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[Mass Effect] Garrus Sovereign slash fiction
Dox the PI
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Mass Effect
MASS EFFECT 1 IN TWO VIDS AND SEVERAL HILLARIOUS RETCONS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZGFjBmD41Q
EA, being the cool cats that they are leaked info on their own game
Sound familiar anyone?
The latest Expansion:
The largest, most story-intensive, raddest DLC to date, and the first to bridge the story between ME2 and ME3. Team up with Liara T'soni to end the Shadow Broker once and for all, for the low price of $10.
What is Mass Effect? It's games!
It's comics!
It's books!
It's even a movie!
Get your ME1 import saves here! Get your ME2 faces here!
Want information? Check the wiki. Want help? Check the guide. Want everybody to survive? Check the Suicide Mission walkthrough.
TychoCelchuuu has been kind enough to provide peeks at Commander Shepard's facebook page:
one two three | FOUR! FIVE!!
Kasanagi has been kind enough to provide us with sick-nasty gun mods:
Are you on your second+ game? Stop sweating the small stuff and install this: http://www.masseffectsaves.com/mods/kbo.zip
Features:
No startup movies
Infinite "Storm" AKA Sprint
Modified Krogun - 6 shot magazine, 24 spare ammo (40 after research upgrade), semi-automatic, high speed ROF.
Modified Widow - 6 shot magazine, 24 spare ammo, semi-automatic, high speed ROF (same as krogun's).
Just drop this in your Mass Effect 2 install folder under \BioGame\Config\PC\Cooked\ , make sure to backup your current coalesced.ini first, just in case
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJj0_s6d5kM
GoodKingJayIII provided the following way to skip much of the introduction:
korodullin has kindly offered some R&R with a wonderful game of bingo!
Spoit's far more simple variation:
curly haired boy has been kind enough to provide us a brief history of Mass Effect:
Dox the PI converted the Grinch who stole christmas into
Bobble Mad an ode to the death of Batarians to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan
The best part of Mass Effect is the romance. Man-on-woman. Man-on-gun. Woman-on-woman.
MASS EFFECT 1 IN TWO VIDS AND SEVERAL HILLARIOUS RETCONS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZGFjBmD41Q
EA, being the cool cats that they are leaked info on their own game
Rally other species armies to destroy an invading armyEA Store wrote:Earth is burning. Striking from beyond known space, a race of terrifying machines have begun their destruction of the human race. As Commander Shepard, an Alliance Marine, your only hope for saving mankind is to rally the civilizations of the galaxy and launch one final mission to take back the Earth.
Sound familiar anyone?
MASS EFFECT 2
Cast of characters: The latest Expansion:
The largest, most story-intensive, raddest DLC to date, and the first to bridge the story between ME2 and ME3. Team up with Liara T'soni to end the Shadow Broker once and for all, for the low price of $10.
What is Mass Effect? It's games!
It's comics!
It's books!
It's even a movie!
Get your ME1 import saves here! Get your ME2 faces here!
Want information? Check the wiki. Want help? Check the guide. Want everybody to survive? Check the Suicide Mission walkthrough.
TychoCelchuuu has been kind enough to provide peeks at Commander Shepard's facebook page:
one two three | FOUR! FIVE!!
Kasanagi has been kind enough to provide us with sick-nasty gun mods:
Are you on your second+ game? Stop sweating the small stuff and install this: http://www.masseffectsaves.com/mods/kbo.zip
Features:
No startup movies
Infinite "Storm" AKA Sprint
Modified Krogun - 6 shot magazine, 24 spare ammo (40 after research upgrade), semi-automatic, high speed ROF.
Modified Widow - 6 shot magazine, 24 spare ammo, semi-automatic, high speed ROF (same as krogun's).
Just drop this in your Mass Effect 2 install folder under \BioGame\Config\PC\Cooked\ , make sure to backup your current coalesced.ini first, just in case
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJj0_s6d5kM
GoodKingJayIII provided the following way to skip much of the introduction:
SoundsPlush wrote: »1. A lot of people don't like the opening 10 minute intro movie, but there is a way to get rid of it. Go to
C:....mass effect 2BioGameMovies
Change the extension of the following files to .bak:
Opening_End_Seq.bik
Opening_End_SeqFM.bik
Opening_Seq_INT.bik
ProCer_300_FirstFlight.bik
ME2_Opening_SunMid_INT.bak
ProNor_Pod2.bik
ProNorEscape.bik
ProNorEscapeAsh.bik
ProNorEscapeKaid.bik
ME2_Opening_SunMid_ESN.bik
ME_EAsig_720p_v2_raw.bak
BWLogo.bak
ProNor_Shepard_Rebuilt.bik
This will not get rid of everything, you still have to watch the non-CGI cutscenes and Save Joker. BUt it does cut down quite a bit. If you want those movies back just rename them to .bik again. If you're worried your renaming the wrong thing, you can download a BIK palyer and confirm the files.
2. Changing the first nam of your character does require an external program, but is pretty easy overall.
Download Gib's Save editor here: http://mod.gib.me/masseffect2/saveedit_rev23.zip
Open a save game here: C:Documents and SettingsUSERNAMEMy DocumentsBioWareMass Effect 2Save
Backup whatever save data you want.
Delete all the files except the one you want.
Open it in the editor, go to the Raw tab.
Under squad, click player, and change the first name.
Save the file under something new, since it won't allow you to overwrite for some reason. Make sure it's a save name that makes sense like Save_0002.pcsav, has to follow that format.
Rename the directory the your desired name, and you're done!
3. For those who hate planet scanning and hacking, there is an easy ini file edit floating around. This is just a colaseced editor that you guys have already been playing with but this one seemed pretty idiot proof to me. This again needs an external program but is non-excutable.
http://www.mediafire.com/?yjjzlzzzmyj
This has all kinds of stuff like god mode, extra weapons, infinite ammo etc., but if you just want the money, just use it to get your resources, save, then exit the game and revert to the non-hacked state.
I think that's the same guide I used way back when. It works, just rename the movies to .bik.OLD or something. Pares it from 10 minutes down to ~3 minutes.
korodullin has kindly offered some R&R with a wonderful game of bingo!
Spoit's far more simple variation:
curly haired boy has been kind enough to provide us a brief history of Mass Effect:
sovereign watches the asari discover citadel
THEY ARE PRETTY, YES. BUT THEY HAVE ALREADY BEGUN A CULTURAL STAGNATION. UNFLAVORFUL AND BLAND I DEEM THEM
salarians come in, ambitious, but under the influence of asari cease progressing as well
OH GOD THEY'RE LIKE POP ROCKS. TOO BAD THEY DON'T LAST LONGER....ANYONE ELSE GOING TO JOIN THE PARTY?
no? oh well guess i'll drop the voice effects it's not like these rachni can appreciate them anyway. ok you bug queens guess i'll trigger this purge early. not much this time around but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. wish you buggers were worth more to me than as a puppet race...ah nevermind
OH FUCK KROGANS
dammit, they didn't even register on my spacefaring, relay-using species list!
looks like this plan ain't gonna work retreeeat
also very odd i sent the signal to open the citadel relay but it didn't work. UPSETTING.
also dammit that was the loss of a good puppet race indoctrinate the queens and everyone follows ugh ugh where am i gonna find another one oh well
ooo turians OOOO they didn't even get to the citadel until they were already worth harvesting? OMFG you guys ALONE are worth this purge i gotta let the guys know~
mebbe they'll give me a puppet race or something too!
um ok they're excited too but they say nobody gets access to the collectors unless it's an EMERGENCY
FUCK
uh, uh *casts around*
OH HO HO SENTIENT TOASTERS YOU SAY? I CAN WORK WITH THAT! NO I DON'T CARE THAT THEY HAVE FLASHLIGHT HEADS
hmm humans? well they're no krogan i don't think i have to worry about them much hahaha
besides i've got enough busy-work traipsing all over the galaxy trying to find this prothean "back door" thingy
did the guys bother to tell me about that? nooooo they just get to point and laugh, specially that bitch harbinger. DENY ME ACCESS TO THE COLLECTORS WILL YOU? YOU JUST WAIT
HOW BOUT I LEAVE YOU ALL IN BLACK SPACE HMMM?
i was just kidding guys- ah you don't have to bring that up-LOOK I SAID I WAS SORRY.
who the fuck is this shepard person?
...
ok, WHO the FUCK is this SHEPARD person?
...
OMFG WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SHEPARD PERSON. I AM GOING TO HAVE A CHAT WITH THIS HUMAN.
....
blah that didn't go as well as i'd liked. doesn't matter anyway, me and my flashlight heads are in the backdoor. the guys will like the taste of the turians and it's just gravy if i get to personally stomp out this humanity species too. GOD they can be ANNOYING.
OMFG SHEPARD I SWEAR TO GOD
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGSHDFSJDKFSDFSDFSDF1011011110001011010111-
__________________________________________
WHAT? DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY GUYS, WE ALL AGREED THAT SOVVY WAS TOO INCOMPETENT TO USE THE COLLECTORS.
OK FINE THIS IS A PROBLEM ALRIGHT I'LL USE THE COLLECTORS TO DEAL WITH IT
BAM
SHEPARD'S DEAD ARE YOU HAPPY? GOOD.
...
WHAT NOW. YOU WANT TO USE THE HUMANS? WHAT ARE YOU, OUT OF YOUR BIOMECHANICAL MINDS?
FINE. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.
...
OH FUCK OH FUCK SHEPARD'S BACK OH FUCK
I THOUGHT I KILLED HIM TOO DON'T FUCKING BLAME ME IT'S NOT MY FAULT SOVVY LEFT THE HUSK TECH LYING AROUND WHERE THEY COULD RESEARCH IT
oh god.
shepard is in the collector base. ah shit. ah SHIT SHIT SHIIITTTTT
....
look, i'm sorry guys i didn't mean for that to happen. YES i know that was our backup plan. YES i know we don't have any "spare" puppet species. YES i know just how much energy we spent on the collectors and on that base.
just....leave me alone. i gotta think.
THEY ARE PRETTY, YES. BUT THEY HAVE ALREADY BEGUN A CULTURAL STAGNATION. UNFLAVORFUL AND BLAND I DEEM THEM
salarians come in, ambitious, but under the influence of asari cease progressing as well
OH GOD THEY'RE LIKE POP ROCKS. TOO BAD THEY DON'T LAST LONGER....ANYONE ELSE GOING TO JOIN THE PARTY?
no? oh well guess i'll drop the voice effects it's not like these rachni can appreciate them anyway. ok you bug queens guess i'll trigger this purge early. not much this time around but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. wish you buggers were worth more to me than as a puppet race...ah nevermind
OH FUCK KROGANS
dammit, they didn't even register on my spacefaring, relay-using species list!
looks like this plan ain't gonna work retreeeatalso very odd i sent the signal to open the citadel relay but it didn't work. UPSETTING.
also dammit that was the loss of a good puppet race
indoctrinate the queens and everyone follows ugh ugh where am i gonna find another one oh wellooo turians OOOO they didn't even get to the citadel until they were already worth harvesting? OMFG you guys ALONE are worth this purge i gotta let the guys know~
mebbe they'll give me a puppet race or something too!um ok they're excited too but they say nobody gets access to the collectors unless it's an EMERGENCY
FUCK
uh, uh *casts around*
OH HO HO SENTIENT TOASTERS YOU SAY? I CAN WORK WITH THAT! NO I DON'T CARE THAT THEY HAVE FLASHLIGHT HEADS
hmm humans? well they're no krogan i don't think i have to worry about them much hahaha
besides i've got enough busy-work traipsing all over the galaxy trying to find this prothean "back door" thingy
did the guys bother to tell me about that? nooooo they just get to point and laugh, specially that bitch harbinger. DENY ME ACCESS TO THE COLLECTORS WILL YOU? YOU JUST WAIT
HOW BOUT I LEAVE YOU ALL IN BLACK SPACE HMMM?
i was just kidding guys- ah you don't have to bring that up-LOOK I SAID I WAS SORRY.
who the fuck is this shepard person?
...
ok, WHO the FUCK is this SHEPARD person?
...
OMFG WHO THE FUCK IS THIS SHEPARD PERSON. I AM GOING TO HAVE A CHAT WITH THIS HUMAN.
....
blah that didn't go as well as i'd liked. doesn't matter anyway, me and my flashlight heads are in the backdoor. the guys will like the taste of the turians and it's just gravy if i get to personally stomp out this humanity species too. GOD they can be ANNOYING.
OMFG SHEPARD I SWEAR TO GOD
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGSHDFSJDKFSDFSDFSDF1011011110001011010111-
__________________________________________
WHAT? DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY GUYS, WE ALL AGREED THAT SOVVY WAS TOO INCOMPETENT TO USE THE COLLECTORS.
OK FINE THIS IS A PROBLEM ALRIGHT I'LL USE THE COLLECTORS TO DEAL WITH IT
BAM
SHEPARD'S DEAD ARE YOU HAPPY? GOOD.
...
WHAT NOW. YOU WANT TO USE THE HUMANS? WHAT ARE YOU, OUT OF YOUR BIOMECHANICAL MINDS?
FINE. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT.
...
OH FUCK OH FUCK SHEPARD'S BACK OH FUCK
I THOUGHT I KILLED HIM TOO DON'T FUCKING BLAME ME IT'S NOT MY FAULT SOVVY LEFT THE HUSK TECH LYING AROUND WHERE THEY COULD RESEARCH IT
oh god.
shepard is in the collector base. ah shit. ah SHIT SHIT SHIIITTTTT
....
look, i'm sorry guys i didn't mean for that to happen. YES i know that was our backup plan. YES i know we don't have any "spare" puppet species. YES i know just how much energy we spent on the collectors and on that base.
just....leave me alone. i gotta think.
Dox the PI converted the Grinch who stole christmas into
The Batarian Who Stole Christmas
Every Human Down in the Milky Way Liked Christmas a lot…
But the Batarian, Who lived just north of The Terminus Systems, Did NOT!
The Batarian hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be their slaving isn't right.
It could be, perhaps, that his jump suits too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that he has eyes, two more then normal!
Whatever the reason, his suits or eyes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Humans,
Staring down from his ship with a sadistic, Batarian frown,
At the warm lighted windows below on the planet.
For he knew every human down on Earth bellow,
Was busy now, hanging biotic mistletoes.
“And they’re hanging their ez-zo!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his brown Batarian fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Earth girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their consoles!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Humans, young and old, would sit down to a play.
And they’d play! And they’d play! And they’d play!
play! play! play!
They would play M-E-1 and play M-E-2.
Which was something the Batarian couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They’d do something He liked least of all!
Every Human down on Earth, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Humans would start singing!
They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Batarian thought of this Human Christmas Sing,
The more the Batarian thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, for Twenty-Three years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE BATARIAN GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Batarian laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Space Santa Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Batarian trick!”
“With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!”
“All I need is a reindeer…” The Batarian looked around.
But, since reindeer are extinct, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Batarian? No! The Batarian simply said,
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his Varren, Max. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Batarian said, “Giddap!” And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the Humans Lay asnooze in their homes.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Humans were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
“This is stop number one,” the old Batarian Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Batarian.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Human stockings all hung in a row.
“These stockings,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
shotguns! And spaceships! hammerheads! guns!
Mattocks! Locusts! Omni-Gel! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Batarian, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Humans’ feast!
He took the Human-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of human-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned the Batarian, “I will stuff up the tree!”
And the Batarian grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a Human!
Little Commander Shepard, who was not more than two.
The Batarian had been caught by this tiny Human,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
He stared at the Batarian and said, “Santy Claus, why,”
“Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?”
But, you know, that old Batarian was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my little tot,” the fake Santy Claus lied,
“There’s a light on this tree that won’t light on one side.”
“So I’m taking it home to my ship, my friend.”
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head,
And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.
And when Commander Shepard went to bed with his cup,
The Batarian went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other Humans’ houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Humans’ mouses!
It was quarter past dawn… All the Humans, still a-bed,
All the Humans, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their Cains! The Helmets! The Trophy Bots!
The DLC! And the Amps! The Launchers! The Heat Sinks!
30 million feet up! Up earth atmosphere,
He rode with his load to the ship to dump it!
“PoohPooh to the Humans!” he was humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!”
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Humans down on Earth will all cry BooHoo!”
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Batarian, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Batarian put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the lands.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Earth! The Batarian popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Human down on Earth, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Batarian, with his feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came with out guns! It came without flames!”
“It came without mattocks, locusts or cains!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Batarian thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then? Well... on Earth they say,
That the Batarians top eyes fell out that day!
And the minute his eyes didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the guns! And the amps for the fights!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Batarian was carved up and burned with roast beast!
By little Commander Shepard who sold his testes
Every Human Down in the Milky Way Liked Christmas a lot…
But the Batarian, Who lived just north of The Terminus Systems, Did NOT!
The Batarian hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be their slaving isn't right.
It could be, perhaps, that his jump suits too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that he has eyes, two more then normal!
Whatever the reason, his suits or eyes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Humans,
Staring down from his ship with a sadistic, Batarian frown,
At the warm lighted windows below on the planet.
For he knew every human down on Earth bellow,
Was busy now, hanging biotic mistletoes.
“And they’re hanging their ez-zo!” he snarled with a sneer,
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his brown Batarian fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Earth girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their consoles!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Humans, young and old, would sit down to a play.
And they’d play! And they’d play! And they’d play!
play! play! play!
They would play M-E-1 and play M-E-2.
Which was something the Batarian couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They’d do something He liked least of all!
Every Human down on Earth, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Humans would start singing!
They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Batarian thought of this Human Christmas Sing,
The more the Batarian thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
“Why, for Twenty-Three years I’ve put up with it now!”
“I MUST stop this Christmas from coming! But HOW?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE BATARIAN GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Batarian laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Space Santa Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Batarian trick!”
“With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!”
“All I need is a reindeer…” The Batarian looked around.
But, since reindeer are extinct, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Batarian? No! The Batarian simply said,
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll make one instead!”
So he called his Varren, Max. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN He loaded some bags And some old empty sacks,
On a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Max.
Then the Batarian said, “Giddap!” And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the Humans Lay asnooze in their homes.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Humans were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
“This is stop number one,” the old Batarian Claus hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Batarian.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Human stockings all hung in a row.
“These stockings,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
shotguns! And spaceships! hammerheads! guns!
Mattocks! Locusts! Omni-Gel! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Batarian, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Humans’ feast!
He took the Human-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of human-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned the Batarian, “I will stuff up the tree!”
And the Batarian grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a Human!
Little Commander Shepard, who was not more than two.
The Batarian had been caught by this tiny Human,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
He stared at the Batarian and said, “Santy Claus, why,”
“Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?”
But, you know, that old Batarian was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my little tot,” the fake Santy Claus lied,
“There’s a light on this tree that won’t light on one side.”
“So I’m taking it home to my ship, my friend.”
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted his head,
And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.
And when Commander Shepard went to bed with his cup,
The Batarian went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food That he left in the house,
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
Then He did the same thing To the other Humans’ houses
Leaving crumbs Much too small For the other Humans’ mouses!
It was quarter past dawn… All the Humans, still a-bed,
All the Humans, still asnooze When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their Cains! The Helmets! The Trophy Bots!
The DLC! And the Amps! The Launchers! The Heat Sinks!
30 million feet up! Up earth atmosphere,
He rode with his load to the ship to dump it!
“PoohPooh to the Humans!” he was humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!”
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!”
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Humans down on Earth will all cry BooHoo!”
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Batarian, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Batarian put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the lands.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Earth! The Batarian popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Human down on Earth, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Batarian, with his feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?”
“It came with out guns! It came without flames!”
“It came without mattocks, locusts or cains!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Batarian thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.”
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then? Well... on Earth they say,
That the Batarians top eyes fell out that day!
And the minute his eyes didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the guns! And the amps for the fights!
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Batarian was carved up and burned with roast beast!
By little Commander Shepard who sold his testes
Bobble Mad an ode to the death of Batarians to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan
I am the very model of a killer of batarians.
I've shot at many orphans, several teachers and librarians.
I love to use explosives in event of an emergency -
and even when it's not they tend to manufacture urgency.
My genocidal point of view is rarely called contrarian -
I am the very model of a killer of batarians!
I've shot at many orphans, several teachers and librarians.
I love to use explosives in event of an emergency -
and even when it's not they tend to manufacture urgency.
My genocidal point of view is rarely called contrarian -
I am the very model of a killer of batarians!
The best part of Mass Effect is the romance. Man-on-woman. Man-on-gun. Woman-on-woman.
curly haired boy wrote: »
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"hillarious" only has one "L"
They're kind of the best council race. The Salarian shopkeeper on Zakera is friendly and helpful, and they officially owe Shep big time.
Plus Mordin.
Why I fear the ocean.
Unless it's the krogan version, which has twice what humans have for everything.
And Mark Meer's narration is brilliant
How are they being punished?
Imagine you never played ME1 and booted up ME2 and had to spend ages reading through text menus which asked you about numerous decisions you have no real context to. That's what the comic is doing its best to do - give some context and allow people to make the most important decisions of the game.
I wouldnt say its a retcon but it misses things out or fails to mention stuff happening most likely to keep the thing short, but come on people, its not a retcon unless in me3 garrus starts mentioning how he used to dive through the air duelling pistols or have no idea what a thorian was.
I understand why Genesis was introduced to the game, and again, it's a superb idea However, as someone who has completed ME2 many times on a now bricked 360, I want to be able to be exposed to all the content that someone who imported the game can be exposed to, rather than just the six biggest choices. It wouldn't take much to give people the option of going through Genesis or just having an advanced menu where you make each binary choice individually.
Again, it'd be trivial to introduce and there are plenty of people out there for whom the ability to choose things like how Shepard acted in each minor quest would make a big difference. It's made worse by the fact that the default Shepard was an chump who missed out EVERYTHING.
wait, two right choices: Ash and the Council killed off.