100 years late but the thing about the OKCupid 'facts' is they say stuff like that they experimented on a small sample and never say what size it was. Or the demographic. Or how it was selected. I mean people are legit in saying "well maybe this forum's anecdata isn't valid" but without knowing so much of the context that they're intentionally not providing, okc's 'data' verges on being anecdata itself. If their sample was 18-20 year old males who visited x times a day in fucking, 1999, do you think they would get the same results with a random sample of all users in 2017, etc.
Basically do not make the mistake of thinking vaguely interpreted and collected data is an ironclad proof of anything. What you should take away from that is "take good photos" which really means "post photos that look like you give even a single fuck" and what you really should take from THAT particular piece of information is that you would be amazed at how very, very bad a lot of photos on dating sites are
also OKCupid has been around in some format since easily 2001 (sparkmatch holy fuck I'm old, so old) and launched properly in 2004 which was a long long long ass time ago
y'all remember hot or not? and that you could use it as a dating site? is it time for early bird at the buffet yet? where's my walker?
So I went to go visit the lady I was interested in today at work with the intention of telling her that I understood that she wasn't ready for a relationship and that maybe I'm not really ready for one either.
She left soon after I got there without me getting to speak to her, ostensibly because something was wrong with her mom. I told her that I hoped her mom would be alright; she didn't say anything, but looked kind of annoyed.
After she left a co-worker that had been hanging out with her recently took me aside. They told me that they think the lady I'm interested in really does like me but is afraid to get me involved with her family issues. Allegedly her mom (who she lives with, btw) has some kind of bad behavioral disorder that's been getting worse lately. The co-worker said that if I really care about her then I should try to be a friend that she can rely on and that maybe something will develop between us eventually.
I guess I accidentally picked relationship hard mode.
I hope you're not interested in being her friend because you expect/hope that she'll want to be in a relationship with you later as a result.
Be a friend for her first with no expectations.
+17
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webguy20I spend too much time on the InternetRegistered Userregular
also OKCupid has been around in some format since easily 2001 (sparkmatch holy fuck I'm old, so old) and launched properly in 2004 which was a long long long ass time ago
y'all remember hot or not? and that you could use it as a dating site? is it time for early bird at the buffet yet? where's my walker?
I had some great dates from Sparkmatch. That was a fun site.
And my friends are already taking bets on how I fuck this up. Given that we're are seeing a movie the current consensus is "Gus doesn't like the movie"
Friends are great.
Uh
This seems pretty mean of them
I should throw in the context that my dates have historically ended in disaster. Generally, but not always, out of my control. It's kinda of a running thing. And I'd be lying if I didn't play into the bit with them sometimes.
I can now add flash flooding onto my rather exhaustive list!
+14
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tzeentchlingDoctor of RocksOaklandRegistered Userregular
Are we still posting poetry? Because I went to a choral concert last week where they sang a beautiful poem by Pablo Neruda and I'd love to share it with you all:
Soneto LXXXIX
Cuando yo muera quiero tus manos en mis ojos:
quiero la luz y el trigo de tus manos amadas
pasar una vez más sobre mí su frescura:
sentir la suavidad que cambió mi destino.
Quiero que vivas mientras yo, dormido,
te espero, quiero que tus oídos sigan oyendo el viento,
que huelas el aroma del mar que amamos juntos
y que sigas pisando la arena que pisamos.
Quiero que lo que amo siga vivo
y a ti te amé y canté sobre todas las cosas,
por eso sigue tú floreciendo, florida,
para que alcances todo lo que mi amor te ordena,
para que se pasee mi sombra por tu pelo,
para que así conozcan la razón de mi canto.
Sonnet LXXXIX
When I die, I wish your hands upon my eyes:
I want the light and the wheat of your beloved hands
to pass once more their cool touch over me:
to sense the softness that changed my fate.
I want you to live while I, asleep, await you.
I want your ears to go on hearing the wind.
I want you to smell the sea’s aroma we loved so together,
and to go on walking the sands we walked.
I want what I love to go on living.
And you, whom I loved and sung above all else,
for all that, flourish again, my flower,
so that you reach all that my love orders for you,
so that my shadow is passed through your hair,
so that all can know the reason for my song.
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tzeentchlingDoctor of RocksOaklandRegistered Userregular
Also on an unrelated note, friends with benefits are the best kind of friends. Especially when the friends part is actually really being friends and having fun just hanging out or doing stuff outside of the bedroom.
+1
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Zonugal(He/Him) The Holiday ArmadilloI'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico!Registered Userregular
So I went to go visit the lady I was interested in today at work with the intention of telling her that I understood that she wasn't ready for a relationship and that maybe I'm not really ready for one either.
She left soon after I got there without me getting to speak to her, ostensibly because something was wrong with her mom. I told her that I hoped her mom would be alright; she didn't say anything, but looked kind of annoyed.
After she left a co-worker that had been hanging out with her recently took me aside. They told me that they think the lady I'm interested in really does like me but is afraid to get me involved with her family issues. Allegedly her mom (who she lives with, btw) has some kind of bad behavioral disorder that's been getting worse lately. The co-worker said that if I really care about her then I should try to be a friend that she can rely on and that maybe something will develop between us eventually.
I guess I accidentally picked relationship hard mode.
I hope you're not interested in being her friend because you expect/hope that she'll want to be in a relationship with you later as a result.
Be a friend for her first with no expectations.
Well yeah, of course. I'm just relating what her co-worker said to me.
If I wasn't sincere I would have lost interest in her when I found out she's a smoker. It worries me that she smokes and I wish she'd quit (or at least switch to a vape), but if things are that bad with her home situation I can understand why she wouldn't be keen on trying to quit smoking too right now.
As someone who probably has dysthymia and ADD and has only recently started handling this shit somewhat effectively-- observations and home truths in the context of healthy love. which can apply to oh so many interactions.
Don't go into a relationship to have it fix your problems, or to do anything other than get to know this person better in one way or another.
Find inspiration or comfort, not validation.
Humans are not emotional punching bags or blankies, don't live on pedestals, and exist beyond your interest.
Common hobbies and goals will help for certain kinds of relationships, but aren't a requirement for all.
Expectations and hopes are fine as long as they are clear to yourself and anyone else involved; the ability to edit or compromise as needed particularly helps in the long-term, but sometimes definitive boundaries are best.
Honesty is sharing uncomfortable things that are helpful, and not just shifting burdens to another -- self-awareness included. Tact is golden.
If someone loves (being around) you, don't second-guess their feelings thinking you know The Truth; respect their ability to think for themselves.
If you are subsuming yourself, ignoring your or their problems or aspirations in the hopes of 'keeping happy,' it will eventually bite you in the ass.
Don't settle -- be content, and be mindful.
Patience and forgiveness are priceless gifts, and you don't owe them to anyone but yourself.
but then, what do I know? i'm a bear. i suck the heads off of fish.
anyway that was in draft, i really came to post this Thread Title In Action.
because i reel in my rage every time she strews one of my yarns around the house.
also OKCupid has been around in some format since easily 2001 (sparkmatch holy fuck I'm old, so old) and launched properly in 2004 which was a long long long ass time ago
y'all remember hot or not? and that you could use it as a dating site? is it time for early bird at the buffet yet? where's my walker?
I had some great dates from Sparkmatch. That was a fun site.
I can't speak to dates so much, but I got laid several times via hot or not in college
Also I am at a bar now, which abuts a local theater company. Knitting and drinking a lackluster but acceptable gin & lemonade. There is a projection of the second new MST3K on the wall.
end of outside adventure update:
and then i got a brownie at the bistro i was gonna hang out in, but they were closing, so instead i went across the street and listened to a series of brass bands perform. i sat at a picnic table a bit away from the action 'cause the light was good for knitting and also i wanted to be near people but not necessarily near people, n'awmsayin. and drew in an instructor who was trolling for dancers for his salsa studio? i was sitting and knitting, i don't think my inherent musicality is that blatant, but shrug; he offered me a free month if i showed up, since there are apparently too few women. and later a self-proclaimed groupie of the next band sat down and quickly angled her way into knitting on my project some.
and then i talked to some of the band members about knitting and babies and Star Wars? this is my life.
I forgot that I came in here to say I had a super fantastic date with the young lady who loves cosplay yesterday. Another solid 9 hour, holy shit, how is it 1am suddenly kind of date. I felt like kind of a shlub, she showed up wearing a really lovely long skirt and very nice shoes, I should have at least wore a button down, which I was gonna do but I wore it to work and I walked around for 5 minutes so it smelled like football players had been wrestling in it from a time before people had invented deodorant, sooooo....
A++, super fun, would date again, we both cried watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2.
I forgot that I came in here to say I had a super fantastic date with the young lady who loves cosplay yesterday. Another solid 9 hour, holy shit, how is it 1am suddenly kind of date. I felt like kind of a shlub, she showed up wearing a really lovely long skirt and very nice shoes, I should have at least wore a button down, which I was gonna do but I wore it to work and I walked around for 5 minutes so it smelled like football players had been wrestling in it from a time before people had invented deodorant, sooooo....
A++, super fun, would date again, we both cried watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2.
I miss my ex so much. I spend every day here by myself now. I could do so many things. Watch movies and tv, read books, study math and finally get my ged, start eating better again... so many things. But I don't want to, not by myself. But I am tired of spending so much time in my own head I forget what anything means anymore. I'm not sure I'll ever be anything other than what I am now. Everything I've ever tried I've given up and I'm tired of that. But sometimes I just give in. I go to the darkness I know rather than stumble around stupidly in the light. I've done it for thirty years and have barely achieved anything I've wanted without struggling harder against myself than anything external. I'm always breaking the hearts of the people I love most when I feel like I need to run away and hide.
I just want to be able to change. But after so long how the hell can I? It is totally unrealistic to assume I ever could asty this point. I'm better at cooing with it than I ever have been but coping isn't the extant of what I want. I want to not give in. Especially when it isn't just my feelings on the line.
As someone who probably has dysthymia and ADD and has only recently started handling this shit somewhat effectively-- observations and home truths in the context of healthy love. which can apply to oh so many interactions.
Don't go into a relationship to have it fix your problems, or to do anything other than get to know this person better in one way or another.
Find inspiration or comfort, not validation.
Humans are not emotional punching bags or blankies, don't live on pedestals, and exist beyond your interest.
Common hobbies and goals will help for certain kinds of relationships, but aren't a requirement for all.
Expectations and hopes are fine as long as they are clear to yourself and anyone else involved; the ability to edit or compromise as needed particularly helps in the long-term, but sometimes definitive boundaries are best.
Honesty is sharing uncomfortable things that are helpful, and not just shifting burdens to another -- self-awareness included. Tact is golden.
If someone loves (being around) you, don't second-guess their feelings thinking you know The Truth; respect their ability to think for themselves.
If you are subsuming yourself, ignoring your or their problems or aspirations in the hopes of 'keeping happy,' it will eventually bite you in the ass.
Don't settle -- be content, and be mindful.
Patience and forgiveness are priceless gifts, and you don't owe them to anyone but yourself.
but then, what do I know? i'm a bear. i suck the heads off of fish.
anyway that was in draft, i really came to post this Thread Title In Action. http://i.imgur.com/KHIdpGj.jpg
because i reel in my rage every time she strews one of my yarns around the house.
I read that as one of your yams at first and was very impressed. And confused.
I miss my ex so much. I spend every day here by myself now. I could do so many things. Watch movies and tv, read books, study math and finally get my ged, start eating better again... so many things. But I don't want to, not by myself. But I am tired of spending so much time in my own head I forget what anything means anymore. I'm not sure I'll ever be anything other than what I am now. Everything I've ever tried I've given up and I'm tired of that. But sometimes I just give in. I go to the darkness I know rather than stumble around stupidly in the light. I've done it for thirty years and have barely achieved anything I've wanted without struggling harder against myself than anything external. I'm always breaking the hearts of the people I love most when I feel like I need to run away and hide.
I just want to be able to change. But after so long how the hell can I? It is totally unrealistic to assume I ever could asty this point. I'm better at cooing with it than I ever have been but coping isn't the extant of what I want. I want to not give in. Especially when it isn't just my feelings on the line.
Sounds like capital D depression, boyo. Possibly with a double side of anxiety. Go see a doctor if you can.
I miss my ex so much. I spend every day here by myself now. I could do so many things. Watch movies and tv, read books, study math and finally get my ged, start eating better again... so many things. But I don't want to, not by myself. But I am tired of spending so much time in my own head I forget what anything means anymore. I'm not sure I'll ever be anything other than what I am now. Everything I've ever tried I've given up and I'm tired of that. But sometimes I just give in. I go to the darkness I know rather than stumble around stupidly in the light. I've done it for thirty years and have barely achieved anything I've wanted without struggling harder against myself than anything external. I'm always breaking the hearts of the people I love most when I feel like I need to run away and hide.
I just want to be able to change. But after so long how the hell can I? It is totally unrealistic to assume I ever could asty this point. I'm better at cooing with it than I ever have been but coping isn't the extant of what I want. I want to not give in. Especially when it isn't just my feelings on the line.
I know how you feel, being alone. That was me last year.
Pick a project, something small, and finish it. Finishing things is a skill, it needs to be practiced and maintained. Get a few successes under your belt and work up to other things.
And without the meds, it will be hard to deal with it. But it can be done. I've been there too, it's really fucking shit, every day, all the time, and there's no explaining it to other people
The thing I always say is this; you can't control how you feel. But you can make yourself get up, and move around, and still do stuff. You have to force yourself to do it, but you can.
Clean your bathroom. Tidy your place. Make your home pristine, and exhaust yourself doing it. That gives a sense of satisfaction and tidies your immediate living space, which I find helps a lot.
I miss my ex so much. I spend every day here by myself now. I could do so many things. Watch movies and tv, read books, study math and finally get my ged, start eating better again... so many things. But I don't want to, not by myself. But I am tired of spending so much time in my own head I forget what anything means anymore. I'm not sure I'll ever be anything other than what I am now. Everything I've ever tried I've given up and I'm tired of that. But sometimes I just give in. I go to the darkness I know rather than stumble around stupidly in the light. I've done it for thirty years and have barely achieved anything I've wanted without struggling harder against myself than anything external. I'm always breaking the hearts of the people I love most when I feel like I need to run away and hide.
I just want to be able to change. But after so long how the hell can I? It is totally unrealistic to assume I ever could asty this point. I'm better at cooing with it than I ever have been but coping isn't the extant of what I want. I want to not give in. Especially when it isn't just my feelings on the line.
I totally get this. It's what was getting me down last week; the uncertainty with my lady friend was just the trigger.
I feel like most of my life has been determined by my anxiety. If it weren't for my social anxiety I'd have made more friends, had more life experiences, been able to put my own life in perspective with others, gotten a better idea of how the world works and how to best fit into it, be better equipped to talk casually with co-workers and acquaintances instead of being nervous, etcetera. I'll be twenty-nine this October and thirty next year, so I definitely understand the feeling that it's too late to change.
I think I've at least made some progress, but there are still times where I'll be in a store around other people that I'm not even obligated to talk to and, for whatever reason, I'll feel panicky the entire time and not understand why (especially since sometimes I'll go into these same stores and feel fine). When I visit my friend at work I'm also making an intentional effort to talk to her co-workers more to try and make myself feel more comfortable talking to people. Depending on how I perceive the co-worker I can either feel slightly nervous or be rattled enough that I have a nervously clenched fist hidden in my pocket, but I'm still making an effort.
Another thing with me personally is that I've wanted to be an artist for a long time but frequently feel too intimidated to enjoy drawing like I used to. I'm okay drawing on loose paper or scraps of cardboard, but when it comes to drawing in a sketchbook I begin to panic as soon as I think about it. I feel like sketchbooks should be full of expertly crafted drawings, and the thought of making even one errant mark is enough to make my heart race and my palms sweat. I know it's absurd; a sketchbook too precious to draw in is worthless, and I have multiple friends who are actually professional artists who I know for a fact have messy, imperfect drawings in their sketchbooks.
A big thing with anxiety I've noticed, at least the way that it manifests in my life, is that it makes you hyper-focused on yourself and your negative experiences. You disregard your own positive experiences and seldom consider the experiences of others. You think about how far you have to go but not how far you've come, which only stalls your progress and reinforces your anxiety. You chronically worry about making a social faux pas in front of people that otherwise you'd never even pay attention to. Things like that.
My understanding is that anxiety is similar to a reflex. There's a good book on the concept called "Capture: Unraveling the Mystery of Mental Suffering" by David Kessler that I recommend.
I'd probably offer the opposite advice. I was pretty intimidated by drawing, and had to do it for my degree. Things that boosted my confidence:
- Get an A5 size sketchbook, something cheap, so you don't feel its fancy and you can scribble in it. You also don't have a vast space to fill.
- Use pen to draw, don't do pencil lines, just go with it. The mark is permanent and you don't spend hours agonising over getting it right.
- If you make a mistake just keep going, keep going until you've drawn it all.
- If you're taking too long draw without taking your pen off the page.
- Don't get bogged down in details.
- If using pencil, use a really thick, soft pencil and don't rub out. This way you do fewer details and its looser. You need to relax.
No one else ever has to see what you draw. Doing the above really boosted my confidence. I still can't draw for shit, but I've improved a lot. What used to intimidate me I now do for fun.
My immediate urge would be to snap at everyone trying to give me thoughtful advice here from last night.
But there really isn't any good reason to do that. you are just trying to help. It just isn't anything anyone is able to help with. Maybe some kind of medicine would help. Maybe someday my regular therapy will finally help. Maybe I'll finally find something to do that gives me any sense of satisfaction at all.
But in my whole life I've done little to nothing that I've felt satisfied with and no amount of help from other people or pharmaceuticals have made enough of a difference for more than about 6 months. I don't see any way that's going to change after 30 years and I certainly can't force myself to do anything more. If that were the case I would have already.
I am probably just going to drift through life like this for the rest of it. There just isn't anything that can be done sometimes.
My immediate urge would be to snap at everyone trying to give me thoughtful advice here from last night.
But there really isn't any good reason to do that. you are just trying to help. It just isn't anything anyone is able to help with. Maybe some kind of medicine would help. Maybe someday my regular therapy will finally help. Maybe I'll finally find something to do that gives me any sense of satisfaction at all.
But in my whole life I've done little to nothing that I've felt satisfied with and no amount of help from other people or pharmaceuticals have made enough of a difference for more than about 6 months. I don't see any way that's going to change after 30 years and I certainly can't force myself to do anything more. If that were the case I would have already.
I am probably just going to drift through life like this for the rest of it. There just isn't anything that can be done sometimes.
That's probably really hard. And while I've never been depressed, (my thing is anxiety,) I imagine that hearing us probably feels like Allie Brosh's dead fish analogy.
The fact that you've spent 30 years trying to to get better is commendable. And I'm happy you've kept trying.
And without the meds, it will be hard to deal with it. But it can be done. I've been there too, it's really fucking shit, every day, all the time, and there's no explaining it to other people
The thing I always say is this; you can't control how you feel. But you can make yourself get up, and move around, and still do stuff. You have to force yourself to do it, but you can.
Clean your bathroom. Tidy your place. Make your home pristine, and exhaust yourself doing it. That gives a sense of satisfaction and tidies your immediate living space, which I find helps a lot.
This is all true, but something as basic as 'tidy your place' can feel impossible when you're depressed.
When I was dealing with that shit I came up with what I call my Three Things method. If I knew I needed to clean or do chores but I had let everything build up and it all felt insurmountable, I'd make myself just do three things. On good days that might be wash dishes, do laundry, buy groceries. On bad days it was stack plates in a pile instead of having them all around the room, pick up some socks from the floor, and open the curtains.
No matter how small each thing was if I did the 3 I would feel like I'd at least made some progress. And because I allowed the things to be as tiny as they needed depending on my mood I would always find something that was possible. And then maybe later that day when I could hack it I would do three more.
I still use it to this day, when I go through bad phases.
i get it. hells, i'm currently in a slump, still trying to find methods that make an acceptable difference. so know that i'm not dismissing the difficulties you're carrying. i'm a little anxious that i'm going to come off as patronizing, but y'all know i'm super-earnest.
dysthymia hasn't really been studied well, despite having been a shared psychological concept since the 70s.
one way my therapist puts it is that everyone has setbacks. the hard part for people with anxiety or depression is remembering that those setbacks are normal, and to take baby steps to re-establish good habits instead of 'should-ing' on themselves when they forget or struggle.
it helps to have reminders of these things, though yes, ultimately it is your responsibility. but having people to keep you accountable is a good reality check against the negative self-talk, roadblocks and hopelessness that depression perpetuates itself on.
for people with dysthymia (or cyclothymia), we need obvious red flags, and reassurance that we do live in cycles -- our norm is lower than a neurotypical person's, but the swings aren't as extreme as someone with bipolar, so it's especially challenging to realize when we backslide.
i'll be 35 in a month. i realized i had depression about 8 years ago, and took the most hesitant, sidling approach on it for a couple years. a panic attack got me back in regular therapy until we moved, but then cue another 3 1/2 years of intermittent struggling on my own. i see the roots of depression even further back, i was just able to name it in 2009 or so. it can still be exhausting and scary, but it is much easier having established that this is ongoing, and manageable. some people go their whole lives thinking that this is just how everyone sees the world, and never realizing it's not their fault they suffer. it sucks, but i can't take blame or credit for any of my other genetic or personality quirks -- but i can own that it is mine to deal with, and that gives me power. slow, back-sliding progress is still progress.
in practical terms,
get enough sleep -- waking and sleeping at fairly consistent times,
eat, make sure you're getting enough Vitamin D (and other essential nutrients) and eyeballing some nature regularly,
if you drink alcohol, only do so when you're feeling happy (not to try and drown your sorrows), watch how caffeine affects you,
spend some low-key time near other people, and carve out time for meditation.
if you can manage it, exercise helps with endorphins, makes it easier to feel energized (gotta use it to make it), and will help with establishing sleep. i do best with some classes, some are better solo.
-- make routines to give yourself guidelines, but not so strict that you feel guilt for changes or trapped by expectation. a healthy baseline to work on the even harder stuff.
it doesn't work for everyone, but i had some success when a doc prescribed me with tinctures of St. John's Wort, along with 15 minutes of sunshine daily. i didn't have insurance, and the clinic didn't carry SJW besides, but it tickled me that he handed me a scrip. SAM-e helped with anxiety. i didn't try both together because like i said... intermittent experimentation on my own. i'm going to try acupuncture on Tuesday! it's supposed to have preliminary studies backing it for treating ADD, anxiety and depression, but it's worth a shot just for physical benefits. i'd like to justify massage as a regular thing, but i'm not quite there.
it is never too late to change. i'm not blaming anyone for doing so, but shaming yourself for not changing only reinforces negative attitudes and habits. patience, challenging yourself to overcome, being gentle and honest with yourself... it's worth it. everyone has their own rhythm.
a regular schedule with a therapist is such a huge thing, if i could afford nothing else, that would be my one 'luxury' mental health expenditure. the more people talk about it, the easier it is to overturn the stigma, and realize how many others are willing to assist, and capable of it. i suggest looking into mindfulness; i am loving MBCT as a modality, and while it helps a lot to have a counselor, it's a method that you can practice on your own. don't rag on yourself for getting tired or distracted. but keep picking yourself up afterward.
You are completely free to disregard this too, but if you do decide to pick up a new hobby to use as a depression-weapon, based on what you've written here, picking something that produces physical objects might be a more effective weapon of choice than something like hiking.
One of the reasons I liked knitting is because you can see the physical stitches you're making, and you have NO idea if you're doing a decent job when you start out. So when I knit, I can see that I have done a thing, made progress, and a physical object is forming in front of me. But there wasn't that "this sucks, I suck at this, why can't I do this simple thing, I fail at everything," feeling that tends to happen when I do other things. Because I didn't understand anything beyond "this is a stitch, I am making it, the thing on my needles is slightly bigger."
And my friends are already taking bets on how I fuck this up. Given that we're are seeing a movie the current consensus is "Gus doesn't like the movie"
Friends are great.
Uh
This seems pretty mean of them
I should throw in the context that my dates have historically ended in disaster. Generally, but not always, out of my control. It's kinda of a running thing. And I'd be lying if I didn't play into the bit with them sometimes.
I can now add flash flooding onto my rather exhaustive list!
So. We both braved the storms and had a great time and will be going out again soon.
That's not what I'm hear to talk about. I'm here to talk about the three simultaneous bachelorette parties at the first bar we attempted to meet up at. A bachelorette walked up to me and asked me to dance. I politely declined to which she immediately responded with FUCK YOU GOD and then she fell over on me. Another bachelorette tripped and nearly knocked me off my stool. And then a bachelor party composed almost entirely of old college friends strolled in and started sharing embarrassing college stories not really understanding the context of my situation.
Which flash floods and murderous bachelorettes makes this a fairly mild date for me in all reality.
Posts
Basically do not make the mistake of thinking vaguely interpreted and collected data is an ironclad proof of anything. What you should take away from that is "take good photos" which really means "post photos that look like you give even a single fuck" and what you really should take from THAT particular piece of information is that you would be amazed at how very, very bad a lot of photos on dating sites are
so bad
bad
y'all remember hot or not? and that you could use it as a dating site? is it time for early bird at the buffet yet? where's my walker?
I hope you're not interested in being her friend because you expect/hope that she'll want to be in a relationship with you later as a result.
Be a friend for her first with no expectations.
I had some great dates from Sparkmatch. That was a fun site.
Origin ID: Discgolfer27
Untappd ID: Discgolfer1981
I can now add flash flooding onto my rather exhaustive list!
Soneto LXXXIX
Cuando yo muera quiero tus manos en mis ojos:
quiero la luz y el trigo de tus manos amadas
pasar una vez más sobre mí su frescura:
sentir la suavidad que cambió mi destino.
Quiero que vivas mientras yo, dormido,
te espero, quiero que tus oídos sigan oyendo el viento,
que huelas el aroma del mar que amamos juntos
y que sigas pisando la arena que pisamos.
Quiero que lo que amo siga vivo
y a ti te amé y canté sobre todas las cosas,
por eso sigue tú floreciendo, florida,
para que alcances todo lo que mi amor te ordena,
para que se pasee mi sombra por tu pelo,
para que así conozcan la razón de mi canto.
When I die, I wish your hands upon my eyes:
I want the light and the wheat of your beloved hands
to pass once more their cool touch over me:
to sense the softness that changed my fate.
I want you to live while I, asleep, await you.
I want your ears to go on hearing the wind.
I want you to smell the sea’s aroma we loved so together,
and to go on walking the sands we walked.
I want what I love to go on living.
And you, whom I loved and sung above all else,
for all that, flourish again, my flower,
so that you reach all that my love orders for you,
so that my shadow is passed through your hair,
so that all can know the reason for my song.
Uh oh, you're a wizard now.
You've adopted a familiar, it's too late to go back now.
Well yeah, of course. I'm just relating what her co-worker said to me.
If I wasn't sincere I would have lost interest in her when I found out she's a smoker. It worries me that she smokes and I wish she'd quit (or at least switch to a vape), but if things are that bad with her home situation I can understand why she wouldn't be keen on trying to quit smoking too right now.
I wish I could offer to help her now in some way.
- Don't go into a relationship to have it fix your problems, or to do anything other than get to know this person better in one way or another.
- Find inspiration or comfort, not validation.
- Humans are not emotional punching bags or blankies, don't live on pedestals, and exist beyond your interest.
- Common hobbies and goals will help for certain kinds of relationships, but aren't a requirement for all.
- Expectations and hopes are fine as long as they are clear to yourself and anyone else involved; the ability to edit or compromise as needed particularly helps in the long-term, but sometimes definitive boundaries are best.
- Honesty is sharing uncomfortable things that are helpful, and not just shifting burdens to another -- self-awareness included. Tact is golden.
- If someone loves (being around) you, don't second-guess their feelings thinking you know The Truth; respect their ability to think for themselves.
- If you are subsuming yourself, ignoring your or their problems or aspirations in the hopes of 'keeping happy,' it will eventually bite you in the ass.
- Don't settle -- be content, and be mindful.
- Patience and forgiveness are priceless gifts, and you don't owe them to anyone but yourself.
but then, what do I know? i'm a bear. i suck the heads off of fish.anyway that was in draft, i really came to post this Thread Title In Action.
because i reel in my rage every time she strews one of my yarns around the house.
This is he only kind of love I've ever wanted.
I can't speak to dates so much, but I got laid several times via hot or not in college
end of outside adventure update:
and then i got a brownie at the bistro i was gonna hang out in, but they were closing, so instead i went across the street and listened to a series of brass bands perform. i sat at a picnic table a bit away from the action 'cause the light was good for knitting and also i wanted to be near people but not necessarily near people, n'awmsayin. and drew in an instructor who was trolling for dancers for his salsa studio? i was sitting and knitting, i don't think my inherent musicality is that blatant, but shrug; he offered me a free month if i showed up, since there are apparently too few women. and later a self-proclaimed groupie of the next band sat down and quickly angled her way into knitting on my project some.
and then i talked to some of the band members about knitting and babies and Star Wars? this is my life.
Luuuucky
A++, super fun, would date again, we both cried watching Guardians of the Galaxy 2.
I'm missing the reaction button for "dropped my phone on the table, buried my head in my hands and said 'noooo' quietly".
Must be nice to have that movie available.
I miss my ex so much. I spend every day here by myself now. I could do so many things. Watch movies and tv, read books, study math and finally get my ged, start eating better again... so many things. But I don't want to, not by myself. But I am tired of spending so much time in my own head I forget what anything means anymore. I'm not sure I'll ever be anything other than what I am now. Everything I've ever tried I've given up and I'm tired of that. But sometimes I just give in. I go to the darkness I know rather than stumble around stupidly in the light. I've done it for thirty years and have barely achieved anything I've wanted without struggling harder against myself than anything external. I'm always breaking the hearts of the people I love most when I feel like I need to run away and hide.
I just want to be able to change. But after so long how the hell can I? It is totally unrealistic to assume I ever could asty this point. I'm better at cooing with it than I ever have been but coping isn't the extant of what I want. I want to not give in. Especially when it isn't just my feelings on the line.
I read that as one of your yams at first and was very impressed. And confused.
Sounds like capital D depression, boyo. Possibly with a double side of anxiety. Go see a doctor if you can.
I know how you feel, being alone. That was me last year.
Pick a project, something small, and finish it. Finishing things is a skill, it needs to be practiced and maintained. Get a few successes under your belt and work up to other things.
Oh Uriel is the one with Rx problems? My mistake.
I thought it got worked out.
that's when you're a viking
And without the meds, it will be hard to deal with it. But it can be done. I've been there too, it's really fucking shit, every day, all the time, and there's no explaining it to other people
The thing I always say is this; you can't control how you feel. But you can make yourself get up, and move around, and still do stuff. You have to force yourself to do it, but you can.
Clean your bathroom. Tidy your place. Make your home pristine, and exhaust yourself doing it. That gives a sense of satisfaction and tidies your immediate living space, which I find helps a lot.
I totally get this. It's what was getting me down last week; the uncertainty with my lady friend was just the trigger.
I feel like most of my life has been determined by my anxiety. If it weren't for my social anxiety I'd have made more friends, had more life experiences, been able to put my own life in perspective with others, gotten a better idea of how the world works and how to best fit into it, be better equipped to talk casually with co-workers and acquaintances instead of being nervous, etcetera. I'll be twenty-nine this October and thirty next year, so I definitely understand the feeling that it's too late to change.
I think I've at least made some progress, but there are still times where I'll be in a store around other people that I'm not even obligated to talk to and, for whatever reason, I'll feel panicky the entire time and not understand why (especially since sometimes I'll go into these same stores and feel fine). When I visit my friend at work I'm also making an intentional effort to talk to her co-workers more to try and make myself feel more comfortable talking to people. Depending on how I perceive the co-worker I can either feel slightly nervous or be rattled enough that I have a nervously clenched fist hidden in my pocket, but I'm still making an effort.
Another thing with me personally is that I've wanted to be an artist for a long time but frequently feel too intimidated to enjoy drawing like I used to. I'm okay drawing on loose paper or scraps of cardboard, but when it comes to drawing in a sketchbook I begin to panic as soon as I think about it. I feel like sketchbooks should be full of expertly crafted drawings, and the thought of making even one errant mark is enough to make my heart race and my palms sweat. I know it's absurd; a sketchbook too precious to draw in is worthless, and I have multiple friends who are actually professional artists who I know for a fact have messy, imperfect drawings in their sketchbooks.
A big thing with anxiety I've noticed, at least the way that it manifests in my life, is that it makes you hyper-focused on yourself and your negative experiences. You disregard your own positive experiences and seldom consider the experiences of others. You think about how far you have to go but not how far you've come, which only stalls your progress and reinforces your anxiety. You chronically worry about making a social faux pas in front of people that otherwise you'd never even pay attention to. Things like that.
My understanding is that anxiety is similar to a reflex. There's a good book on the concept called "Capture: Unraveling the Mystery of Mental Suffering" by David Kessler that I recommend.
- Get an A5 size sketchbook, something cheap, so you don't feel its fancy and you can scribble in it. You also don't have a vast space to fill.
- Use pen to draw, don't do pencil lines, just go with it. The mark is permanent and you don't spend hours agonising over getting it right.
- If you make a mistake just keep going, keep going until you've drawn it all.
- If you're taking too long draw without taking your pen off the page.
- Don't get bogged down in details.
- If using pencil, use a really thick, soft pencil and don't rub out. This way you do fewer details and its looser. You need to relax.
No one else ever has to see what you draw. Doing the above really boosted my confidence. I still can't draw for shit, but I've improved a lot. What used to intimidate me I now do for fun.
Pfft. Disagree.
But there really isn't any good reason to do that. you are just trying to help. It just isn't anything anyone is able to help with. Maybe some kind of medicine would help. Maybe someday my regular therapy will finally help. Maybe I'll finally find something to do that gives me any sense of satisfaction at all.
But in my whole life I've done little to nothing that I've felt satisfied with and no amount of help from other people or pharmaceuticals have made enough of a difference for more than about 6 months. I don't see any way that's going to change after 30 years and I certainly can't force myself to do anything more. If that were the case I would have already.
I am probably just going to drift through life like this for the rest of it. There just isn't anything that can be done sometimes.
Yeah Liiya you drew something quality this very week
Do not put yourself down!
Thank you my friend
now my face is red.
That's probably really hard. And while I've never been depressed, (my thing is anxiety,) I imagine that hearing us probably feels like Allie Brosh's dead fish analogy.
The fact that you've spent 30 years trying to to get better is commendable. And I'm happy you've kept trying.
This is all true, but something as basic as 'tidy your place' can feel impossible when you're depressed.
When I was dealing with that shit I came up with what I call my Three Things method. If I knew I needed to clean or do chores but I had let everything build up and it all felt insurmountable, I'd make myself just do three things. On good days that might be wash dishes, do laundry, buy groceries. On bad days it was stack plates in a pile instead of having them all around the room, pick up some socks from the floor, and open the curtains.
No matter how small each thing was if I did the 3 I would feel like I'd at least made some progress. And because I allowed the things to be as tiny as they needed depending on my mood I would always find something that was possible. And then maybe later that day when I could hack it I would do three more.
I still use it to this day, when I go through bad phases.
dysthymia hasn't really been studied well, despite having been a shared psychological concept since the 70s.
one way my therapist puts it is that everyone has setbacks. the hard part for people with anxiety or depression is remembering that those setbacks are normal, and to take baby steps to re-establish good habits instead of 'should-ing' on themselves when they forget or struggle.
for people with dysthymia (or cyclothymia), we need obvious red flags, and reassurance that we do live in cycles -- our norm is lower than a neurotypical person's, but the swings aren't as extreme as someone with bipolar, so it's especially challenging to realize when we backslide.
i'll be 35 in a month. i realized i had depression about 8 years ago, and took the most hesitant, sidling approach on it for a couple years. a panic attack got me back in regular therapy until we moved, but then cue another 3 1/2 years of intermittent struggling on my own. i see the roots of depression even further back, i was just able to name it in 2009 or so. it can still be exhausting and scary, but it is much easier having established that this is ongoing, and manageable. some people go their whole lives thinking that this is just how everyone sees the world, and never realizing it's not their fault they suffer. it sucks, but i can't take blame or credit for any of my other genetic or personality quirks -- but i can own that it is mine to deal with, and that gives me power. slow, back-sliding progress is still progress.
in practical terms,
get enough sleep -- waking and sleeping at fairly consistent times,
eat, make sure you're getting enough Vitamin D (and other essential nutrients) and eyeballing some nature regularly,
if you drink alcohol, only do so when you're feeling happy (not to try and drown your sorrows), watch how caffeine affects you,
spend some low-key time near other people, and carve out time for meditation.
if you can manage it, exercise helps with endorphins, makes it easier to feel energized (gotta use it to make it), and will help with establishing sleep. i do best with some classes, some are better solo.
-- make routines to give yourself guidelines, but not so strict that you feel guilt for changes or trapped by expectation. a healthy baseline to work on the even harder stuff.
it doesn't work for everyone, but i had some success when a doc prescribed me with tinctures of St. John's Wort, along with 15 minutes of sunshine daily. i didn't have insurance, and the clinic didn't carry SJW besides, but it tickled me that he handed me a scrip. SAM-e helped with anxiety. i didn't try both together because like i said... intermittent experimentation on my own. i'm going to try acupuncture on Tuesday! it's supposed to have preliminary studies backing it for treating ADD, anxiety and depression, but it's worth a shot just for physical benefits. i'd like to justify massage as a regular thing, but i'm not quite there.
a regular schedule with a therapist is such a huge thing, if i could afford nothing else, that would be my one 'luxury' mental health expenditure. the more people talk about it, the easier it is to overturn the stigma, and realize how many others are willing to assist, and capable of it. i suggest looking into mindfulness; i am loving MBCT as a modality, and while it helps a lot to have a counselor, it's a method that you can practice on your own. don't rag on yourself for getting tired or distracted. but keep picking yourself up afterward.
One of the reasons I liked knitting is because you can see the physical stitches you're making, and you have NO idea if you're doing a decent job when you start out. So when I knit, I can see that I have done a thing, made progress, and a physical object is forming in front of me. But there wasn't that "this sucks, I suck at this, why can't I do this simple thing, I fail at everything," feeling that tends to happen when I do other things. Because I didn't understand anything beyond "this is a stitch, I am making it, the thing on my needles is slightly bigger."
So. We both braved the storms and had a great time and will be going out again soon.
That's not what I'm hear to talk about. I'm here to talk about the three simultaneous bachelorette parties at the first bar we attempted to meet up at. A bachelorette walked up to me and asked me to dance. I politely declined to which she immediately responded with FUCK YOU GOD and then she fell over on me. Another bachelorette tripped and nearly knocked me off my stool. And then a bachelor party composed almost entirely of old college friends strolled in and started sharing embarrassing college stories not really understanding the context of my situation.
Which flash floods and murderous bachelorettes makes this a fairly mild date for me in all reality.