Remember how a few pages ago I said I'd take a break from this whole online dating thing? Yeah about that ...
I deleted all my (german) profiles, but left the one at OKC up, as this site doesn't get used all that much over here and I didn't see the immediate need. A few days after deleting all the other profiles I got a message out of the blue where this girl asks me about the latest season finale of Castle. We exchange a few messages back and forth and went on our first date last friday. She is awesome and we talked for 4 hours. Tonight we are going for dinner.
Probably going to take a break from Internet dating for a while. I've had luck getting dates out of it but never really found anybody that clicks (my area is pretty dead for singles in their late 20s - everyone either gets married or gets out of Dodge after high school).
Also going through some personal stuff that really should get handled before I think more about dating seriously. That said, I'd like to reiterate that this type of meeting people really does seem to work and I'll be going back to it hopefully once I pull my life together.
It also helps if your opener isn't, "Hi. You're pretty?" (Sorry, @KitKatBar, it's just not a realistic opener for most dudes). Most women have been hearing "how pretty they are" from every Johnson, and Richard that wanted to sex them; full-stop. It becomes understood very quickly, by virtue that you're approaching them, that you think they're attractive. Try to notice something other guys aren't going to notice about her and compliment that. The difference between, "Hi, you're pretty. Want to get coffee?" and "Hi, I couldn't help notice you have really well manicured nails, do you do them yourself? My name is Jean, by the way. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.", is big if you're just walking up to a random girl on the bus that you find attractive. If you can find something that isn't focused on her physical appearance, that's even better; because it's signalling that you're actually looking to get to know her.
I don't know about that. I can only speak for myself, but I have no objections to a guy confidently walking up to me and telling me I'm cute and asking for my number - in fact, I went out with the last guy to try it. At the same time, when I get those "hey ur pretty" messages in my OKC inbox I ignore them on sight.
It all has to do with demeanor and the information available. On OKC, you've got my whole profile to pull from, and if you can't look beyond my pictures you're not someone I want to know. In real life, there are only so many things you can know about a person before you meet them if you want to strike up a conversation, and it's much easier to determine chemistry right off the bat. In fact, someone taking time to find some odd little detail to talk about instead of just going straight for the obvious can come off as a little creepy and trying too hard. Again, I can't stress how important confidence is (or at least the appearence of confidence - "Whistle a Happy Tune" if you need to guys).
Any other girls want to chime in one way or the other?
Back to being single, but not going to be actively pursuing OKCupid hits other than occasionally checking visitors. Too busy with school, job, and moving prep, plus my town is too limited with people. Haven't seen anyone new in months, and Ive already PMd everyone of interest. Nothing against the site, I just live in too small a town. Things will be better once I move to a more youth-oriented town, and this gives me a chance to try meeting mre people in person, maybe get used to exchanging numbers and such.
Steam
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
boldly telling a woman that i like her smile or she is cute or i saw her and felt compelled to come say hello or whatever, has always had a good success rate for me
british comedies have suggested women like uncertain befuddlement but that has not been the case with most women i've approached
I think it's because in "real life," women are happy to know WHY someone is talking to them. If a man approaches a woman and says "I think you're pretty, care for a dinner sometime," she knows it's a date. If he just asks for a phone number, or dinner, she has no real basis for understanding why they're hanging out. I also think a lot of women will hear "do you want to do an activity with me" and assume it's just as friends.
I believe that works towards men, as well, except that men are more likely to assume something has romantic undertones.
Are they? I guess it goes both ways, not sure where the assuming begins... I'd say women are just as likely to assume a man asking them to do [random activity] would imply a date even if it's not stated or he's not overt about being attracted to her. Aren't women taught that every guy talking to us must have ulterior motives? >_>
I think it's because in "real life," women are happy to know WHY someone is talking to them. If a man approaches a woman and says "I think you're pretty, care for a dinner sometime," she knows it's a date. If he just asks for a phone number, or dinner, she has no real basis for understanding why they're hanging out. I also think a lot of women will hear "do you want to do an activity with me" and assume it's just as friends.
I believe that works towards men, as well, except that men are more likely to assume something has romantic undertones.
I've been out of the dating scene for so long that I have forgotten how to approach people without making an ass of myself. My problem is I never really had the courage to walk up to someone and ask them out, so I always end up being friends (which is fine most of the time!) because of my own damn self. I think I'm deathly afraid of being made fun of for expressing romantic intentions/feelings towards someone and the chance of rejection.
Should I just ask that question to a girl I recently met and like a lot?
Are they? I guess it goes both ways, not sure where the assuming begins... I'd say women are just as likely to assume a man asking them to do [random activity] would imply a date even if it's not stated or he's not overt about being attracted to her. Aren't women taught that every guy talking to us must have ulterior motives? >_>
Yes, women believe that men have ulterior motives because they know men are more likely assume that something has romantic undertones
I think it's because in "real life," women are happy to know WHY someone is talking to them. If a man approaches a woman and says "I think you're pretty, care for a dinner sometime," she knows it's a date. If he just asks for a phone number, or dinner, she has no real basis for understanding why they're hanging out. I also think a lot of women will hear "do you want to do an activity with me" and assume it's just as friends.
I believe that works towards men, as well, except that men are more likely to assume something has romantic undertones.
I've been out of the dating scene for so long that I have forgotten how to approach people without making an ass of myself. My problem is I never really had the courage to walk up to someone and ask them out, so I always end up being friends (which is fine most of the time!) because of my own damn self. I think I'm deathly afraid of being made fun of for expressing romantic intentions/feelings towards someone and the chance of rejection.
Should I just ask that question to a girl I recently met and like a lot?
You should ask girls out before you fixiate on them
So, normally I get replies to about ~33% of the messages I send. I've sent out ~15 in the past few days, and nothing back. Bummer.
Also depressing: I've been on dates with ~10 girls since I started this a year ago, and none have lead to anything. Half the time it's a first date only. The rest of the time I get two or three dates but nothing else. Either I'm not interested or she's not interested.
No point to this post, except that I'm discouraged.
I think it's because in "real life," women are happy to know WHY someone is talking to them. If a man approaches a woman and says "I think you're pretty, care for a dinner sometime," she knows it's a date. If he just asks for a phone number, or dinner, she has no real basis for understanding why they're hanging out. I also think a lot of women will hear "do you want to do an activity with me" and assume it's just as friends.
I believe that works towards men, as well, except that men are more likely to assume something has romantic undertones.
I've been out of the dating scene for so long that I have forgotten how to approach people without making an ass of myself. My problem is I never really had the courage to walk up to someone and ask them out, so I always end up being friends (which is fine most of the time!) because of my own damn self. I think I'm deathly afraid of being made fun of for expressing romantic intentions/feelings towards someone and the chance of rejection.
Should I just ask that question to a girl I recently met and like a lot?
You should ask girls out before you fixiate on them
Sounds like damn good advice, thanks. Dating with me usually just happens by accident without realizing, I'll give this a go.
So, normally I get replies to about ~33% of the messages I send. I've sent out ~15 in the past few days, and nothing back. Bummer.
Also depressing: I've been on dates with ~10 girls since I started this a year ago, and none have lead to anything. Half the time it's a first date only. The rest of the time I get two or three dates but nothing else. Either I'm not interested or she's not interested.
No point to this post, except that I'm discouraged.
Man, give it a break for a while if it's starting to drag you down a bit. Two reasons - first, it'll show in your messages and dates if you're worn down, so taking a breath of fresh air and resetting will only help in terms of 'success'. Second, maybe it's just not the right time; hell knows that I go through periods where I get like, 1 view out of every 20 messages sent, and then through periods where girls will start initiating the conversation with me.
So relax, and remember that if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong!
I think it's because in "real life," women are happy to know WHY someone is talking to them. If a man approaches a woman and says "I think you're pretty, care for a dinner sometime," she knows it's a date. If he just asks for a phone number, or dinner, she has no real basis for understanding why they're hanging out. I also think a lot of women will hear "do you want to do an activity with me" and assume it's just as friends.
I believe that works towards men, as well, except that men are more likely to assume something has romantic undertones.
I've been out of the dating scene for so long that I have forgotten how to approach people without making an ass of myself. My problem is I never really had the courage to walk up to someone and ask them out, so I always end up being friends (which is fine most of the time!) because of my own damn self. I think I'm deathly afraid of being made fun of for expressing romantic intentions/feelings towards someone and the chance of rejection.
Should I just ask that question to a girl I recently met and like a lot?
You should ask girls out before you fixiate on them
Sounds like damn good advice, thanks. Dating with me usually just happens by accident without realizing, I'll give this a go.
I mean, don't just go girl to girl hitting on each one. but if you feel some flirtation, and feel a bit of initial interest, just go for it. Say, "It's cool if I'm out of line here, but if you're single, could we do something (this weekend/soon/etc)?" Don't over think it. There's NO GAIN in anything but momentary comfort level in overthinking it. It doesn't help your chances, it doesn't make it easier when you get turned down, it doesn't really spare you any pain of any kind, it just delays it.
What is annoying me the most right now is that it seems every girl I find attractive has a profile talking about how much they love sports and camping and fishing and hiking and outdoors blah blah blah, and/or how much they like to party.
What is annoying me the most right now is that it seems every girl I find attractive has a profile talking about how much they love sports and camping and fishing and hiking and outdoors blah blah blah, and/or how much they like to party.
Meanwhile, I am very much an "inside person".
Is this a thinly veiled addition to the "no fat chicks" post above?
Okay, I've had enough. Maybe there isn't a tasteful way to say 'no fat chicks' in your profile without looking like a huge douche.
No I don't find you physically attractive. Deal with it.
Yeah, I really tried to emphasize in my profile that I'm pretty active, enjoy fitness, and am reasonably fit myself. I would always hope that would clue women in who aren't any of those things that I find that somewhat important. Like, I'm not a gym rat, and I don't want that in a woman, but I also have my shit under control, and I do want that in a woman.
Not the case with most messages I received.
If you don't want to say it outright, then you just have to deal with it. Accept it as flattering, and know that, like many things in life, the quality of what just shows up on your doorstep is not necessarily always indicative of the quality of what you could have if you get out there and put in the hard yards.
That said, I've given women who I wasn't particularly physically attracted to a chance when they had other aspects that were a bit interesting. I wouldn't particularly recommend that, either - in my experience, there is no overcoming that first hurdle and at best they just become someone you want to be friends with, which is a great chance to experience the wonder of mixed messaging and self-delusion leading to hurt feelings.
What is annoying me the most right now is that it seems every girl I find attractive has a profile talking about how much they love sports and camping and fishing and hiking and outdoors blah blah blah, and/or how much they like to party.
Meanwhile, I am very much an "inside person".
Is this a thinly veiled addition to the "no fat chicks" post above?
Huh? No. I generally don't care for "great outdoors" type stuff but it seems every profile I read where I find the girl physically attractive is all about sports and camping and stuff. I get my exercise at the gym but when it comes to leisure times I very much like indoors stuff, wether it's something simple like watching a movie or something like pool/bowling mini golf/etc.
And between not drinking and preferring the company of individuals/small groups, parties and bars are pretty much anti-fun for me.
It's just a simple case of having trouble finding people that both live a lifestyle that gels with mine and are attractive to me.
Yeah I didn't mean that in an offensive way, but... It's not unlikely that when someone here says "women I find attractive" they mean "not the fat chicks," but those not-fat chicks probably look that way precisely because they spend a lot of time doing things outdoors and playing sports and such.
Well obviously I'm much more likely to find someone attractive if they're in good shape. I think many would say that.
It's certainly nothing I'd consider a hard rule or dealbreaker though. And there's plenty of "in shape" women that I find unattractive. If anything, facial features matter the most to me.
But, like, it's not like you have to be all sportssportssports to not be obese, either. Lots of people simply get their exercise at the gym these days, and don't eat tons of shit. I know plenty of people like that but the online dating pool around here is filled with girls that are all about a sporty, outdoorsy lifestyle and man that is something I am not into at all.
Probably because this province has a ton of people who grew up on or around farms.
Okay, I've had enough. Maybe there just isn't a tasteful way to say "no ugly gamer guys" in your profile without looking like a huge bitch.
No, I don't find you physically attractive. Deal with it.
I've gone to great lengths to put in my profile how much I enjoy doing things outside so as to discourage them, but I still get messages anyway.
----
I'm not saying you can't think this or that you have to talk to them, but when you complain about women not messaging you back or being shallow, perhaps remember that it's not limited to gender?
Okay, I've had enough. Maybe there just isn't a tasteful way to say "no ugly gamer guys" in your profile without looking like a huge bitch.
No, I don't find you physically attractive. Deal with it.
I've gone to great lengths to put in my profile how much I enjoy doing things outside so as to discourage them, but I still get messages anyway.
----
I'm not saying you can't think this or that you have to talk to them, but when you complain about women not messaging you back or being shallow, perhaps remember that it's not limited to gender?
Well, firstly, I see lots of women basically post that. Nebulous things like "Please don't be a loser" or "Please have a real job" all the way to specifics like "I don't date [ethnicity] guys". I don't know whether that works for them or not - I imagine being that specific can be helpful to some women since odds probably are that they don't initiate as often, but it discourages me from shooting out a message (not that I think I'm a loser, but if you're negative in your profile it makes me think you're going to be negative in general and I'd rather avoid trying to meet a vague standard).
Secondly, I'm not sure why we can't use gender-specific language here. This is dating. If you're a hetero guy or bisexual/lesbian lady, you're going to be talking about meeting women.
Finally, as for me, I don't only put in fitness-related stuff to hopefully discourage less active women. I put it there because I'm interested in it and I decided it was important enough in my life to include. I also put in that I'm an avid beer-drinker and go to Oktoberfests and other similar events - both because I genuinely do love that stuff, and because it's a hopefully not-so-subtle hint that if you don't drink at all, there is going to be something important to me that we simply can't share. I get frustrated because sometimes it seems nobody reads my profile, or I have to be so blatant about things that it makes it seem like "no fat chicks" is a hard and fast rule with me (which it isn't - it's that I'm not attracted to women who lead a sedentary lifestyle).
I mean, I think that's the best way to go about it. Talk about things that are important to you, and hope that people will understand that they should message you if they like those things too and not message you if they don't like those things. Unfortunately not everyone is that clever, but that's why you can just ignore messages from people you don't think you'd have any interest in.
I mean, I think that's the best way to go about it. Talk about things that are important to you, and hope that people will understand that they should message you if they like those things too and not message you if they don't like those things. Unfortunately not everyone is that clever, but that's why you can just ignore messages from people you don't think you'd have any interest in.
Unfortunately, OKCupid penalizes you if you do that.
Well, as a personal matter, I do respond to every message. I don't know if that's harsher than ignoring them, but if someone takes the time out to talk to me, they deserve a response.
Don't worry, I'm not a dick in my responses. Half the women messaging me are asking to hook up anyway, which I can honestly say I'm not interested in.
SteamID : same as my PA forum name
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JohnnyCacheStarting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered Userregular
Okay, I've had enough. Maybe there just isn't a tasteful way to say "no ugly gamer guys" in your profile without looking like a huge bitch.
No, I don't find you physically attractive. Deal with it.
I've gone to great lengths to put in my profile how much I enjoy doing things outside so as to discourage them, but I still get messages anyway.
----
I'm not saying you can't think this or that you have to talk to them, but when you complain about women not messaging you back or being shallow, perhaps remember that it's not limited to gender?
JohnnyCacheStarting DefensePlace at the tableRegistered Userregular
Seriously ... where do people get some of these pictures? When I'm caving or hiking or working someplace cool i never have a third party with me, and if i do, I'm seldom thinking "pictures"... all my pictures are lame self shots or party shots where i look like a drunker, more addled GK Chesterton...
Well, as a personal matter, I do respond to every message. I don't know if that's harsher than ignoring them, but if someone takes the time out to talk to me, they deserve a response.
Don't worry, I'm not a dick in my responses. Half the women messaging me are asking to hook up anyway, which I can honestly say I'm not interested in.
Forward these to me.
Kidding. I actually just wanted to post to reiterate to any lurkers who are considering this stuff: Give it a shot, and for the love of God use the duck question. I'm pretty sure I have a better than 50% success rate for receiving a response to that one. Doesn't necessarily translate from response ---> actual date, but getting a response is probably the hard part, honestly.
Posts
This particular girl is DEFINITELY a reader of the site. Dunno about the forums.
I host a podcast about movies.
I deleted all my (german) profiles, but left the one at OKC up, as this site doesn't get used all that much over here and I didn't see the immediate need. A few days after deleting all the other profiles I got a message out of the blue where this girl asks me about the latest season finale of Castle. We exchange a few messages back and forth and went on our first date last friday. She is awesome and we talked for 4 hours. Tonight we are going for dinner.
So that was kinda unexpected ...
Also going through some personal stuff that really should get handled before I think more about dating seriously. That said, I'd like to reiterate that this type of meeting people really does seem to work and I'll be going back to it hopefully once I pull my life together.
I don't know about that. I can only speak for myself, but I have no objections to a guy confidently walking up to me and telling me I'm cute and asking for my number - in fact, I went out with the last guy to try it. At the same time, when I get those "hey ur pretty" messages in my OKC inbox I ignore them on sight.
It all has to do with demeanor and the information available. On OKC, you've got my whole profile to pull from, and if you can't look beyond my pictures you're not someone I want to know. In real life, there are only so many things you can know about a person before you meet them if you want to strike up a conversation, and it's much easier to determine chemistry right off the bat. In fact, someone taking time to find some odd little detail to talk about instead of just going straight for the obvious can come off as a little creepy and trying too hard. Again, I can't stress how important confidence is (or at least the appearence of confidence - "Whistle a Happy Tune" if you need to guys).
Any other girls want to chime in one way or the other?
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
british comedies have suggested women like uncertain befuddlement but that has not been the case with most women i've approached
I believe that works towards men, as well, except that men are more likely to assume something has romantic undertones.
that's a nice ass heart in your avatar
I've been out of the dating scene for so long that I have forgotten how to approach people without making an ass of myself. My problem is I never really had the courage to walk up to someone and ask them out, so I always end up being friends (which is fine most of the time!) because of my own damn self. I think I'm deathly afraid of being made fun of for expressing romantic intentions/feelings towards someone and the chance of rejection.
Should I just ask that question to a girl I recently met and like a lot?
Yes, women believe that men have ulterior motives because they know men are more likely assume that something has romantic undertones
You should ask girls out before you fixiate on them
I host a podcast about movies.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/HumanMale1138
It's funny.
I host a podcast about movies.
Also depressing: I've been on dates with ~10 girls since I started this a year ago, and none have lead to anything. Half the time it's a first date only. The rest of the time I get two or three dates but nothing else. Either I'm not interested or she's not interested.
No point to this post, except that I'm discouraged.
Sounds like damn good advice, thanks. Dating with me usually just happens by accident without realizing, I'll give this a go.
Man, give it a break for a while if it's starting to drag you down a bit. Two reasons - first, it'll show in your messages and dates if you're worn down, so taking a breath of fresh air and resetting will only help in terms of 'success'. Second, maybe it's just not the right time; hell knows that I go through periods where I get like, 1 view out of every 20 messages sent, and then through periods where girls will start initiating the conversation with me.
So relax, and remember that if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong!
No I don't find you physically attractive. Deal with it.
I know how you feel. Every girl that looks at my profile or has messaged me in the past year has been bigger than I am.
I mean, don't just go girl to girl hitting on each one. but if you feel some flirtation, and feel a bit of initial interest, just go for it. Say, "It's cool if I'm out of line here, but if you're single, could we do something (this weekend/soon/etc)?" Don't over think it. There's NO GAIN in anything but momentary comfort level in overthinking it. It doesn't help your chances, it doesn't make it easier when you get turned down, it doesn't really spare you any pain of any kind, it just delays it.
I host a podcast about movies.
Meanwhile, I am very much an "inside person".
My Let's Play Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC2go70QLfwGq-hW4nvUqmog
Is this a thinly veiled addition to the "no fat chicks" post above?
Yeah, I really tried to emphasize in my profile that I'm pretty active, enjoy fitness, and am reasonably fit myself. I would always hope that would clue women in who aren't any of those things that I find that somewhat important. Like, I'm not a gym rat, and I don't want that in a woman, but I also have my shit under control, and I do want that in a woman.
Not the case with most messages I received.
If you don't want to say it outright, then you just have to deal with it. Accept it as flattering, and know that, like many things in life, the quality of what just shows up on your doorstep is not necessarily always indicative of the quality of what you could have if you get out there and put in the hard yards.
That said, I've given women who I wasn't particularly physically attracted to a chance when they had other aspects that were a bit interesting. I wouldn't particularly recommend that, either - in my experience, there is no overcoming that first hurdle and at best they just become someone you want to be friends with, which is a great chance to experience the wonder of mixed messaging and self-delusion leading to hurt feelings.
Huh? No. I generally don't care for "great outdoors" type stuff but it seems every profile I read where I find the girl physically attractive is all about sports and camping and stuff. I get my exercise at the gym but when it comes to leisure times I very much like indoors stuff, wether it's something simple like watching a movie or something like pool/bowling mini golf/etc.
And between not drinking and preferring the company of individuals/small groups, parties and bars are pretty much anti-fun for me.
It's just a simple case of having trouble finding people that both live a lifestyle that gels with mine and are attractive to me.
My Let's Play Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC2go70QLfwGq-hW4nvUqmog
It's certainly nothing I'd consider a hard rule or dealbreaker though. And there's plenty of "in shape" women that I find unattractive. If anything, facial features matter the most to me.
But, like, it's not like you have to be all sportssportssports to not be obese, either. Lots of people simply get their exercise at the gym these days, and don't eat tons of shit. I know plenty of people like that but the online dating pool around here is filled with girls that are all about a sporty, outdoorsy lifestyle and man that is something I am not into at all.
Probably because this province has a ton of people who grew up on or around farms.
My Let's Play Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC2go70QLfwGq-hW4nvUqmog
No, I don't find you physically attractive. Deal with it.
I've gone to great lengths to put in my profile how much I enjoy doing things outside so as to discourage them, but I still get messages anyway.
----
I'm not saying you can't think this or that you have to talk to them, but when you complain about women not messaging you back or being shallow, perhaps remember that it's not limited to gender?
My Let's Play Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UC2go70QLfwGq-hW4nvUqmog
Well, firstly, I see lots of women basically post that. Nebulous things like "Please don't be a loser" or "Please have a real job" all the way to specifics like "I don't date [ethnicity] guys". I don't know whether that works for them or not - I imagine being that specific can be helpful to some women since odds probably are that they don't initiate as often, but it discourages me from shooting out a message (not that I think I'm a loser, but if you're negative in your profile it makes me think you're going to be negative in general and I'd rather avoid trying to meet a vague standard).
Secondly, I'm not sure why we can't use gender-specific language here. This is dating. If you're a hetero guy or bisexual/lesbian lady, you're going to be talking about meeting women.
Finally, as for me, I don't only put in fitness-related stuff to hopefully discourage less active women. I put it there because I'm interested in it and I decided it was important enough in my life to include. I also put in that I'm an avid beer-drinker and go to Oktoberfests and other similar events - both because I genuinely do love that stuff, and because it's a hopefully not-so-subtle hint that if you don't drink at all, there is going to be something important to me that we simply can't share. I get frustrated because sometimes it seems nobody reads my profile, or I have to be so blatant about things that it makes it seem like "no fat chicks" is a hard and fast rule with me (which it isn't - it's that I'm not attracted to women who lead a sedentary lifestyle).
Unfortunately, OKCupid penalizes you if you do that.
Don't worry, I'm not a dick in my responses. Half the women messaging me are asking to hook up anyway, which I can honestly say I'm not interested in.
I'm not ugly. It's just a bad picture
I host a podcast about movies.
I host a podcast about movies.
Forward these to me.
Kidding. I actually just wanted to post to reiterate to any lurkers who are considering this stuff: Give it a shot, and for the love of God use the duck question. I'm pretty sure I have a better than 50% success rate for receiving a response to that one. Doesn't necessarily translate from response ---> actual date, but getting a response is probably the hard part, honestly.