Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i guess the definition is kind of fluid. some people say like, anything that, if your partner knew about it, would make them uncomfortable. but some people are incredibly sensitive and jealous and would regard any conversation in private with the opposite sex as inappropriate. i think that's kind of silly. something i heard that i thought was a pretty reasonable definition is if your behavior with another person draws away from your behavior with your partner. so like, if you don't feel sexy- you think your partner doesn't communicate desire to you or whatever- so you get that effect from someone else, by flirting.
i guess that doesn't exactly gel with polyamory but for monogamous relationships it seems p close to me. if you're not contributing all the thoughts and actions you would in a happy relationship because you're siphoning off some of that validation or closeness or whatever to another person, that seems p bad.
i think trying to define cheating so empirically isn't really going to work as it really depends on the sort of implied relationship agreement between two (or more) individuals
right, like i said it's very fluid. all anyone can attempt to do is make a best-fit guess at it for most people.
A thing I've tried to move towards in my thirties is adjusting my vocabulary such that any harsh criticisms (including insults) I levy towards a person are about things they can
1. Control
2. Change
So things I try to avoid include insults based on gender, race, weight, mental faculty, mental health, neuro-atypicality, sexual orientation or proclivities, wealth, social life or social standing, etc.
You might think this becomes some kind of incredible minefield that leaves no daylight in which to really say something negative or harshly critical to anyone, but not really!
An example I explained above, grognard, I think is perfectly acceptable to slam someone for if that is applicable and exactly what they're doing, because being a grognard is a choice. It's a behavior, an outlook and conclusion a person has chosen to come to, and they could stop fuckin' doin' that at any time with sufficient introspection and willingness to change. You're giving them shit for their shitty attitude. Not that calling them a grognard is generally likely to make them open to doing so, but then there's the whole "purpose of an argument" thing where you have to question why you are giving someone shit or arguing with them, and "changing their mind" isn't always your priority.
I mean, there's a consistent worldview in which everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and if someone's an asshole then that's not a particularly problematic thing to call them but compassion would have us consider their life experiences and insecurities and whatever else goes into making someone an asshole.
Which leads to the magic in the Glorious Edict; it's always, always at least a little shitty to say to someone "You are a dipshit" or whatever. That's a direct, personal insult and a statement about a person's State of Being. To say "You're being a dipshit" introduces an amount of space which helpfully escapes a lot of these problems.
neckbeard as it's used nowadays seems to rarely actually describe someone's physical appearance. i used to hear it to describe an actual neckbeard and or a formal hat and or being fat and liking nerdy stuff. but nowadays i always take it as a judgment of the person's views and behaviors and stuff./
in general, a person does have to exercise a series of judgment calls on which of their friends, loved ones, family members etc. they choose to confide into emotionally not just in terms of trust
in terms of that person's capability to not only directly empathize with your situation, but also in terms of that person's positive or negative experiences (or lack thereof) with whatever your situation is causing some kind of resentment or other serious misalignment of how they perceive you and your relationship with them
to some extent, this can be a "don't moan about your privileged problems to people who have it shittier than you, you insensitive prat"
but it can also go the other way, divulging to someone you trust about an issue you're grappling with that is completely outside their spectrum of experience in a way they find foreign, upsetting, un-envious, and not something they understand how to comfort someone over because they don't think like... that should be something that happens to a person they are friends with
it can actually be remarkably alienating to have a lot of really close friends who trust you with a lot of their intimate details and secrets and come to you for emotional support, and you can't really lean on them the same way because the problems you are facing are not only outside their experience, but could actually damage your friendship if you tried to explain
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amateurhourOne day I'll be professionalhourThe woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered Userregular
I think suggesting that "neckbeard" attacks people with autism is pretty fraught, actually. That's really blurring the boundary between "condemning antisocial or maladjusted behaviour" and "condemning non-neurotypical behaviour."
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i dont even know what this means without context
but generally i would say that if you are physically and emotionally intimate, compartmentalizing a certain aspect of your life from your partner is emotional cheating by way of omission
but everyone, or almost everyone, does this to a degree
100% honesty all the time sounds like a disaster if you're with someone for a long time
I don't lie about things but there are many things I will not mention unless my partner directly asks about it (unless it's something like, I suddenly racked up credit card debt, have a drug addiction or cheated that stuff comes out)
Idk I feel like compartmentalizing is vital in many cases
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DemonStaceyTTODewback's DaughterIn love with the TaySwayRegistered Userregular
It must be interesting to be in a relationship with one of those people who can't ever turn off the flirtyness.
Got to have some confidence and trust to be able to handle seeing your SO constantly on like that.
I think the most important part is that there's no level that could be considered deceit.
Like as long as you have that same level of flirtyness while you are around your significant other and don't try to act different or hide it things tend to go better.
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OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i guess the definition is kind of fluid. some people say like, anything that, if your partner knew about it, would make them uncomfortable. but some people are incredibly sensitive and jealous and would regard any conversation in private with the opposite sex as inappropriate. i think that's kind of silly. something i heard that i thought was a pretty reasonable definition is if your behavior with another person draws away from your behavior with your partner. so like, if you don't feel sexy- you think your partner doesn't communicate desire to you or whatever- so you get that effect from someone else, by flirting.
i guess that doesn't exactly gel with polyamory but for monogamous relationships it seems p close to me. if you're not contributing all the thoughts and actions you would in a happy relationship because you're siphoning off some of that validation or closeness or whatever to another person, that seems p bad.
i think trying to define cheating so empirically isn't really going to work as it really depends on the sort of implied relationship agreement between two (or more) individuals
right, like i said it's very fluid. all anyone can attempt to do is make a best-fit guess at it for most people.
I disagree utterly. It's not fluid - here's Scalzi on this issue, and he is correct:
Scenario: You’ve just done something physically and/or emotionally intimate with another consenting adult human being who is not your spouse/partner.
So, gonna tell your partner?
a) Yes.
b) Any other response.
If the answer is “b,” then there’s a really excellent chance you’re cheating.
+2
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TL DRNot at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered Userregular
I am probably the first person to ever be really excited to have a bicep tear. Was convinced it was my rotator cuff, but nope, just a basic bicep tear that'll probably be fine in two months or less. Success!
I put the cats in the computer room with me when the cleaners come to the house. Today I picked up our small cat and when I got in the computer room noticed he was peeing all over me, some dripping on the floor.
So, try to wipe off his tail that he soaked, take off my clothes put them in washer, clean up all the drips, lock him in the room with me and the other cat.
The other cat doesn't like being in here and meows and meows as he usually does. I look over and he has just pissed on the wall/baseboard. Soak those in nature's miracle, curse everything.
Cats plz.
+5
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ChanusHarbinger of the Spicy Rooster ApocalypseThe Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered Userregular
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i guess the definition is kind of fluid. some people say like, anything that, if your partner knew about it, would make them uncomfortable. but some people are incredibly sensitive and jealous and would regard any conversation in private with the opposite sex as inappropriate. i think that's kind of silly. something i heard that i thought was a pretty reasonable definition is if your behavior with another person draws away from your behavior with your partner. so like, if you don't feel sexy- you think your partner doesn't communicate desire to you or whatever- so you get that effect from someone else, by flirting.
i guess that doesn't exactly gel with polyamory but for monogamous relationships it seems p close to me. if you're not contributing all the thoughts and actions you would in a happy relationship because you're siphoning off some of that validation or closeness or whatever to another person, that seems p bad.
i think trying to define cheating so empirically isn't really going to work as it really depends on the sort of implied relationship agreement between two (or more) individuals
right, like i said it's very fluid. all anyone can attempt to do is make a best-fit guess at it for most people.
I disagree utterly. It's not fluid - here's Scalzi on this issue, and he is correct:
Scenario: You’ve just done something physically and/or emotionally intimate with another consenting adult human being who is not your spouse/partner.
So, gonna tell your partner?
a) Yes.
b) Any other response.
If the answer is “b,” then there’s a really excellent chance you’re cheating.
could be a and you were still cheating though
or b and you weren't
or you and your partner could not 100% agree on what counts as physically or emotionally intimate
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i dont even know what this means without context
but generally i would say that if you are physically and emotionally intimate, compartmentalizing a certain aspect of your life from your partner is emotional cheating by way of omission
but everyone, or almost everyone, does this to a degree
100% honesty all the time sounds like a disaster if you're with someone for a long time
I don't lie about things but there are many things I will not mention unless my partner directly asks about it (unless it's something like, I suddenly racked up credit card debt, have a drug addiction or cheated that stuff comes out)
Idk I feel like compartmentalizing is vital in many cases
I disagree and don't operate my relationship like that.
There are plenty of times when I just don't mention something because it's inconsequential or irrelevant, but if I ever feel like I probably shouldn't tell Belasco something, I immediately go and tell her.
in general, a person does have to exercise a series of judgment calls on which of their friends, loved ones, family members etc. they choose to confide into emotionally not just in terms of trust
in terms of that person's capability to not only directly empathize with your situation, but also in terms of that person's positive or negative experiences (or lack thereof) with whatever your situation is causing some kind of resentment or other serious misalignment of how they perceive you and your relationship with them
to some extent, this can be a "don't moan about your privileged problems to people who have it shittier than you, you insensitive prat"
but it can also go the other way, divulging to someone you trust about an issue you're grappling with that is completely outside their spectrum of experience in a way they find foreign, upsetting, un-envious, and not something they understand how to comfort someone over because they don't think like... that should be something that happens to a person they are friends with
it can actually be remarkably alienating to have a lot of really close friends who trust you with a lot of their intimate details and secrets and come to you for emotional support, and you can't really lean on them the same way because the problems you are facing are not only outside their experience, but could actually damage your friendship if you tried to explain
i have had periods of oversharing and not-sharing-at-all but generally speaking i talk about my problems and worries a lot. in spats, i cut down on it on the forums because i don't want to stew in it too publicly. i also don't want to clog up what are otherwise fairly lighthearted venues.
but throughout, whether or not i successfully limit my public grousing, i do talk to my friends about it through gchat or whatever. and i know they are my friends and will accept it, if i can't make myself stop vomiting my existential horror. but i very much feel like an imposition and yes, i very much feel weird because many of those problems are completely alien to the person. stuff about class or mental illness or several other things that are like, i appreciate you listening. i know you don't really understand, which isn't your fault but i regret this gap between us and yet i can't stop. aloneness is v scary.
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i guess the definition is kind of fluid. some people say like, anything that, if your partner knew about it, would make them uncomfortable. but some people are incredibly sensitive and jealous and would regard any conversation in private with the opposite sex as inappropriate. i think that's kind of silly. something i heard that i thought was a pretty reasonable definition is if your behavior with another person draws away from your behavior with your partner. so like, if you don't feel sexy- you think your partner doesn't communicate desire to you or whatever- so you get that effect from someone else, by flirting.
i guess that doesn't exactly gel with polyamory but for monogamous relationships it seems p close to me. if you're not contributing all the thoughts and actions you would in a happy relationship because you're siphoning off some of that validation or closeness or whatever to another person, that seems p bad.
i think trying to define cheating so empirically isn't really going to work as it really depends on the sort of implied relationship agreement between two (or more) individuals
right, like i said it's very fluid. all anyone can attempt to do is make a best-fit guess at it for most people.
I disagree utterly. It's not fluid - here's Scalzi on this issue, and he is correct:
Scenario: You’ve just done something physically and/or emotionally intimate with another consenting adult human being who is not your spouse/partner.
So, gonna tell your partner?
a) Yes.
b) Any other response.
If the answer is “b,” then there’s a really excellent chance you’re cheating.
could be a and you were still cheating though
or b and you weren't
or you and your partner could not 100% agree on what counts as physically or emotionally intimate
it's fraught with peril!
he goes on:
Cheating is allowing another person into a level of intimacy your partner expects to be theirs alone. That level of intimacy is not uniform from person to person. There is no guarantee that your partner’s expected level of intimacy will be entirely congenial to you; in that respect what qualifies as “cheating” is not up to you.
Most people get that. Most people also don’t want to hurt their partner and/or don’t want to get caught doing something they know their partner will consider cheating. Which is why any other response than an unqualified “yes” to telling your partner about an intimate encounter with another consenting adult human being is a good first indicator you’ve just done yourself some cheating.
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i guess the definition is kind of fluid. some people say like, anything that, if your partner knew about it, would make them uncomfortable. but some people are incredibly sensitive and jealous and would regard any conversation in private with the opposite sex as inappropriate. i think that's kind of silly. something i heard that i thought was a pretty reasonable definition is if your behavior with another person draws away from your behavior with your partner. so like, if you don't feel sexy- you think your partner doesn't communicate desire to you or whatever- so you get that effect from someone else, by flirting.
i guess that doesn't exactly gel with polyamory but for monogamous relationships it seems p close to me. if you're not contributing all the thoughts and actions you would in a happy relationship because you're siphoning off some of that validation or closeness or whatever to another person, that seems p bad.
i think trying to define cheating so empirically isn't really going to work as it really depends on the sort of implied relationship agreement between two (or more) individuals
right, like i said it's very fluid. all anyone can attempt to do is make a best-fit guess at it for most people.
I disagree utterly. It's not fluid - here's Scalzi on this issue, and he is correct:
Scenario: You’ve just done something physically and/or emotionally intimate with another consenting adult human being who is not your spouse/partner.
So, gonna tell your partner?
a) Yes.
b) Any other response.
If the answer is “b,” then there’s a really excellent chance you’re cheating.
could be a and you were still cheating though
or b and you weren't
or you and your partner could not 100% agree on what counts as physically or emotionally intimate
it's fraught with peril!
If it's cheating to your partner then it is cheating.(assuming you knew)
If you can't come to a consensus on that then that's not a working relationship.
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i dont even know what this means without context
but generally i would say that if you are physically and emotionally intimate, compartmentalizing a certain aspect of your life from your partner is emotional cheating by way of omission
but everyone, or almost everyone, does this to a degree
100% honesty all the time sounds like a disaster if you're with someone for a long time
I don't lie about things but there are many things I will not mention unless my partner directly asks about it (unless it's something like, I suddenly racked up credit card debt, have a drug addiction or cheated that stuff comes out)
Idk I feel like compartmentalizing is vital in many cases
There are white lies and there are Lies, I suppose. I didn't tell my wife how much I spent on her Christmas present because I know she'll freak out, but we have the disposable income for it and I love her and I want to buy her nice things. It's technically a lie, but coming from a good place and doesn't cause any real harm.
However, if I had gone deeply in to debt to purchase her the gift it would be something completely different.
That's why I said the bit about "i dont even know what this means without context" originally. I think context is important but as a general rule lying (or emotionally cheating, or whatever) is bad.
+1
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amateurhourOne day I'll be professionalhourThe woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered Userregular
Yeah I've had one or two times in marriage where I've kept something from my wife and she's found out and man it was like "welp time to sign some divorce paperwork"
are YOU on the beer list?
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ChanusHarbinger of the Spicy Rooster ApocalypseThe Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered Userregular
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i guess the definition is kind of fluid. some people say like, anything that, if your partner knew about it, would make them uncomfortable. but some people are incredibly sensitive and jealous and would regard any conversation in private with the opposite sex as inappropriate. i think that's kind of silly. something i heard that i thought was a pretty reasonable definition is if your behavior with another person draws away from your behavior with your partner. so like, if you don't feel sexy- you think your partner doesn't communicate desire to you or whatever- so you get that effect from someone else, by flirting.
i guess that doesn't exactly gel with polyamory but for monogamous relationships it seems p close to me. if you're not contributing all the thoughts and actions you would in a happy relationship because you're siphoning off some of that validation or closeness or whatever to another person, that seems p bad.
i think trying to define cheating so empirically isn't really going to work as it really depends on the sort of implied relationship agreement between two (or more) individuals
right, like i said it's very fluid. all anyone can attempt to do is make a best-fit guess at it for most people.
I disagree utterly. It's not fluid - here's Scalzi on this issue, and he is correct:
Scenario: You’ve just done something physically and/or emotionally intimate with another consenting adult human being who is not your spouse/partner.
So, gonna tell your partner?
a) Yes.
b) Any other response.
If the answer is “b,” then there’s a really excellent chance you’re cheating.
could be a and you were still cheating though
or b and you weren't
or you and your partner could not 100% agree on what counts as physically or emotionally intimate
it's fraught with peril!
he goes on:
Cheating is allowing another person into a level of intimacy your partner expects to be theirs alone. That level of intimacy is not uniform from person to person. There is no guarantee that your partner’s expected level of intimacy will be entirely congenial to you; in that respect what qualifies as “cheating” is not up to you.
Most people get that. Most people also don’t want to hurt their partner and/or don’t want to get caught doing something they know their partner will consider cheating. Which is why any other response than an unqualified “yes” to telling your partner about an intimate encounter with another consenting adult human being is a good first indicator you’ve just done yourself some cheating.
Is their a difference between emotional cheating and your partner having a complicated part of their emotional life that's separate from you?
i guess the definition is kind of fluid. some people say like, anything that, if your partner knew about it, would make them uncomfortable. but some people are incredibly sensitive and jealous and would regard any conversation in private with the opposite sex as inappropriate. i think that's kind of silly. something i heard that i thought was a pretty reasonable definition is if your behavior with another person draws away from your behavior with your partner. so like, if you don't feel sexy- you think your partner doesn't communicate desire to you or whatever- so you get that effect from someone else, by flirting.
i guess that doesn't exactly gel with polyamory but for monogamous relationships it seems p close to me. if you're not contributing all the thoughts and actions you would in a happy relationship because you're siphoning off some of that validation or closeness or whatever to another person, that seems p bad.
i think trying to define cheating so empirically isn't really going to work as it really depends on the sort of implied relationship agreement between two (or more) individuals
right, like i said it's very fluid. all anyone can attempt to do is make a best-fit guess at it for most people.
I disagree utterly. It's not fluid - here's Scalzi on this issue, and he is correct:
Scenario: You’ve just done something physically and/or emotionally intimate with another consenting adult human being who is not your spouse/partner.
So, gonna tell your partner?
a) Yes.
b) Any other response.
If the answer is “b,” then there’s a really excellent chance you’re cheating.
could be a and you were still cheating though
or b and you weren't
or you and your partner could not 100% agree on what counts as physically or emotionally intimate
it's fraught with peril!
If it's cheating to your partner then it is cheating.(assuming you knew)
If you can't come to a consensus on that then that's not a working relationship.
true but like
that it is fluid is why there will not necessarily always be consensus?
Allegedly a voice of reason.
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ShivahnUnaware of her barrel shifter privilegeWestern coastal temptressRegistered User, Moderatormod
Posts
you dont have to be in a relationship to smang
i am a known rapscallion
Got to have some confidence and trust to be able to handle seeing your SO constantly on like that.
right, like i said it's very fluid. all anyone can attempt to do is make a best-fit guess at it for most people.
yeah i can't think of any game of rimworld where you could get your shit together enough to actually cause problems for other people
that's not even how the game works
I mean, there's a consistent worldview in which everyone is doing the best they can with what they have and if someone's an asshole then that's not a particularly problematic thing to call them but compassion would have us consider their life experiences and insecurities and whatever else goes into making someone an asshole.
Which leads to the magic in the Glorious Edict; it's always, always at least a little shitty to say to someone "You are a dipshit" or whatever. That's a direct, personal insult and a statement about a person's State of Being. To say "You're being a dipshit" introduces an amount of space which helpfully escapes a lot of these problems.
could you smang me
that sounds better to me
you're already an amazing disappointment to me, gooey
in terms of that person's capability to not only directly empathize with your situation, but also in terms of that person's positive or negative experiences (or lack thereof) with whatever your situation is causing some kind of resentment or other serious misalignment of how they perceive you and your relationship with them
to some extent, this can be a "don't moan about your privileged problems to people who have it shittier than you, you insensitive prat"
but it can also go the other way, divulging to someone you trust about an issue you're grappling with that is completely outside their spectrum of experience in a way they find foreign, upsetting, un-envious, and not something they understand how to comfort someone over because they don't think like... that should be something that happens to a person they are friends with
it can actually be remarkably alienating to have a lot of really close friends who trust you with a lot of their intimate details and secrets and come to you for emotional support, and you can't really lean on them the same way because the problems you are facing are not only outside their experience, but could actually damage your friendship if you tried to explain
If you play on easier difficulties maybe.
Fuck this dayquil is kicking in hard and i'm woozy and sweating and JUST GO AWAY ILLNESS.
physically yes
mentally oh god no
thanks dude! i really appreciate it.
but everyone, or almost everyone, does this to a degree
100% honesty all the time sounds like a disaster if you're with someone for a long time
I don't lie about things but there are many things I will not mention unless my partner directly asks about it (unless it's something like, I suddenly racked up credit card debt, have a drug addiction or cheated that stuff comes out)
Idk I feel like compartmentalizing is vital in many cases
I think the most important part is that there's no level that could be considered deceit.
Like as long as you have that same level of flirtyness while you are around your significant other and don't try to act different or hide it things tend to go better.
https://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2016/12/20/rimworld-wanderlust-update/
I disagree utterly. It's not fluid - here's Scalzi on this issue, and he is correct:
Allow me.
He plays Terran, everybody.
my wife is good about this
i'm naturally flirtatious by my nature and have a super hard time turning it off
doesn't bother her at all
So, try to wipe off his tail that he soaked, take off my clothes put them in washer, clean up all the drips, lock him in the room with me and the other cat.
The other cat doesn't like being in here and meows and meows as he usually does. I look over and he has just pissed on the wall/baseboard. Soak those in nature's miracle, curse everything.
Cats plz.
could be a and you were still cheating though
or b and you weren't
or you and your partner could not 100% agree on what counts as physically or emotionally intimate
it's fraught with peril!
I disagree and don't operate my relationship like that.
There are plenty of times when I just don't mention something because it's inconsequential or irrelevant, but if I ever feel like I probably shouldn't tell Belasco something, I immediately go and tell her.
i have had periods of oversharing and not-sharing-at-all but generally speaking i talk about my problems and worries a lot. in spats, i cut down on it on the forums because i don't want to stew in it too publicly. i also don't want to clog up what are otherwise fairly lighthearted venues.
but throughout, whether or not i successfully limit my public grousing, i do talk to my friends about it through gchat or whatever. and i know they are my friends and will accept it, if i can't make myself stop vomiting my existential horror. but i very much feel like an imposition and yes, i very much feel weird because many of those problems are completely alien to the person. stuff about class or mental illness or several other things that are like, i appreciate you listening. i know you don't really understand, which isn't your fault but i regret this gap between us and yet i can't stop. aloneness is v scary.
he goes on:
http://whatever.scalzi.com/2011/06/08/how-to-know-if-youre-cheating/
If it's cheating to your partner then it is cheating.(assuming you knew)
If you can't come to a consensus on that then that's not a working relationship.
There are white lies and there are Lies, I suppose. I didn't tell my wife how much I spent on her Christmas present because I know she'll freak out, but we have the disposable income for it and I love her and I want to buy her nice things. It's technically a lie, but coming from a good place and doesn't cause any real harm.
However, if I had gone deeply in to debt to purchase her the gift it would be something completely different.
That's why I said the bit about "i dont even know what this means without context" originally. I think context is important but as a general rule lying (or emotionally cheating, or whatever) is bad.
okay so yeah i agree to that but it almost literally defines it as fluid
true but like
that it is fluid is why there will not necessarily always be consensus?
This is why you should only online date
:winky: