. AKA a healthy relationship. Lying to your SO about something they very obviously didn't want you to do in the first place is not. It means you don't think they're capable of making the right decision for themselves.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Anyway, the idea of someone depending primarily on trustworthiness for their happiness is pretty ridiculous. Dependability, sure, but trustworthiness? It's an invisible quality.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
An...invisible...qu...what the hell does that even mean?
Unless someone prefaces every true statement they make with, "I could have lied about this, you know," or is constantly doing things that most people would lie about and then telling you about them, trustworthiness isn't something you really notice. At best, I'm only tempted to lie once every few months, and the rest of the time there isn't much to lie about. How is a quality that manifests so rarely, and oftentimes in a way that avoids notice, able to exist as the essential component of someone's happiness? I find the idea absurd, personally.
That said, trustworthiness often goes hand in hand with dependability, and that's much more noticeable and attractive.
Like I said before, I don't think you can categorize a person as one thing or another (in this case, untrustworthy) based on how they act in a single instance.
Do you honestly think that everyone who is keeping a dark secret from one loved one or another is untrustworthy, simply because of that one secret and regardless of whether or not they're especially prone to lying aside from that? To me, that's not a very reasonable stance to take as it ignores both the majority of the relationship and the full extent of the liar's character.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Confess, be forgiven or not.
sorry, kissing someone else while drunk doesn't taint an entire relationship.
And really, the people who harp on this have no business doing so unless they're entirely, 100%, never told a lie honest to their partner at all times throughout their relationship.
Can you please elaborate?