Very complicated Relationship after Friendship Plus

HowToBeSingleHowToBeSingle Registered User regular
I'll post this here again because the "Love" thread in SE++ very much was not the right thread for this discussion;

"So, before I start, whatever mod looks at this, this is a duplicate account (which I know is against the rules, but there are very obvious reasons and as long as I can post this one thing I've already accomplished what I wanted)

Second, I'm not sure if this is the correct thread but it is very much related

On to things

A few months ago I met this lady who, although around 4 1/2 years older than me (both in our twenties) was pretty much who I would describe as my "soulmate". We filled entire pages with our WhatsApp chats and started meeting regularely. We seemed to get along together so well that we had Sex on our second date, which we both enjoyed very much and decided to go with a friendship plus. All was not well all the time as she quickly developed feelings and I had to shoot her down twice (due to getting out of a nightmare of a relationship earlier and feeling the need to enjoy my freedom at the time). This she claims struck her heavily so she felt the need to validate herself.

Because it was only a friendship plus we both were still active on Tinder and other sites; Me not so much really despite maybe a few very short exchanges. Her a lot more with 2-3 very intense and long-going flirts, which I didn't know about.

Around three weeks ago we fought and "broke up" our relationship, for the second time. She said that it's better if we don't talk for a while and that was that, for a week. That's when I decided to contact her because I realized I thought about her constantly; I knew about one guy that she was dating and that she had sex with.

We talked a lot, spent a lot of time together and decided to bury all our flirts from before and begin a relationship. It was hard but I was actually very happy at first!

And now is where shit hits the fan.

My previous relationship kinda made me paranoid, as I found out by checking my girlfriends phone that she was flirting with another guy who very much wanted to nail her and that she was going to meet him, none of which she told me.

Which is why I did exactly this, again. And I found out that she kept from me that she had unprotected sex with the guy I knew about. Trust broken Nr. 1.

We talked and she insisted that she thought if she told me I was gonna break up with her or worse. I still didn't know how to feel about this. She then explicitely told me that she would not withhold anything from me anymore and that now I knew everything.

Until I found out that she slept with another guy during the friendship plus I never knew about. Same talk, my trust was broken even further and I was feeling pretty horrible. Again the "now you know everything" talk.

Until I found another very intense chat of a guy making sexual advances that appearantly had been in her bed and groped her, much to her liking, and she made it very obvious that she was curious about what else was going to happen and wanted him to not be so shy about his sexual thoughts. Once again the talk.

After that I checked her handy chat for chat. One more thing I found out is that appearantly the sex with guy Nr. 1 (the one I knew about) that she described as a total failure was appearantly "brilliant" at least once.

PA, what do. I'm lost. Scared she'll just cheat on me, probably without even telling me. And she'll probably delete whatever evidence there would be of it due to knowing of my paranoia now - also I do not really want to lead a relationship in which I have to check on my partner to be able to trust them..."

And since I saw someone making a timeline themselves, I'll provide one here for clarification:

TIMELINE:

- Start of the year: Checked my then girlfriends Phone, found out she was probably intending to cheat on me (CLARIFICATION: I had suspicions before and asked her if it was okay to see some chats with her being there. She agreed. This was the second time where I did so WITHOUT agreement). Broke up with her
- 5-ish months ago: Meet who I would describe as my soulmate but am too paranoid and want to enjoy my freedom, shoot her down multiple times
- (Side point: She sleeps with Person Nr. 1, AFTER we start our friendship plus, but tells me instead that they have no contact anymore)
- During the friendship plus she continues to explicitely flirt with mutliple guys, lets one of them in her bed and grope her (Person Nr. 2)
- During the third time "breaking up" our friendship plus, she sleeps multiple times with Person Nr. 3, one time unprotected
- (Side note: During all this time I was completely hoenst about anything love life related on my side, she was not)
- Check her handy three times; Every time it goes about this: I find out about Person Nr. X or something she withheld from me, she apologizes, claims that she won't withhold anything anymore; Rinse and repeat two times with Person Nr. 2 and Nr. 3
- I now have no trust anymore


Addendum: I know completely that what I did was wrong; However, ultimately, all my fears were being confirmed.

Posts

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    Exit the relationship calmly and politely, work on your trust issues, and begin another relationship when you feel up to it.

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  • HowToBeSingleHowToBeSingle Registered User regular
    Decomposey wrote: »
    Well first of all stop spying on other peoples phones. That's all kinds of wrong.

    Second of all, when people tell you they think you shouldn't talk for a while, respect that. You thinking about her all the time is not an excuse to disregard her boundaries.

    Third of all STOP SPYING ON HER CHATS. That is the behavior of either an abusive partner or a stalker. Are you an abusive partner or a stalker? I hope the answer is no. So stop acting like one.

    Fourth of all, she had sex with a guy when you were admittedly broken up. Unprotected or not, that is her right, and you don't get to say 'trust broken!' because your EX friend-with-benefits slept with a dude. She was your EX friend-with-benefits when that happened. She should be your EX friend-with-benefits still because:

    Fifth of all, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Realize this and move on.

    I'll reply to this one from the love thread:

    I realize very much I have issues. I really do. I said I thought I was "right" but I never thought I was right about violating her privacy.

    She practically BEGS me not to end the relationship, for which now I feel like the shittiest human being there is... as in that it's actually not even her fault...

  • HowToBeSingleHowToBeSingle Registered User regular
    Another clarification: The reason I was so upset is because I explicitely asked her multiple times if she had something with other guys during our F+ and she denied it.

  • StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    I would say that I believe your relationship with this person to be an incredibly toxic one, for both you and her. I'd recommend getting out now, for your sake and for hers. It might not be easy, but there's been enough damage done here that I don't think it is worth trying to recover (even if that were possible, which I sincerely doubt given the circumstances).

    CambiataXaquinMagic PinktynicSkeithLostNinjaRainfallbuilderr0rOrphaneIrukaNightDragonMulletudeNightslyr
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Xaquin wrote: »
    Exit the relationship calmly and politely, work on your trust issues, and begin another relationship when you feel up to it.

    Is the only advice you should listen to. This is pretty much 100% the best thing you can do and everything else, from the details you are hung up on to the fact you were validated, are problems you need to sort out before you do so.

    Enc on
    Hahnsoo1CambiatachromdomRainfallHeir
  • HowToBeSingleHowToBeSingle Registered User regular
    Does at least anyone see where I'm comming from when she lied to me about her sexual activities afterwards, when we started our relationship?

  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    edited August 2016
    Just to clarify, alt accounts are okay in Help and Advice, specifically for the purposes of anonymity in sensitive situations. Don't worry about that part.

    But yeah, this person is definitely NOT your "soulmate" or whatever. If you don't trust her, being with her is going to be difficult at best. You need to break it off, and work on yourself and your trust issues. I don't mean this in a "you're bad, she's good" or any kind of way like that. You were hurt, and being hurt means that you are going to have to heal. Therapy really helps with this, and if you can't find a good therapist, you should find a good (other) friend to talk to.

    Hahnsoo1 on
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  • tinwhiskerstinwhiskers Registered User regular
    You have trust issues, you need to fix. All the shit she didn't tell you about during the 'friendship plus' or broken up shit, doesn't fuckign matter. You weren't exclusive. It doesn't matter if she slept with 1000 guys, hung like horses, who jack hammered her for hours straight. Should 'full disclosure' mean 'full disclosure' from her, sure ideally. That said, you should stop digging into the past at that point. People do shit that in retrospect they aren't proud of, and they shouldn't have to disclose that to every partner going forward. Don't look for shit you don't want to find.

    More generally; You've broken up, from the low committal state of friendship+, three times in the last 5 months. I mean, if you want to take another swing at it go right ahead, but something tells me it probably won't work out.

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  • HowToBeSingleHowToBeSingle Registered User regular
    You have trust issues, you need to fix. All the shit she didn't tell you about during the 'friendship plus' or broken up shit, doesn't fuckign matter. You weren't exclusive. It doesn't matter if she slept with 1000 guys, hung like horses, who jack hammered her for hours straight. Should 'full disclosure' mean 'full disclosure' from her, sure ideally. That said, you should stop digging into the past at that point. People do shit that in retrospect they aren't proud of, and they shouldn't have to disclose that to every partner going forward. Don't look for shit you don't want to find.

    More generally; You've broken up, from the low committal state of friendship+, three times in the last 5 months. I mean, if you want to take another swing at it go right ahead, but something tells me it probably won't work out.

    We've broken up because she was looking for something serious and I was not, but we could never stay away from each other.

  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion The Land of Flowers (and Dragons)Registered User regular
    Does at least anyone see where I'm comming from when she lied to me about her sexual activities afterwards, when we started our relationship?

    Sure, being cheated on sucks. It's happened to most of us in life.

    This is the part where you move on and stop being fixated on being wronged.

    HowToBeSingleCambiatadurandal4532So It GoesIncenjucarKirindal
  • Magic PinkMagic Pink Tur-Boner-Fed Registered User regular
    You have trust issues, you need to fix. All the shit she didn't tell you about during the 'friendship plus' or broken up shit, doesn't fuckign matter. You weren't exclusive. It doesn't matter if she slept with 1000 guys, hung like horses, who jack hammered her for hours straight. Should 'full disclosure' mean 'full disclosure' from her, sure ideally. That said, you should stop digging into the past at that point. People do shit that in retrospect they aren't proud of, and they shouldn't have to disclose that to every partner going forward. Don't look for shit you don't want to find.

    More generally; You've broken up, from the low committal state of friendship+, three times in the last 5 months. I mean, if you want to take another swing at it go right ahead, but something tells me it probably won't work out.

    We've broken up because she was looking for something serious and I was not, but we could never stay away from each other.

    You've still broken up repeatedly, broke into her privacy and demanded history from her you really weren't entitled to.

    I never say never but the chance you can work this out are very slim. It's been said repeatedly but you (like a lot of people) have some serious trust issues you need to work on before you should try another relationship. Being simply aware of them is a pretty great first step.

    BloodySlothStraightzitynicRainfallSo It GoesGnizmoAegeriKirindal
  • TNTrooperTNTrooper Registered User regular
    She is not your girlfriend. She never cheated on you because you turned down her offers to be in an exclusive relationship. The only thing she owed you was having safe sex with her other partners and any conversations she had with them are none of your business.

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  • StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    You have trust issues, you need to fix. All the shit she didn't tell you about during the 'friendship plus' or broken up shit, doesn't fuckign matter. You weren't exclusive. It doesn't matter if she slept with 1000 guys, hung like horses, who jack hammered her for hours straight. Should 'full disclosure' mean 'full disclosure' from her, sure ideally. That said, you should stop digging into the past at that point. People do shit that in retrospect they aren't proud of, and they shouldn't have to disclose that to every partner going forward. Don't look for shit you don't want to find.

    More generally; You've broken up, from the low committal state of friendship+, three times in the last 5 months. I mean, if you want to take another swing at it go right ahead, but something tells me it probably won't work out.

    We've broken up because she was looking for something serious and I was not, but we could never stay away from each other.

    From the sounds of things, you were looking for something serious as well.

    Like, you have put an enormous amount of energy into controlling this person's life, despite allegedly just wanting to be friends. You want to control her sex life, or at very least have her tell you everything that happens in said sex life. You regularly check her text messages. You clearly want to be a significant part of her life.

    Whether you realize it or not, you are trying to control this person's life. I would argue in an unhealthy way, on top of that, but even if we don't take that into account, it feels like you want a serious relationship yourself.

    tynicHowToBeSinglekimeSo It GoesGnizmoDrezMagic PinkCambiata
  • HowToBeSingleHowToBeSingle Registered User regular
    TNTrooper wrote: »
    She is not your girlfriend. She never cheated on you because you turned down her offers to be in an exclusive relationship. The only thing she owed you was having safe sex with her other partners and any conversations she had with them are none of your business.

    I guess you're right.
    Straightzi wrote: »
    You have trust issues, you need to fix. All the shit she didn't tell you about during the 'friendship plus' or broken up shit, doesn't fuckign matter. You weren't exclusive. It doesn't matter if she slept with 1000 guys, hung like horses, who jack hammered her for hours straight. Should 'full disclosure' mean 'full disclosure' from her, sure ideally. That said, you should stop digging into the past at that point. People do shit that in retrospect they aren't proud of, and they shouldn't have to disclose that to every partner going forward. Don't look for shit you don't want to find.

    More generally; You've broken up, from the low committal state of friendship+, three times in the last 5 months. I mean, if you want to take another swing at it go right ahead, but something tells me it probably won't work out.

    We've broken up because she was looking for something serious and I was not, but we could never stay away from each other.

    From the sounds of things, you were looking for something serious as well.

    Like, you have put an enormous amount of energy into controlling this person's life, despite allegedly just wanting to be friends. You want to control her sex life, or at very least have her tell you everything that happens in said sex life. You regularly check her text messages. You clearly want to be a significant part of her life.

    Whether you realize it or not, you are trying to control this person's life. I would argue in an unhealthy way, on top of that, but even if we don't take that into account, it feels like you want a serious relationship yourself.

    It's true, and that's why in the end we did decide on the relationship.




    I don't know what to do. I really want this to work and so does she, and I've talked about everything with her again and that I realize my mistakes; She thinks that it can happen during the beginning of a relationship that there are truest issues and that it has to grow over time, and she even says it'd be ok if I asked to look at her phone every now and then which I do NOT want to be a thing which I told her. A relationship can't work like this.

    But I just am so happy with her and she with me. Fuck.

  • StraightziStraightzi Here we may reign secure, and in my choice, To reign is worth ambition though in HellRegistered User regular
    You're happy being in a relationship that makes you paranoid, where you're constantly second guessing your partner?

    Like, chase your bliss man, but you do not sound happy to me.

    Cambiata
  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud my moons are good moons Registered User regular
    It is not normal behavior to check your significant others phone or to surveil them. It sounds like you need to work on your own issues and find healthy ways to date and be fulfilled.

    So It GoesHahnsoo1GnizmoNightDragonTOGSolidKarlMagic PinkCambiataAegeri
  • HowToBeSingleHowToBeSingle Registered User regular
    I know I have trust issues and need to work on them

  • DecomposeyDecomposey Registered User regular
    edited August 2016
    I know I have trust issues and need to work on them

    Then do that. But not in a relationship, as that would not be fair to her at all. If you really do care for her you have to let her go. Then spend a few years working on yourself and resolving your trust issues. After that, you will be ready to engage in a romantic relationship, whether serious or casual.

    Decomposey on
    Before following any advice, opinions, or thoughts I may have expressed in the above post, be warned: I found Keven Costners "Waterworld" to be a very entertaining film.
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  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    Do not check her phone, ever. She should not be offering it up in the first place. You should not be looking at it even if she does offer it.

    You need to be able to take someone at their word. Especially if you are in a relationship with them. If you can't do that, and the only way you can be in a relationship with them is to have random audits of their phones, the you are no longer their partner - you are their insurance adjuster. That's not a relationship.

    HowToBeSingleStraightziPsykomaRainfallUsagiSo It GoesHahnsoo1IncenjucarDaenrisNightDragonMulletudeMagic Pinkam0nCambiataAegeri
  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    Looking through someone's private stuff is the last leg of a relationship going to shit.
    You will almost always find something that could look bad... but more importantly it means you feel so strongly that you can't trust them that you need to violate their privacy to find proof and/or justify yourself.

    Even if you find nothing, things are still broken.

    In this case, she owes you nothing aside from getting tested to make sure her unprotected sex isn't going to pass anything along to you.
    That's it, end of story.

    As to what you should do now?
    Can you honestly avoid thinking about this? Can you avoid it being an issue?
    Can she get over you looking through her stuff and digging into stuff that legitimately wasn't an issue?

    There's a good chance there's more stuff in her past you may not like, can you deal with that? Can you mark it off as "none of my damned business" and move on?

    Even if you think all of the above can go your way, there's still a very good chance it won't. You might be too fresh out of being hurt, you may be too far into issues in this one for it to end any way other than badly.

    I'd recommend being single for awhile longer to get over all the crap you have jumbled in your head, but ultimately I'm not you.

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  • ArtereisArtereis Registered User regular
    Sit back and be truly honest with yourself on how you react to things. Your own actions aside, and knowing that you've already felt the need to go digging, are you going to truly let yourself trust her? Sure, you can say you forgive her, but deep down, how much is it really going to take to feel the need to go digging again? What you discovered each time justified your actions to yourself, so I'd wager there's a voice in there somewhere that's saying it was worth it.

    Get out, for both your sakes, and then work on your issues.

  • GnizmoGnizmo Registered User regular
    TNTrooper wrote: »
    She is not your girlfriend. She never cheated on you because you turned down her offers to be in an exclusive relationship. The only thing she owed you was having safe sex with her other partners and any conversations she had with them are none of your business.

    I guess you're right.
    Straightzi wrote: »
    You have trust issues, you need to fix. All the shit she didn't tell you about during the 'friendship plus' or broken up shit, doesn't fuckign matter. You weren't exclusive. It doesn't matter if she slept with 1000 guys, hung like horses, who jack hammered her for hours straight. Should 'full disclosure' mean 'full disclosure' from her, sure ideally. That said, you should stop digging into the past at that point. People do shit that in retrospect they aren't proud of, and they shouldn't have to disclose that to every partner going forward. Don't look for shit you don't want to find.

    More generally; You've broken up, from the low committal state of friendship+, three times in the last 5 months. I mean, if you want to take another swing at it go right ahead, but something tells me it probably won't work out.

    We've broken up because she was looking for something serious and I was not, but we could never stay away from each other.

    From the sounds of things, you were looking for something serious as well.

    Like, you have put an enormous amount of energy into controlling this person's life, despite allegedly just wanting to be friends. You want to control her sex life, or at very least have her tell you everything that happens in said sex life. You regularly check her text messages. You clearly want to be a significant part of her life.

    Whether you realize it or not, you are trying to control this person's life. I would argue in an unhealthy way, on top of that, but even if we don't take that into account, it feels like you want a serious relationship yourself.

    It's true, and that's why in the end we did decide on the relationship.




    I don't know what to do. I really want this to work and so does she, and I've talked about everything with her again and that I realize my mistakes; She thinks that it can happen during the beginning of a relationship that there are truest issues and that it has to grow over time, and she even says it'd be ok if I asked to look at her phone every now and then which I do NOT want to be a thing which I told her. A relationship can't work like this.

    But I just am so happy with her and she with me. Fuck.

    Relationships are all about building trust yes. She has a solid point there. You can't build on a foundation of sand though. You are demonstrating a pattern of behavior that shows you are incapable of trusting her. You are looking at the flimsiest excuses to try and justify it, but in the end it's because you are incapable or unwilling to take her at her word on almost any subject.

    Take as an example her recounting the quality of sex with one of her ex partners. Very few people are going to be fully honest and truthful and that is because, as you demonstrated, the human ego is a bit too fragile to handle the fact that maybe our partners in the most intimate act imaginable might prefer someone else for pure mechanics. Put another way, if you date enough it becomes incredible unlikely that the person you think fucks the best will also be the best for you. Asking for that level of disclosure is asking for constant fights over stupid shit which can only hurt a relationship in the end.

    You have the best advice. Walk away. It doesn't sound like you can give her what she wants. Barring that you can try to prove us all wrong. Stranger things have certainly happened. I would recommend couples and/or individual therapy though. The relationship is early enough that it might work but I will say that by the time the fighting is abdaily occurance often the damage is done. I don't know your ratio of good to bad times, but just keep that fact in mind.

    am0n
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    I really want this to work and so does she

    It's not going to work.

    You may want it to work, but from your description it sounds like the relationship is poisoned and damaged beyond repair. I'm no psychic, so I may be wrong, but the foundation of this relationship seems broken and, in my opinion, trying to glue it back together is just delaying the inevitable. I mean, look at what you came here for. One aspect of this thread is that you want (or wanted) validation in whether or not you had a right to feel cheated on. Does this sound like the foundation of a healthy relationship?

    It's broken, gone, kaput. You both can certainly have a relationship anyway but it's not going to be a happy, healthy one based on trust and respect. Sorry if that's harsh but it is what it is.

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  • KarlKarl Registered User regular
    Drez wrote: »
    I really want this to work and so does she

    It's not going to work.

    You may want it to work, but from your description it sounds like the relationship is poisoned and damaged beyond repair. I'm no psychic, so I may be wrong, but the foundation of this relationship seems broken and, in my opinion, trying to glue it back together is just delaying the inevitable. I mean, look at what you came here for. One aspect of this thread is that you want (or wanted) validation in whether or not you had a right to feel cheated on. Does this sound like the foundation of a healthy relationship?

    It's broken, gone, kaput. You both can certainly have a relationship anyway but it's not going to be a happy, healthy one based on trust and respect. Sorry if that's harsh but it is what it is.

    I was going to write something up but this is a far better way of saying it.

    The OP and this girl just need to walk away.

    Neither of them are ready to be in relationship.

    YOU'RE ALL BABIES.
    SO MUCH POTENTIAL TO WASTE.
    Koshian wrote: »
    JOKE'S ON YOU
    MY POTENTIAL IS ALREADY WASTED
  • LibrarianLibrarian The face of liberal fascism Registered User regular
    I'm going to go against the grain here, because people on this forum are a bit break up happy when it comes to H&A relationship questions.
    Noone here knows you and much less her.

    YES, ideally you should be at a more confident or trusting or whatever point in your life before entering a relationship. But how does that work out for anyone? It's not really a rational decision to want to be with someone and you can work at fixing or improving yourself for ages without ever feeling truly ready.
    BUT if you turn away from this now this might end up being the big "what if" of your life and might haunt you 10 or 20 years down the road. Maybe not, but you never know. You really sound like you want to be with her. I was in a not similar but roughly comparable situation a few years ago and I made the rational choice and I still regret it sometimes during those long dark nights.

    Generally speaking, I would not want to trust strangers on the internet when it comes to relationships, that does of course include my opinion.

    You seem to be aware of your flaws, try to get therapy if you feel you need it and be open and honest with her. All the fucking around happened before you entered into a relationship, did I understand that correctly?

    Brad R. Torgersen says:

    Librarian,

    Go read what I said about not arguing with third graders.
  • KarlKarl Registered User regular
    Librarian wrote: »
    I'm going to go against the grain here, because people on this forum are a bit break up happy when it comes to H&A relationship questions.
    Noone here knows you and much less her.

    YES, ideally you should be at a more confident or trusting or whatever point in your life before entering a relationship. But how does that work out for anyone? It's not really a rational decision to want to be with someone and you can work at fixing or improving yourself for ages without ever feeling truly ready.
    BUT if you turn away from this now this might end up being the big "what if" of your life and might haunt you 10 or 20 years down the road. Maybe not, but you never know. You really sound like you want to be with her. I was in a not similar but roughly comparable situation a few years ago and I made the rational choice and I still regret it sometimes during those long dark nights.

    Generally speaking, I would not want to trust strangers on the internet when it comes to relationships, that does of course include my opinion.

    You seem to be aware of your flaws, try to get therapy if you feel you need it and be open and honest with her. All the fucking around happened before you entered into a relationship, did I understand that correctly?

    We're not break up happy

    We can look at this from an unbiased external point of view and give impartial advice.

    You're right. We don't know either the OP or the girl. And we're all telling him the same thing.

    "Maybe he'll get his shit together" and "maybe he'll regret this later" are not a valid reason to pursue this.

    It's short sighted

    YOU'RE ALL BABIES.
    SO MUCH POTENTIAL TO WASTE.
    Koshian wrote: »
    JOKE'S ON YOU
    MY POTENTIAL IS ALREADY WASTED
    am0nCambiataMagic PinkTOGSolidAegeriUsagi
  • LibrarianLibrarian The face of liberal fascism Registered User regular
    He really wants to be with her and she really wants to be with him. That seems like a valid reason. And you rarely enter these things with a long-term plan that will work as intended.

    Brad R. Torgersen says:

    Librarian,

    Go read what I said about not arguing with third graders.
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    Librarian wrote: »
    He really wants to be with her and she really wants to be with him. That seems like a valid reason. And you rarely enter these things with a long-term plan that will work as intended.

    They don't seem to be acting like it.

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  • EclecticGrooveEclecticGroove Registered User regular
    Librarian wrote: »
    He really wants to be with her and she really wants to be with him. That seems like a valid reason. And you rarely enter these things with a long-term plan that will work as intended.

    More than that is needed. He's got to be able to be honest with himself and realistically be able to decide if he's going to:
    1. Keep feeling the need to go through her stuff to make sure.
    2. Be able to accept and deal with the stuff he's already found.
    3. Ensure she isn't going to have any lasting feelings of resentment about how he's acted up to this point.
    4. Be able to accept that there may be other things that come up in the future that happened before they were together.

    No matter how much they want to be together, that stuff right there is going to drop a big steaming pile onto the relationship. And that's just the stuff about how he's been acting. That's not talking about any other issues they may have with each other, none of the other common pressure points of a relationship, etc.

    It absolutely might work. But this isn't like a 10 year relationship hitting a rough patch. There's no kids involved, no deeply entwined social circles, no shared finances, etc.
    This is pretty damn easy to walk away from.
    If they really want to make this work... it can, sure. But will it? That's another matter entirely... and a lot of it is going to hinge on the OP making sure he can deal with how he feels in a healthier way than rooting through his girlfriends phone for something to feel betrayed over.

    am0n
  • am0nam0n Registered User regular
    If you feel you need to keep checking her phone (or whatever device) to prove she isn't cheating or lying, you are probably not in the right relationship. As others have said, you need to get out of it and focus on yourself for a while. And I don't mean more casual friends; I mean figure out your trust issues so that both you and the next person you are with can be happier and healthier.

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  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    Librarian wrote: »
    He really wants to be with her and she really wants to be with him. That seems like a valid reason. And you rarely enter these things with a long-term plan that will work as intended.

    Uh... there are "plans that don't work", and then there is "this relationship is seriously unhealthy." A plan that doesn't work looks something like this: "We intended to be married in a couple of years, but I lost my job so we're putting that off until I have a stable job situation." An unhealthy relationship looks like, "I check her phone for infidelity."

    "Really wanting to be together" only works if there's some solid action behind it. Actions like trusting in one another's privacy, retaining honesty between both parties, making agreed-upon relationship boundaries that both parties hold up. If you're not able to have those absolute relationship bare-basics, then no, "wanting to be together" is a big fat nothing. And hey, maybe that means that as a person you just need to not be in a relationship for a while as you go to therapy and learn how to be a healthy person. If they are genuinely "meant to be", then after they've both grown up a bit, they'll end up as a couple again. I

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  • MulletudeMulletude Registered User regular
    Checking your partners phone/any invasion of privacy is abusive behavior.

    It's not as harmless as you may think, op.

    You would be doing her a favor by moving on and yourself by working on your issues.

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  • Magic PinkMagic Pink Tur-Boner-Fed Registered User regular
    Librarian wrote: »
    He really wants to be with her and she really wants to be with him. That seems like a valid reason. And you rarely enter these things with a long-term plan that will work as intended.

    Initial obsession is not something to base a relationship off of.

    CambiataTOGSolidGnizmodispatch.oAegeriRainfallDrez
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