The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
The American Presidency Battle Royale: Coliseum Edition
AngelHedgie
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is not a thread about the current war of ideologies waging war for the Presidency.
This is a thread about hypothetically putting the 43 men to hold the highest elective office in the United States into an arena, and seeing which one comes out alive. In short, which President is the meanest, most ornery, most murderous son of a bitch to hold the office?
First, the rules, as laid out by the Reddit thread that started this:
* Every president is in the best physical and mental condition they were ever in throughout the course of their presidency. Fatal maladies have been cured, but any lifelong conditions or chronic illnesses (e.g. FDR’s polio) remain.
** Hedgie's note: Please note the bolded part. They're in the best shape that they were in during their term (which more or less means the shape they were in when they first took the oath of office.)
* The presidents are fighting in an ovular arena 287 feet long and 180 feet wide (the dimensions of the Roman Colosseum). The floor is concrete. Assume that weather is not a factor.
** Hedgie's note: To clarify the weather, assume ambient temperature of 70F, low humidity, and sunny yet overcast (so no direct sun on the arena floor.)
* Each president has been given one standard-issue Gerber LHR Combat Knife , the knife presented to each graduate of the United States Army Special Forces Qualification Course. Assume the presidents have no training outside any combat experiences they may have had in their own lives.
* There is no penalty for avoiding combat for an extended period of time. Hiding and/or playing dead could be valid strategies, but there can be only one winner. The melee will go on as long as it needs to.
* FDR has been outfitted with a Bound Plus H-Frame Power Wheelchair, and can travel at a maximum speed of around 11.5 MPH. The wheelchair has been customized so that he is holding his knife with his dominant hand. This is to compensate for his almost certain and immediate defeat in the face of an overwhelming disadvantage.
* Each president will be deposited in the arena regardless of their own will to fight, however, personal ethics, leadership ability, tactical expertise etc., should all be taken into account. Alliances are allowed.
I'm going to add one more rule:
* Every President is issued the day prior to the battle a dossier containing historical data on all 43 Presidents. This is to counterbalance the earlier Presidents not knowing much about their later opponents.
So I ask you - who do you think will win the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Presidential Destiny?
XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
AngelHedgie on
0
Posts
I don't know. There's a few other Presidents that could give him a run for his money, like Washington, Jackson, Taylor, Lincoln...
Yeah, Old Hickory would definitely rack up the body count. One of my favorite comments regarding him and John Tyler:
Washington actually stated something like that he enjoyed the sound of bullets whizzing by his ear... The fact that he survived the American Revolution is an amazing piece of luck, but Jacson would put him down.
And the first to go down would be "Big Bill" William Howard Taft, who was not big bill and I'm an idiot.
Either way, the fat one
Which one was the fat one?
That was Taft.
Allright, then I was right that Taft would be first to go down.
Obama: Well, shit.
No contest.
Let's play Mario Kart or something...
And you know what THOSE things can do
In his aged age the Amazon rainforest couldn't beat him.
Forty odd old white dudes and Obama don't have a shot.
[/thread]
Teddy Roosevelt strolls into a clearing carrying an elephant gun, sniffs the air to detect the faint but unmistakable odor of brylcreem and examines the tracks left behind by a pair of black leather dress shoes
"Ah yes... Presidents... The most dangerous game..."
Contest is to see who actually manages to get away from the great white hunter
Kennedy and Nixon just go right at each other like no one else is there.
Taft does a King Hippo belly flop onto Cool Cal Coolidge, crushing him.
Gerald Ford trips and impales himself.
TR kills him of loneliness.
Always. Always and forever.
According to HBO, dude knows his way around a battlefield
[pratchett]Teddy Roosevelt did a lot for rare species. For one thing, he kept them rare.[/pratchett]
The corpses on San Juan Hill disagree.
Jackson was in his 60s when he was president. Oddly enough, both Teddy and Jackson were somewhat sickly men despite being professional badasses, but that's going to affect a man in his 60s a hell of a lot more than a man in his 40s.
"Through extensive bullet-based scientific research, I have determined this species is, in fact, shootable."
The man was for his generation what Stephen Hawking is for ours.
A boss at getting the ladies:
I disagree. He was a healthy enough guy until he got pneumonia. He got that from his inauguration, standing out in the freezing cold and pouring rain. So it's a safe assumption his healthiest is at his inauguration, before the pneumonia would've had any effects. The only way it becomes an issue is if he survives a few days for the illness to take effect, and given that this is just a small arena, it's fair to say the fight will be over before that's an issue.