@Lindsey Lohan, ugh, I totally hear you. I NEED me-time. For a solid month Anya was going to bed at 9.30 pm (if we were lucky!) and waking up at 5.30 am. WHAT THE HELL. She's only 2 1/4! Luckily this week we've been managing to get her to fall asleep between 8-9. Anya would be the perfect child were it not for her ridiculous sleep patterns.
Exactly, I think it's partially from being an only child but I get super feisty and frustrated when I have no quiet, hermit time. Having two kids all summer, both on teenager type of sleeping patterns has been frustrating. We've never really wanted a TV in our bedroom, but I've almost been tempted this summer just to give us a retreat to watch home improvement shows and sip coffee! I think if the living situation ever became permanent we might have to consider it or I may have to get a laptop for myself.
We have a TV in our bedroom and it's helped me 'sleepervise' Anya (a common term in my mom groups, haha) many a time!
So last weekend I hit the 'why the fuck did I think getting pregnant ever again was a good idea' stage. I think the realisation that this incredible nausea/vomiting/fatigue will continue for probably another 20 weeks makes it worse this time around. This weekend I only really felt functional when lying horizontal. Luckily Mori's parents were a huuuge help.
I once accidentally cracked Anya over the head with a broom handle. It was a decently heavy broom, too. >.<
However, the injuries that have made her cry and/or produced the biggest, nastiest cuts and bruises have been ones that seem relatively minor at the time.
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El SkidThe frozen white northRegistered Userregular
edited August 2014
Haha my daughter (when she was like...1 maybe?) was getting passed around at a family thing, and her fourteen year old cousin was holding her arms and she decided to do jump forward and does a flip with both arms still held out to the side. It seemed kind of awkward when she went over but everything appeared fine...at least to me. She wasn't crying or anything- just looking a bit surprised...
My wife takes a look at her, walks over, and grabs her arm and shoves a bit, and then the tears start. Apparently her shoulder had become dislocated, and needed to be popped into place.
....I'm super lucky to have married someone who can not only notice shit but take the required steps to fix what she notices.
I once accidentally cracked Anya over the head with a broom handle. It was a decently heavy broom, too. >.<
However, the injuries that have made her cry and/or produced the biggest, nastiest cuts and bruises have been ones that seem relatively minor at the time.
I think with Luke it's the ones that scared/surprised him that produced the worst reactions. Like when I hit him with the restroom door at the grocery store by mistake (end result: tears and throwing up) or when he fell running to the bathroom with his hands pinned behind him (end result: tears and throwing up in my pants/underwear). If he sees it coming, like falling off a bike or a scratch from an animal, it doesn't seem to be as upsetting.
My best friend and I were babysitting a big group of kids while their rich parents partied upstairs. One of the girls fell and had this moment where she was debating whether or not she was going to cry. I just swopped in with "Hey! (Best friend) is a nurse! Let's ask her what to do. She'll fix that right up!"
All she had to do was put a cold water bottle against her arm, but she immediately didn't want to cry anymore. It was like Oh, this serious medical opinion for this minor rug burn I got. I'm all better now.
FortyTwostrongest man in the world The Land of Pleasant Living Registered Userregular
The wife is six months pregnant.
So adults of SE++ answer me this: natural childbirth, v drugs? Who used a doula? Midwifery? We are leaning towards a straightforward hospital situation.
Also - for the men in the room, how did you handle the circumcision question?
As a man who was circumcised not for religious reasons, if I ever have a son there's no way I do it. As far as I'm concerned it's genital mutilation, albeit not on par with what they do to girls in horrible places, but it's a religious relic and "It makes it easier to clean" is not a valid reason to cut off part of my kid's dick, at least to me.
We did circumcision. I can't really explain why except that in my whole life I only knew one person who wasn't so it felt like I should just go that route too. I know that there are huge, very passionate arguments on not doing it vs doing it, but in the end it was just that for the wieners I had known in my life it was the norm so I went with it...shallow reasoning I know and I'd never try to defend my train of thought in a D&D thread and please, please don't think less of me as a parent.
I actually feel bad when the arguments come up because I feel like I should have this well thought out reason why we did it, and the anti-circumcision people make you feel like you cut off your kid's ears with no good reason. There are so many decisions and arguments when you're expecting, in the end this particular decision came down to what we knew and were comfortable with so we went with it.
If you do decide to it should be pointed out that some hospitals/insurances consider it to be cosmetic surgery and therefore will not cover it under insurance and won't bill you for it, so you would have to pay out of pocket prior to the procedure.
Edit: Just to add, there was no religious reasoning for ours.
We had a traditional doctor for our first kid and went with a midwife for the second and would 100% recommend the midwife. She was far more attentive to my wife's wants and needs than the doctor was and was also much easier to access if my wife had questions. Midwives are often covered by insurance and have preexisting relationships with hospitals, so you really get the best of both worlds. Hospitals and doctors are trained to go right to heavy duty medical interventions if things aren't going how they want and, at least in our experience, the midwife was a lot better about sticking to what you wanted as long as she could.
My lady wanted to go without pain meds, couldn't either time, so I can't comment on that.
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El SkidThe frozen white northRegistered Userregular
So adults of SE++ answer me this: natural childbirth, v drugs? Who used a doula? Midwifery? We are leaning towards a straightforward hospital situation.
Also - for the men in the room, how did you handle the circumcision question?
Here's my thoughts:
Natural vs drugs is entirely up to the wife, honestly. Depends entirely on how she wants the experience to go- your job in this ideally is to be supportive of whatever she wants and ready to back her up if she changes her mind (unless she asks you to not let her change her mind, at which point good luck).
We used a doula, and it was an incredibly positive experience. Very knowledgeable, helpful and even took pictures of the delivery (by c-section unfortunately). She was very helpful as far as knowing what questions to ask, what answers we received were negociable etc.
Hospital is the "safe" option. If you have no real risk factors and feel like you want to explore other options feel free to do so if you wish. I don't have anything else to add here as we had basically zero choice due to circumstances.
For circumcision... good luck. I'm so glad I had a girl for this very reason. :P
So adults of SE++ answer me this: natural childbirth, v drugs? Who used a doula? Midwifery? We are leaning towards a straightforward hospital situation.
Also - for the men in the room, how did you handle the circumcision question?
I didn't use a doula, but honestly (this'll sound crazy to 99% of the population), Mori's mom was as good as a doula. She was seriously so helpful. I might be one of the only women to actually WANT my mother-in-law in the delivery room. If I only had Mori to 'support' me (haha, sorry, but he knows he's not so great when it comes to childbirth) I'd definitely consider a doula.
I'm looking at a midwife/birthing center this time around. However, that's not to say I had a bad experience at our hospital. I had a wonderful midwife there, and I was largely left alone for most of my labour, which suited me. There were a couple of on-call OBs who only came in at the very last second and were very respectful.
What I *didn't* like was the aftercare. And the expense! First of all, someone came to check up on us or perform some kind of test at least every 3 hours. I slept about 3 hours TOTAL the 3 days and 2 nights I was in the hospital! And in the end, the hospital bill was $29k for what amounted to a bare-bones room, and, apart from the epidural, some ibuprofen and stool softeners. I didn't even get free food!
I had an epidural, but largely because I was SO TIRED. And I wonder if I'd not had the pitocin (which I wasn't given much of a choice in), yada yada, whether I'd have been able to rest a little more and avoid the epi.
However... one of my reasons for wanting the birth center this time around is because I laboured really, really well. I had zero complications, a reasonably quick delivery, and no lasting problems. Without the confidence that my body is capable of performing well, I'd want a hospital for security.
EDIT: But it's 100% up to your lady and where she thinks she'd feel comfortable. Regardless of what type of birth she has, I really liked Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for empowering stories.
Circumcision: Now, not a man, so feel free to disregard my comments. However, avoiding all the moral quandaries surrounding circumcision, my main reason for not wanting to circumcise any future boys is that it's medically unnecessary. The US is pretty much the only nation outside of Africa/The Middle East who routinely circumcises baby boys. Most of the world's men manage to keep good hygiene and avoid UTIs without having to be circumcised to do so. I will say, though, that it's REALLY important to find a doctor who is used to handling intact penises if you decide not to circumcise. I've heard more than a few horror stories of boys being forcibly retracted.
Circumcision seems easy to me: think of the earliest age you could communicate the question "Would it be cool if we just cut off part of your penis for no particular reason?" and then imagine what your son's reaction would be. If you aren't absolutely certain the answer will be "Duh, why didn't you just do that for me when I was born?" then probably don't do the circumcision.
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Donovan PuppyfuckerA dagger in the dark isworth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered Userregular
We did circumcision. I can't really explain why except that in my whole life I only knew one person who wasn't so it felt like I should just go that route too. I know that there are huge, very passionate arguments on not doing it vs doing it, but in the end it was just that for the wieners I had known in my life it was the norm so I went with it...shallow reasoning I know and I'd never try to defend my train of thought in a D&D thread and please, please don't think less of me as a parent.
I actually feel bad when the arguments come up because I feel like I should have this well thought out reason why we did it, and the anti-circumcision people make you feel like you cut off your kid's ears with no good reason. There are so many decisions and arguments when you're expecting, in the end this particular decision came down to what we knew and were comfortable with so we went with it.
If you do decide to it should be pointed out that some hospitals/insurances consider it to be cosmetic surgery and therefore will not cover it under insurance and won't bill you for it, so you would have to pay out of pocket prior to the procedure.
Edit: Just to add, there was no religious reasoning for ours.
Hey, it's your kid, and anyone that wants to jump down your throat about it can jog on, because it's such an ingrained part of society that many many people have no idea that it's literally a worthless thing to do. It achieves nothing. So don't feel bad, it's not like your kid is going to grow up and resent you for it.
So adults of SE++ answer me this: natural childbirth, v drugs? Who used a doula? Midwifery? We are leaning towards a straightforward hospital situation.
Also - for the men in the room, how did you handle the circumcision question?
we had a petsistent midwife from 18 weeks on, and that consistency made the process really calm and easy, and even through unexpected hiccups like induction we never felt overly intruded upon. my partner was able to give birth without drugs and the benefits of that were vast, but it was only in the knowledge that an epidural was available that she could be confident and relaxed about it all. which was the key thing. i think having a pre-set 'birthplan' is flirting with disaster - sure, make decisions about your preferences, talk about them, but understand in many cases and in many ways it won't happen exactly like that.
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
I had a midwife-assisted homebirth, which means natural. I would not trade the experience for anything. MANA has released their numbers, and it is a safe option. So if that's something you're open to or even curious about, I'd recommend looking into it. If you live anywhere near where I did when I had my son, I can give you the name of my midwife, who was just amazing. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
No matter what you do though, get a doula.
We had our son circumcised, but we are Jewish. If you're not Jewish, don't do it. I had a pretty hefty internal struggle about it and talked to a lot of people, ultimately deciding on that route. If you do decide to and aren't in the situation where you're going to have a bris, don't do it before he's a week old.
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And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
We did circumcision. I can't really explain why except that in my whole life I only knew one person who wasn't so it felt like I should just go that route too. I know that there are huge, very passionate arguments on not doing it vs doing it, but in the end it was just that for the wieners I had known in my life it was the norm so I went with it...shallow reasoning I know and I'd never try to defend my train of thought in a D&D thread and please, please don't think less of me as a parent.
I actually feel bad when the arguments come up because I feel like I should have this well thought out reason why we did it, and the anti-circumcision people make you feel like you cut off your kid's ears with no good reason. There are so many decisions and arguments when you're expecting, in the end this particular decision came down to what we knew and were comfortable with so we went with it.
If you do decide to it should be pointed out that some hospitals/insurances consider it to be cosmetic surgery and therefore will not cover it under insurance and won't bill you for it, so you would have to pay out of pocket prior to the procedure.
Edit: Just to add, there was no religious reasoning for ours.
Hey, it's your kid, and anyone that wants to jump down your throat about it can jog on, because it's such an ingrained part of society that many many people have no idea that it's literally a worthless thing to do. It achieves nothing. So don't feel bad, it's not like your kid is going to grow up and resent you for it.
No - I get it. It's probably in the end a cosmetic thing (along with some different cleaning areas or whatever) but it is admittedly one of a ton of decisions you face when having a kid and I don't regret my decision. It does bother me how black and white people make it sound and like we were butchers for choosing to have it done. People can be real assholes when they hear you decided to do what they feel is wrong - we had to have a c-section, we used formula instead of breast feeding, we let the kid sleep with us more nights than we probably should have because he was really crafty about escaping the crib, and yes, we had him circumcised basically due to family tradition on both sides of things. Whether it's right or wrong, if every penis you know of in your circle of friends and family is circumcised it can be hard to be the ones to stop that pattern. I just hate how judgmental people can be on this issue.
We used a hospital for our son and would again. With absolutely zero complications up until delivery we thought everything would be nice and smooth. Her water broke and we went to the hospital and she dilated smoothly. But when she started to push his heart rate dropped. Turned out he had tied his umbilical cord into a know and every time she pushed and stretched it he lost all blood flow from her. His heart rate would drop to 65 which is close to dead for an infant. She ended up needing an emergency c section. And we had 3 ultrasound including a 3D very near to his birth and it was not detected. At best he would have suffered permanent brain damage from lack of oxygen and blood and worst case died during delivery if we had not been at a hospital.
Having said that statistically this is a massive outlier and you are perfectly safe using a midwife or whatever most of the time. It is just that for it is worth the price of being at a hospital.
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MichaelLCIn what furnace was thy brain?ChicagoRegistered Userregular
We were fine with hospital too.
It's going to be a magical/terrifying experience wherever it happens.
I suggest that no matter where you decide to do your childbirth, have at minimum a qualified nurse nearby, and if it is not in a hospital, the ability for the place to ship you to the hospital immediately if required.
We used a hospital for our son and would again. With absolutely zero complications up until delivery we thought everything would be nice and smooth. Her water broke and we went to the hospital and she dilated smoothly. But when she started to push his heart rate dropped. Turned out he had tied his umbilical cord into a know and every time she pushed and stretched it he lost all blood flow from her. His heart rate would drop to 65 which is close to dead for an infant. She ended up needing an emergency c section. And we had 3 ultrasound including a 3D very near to his birth and it was not detected. At best he would have suffered permanent brain damage from lack of oxygen and blood and worst case died during delivery if we had not been at a hospital.
Having said that statistically this is a massive outlier and you are perfectly safe using a midwife or whatever most of the time. It is just that for it is worth the price of being at a hospital.
Agreeing with this 100% (and the statistical outlier part especially).
A family member is a midwife, and she is able to do home births, and has some sort of relationship with the local hospitals so she can practice there as well. The vast majority of the time, everything goes perfectly or just needs a little prodding to be alright. Childbirth is something humans have been doing for millennia, and with the skills of modern doulas, midwives, doctors, and nurses, etc, nearly every situation could be handled at home. However, in the rare, rare, rare, instance where something goes horrifically wrong, already being in a hospital is often what ends up saving the lives of mom and/or baby. Having immediate access to a huge array of implements, monitors, surgical facilities, and expertise can be a life saver.
She also has stories of women who were "labor, meh" and since it was a boring, uneventful birth with a screaming infant appearing at the end, that's about all that was notable.
Posted by my sis on facebook. Kayla updates are always a pleasure.
Daycare called. Kayla picked up a bee. Is screaming crying. They can't find the sting and we aren't sure if she's allergic. Prayers for Kayla please.
2 hours later
The culprit. The thumb. We are going to survive.
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DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
I used to stomp around the field at my daycare when I was a wee baby and if I squished a bee I'd pick it up and put it in an empty chip bag or ziplock bag and give it to my teacher at the end of recess
she called it the bee quota
also that's how I discovered I wasn't allergic to bees on several different occasions
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FishmanPut your goddamned hand in the goddamned Box of Pain.Registered Userregular
edited August 2014
I am allergic to bees and when I got stung aged 2-3 my leg swelling was so bad and lasted so long that I had to learn to walk again afterward as a toddler.
We did circumcision. I can't really explain why except that in my whole life I only knew one person who wasn't so it felt like I should just go that route too. I know that there are huge, very passionate arguments on not doing it vs doing it, but in the end it was just that for the wieners I had known in my life it was the norm so I went with it...shallow reasoning I know and I'd never try to defend my train of thought in a D&D thread and please, please don't think less of me as a parent.
I actually feel bad when the arguments come up because I feel like I should have this well thought out reason why we did it, and the anti-circumcision people make you feel like you cut off your kid's ears with no good reason. There are so many decisions and arguments when you're expecting, in the end this particular decision came down to what we knew and were comfortable with so we went with it.
If you do decide to it should be pointed out that some hospitals/insurances consider it to be cosmetic surgery and therefore will not cover it under insurance and won't bill you for it, so you would have to pay out of pocket prior to the procedure.
Edit: Just to add, there was no religious reasoning for ours.
I did the same thing. I thought about it a lot during the pregnancy, but in the end it was really just a matter of what I was used to.
Also, I kind of see my penis as the gold standard that all penises should try to live up to, so if I could help at least one person in that quest I felt it my duty to do so.
From your post I assume first child and that you're not going straight for by-choice elective cesarean.
I second and third everyone else that you need to support your wife in what she wants to do. If she is asking for options through you or is receptive to your research, secondly you two need to do what you feel comfortable with and what you feel safe doing. The hidden super precedent option is whatever is dictated by the circumstances of the pregnancy - i.e. if it turns out there are health concerns later on. But, for a normal, healthy pregnancy, first priority is what she wants, second is what the two of you are comfortable with.
The third is trying to do what you can to avoid having a c-section. Here's why.
Having a c-section has risks for the mother from the actual surgery itself. There are risks to any birth, and the really bad c-section complications are, thankfully, rare, but there are more mundane things like increased recovery time, needing gonzo pain medication, possible trouble breastfeeding, etc. More importantly are what having a c-section means for every subsequent pregnancy a woman ever has. A c-section scar carries with it an increased chance of certain complications like uterine rupture and placenta accreta (where the placenta grows too far into the uterine wall or even out of the uterus). Having a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) is a safe and recommended thing to do for most people. But most of the U.S. and some other countries spent a long time thinking that it was too dangerous (or there was too much liability) to do it, and while attitudes and recommendations have changed a lot in the past ten years, there are still hospitals around the country that ban the attempt of VBAC or require strict and often detrimental practices "just in case." And with each c-section the risks they cause go up.
When I was pregnant the first time I had a "it won't happen to me" attitude. But with the c-section rate in the U.S. is so high hospital childbirth classes should start telling groups on the first day to "look to your right. Look to your left. One of you is going to have a c-section." For a first childbirth the most important ways to avoid an unnecessary surgery is to 1. educate yourself to become more familiar with what happens during a normal childbirth 2. resist induction and be at peace with the fact that it is very common for a first baby to go overdue 3. try to go as intervention free as possible 4. do NOT let a doctor ever tell your wife that she should induce or schedule surgery because the baby is going to be "too big."
If you can afford a doula and find one you're comfortable with they can be great. It's always a good idea to have someone there who has been through this rodeo before, because no matter how much you educate yourself it's really hard to understand it until you've done it. A friend or relative who has given birth can be good, but the great thing about a good doula is she has seen so many different births. And there have been some studies that have shown moms who have a doula have a lower c-section rate.
I'm sorry to get on my "avoid a c-section" soapbox. My first child was born via c-section 11 years ago. His birth was incredibly traumatic for me. It has been more than a decade and I can still get upset about it. I had to fight to have my second child vaginally. I chose having my third at home to get away from having to fight. I know lots of people have to have c-sections, or choose to have c-sections, or maybe their c-section wasn't strictly necessary and they just don't care. They're fine with it. But it just hurts in the pit of my stomach to think of any other woman having to experience what I experienced. And nothing makes me feel sicker than the big baby card. All of my babies were over ten pounds. The baby I had at home was over twelve pounds. Maybe not everyone can push out a twelve pound baby, but few people even have babies near that size. I just believe that most of the time a woman's body is not going to grow a baby it can't birth.
Oh, and I have three boys, all uncut. I believe in not circumcising, but just to warn you, it isn't over when you decide not to have it done at birth. More and more U.S. boys are staying intact, but you'll have to deal with nurses and doctors who don't know what to do with an uncut boy, or what is normal for one. Especially if they don't retract early. I've been taking my boys to the same pediatrician for eleven years and last month he retracted my son's foreskin. You just don't do that. You're supposed to leave it alone and wait until the boy retracts it on his own. He had only just turned two. He has never done that to any of my boys, ever. I couldn't believe it. I'm so glad my son didn't appear to be hurt by it. And if your kid has problems, well, I have actually been told by a urologist that we should circumcise first and ask questions later.
On the c-section side of things we did have one (man, we did everything wrong I think!). It wasn't an emergency one but my wife's blood pressure was out of control. We had been in the hospital about 24 hours with a combination of random contractions and constant, like every 30 minute, monitoring of her BP. She was already over-exhausted, but now had no sleep to go with that. They asked us what we wanted to do - we could give it until that evening with the understanding if nothing changed and her BP didn't reduce that an emergency c-section was a very real possibility and put her health at risk. We made the very tough decision to do the non-emergency c-section but in the end we're happy we did. We had already struggled with infertility and were considered a high risk pregnancy (like doctor visits every one or two weeks the entire time), I think an emergency surgery would have just been the last stressor needed for a complete mental breakdown for at least one of us.
One side effect of c-section that I will admit to liking was that it puts a lot more on the father for the first few weeks while she recovers. It was a pretty good "trial by fire" to really push me into dad mode and get comfortable caring for Luke. Of course, the biggest challenge then was getting my wife to slow down and not overextend herself (hint: I failed at that).
On breast feeding - again we did this one wrong by many people. We knew my wife had to work after the 6 week leave. She was a teacher in a difficult resource room at an elementary school - they were the room that is a last step before group home for kids. Padded room, restraining kids daily, biting, always needing two adults in the room at any time, etc. Although we understood legally that her school would have to accommodate, she felt that pumping and feeding and leaking just logistically wasn't going to work out so we decided to go formula. I let her make that call as it was her job, her boobs, etc.
It's funny, explaining these decisions makes me feel slightly bad as I know that current logic is the opposite of what we did but in the end we have a relatively issue-free, well-adjusted kid to the point other people trust us with their kid months at a time so I guess it worked out in the end.
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FortyTwostrongest man in the world The Land of Pleasant Living Registered Userregular
Wow, thank you for all the information and opinions guys.
I am, of course, supporting my wife in whatever she chooses to do. She is comfortable with her OB, and the hospital we will be using. It helps that some good friends of ours just had their first child through virtually the same people and were very happy with it.
I know the wife is still up in the air about pain meds, but that will likely become more clear as we go forward, I put this out to you all hoping to learn from experiences and recommendations - you guys did not disappoint.
I am probably not going to have my son circumcised, like many of you I just can't really justify it absent the religious motivations.
Now, to the next quandary, we are going to do cloth diapering (bumgenius - love their stuff) Looking forward to saving a lot of diaper money in the long run. Anyone here try/ doing that?
El SkidThe frozen white northRegistered Userregular
edited August 2014
We did a hybrid approach to diapering.
For around the house, we used cloth diapers exclusively. When we went out, we switched into disposable mode. It worked okay for us, but it doesn't really have the advantages of either pure method- it didnt save us money, because we had the initial outlay of the cloth but still had to buy disposables. It helped the environment a bit... but not a lot. We still had to do dirty diaper laundry...just not quite as much.
Mostly we just didn't have to carry soiled cloth diapers around all day if we went out. Not sure it was worth doing it that way, but it did get us through that period in tact and with a healthy child...
My wife is due in a week, and she's going to take the "let's see" approach to pain meds, because while you can say you don't want them, you may need them. I know my Mom had pain meds with my sister and I, and we're generally ok. The main thing is to not get the epidural too early, as it can slow down labor.
Most of what I would say has been said.
Just one more thing: lactation consultant.
If your hospital offers access to one, great. Some offer lactation help from nurses, who generally do a great job, but they are nurses first and foremost. They don't necessarily have the time to give the help you may need.
The baby may just naturally feed like a champ with no help. My first was really easy. But with my second baby (16 years later, so I didn't remember what I did with the first) I had some problems. Not enough to not nurse. But I did need help, and probably called the lactation consultant later than I should have.
The main thing to remember is that you can plan all you want, but sometimes things happen that you can't control for. Your wife is not a failure if things go off-script, and may need reassurances.
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
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El SkidThe frozen white northRegistered Userregular
We had an interesting time with the hospital nurses and lactation advice.
We had issues with breastfeeding at first- baby wasn't getting enough milk, lost bodyweight originally, and it was pretty traumatic.
We had what felt like 8 different nurses stop by, each with different (and often conflicting) advice. "Try this" "What are you doing? No, do it this way!"... eventually one of them hit the right note and things got better, but that was one of the few irritations about the birth experience.
Agreed if you can get a lactation consultant do that!
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FortyTwostrongest man in the world The Land of Pleasant Living Registered Userregular
Most of what I would say has been said.
Just one more thing: lactation consultant.
If your hospital offers access to one, great. Some offer lactation help from nurses, who generally do a great job, but they are nurses first and foremost. They don't necessarily have the time to give the help you may need.
The baby may just naturally feed like a champ with no help. My first was really easy. But with my second baby (16 years later, so I didn't remember what I did with the first) I had some problems. Not enough to not nurse. But I did need help, and probably called the lactation consultant later than I should have.
The main thing to remember is that you can plan all you want, but sometimes things happen that you can't control for. Your wife is not a failure if things go off-script, and may need reassurances.
@FortyTwo cloth diapers fucking rule. We've cloth diapered both of our kids so I have a fountain of trivia that I could vomit up on you, and I will if you'd like it, but for now I'll say that we went from the one size, swap it out every time, kind to the covers and flats and we wish we'd gone covers and flats for both kids. They're cheaper, it's hella nice to swap out just the inside every time the kid pees (10-12 times per day at first), and the covers are bigger than the one-size shells so you'll be able to use them for longer if your kid's on the bigger end of the scale.
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@Lindsey Lohan, ugh, I totally hear you. I NEED me-time. For a solid month Anya was going to bed at 9.30 pm (if we were lucky!) and waking up at 5.30 am. WHAT THE HELL. She's only 2 1/4! Luckily this week we've been managing to get her to fall asleep between 8-9. Anya would be the perfect child were it not for her ridiculous sleep patterns.
So last weekend I hit the 'why the fuck did I think getting pregnant ever again was a good idea' stage. I think the realisation that this incredible nausea/vomiting/fatigue will continue for probably another 20 weeks makes it worse this time around. This weekend I only really felt functional when lying horizontal. Luckily Mori's parents were a huuuge help.
Steam ID: Obos Vent: Obos
However, the injuries that have made her cry and/or produced the biggest, nastiest cuts and bruises have been ones that seem relatively minor at the time.
My wife takes a look at her, walks over, and grabs her arm and shoves a bit, and then the tears start. Apparently her shoulder had become dislocated, and needed to be popped into place.
....I'm super lucky to have married someone who can not only notice shit but take the required steps to fix what she notices.
I think with Luke it's the ones that scared/surprised him that produced the worst reactions. Like when I hit him with the restroom door at the grocery store by mistake (end result: tears and throwing up) or when he fell running to the bathroom with his hands pinned behind him (end result: tears and throwing up in my pants/underwear). If he sees it coming, like falling off a bike or a scratch from an animal, it doesn't seem to be as upsetting.
All she had to do was put a cold water bottle against her arm, but she immediately didn't want to cry anymore. It was like Oh, this serious medical opinion for this minor rug burn I got. I'm all better now.
So adults of SE++ answer me this: natural childbirth, v drugs? Who used a doula? Midwifery? We are leaning towards a straightforward hospital situation.
Also - for the men in the room, how did you handle the circumcision question?
Fortytwo's blog about fatherhood, life, and everything.
Fortytwo's blog about fatherhood, life, and everything.
I actually feel bad when the arguments come up because I feel like I should have this well thought out reason why we did it, and the anti-circumcision people make you feel like you cut off your kid's ears with no good reason. There are so many decisions and arguments when you're expecting, in the end this particular decision came down to what we knew and were comfortable with so we went with it.
If you do decide to it should be pointed out that some hospitals/insurances consider it to be cosmetic surgery and therefore will not cover it under insurance and won't bill you for it, so you would have to pay out of pocket prior to the procedure.
Edit: Just to add, there was no religious reasoning for ours.
My lady wanted to go without pain meds, couldn't either time, so I can't comment on that.
Here's my thoughts:
Natural vs drugs is entirely up to the wife, honestly. Depends entirely on how she wants the experience to go- your job in this ideally is to be supportive of whatever she wants and ready to back her up if she changes her mind (unless she asks you to not let her change her mind, at which point good luck).
We used a doula, and it was an incredibly positive experience. Very knowledgeable, helpful and even took pictures of the delivery (by c-section unfortunately). She was very helpful as far as knowing what questions to ask, what answers we received were negociable etc.
Hospital is the "safe" option. If you have no real risk factors and feel like you want to explore other options feel free to do so if you wish. I don't have anything else to add here as we had basically zero choice due to circumstances.
For circumcision... good luck. I'm so glad I had a girl for this very reason. :P
I didn't use a doula, but honestly (this'll sound crazy to 99% of the population), Mori's mom was as good as a doula. She was seriously so helpful. I might be one of the only women to actually WANT my mother-in-law in the delivery room. If I only had Mori to 'support' me (haha, sorry, but he knows he's not so great when it comes to childbirth) I'd definitely consider a doula.
I'm looking at a midwife/birthing center this time around. However, that's not to say I had a bad experience at our hospital. I had a wonderful midwife there, and I was largely left alone for most of my labour, which suited me. There were a couple of on-call OBs who only came in at the very last second and were very respectful.
What I *didn't* like was the aftercare. And the expense! First of all, someone came to check up on us or perform some kind of test at least every 3 hours. I slept about 3 hours TOTAL the 3 days and 2 nights I was in the hospital! And in the end, the hospital bill was $29k for what amounted to a bare-bones room, and, apart from the epidural, some ibuprofen and stool softeners. I didn't even get free food!
I had an epidural, but largely because I was SO TIRED. And I wonder if I'd not had the pitocin (which I wasn't given much of a choice in), yada yada, whether I'd have been able to rest a little more and avoid the epi.
However... one of my reasons for wanting the birth center this time around is because I laboured really, really well. I had zero complications, a reasonably quick delivery, and no lasting problems. Without the confidence that my body is capable of performing well, I'd want a hospital for security.
EDIT: But it's 100% up to your lady and where she thinks she'd feel comfortable. Regardless of what type of birth she has, I really liked Ina May's Guide to Childbirth for empowering stories.
Circumcision: Now, not a man, so feel free to disregard my comments. However, avoiding all the moral quandaries surrounding circumcision, my main reason for not wanting to circumcise any future boys is that it's medically unnecessary. The US is pretty much the only nation outside of Africa/The Middle East who routinely circumcises baby boys. Most of the world's men manage to keep good hygiene and avoid UTIs without having to be circumcised to do so. I will say, though, that it's REALLY important to find a doctor who is used to handling intact penises if you decide not to circumcise. I've heard more than a few horror stories of boys being forcibly retracted.
Hey, it's your kid, and anyone that wants to jump down your throat about it can jog on, because it's such an ingrained part of society that many many people have no idea that it's literally a worthless thing to do. It achieves nothing. So don't feel bad, it's not like your kid is going to grow up and resent you for it.
we had a petsistent midwife from 18 weeks on, and that consistency made the process really calm and easy, and even through unexpected hiccups like induction we never felt overly intruded upon. my partner was able to give birth without drugs and the benefits of that were vast, but it was only in the knowledge that an epidural was available that she could be confident and relaxed about it all. which was the key thing. i think having a pre-set 'birthplan' is flirting with disaster - sure, make decisions about your preferences, talk about them, but understand in many cases and in many ways it won't happen exactly like that.
I had a midwife-assisted homebirth, which means natural. I would not trade the experience for anything. MANA has released their numbers, and it is a safe option. So if that's something you're open to or even curious about, I'd recommend looking into it. If you live anywhere near where I did when I had my son, I can give you the name of my midwife, who was just amazing. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
No matter what you do though, get a doula.
We had our son circumcised, but we are Jewish. If you're not Jewish, don't do it. I had a pretty hefty internal struggle about it and talked to a lot of people, ultimately deciding on that route. If you do decide to and aren't in the situation where you're going to have a bris, don't do it before he's a week old.
No - I get it. It's probably in the end a cosmetic thing (along with some different cleaning areas or whatever) but it is admittedly one of a ton of decisions you face when having a kid and I don't regret my decision. It does bother me how black and white people make it sound and like we were butchers for choosing to have it done. People can be real assholes when they hear you decided to do what they feel is wrong - we had to have a c-section, we used formula instead of breast feeding, we let the kid sleep with us more nights than we probably should have because he was really crafty about escaping the crib, and yes, we had him circumcised basically due to family tradition on both sides of things. Whether it's right or wrong, if every penis you know of in your circle of friends and family is circumcised it can be hard to be the ones to stop that pattern. I just hate how judgmental people can be on this issue.
Having said that statistically this is a massive outlier and you are perfectly safe using a midwife or whatever most of the time. It is just that for it is worth the price of being at a hospital.
PSN:Furlion
It's going to be a magical/terrifying experience wherever it happens.
Agreeing with this 100% (and the statistical outlier part especially).
A family member is a midwife, and she is able to do home births, and has some sort of relationship with the local hospitals so she can practice there as well. The vast majority of the time, everything goes perfectly or just needs a little prodding to be alright. Childbirth is something humans have been doing for millennia, and with the skills of modern doulas, midwives, doctors, and nurses, etc, nearly every situation could be handled at home. However, in the rare, rare, rare, instance where something goes horrifically wrong, already being in a hospital is often what ends up saving the lives of mom and/or baby. Having immediate access to a huge array of implements, monitors, surgical facilities, and expertise can be a life saver.
She also has stories of women who were "labor, meh" and since it was a boring, uneventful birth with a screaming infant appearing at the end, that's about all that was notable.
Glad your family is ok, furlion!
2 hours later
she called it the bee quota
also that's how I discovered I wasn't allergic to bees on several different occasions
I did the same thing. I thought about it a lot during the pregnancy, but in the end it was really just a matter of what I was used to.
Also, I kind of see my penis as the gold standard that all penises should try to live up to, so if I could help at least one person in that quest I felt it my duty to do so.
From your post I assume first child and that you're not going straight for by-choice elective cesarean.
I second and third everyone else that you need to support your wife in what she wants to do. If she is asking for options through you or is receptive to your research, secondly you two need to do what you feel comfortable with and what you feel safe doing. The hidden super precedent option is whatever is dictated by the circumstances of the pregnancy - i.e. if it turns out there are health concerns later on. But, for a normal, healthy pregnancy, first priority is what she wants, second is what the two of you are comfortable with.
The third is trying to do what you can to avoid having a c-section. Here's why.
When I was pregnant the first time I had a "it won't happen to me" attitude. But with the c-section rate in the U.S. is so high hospital childbirth classes should start telling groups on the first day to "look to your right. Look to your left. One of you is going to have a c-section." For a first childbirth the most important ways to avoid an unnecessary surgery is to 1. educate yourself to become more familiar with what happens during a normal childbirth 2. resist induction and be at peace with the fact that it is very common for a first baby to go overdue 3. try to go as intervention free as possible 4. do NOT let a doctor ever tell your wife that she should induce or schedule surgery because the baby is going to be "too big."
If you can afford a doula and find one you're comfortable with they can be great. It's always a good idea to have someone there who has been through this rodeo before, because no matter how much you educate yourself it's really hard to understand it until you've done it. A friend or relative who has given birth can be good, but the great thing about a good doula is she has seen so many different births. And there have been some studies that have shown moms who have a doula have a lower c-section rate.
I'm sorry to get on my "avoid a c-section" soapbox. My first child was born via c-section 11 years ago. His birth was incredibly traumatic for me. It has been more than a decade and I can still get upset about it. I had to fight to have my second child vaginally. I chose having my third at home to get away from having to fight. I know lots of people have to have c-sections, or choose to have c-sections, or maybe their c-section wasn't strictly necessary and they just don't care. They're fine with it. But it just hurts in the pit of my stomach to think of any other woman having to experience what I experienced. And nothing makes me feel sicker than the big baby card. All of my babies were over ten pounds. The baby I had at home was over twelve pounds. Maybe not everyone can push out a twelve pound baby, but few people even have babies near that size. I just believe that most of the time a woman's body is not going to grow a baby it can't birth.
Oh, and I have three boys, all uncut. I believe in not circumcising, but just to warn you, it isn't over when you decide not to have it done at birth. More and more U.S. boys are staying intact, but you'll have to deal with nurses and doctors who don't know what to do with an uncut boy, or what is normal for one. Especially if they don't retract early. I've been taking my boys to the same pediatrician for eleven years and last month he retracted my son's foreskin. You just don't do that. You're supposed to leave it alone and wait until the boy retracts it on his own. He had only just turned two. He has never done that to any of my boys, ever. I couldn't believe it. I'm so glad my son didn't appear to be hurt by it. And if your kid has problems, well, I have actually been told by a urologist that we should circumcise first and ask questions later.
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One side effect of c-section that I will admit to liking was that it puts a lot more on the father for the first few weeks while she recovers. It was a pretty good "trial by fire" to really push me into dad mode and get comfortable caring for Luke. Of course, the biggest challenge then was getting my wife to slow down and not overextend herself (hint: I failed at that).
On breast feeding - again we did this one wrong by many people. We knew my wife had to work after the 6 week leave. She was a teacher in a difficult resource room at an elementary school - they were the room that is a last step before group home for kids. Padded room, restraining kids daily, biting, always needing two adults in the room at any time, etc. Although we understood legally that her school would have to accommodate, she felt that pumping and feeding and leaking just logistically wasn't going to work out so we decided to go formula. I let her make that call as it was her job, her boobs, etc.
It's funny, explaining these decisions makes me feel slightly bad as I know that current logic is the opposite of what we did but in the end we have a relatively issue-free, well-adjusted kid to the point other people trust us with their kid months at a time so I guess it worked out in the end.
I am, of course, supporting my wife in whatever she chooses to do. She is comfortable with her OB, and the hospital we will be using. It helps that some good friends of ours just had their first child through virtually the same people and were very happy with it.
I know the wife is still up in the air about pain meds, but that will likely become more clear as we go forward, I put this out to you all hoping to learn from experiences and recommendations - you guys did not disappoint.
I am probably not going to have my son circumcised, like many of you I just can't really justify it absent the religious motivations.
Now, to the next quandary, we are going to do cloth diapering (bumgenius - love their stuff) Looking forward to saving a lot of diaper money in the long run. Anyone here try/ doing that?
Fortytwo's blog about fatherhood, life, and everything.
For around the house, we used cloth diapers exclusively. When we went out, we switched into disposable mode. It worked okay for us, but it doesn't really have the advantages of either pure method- it didnt save us money, because we had the initial outlay of the cloth but still had to buy disposables. It helped the environment a bit... but not a lot. We still had to do dirty diaper laundry...just not quite as much.
Mostly we just didn't have to carry soiled cloth diapers around all day if we went out. Not sure it was worth doing it that way, but it did get us through that period in tact and with a healthy child...
Just one more thing: lactation consultant.
If your hospital offers access to one, great. Some offer lactation help from nurses, who generally do a great job, but they are nurses first and foremost. They don't necessarily have the time to give the help you may need.
The baby may just naturally feed like a champ with no help. My first was really easy. But with my second baby (16 years later, so I didn't remember what I did with the first) I had some problems. Not enough to not nurse. But I did need help, and probably called the lactation consultant later than I should have.
The main thing to remember is that you can plan all you want, but sometimes things happen that you can't control for. Your wife is not a failure if things go off-script, and may need reassurances.
We had issues with breastfeeding at first- baby wasn't getting enough milk, lost bodyweight originally, and it was pretty traumatic.
We had what felt like 8 different nurses stop by, each with different (and often conflicting) advice. "Try this" "What are you doing? No, do it this way!"... eventually one of them hit the right note and things got better, but that was one of the few irritations about the birth experience.
Agreed if you can get a lactation consultant do that!
our hospital has them, and we plan on using.
Fortytwo's blog about fatherhood, life, and everything.