This is
Kauai, known as "the garden island."
You've probably seen it in movies like
Jurassic Park, or
Blue Hawaii. What you may not know, is that it is a shit hole.
A hole of shit.
You may be under the impression that Kauai is a quaint, largely unpopulated island covered in lush tropical vegetation, breath-taking waterfalls, and gorgeous vistas. This is entirely true. What it fails to note, however, is that the other 20% of the island, the 20% of the island that is actually
inhabited is covered in slack-jawed yokels the likes of which rarely seen outside of the deep south. In fact, to imagine what it's like to live here, you only need picture yourself living in a small town in Alabama where everyone is constantly high.
There are four radio stations on Kauai, five on a good day. Three of them play "Island Music." Island music, running right along with our southern analog, is very similar to country music, in that it is such a specific, repetitive genre that every song is essentially a remix of the one before it. unlike the archetypal moaning country tale-of-woe, however, all Island music is about just how great it is to live on an island, and how much better the islanders are for having lived there. There are five essential words that
must be included in every song; Style, Island, Beach, Baby, Hawaii, and Girl/Boy. Bonus points if you can manage to make some reference to a tropical fruit, or local snack.
At some point in the mid-nineties, it was apparently decided that every song produced must also have a generic "Jamaican Rap" segment. Those bands too poor to import Jamaicans have taken to having one of their friends sing while
pretending to have be Jamaican. As idiotic as this trend is, it still marks the only innovation sense
That One Guy Who Did That Cover of Over the Rainbow died in what was apparently an unsuccessful attempt at becoming the twentieth Hawaiian Island.
Backing these insipid vocals is the
ukulele. I've yet to find it, but judging by the "variety" of local music, I'm almost certain that every ukulele comes with a built in Casio-Keyboard-esque, factory-standard riffs. My best guess is that it is hidden somewhere near the syringe that automatically injects the user with horse-sedative.
If you miss a song on the radio, don't worry, they'll play it again. In fact, there are only about twenty songs they
ever play on the radio. Let's look at some of the lyrics to one favorite...
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Let's Talk Story
Fantastic.
Which brings me to the next topic of my vitriol - the local language.
People on Kauai speak a variation of English everyone simply calls Pidgin. This is a variation on English in the same way that a miscarriage is a variation on birth. What they speak here is not a language in the truest sense of the word - the baying of wolves carries more meaningful information. This is a place where the sate catch-phrase "da kine" is plastered on backpacks, bumper-stickers, TV shows and radio stations. The inability to communicate clearly has become a sort of badge of honor here - on Kauai, like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, celebrates its own stupidity.
In addition to the mangling normal English, the locals, much like the attendees of your local anime convention, also like to sprinkle their speech with words from other languages just to really
drive home their status as an island native. If you haven't said you're "
pau" with your work, or offered up a "
hala" when someone does something wrong, you're probably a "
haole." Now, there is an argument to be made that this random word use is in fact an adaption to aid the community - you see, as Kauai is entirely based on tourism, it's beneficial for the economy if everyone who lives on the island really hams up the local act. Because when people come to Hawaii, they want as much Hawaii as they can possibly get, damnit.
Want to impress your friends? Just pretend you know Hawaiian! It's simple, just say the following syllables: Ha, Ka, Ke, Ki, La, Li, Lu, Wai, Me, and A.
Got it? Good! Now you can speak Hawaiian. Just mix 'em around for variety. No one will know, because Hawaiian is a dead language. (Unless, of course, you're in an airport in Hawaii, in which case it's all you'll hear blaring at you over the sound system like someone strangling an asthmatic yodeling cat). Practice enough, and you'll even be comfortable enough to improvise and make up words like Humuhumunukunukuapuaa, Hawaii's state fish.
But, DE?AD, you ask, what about the beautiful Polynesian girls? What about the
wahine?
Oh, Kauai's got wahine. I hope you like 'em fat, dumb, and ugly, because, you see, much like previously mention small town in Alabama, Kauai doesn't exactly have a diverse breeding pool. Local culture holds it as polite to refer to your non-related elders as "auntie" or "uncle," and "cuz" and "bra" are both commonly used as standardized nicknames. However, the truth of the matter is that, more likely than not, there is a biological truth behind these phrases. Oh, and if they're over fifteen, chances are they're pregnant, so good luck with that.
In fact, most of Kauai matches up fairly well with the stereotypical "South," provided that said "South" is totally tripping balls. In brief:
Banjo - Ukulele
Radio Only Plays Country - Radio Only Plays Island Music
Hush Puppies - Spam Musubi
Heavy Southern Drawl - Nonsensical Pidgin
Everyone Drives Pick-Up Trucks - Everyone Drives Pick-Up Trucks
Deer Huntin' - Boar Huntin'
Overalls - Swim Trunks
Southern Flag Decals - Traditional, Mass-Produced Native Art Decals
It's all there, man.
In closing, I would like to say only this - I blame the plantations. Somehow, by some means I've yet to fully grasp, plantations destroy culture.
Thank you, and good night.
Alternative Topics of Discussion
[Horrible Music]
[Horrible Places You've Lived]
[The Cultural Celebration of Stupidity]
[Terrible Accents]
[States That Should Probably Just Be Erased]
[Video Games]
[Balls]
Posts
Wii Friend Code: 0072 4984 2399 2126
PSN ID : Theidar
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Behold the annhilation of the extraterrestrial and the rise of the machines.
Hail Satan!
WISHLIST
Amazon Wish List
fuck yes it was
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
Mexico is shit.
Jamaica is shit.
The sun is shit.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
there's dinosaurs on every island
even yours
I saw it in middle school during a science class, that teacher was awsome. To bad he got in trouble for showing a PG-13 movie to a bunch of 11-12 year olds.
Amazon Wish List
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
there are terrible people
I think I would kill to be on that island right now. I think me and DE?AD should switch places, hell he can even keep my pay check.
Amazon Wish List
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
ruh roh
A vacation? Yes...hell, even a month...but after that wouldn't you just feel fucking useless and purposeless?
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
Now if you through in a beautiful girl into that equation you must be pretty close.
Amazon Wish List
especially yours
more like a cinder block
clever girl.
You are probably right, I really want to just live a simple life sometimes. Even if only for a little bit, no moving around, no mission that has to be completed ASAP. Just to sit and do nothing. In the end I would probaly get really restless and bored but I would love to see how long it would take.
Amazon Wish List
I think it's a good message.
Guilty as charged.
time to study jurassic park for the eventual dinosaur uprising
those xkcd comics are now more appropriate than ever!
i think we all were looking for pretty much any excuse to use that line
yes, i win
i'm beginning to hate it since it's used so much so much
like the "cut of your jib"
shit these are so old
yess.
HMmm...well yes but still you would be rendered useless.
I made a TD for iphone and windows phone!
i dont think i like the cut of your jib
he got no moxie.
then he bit your face off
khoolever girl
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
boooo
get off the stage
Chutzpah is such a better term than moxie.
Wii Friend Code: 0072 4984 2399 2126
PSN ID : Theidar
Facebook
Behold the annhilation of the extraterrestrial and the rise of the machines.
Hail Satan!
WISHLIST
my career!
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
you're supposed to go to oahu