there is literally no reason whatsoever to tell her. you're obviously headed for a breakup, and rightfully so, and telling her would just make her feel worse.
:^:
All this is true, but telling will help speed up the demise of the relationship, which could be a good thing even if the OP doesn't realize it, or agree. So yeah, go ahead and tell her.
Given the fact that it's a long distance relationship, he's tried to have an open relationship before and he's screwed around with another girl I think he has plenty of good reasons to break up with her without even having to bring up the cheating.
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EncA Fool with CompassionPronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered Userregular
Given the fact that it's a long distance relationship, he's tried to have an open relationship before and he's screwed around with another girl I think he has plenty of good reasons to break up with her without even having to bring up the cheating.
I agree. He allowed himself the opportunity to occur, he already lied to the lady, and everything he posts seems to speak more of his guilt rather than love for the girlfriend.
It's not really a problem of tell or not tell at this point. It's a problem of why the hell is he putting both of them through this apparently drama-heavy, every now and then relationship. If he loves her, and wants to keep her, then why the hell is he 7 hours away from her in the first place? College? Can you get your major at her college or she at yours? Clearly neither of them were willing to compromise on this major decision in their lives, what makes them think they will compromise on future events?
If he loves her, and wants to keep her, then why the hell is he 7 hours away from her in the first place? College? Can you get your major at her college or she at yours? Clearly neither of them were willing to compromise on this major decision in their lives, what makes them think they will compromise on future events?
This is retarded. People have to be apart for a variety of circumstances. You've been watching too many sappy movies.
If he loves her, and wants to keep her, then why the hell is he 7 hours away from her in the first place? College? Can you get your major at her college or she at yours? Clearly neither of them were willing to compromise on this major decision in their lives, what makes them think they will compromise on future events?
This is retarded. People have to be apart for a variety of circumstances. You've been watching too many sappy movies.
So has this whole thread.
EDIT: Seriously OP, I hope you learned your lesson. If you don't think you have, by all means do tell her to really. hammer. it. in.
If he loves her, and wants to keep her, then why the hell is he 7 hours away from her in the first place? College? Can you get your major at her college or she at yours? Clearly neither of them were willing to compromise on this major decision in their lives, what makes them think they will compromise on future events?
This is retarded. People have to be apart for a variety of circumstances. You've been watching too many sappy movies.
Yeah, I mean, some people are set on what college they want to go to for years. College is a major life decision, and honestly shouldn't be effected much by your SO. It's not a matter of whether the OP loved his gf less for going to a college far away. Shit happens and you have to deal with it the best you can with out changing what you as a person dreams of doing with your life. The distance got the best of him, and now he has to do what he thinks is best to alleviate the matter.
Don't tell her. She's not going to suddenly be an incredibly understanding person who sees how you made your error and forgives you. Hell, you just chatted with new girl and your girlfriend demanded you make it up to her (the logic of which I cannot follow). No, she'll break down, feel horrible, you'll feel horrible, the relationship will either end there or be permanently fucked up and end soon after because it's a long-distance relationship with bad feelings.
Keeping it to yourself and feeling guilty IS your punishment. Telling her isn't how you "come clean", it's how you ease the burden off your shoulders and let whatever happens happen because you can't take the guilt anymore. So if you give up and tell her, fine, the relationship will probably end. Or you can just remember you did something fairly not-serious but not a good idea to repeat.
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ChanusHarbinger of the Spicy Rooster ApocalypseThe Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered Userregular
Honestly, sometimes a lie is much, much better than the truth. I am not equating the following situation to this, but to demonstrate.
So, it would have been better to believe the lie and blame your father for the breakup, yet not have a mother to turn to because she didn't want anything to do with you, rather than know the truth and still have a father to turn to?
Don't tell her. She's not going to suddenly be an incredibly understanding person who sees how you made your error and forgives you. Hell, you just chatted with new girl and your girlfriend demanded you make it up to her (the logic of which I cannot follow). No, she'll break down, feel horrible, you'll feel horrible, the relationship will either end there or be permanently fucked up and end soon after because it's a long-distance relationship with bad feelings.
This! Don't forget that as soon as a long distance relationship looses its foundation of 'good faith' it dies, because there is no (or not enough) interaction to build that trust again.
Honestly, sometimes a lie is much, much better than the truth. I am not equating the following situation to this, but to demonstrate.
So, it would have been better to believe the lie and blame your father for the breakup, yet not have a mother to turn to because she didn't want anything to do with you, rather than know the truth and still have a father to turn to?
There's ups and downs to everything, but in the end, yes, the lie was better. It has nothing to do with placing the blame, or have a connection with someone, it has everything to do with being made to feel inadequate as a child of your mother. But that's not the point of why I told this, I told it to show that sometimes, a lie can be better than the truth.
Sorry man, but at the end of the day, everyone's happier by him not telling her. In the end, the consequences of our actions determine whether or not we should make them and whether or not they are the best outcome.
Too bad I'm posting on my iphone, otherwise I would note at greater length that your argument largely consists of emotionally charged nonsense. She will not be happier for decision making agency. He doesn't get to deal with the annoyance and she doesn't get hurt. Everyone is in an emotionally better place.
In the end, the real lesson to fucking up is "don't do it again," not "PAY FOR YOUR SINS, HEATHEN." If you're going to do something wrong, do it right. At this point, damage control is more important than some act of karmic balancing.
EDIT: The way you're phrasing this reminds me of a lot of the hive-mind thinking regarding relationships on this board. You seem to imply that there is always one best solution and one correct answer to any relationship problem (that answer always seems to be "let it burn."). Besides making me suspect the relationship experience of the board, I must remind you that every situation is different.
Going with the edit first: um, yeah, so I'm guessing you've read fucking nothing I've ever written before quoting my post, but if I do have a "one correct answer" it's never "let it burn" but "talk over your specific situation with your significant other." Because really whether I think kissing another girl qualifies as cheating or not? Doesn't fucking matter. By virtue of having fucked the OP, the girlfriend's the one who is supposed to be making judgement calls over how big a deal this is to her and whether she wants to continue dating someone who possibly cheated, depending on her interpretation of the situation.
Addressing the remaining paragraphs in order:
1. "In the end, the consequences of our actions determine whether or not we should make them and whether or not they are the best outcome." The premise behind this argument is that there are only negative consequences to cheating if the cheated-upon party finds out. Which means that it's not necessarily cheating that's somehow ethically wrong, it's letting someone find out you're cheating. Which is part of why I think it's utterly retarded that you're trying to argue about ethics here, but whatevs, it's a free country. Moving on.
2. "She will not be happier for decision making agency. He doesn't get to deal with the annoyance and she doesn't get hurt. Everyone is in an emotionally better place." The premise here is that the best of all possible worlds for the girlfriend is the one in which she is dating the OP. That's a fairly egocentric attitude, so maybe we should all take a minute to remember how completely insignificant we all are in the world: the global population right now is about 6.7 billion people. If we assume that 48% of that population is male, that means there's 3.2 billion men on this spinning chunk of rock -- at least one of whom would probably be willing to date this girl and not do things like pick up women on facebook who are already in relationships to date/make out with. Even if we reduce the available population down to males between the ages of 18 and 25 who live within 50 miles of her, it remains ridiculous for us to unilaterally decide on her part that she wouldn't actually be happier with someone else. She may decide she wants to stay with the OP, but it should be her choice.
Furthermore, having been cheated upon like four girlfriends back or something? Yeah, it sucks. But honestly, not the end of the world. Indeed, I am way happier today with my wife than I ever was with my ex-girlfriend, even before I found out she was cheating, and I owe it all to my ex finally breaking down and confessing. I know a lot of folks here want to think their girlfriends or boyfriends measure their lives into to discreet categories -- "before I started dating my boyfriend, and after" but really finding out that her boyfriend cheated on her is not going to be the worst or most painful thing that has or ever will happen to her. We only imagine that it will be like that to her in our own retardedly-egocentric viewpoints where people define their lives around us.
3. I never said a goddamned thing about karma and sins, and you know it. I said that the girlfriend should be allowed to make her own decisions without having them unilaterally imposed upon her by virtue of not having the information available to make the most rational decision for her. I actually don't give a damn whether or not she dumps the OP -- indeed, I would be surprised if they can't work this out, as all that actually happened was kissing. But it's not my opinion that matters viz. whether her best option is to stay with the OP -- it's hers. She should be allowed to make that decision for herself rather than having it insiduously imposed upon her.
I have always been taught that the truth is better than any lie. Yet I have been caught out in many lies. Sure, you feel better when you've been caught out, but telling the truth isn't a way of "sharing the guilt and the pain".
Do not lie to her. Lying to her (or "valiantly shielding her from The Truth", however you want to put it) is you insulting her intelligence and showing a lack of respect. Presumably, eighteen months into a relationship with her, you have some respect for her (in spite of what you did).
Honestly, sometimes a lie is much, much better than the truth. I am not equating the following situation to this, but to demonstrate.
So, it would have been better to believe the lie and blame your father for the breakup, yet not have a mother to turn to because she didn't want anything to do with you, rather than know the truth and still have a father to turn to?
I don't get this, either. When my parents divorced, my brother and I knew why. It broke my heart and the two of us got screwed around, but the truth is ultimately better. My father never fully owned up to what he did, and I can never forgive him because of that.
I'm going off-topic there, but for pity's sake, visit her and tell her the truth. You made a stupid mistake, and maybe you can make things right, but you can really only do that if A) you want to, and you own up to her.
If you don't want to keep going with your relationship, of course, do whatever the hell you like. I just think lying to someone supposedly important to you is really rather dick-ish.
She's not going to suddenly be an incredibly understanding person who sees how you made your error and forgives you.
She isn't obligated to. There are rules to every relationship. Whether a person thinks those rules are reasonable or not is irrelevant. If she thinks the relationship is worth ending because of what he did that her decision, not his. A relationship isn't something for a single person to dictate what is and isn't acceptable.
Look, he's obviously guilty enough about this to talk about it to 1. the girl he cheated with, 2. his parents and 3. this forum. Regardless if he tells her or not it's going to completely fuck the relationship up. And that's assuming it isn't already messed up, given the fact he previously wanted an open relationship and she is already suspicious of him.
The right thing, in my opinion, in this case is to break up with her. Given that conclusion, I don't need to see any reason at all to tell her that he cheated, especially given there are plenty of other reasons to justify the breakup. All telling her will do in this situation is make her feel inadequate, have trust issues and be even more bitter and angry. If the OP actually cares about this girl, he wouldn't wish those things upon her and they can easily be avoided by just not telling her.
I'd also have to say that trying to stay in the relationship is a poor decision. OP, you're already talking about your girlfriend in the past tense and distantly. She has already questioned your faithfulness and you have already lied to her about it. I could go on, but it's blatantly obvious to me, given what you've said (especially considering your open relationship experiment), that you are in this relationship because you want to be in a relationship, regardless of who the other half of that is.
I could be wrong, but you certainly are making me feel like I'm right.
Wait wait, here's the issue I'm seeing. You knew what was going on so you went for it. Ok. Well now you've decided not to tell her because you want to keep her?
No no, you can't have the cake AND pie here. Tell her or don't, but man, do yourself and her a favor and end it. It'd be one thing if had even put up any sort of resistance to it, but you didn't. Take responsibility for your actions, you can either tell her and hope things work out, keep it to yourself and hope she never finds out (worst situation), or realize you're probably not doing as well in this long distance relationship as you thought and break up and hope you learned your lesson. You're obviously not quite as attached as you thought until after the fact and only now that you know what you stand to lose. My vote goes with robothero on this one.
Also, as a dude in the army currently deployed, I'd be more than a little annoyed if I found out someone else was making out with my girlfriend.
My Dad used to say, "It's better to be right than kind". Being kind would be keeping the truth from her and letting her be emotionally unhurt.
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FalloutGIRL'S DAYWAS PRETTY GOOD WHILE THEY LASTEDRegistered Userregular
edited July 2009
Yes, it's definitely more important to satisfy some vague moral imperative that has no effect on the real world other than assuaging your own guilt than it is to keep your feet on the ground and do what's right for someone you ostensibly care about and have already wronged.
:roll:
Don't twist the damn knife.
Can you imagine yourself in the future saying "oh boy, I sure am glad I told my girlfriend I cheated on her"?
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ChanusHarbinger of the Spicy Rooster ApocalypseThe Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered Userregular
edited July 2009
Yes... Honesty and Owning up to the consequences of your actions constitutes some "vague moral imperative".
"Doing the right thing" doesn't only count when it rewards you.
Never been in that position, but it's easier for me to imagine that then the "twisting knife" of guilt that would hit me every time I think of how great it is to have a significant other that trusts me, when I clearly consciously betrayed that trust.
Can you imagine yourself in the future saying "oh boy, I sure am glad I told my girlfriend I cheated on her"?
If I stopped to think about it, every morning when I open my eyes and see my 24 y.o. wife's blonde hair cascading across my pillows and the lapels of one of my blue dress shirts, I would absolutely thank my ex girlfriend for finally coming clean several years ago and admitting that she was cheating on me because I can't imagine how much more my life would suck if I'd married her instead. Of course, that presupposes that I stop to think about things like that in the morning rather than fucking her brains out, but the point still stands.
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FalloutGIRL'S DAYWAS PRETTY GOOD WHILE THEY LASTEDRegistered Userregular
Yes... Honesty and Owning up to the consequences of your actions constitutes some "vague moral imperative".
"Doing the right thing" doesn't only count when it rewards you.
Yes, "Honesty and Owning up" for its own sake constutites a vague moral imperative. What "the right thing" is is highly arguable, and it sure as hell isn't the most important thing to satisify because it's not a person.
Who benefits from telling her aside from him and lessening his own well-deserved burden of guilt? What does he need to do, make God happy or balance his karma or something? Bullshit. The people involved and the effects of his decision are all that matter. Some retarded aphorism someone heard from his grandpa as a kid has no bearing whatsoever on this dude's situation.
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FalloutGIRL'S DAYWAS PRETTY GOOD WHILE THEY LASTEDRegistered Userregular
Can you imagine yourself in the future saying "oh boy, I sure am glad I told my girlfriend I cheated on her"?
If I stopped to think about it, every morning when I open my eyes and see my 24 y.o. wife's blonde hair cascading across my pillows and the lapels of one of my blue dress shirts, I would absolutely thank my ex girlfriend for finally coming clean several years ago and admitting that she was cheating on me because I can't imagine how much more my life would suck if I'd married her instead. Of course, that presupposes that I stop to think about things like that in the morning rather than fucking her brains out, but the point still stands.
They're going to break up anyways, your point and poetry are moot.
Are you claiming to be a fortune teller now as well as some sort of post-modern ethical scholar? Because the OP's saying he's not planning on breaking up with her.
Humans are not rational beings. It's the reason that you generally don't reply to "how does my haircut look" with "it looks terrible". Sure, some people are more blunt/honest than others, but people generally do draw the line somewhere. Very few people, and even fewer couples, have the particularly rare mindsets that they can go "man, driving past college towns always makes me want to fuck those girls, remember when you were that attractive?".
So for the vast majority of people, there is a line somewhere. Where that line is therefore is not some objective rule but a subjective border that shifts and is different couple to couple. You may not tell your wife that the dress she has on makes her look like Shamu in a robe because you recognize that end goals are important too, not just "moral virtues". So you constantly work to balance the two.
In this instance, you can decide which side of the balance to go down. Go down "do whats right and tell her" path , and she'll most likely break up with you, or the relationship will most likely die within a couple months. Go down end-goals path, and you'll have to live with the guilt of having cheated on her and kept secrets from her forever.
It's up to you either way, but don't get blind-sided by folks on this forum painting the issue as if only one side or the other needs to be considered. Both end-goals and morally-right need to be considered.
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FalloutGIRL'S DAYWAS PRETTY GOOD WHILE THEY LASTEDRegistered Userregular
Humans are not rational beings. It's the reason that you generally don't reply to "how does my haircut look" with "it looks terrible". Sure, some people are more blunt/honest than others, but people generally do draw the line somewhere. Very few people, and even fewer couples, have the particularly rare mindsets that they can go "man, driving past college towns always makes me want to fuck those girls, remember when you were that attractive?".
So for the vast majority of people, there is a line somewhere. Where that line is therefore is not some objective rule but a subjective border that shifts and is different couple to couple. You may not tell your wife that the dress she has on makes her look like Shamu in a robe because you recognize that end goals are important too, not just "moral virtues". So you constantly work to balance the two.
In this instance, you can decide which side of the balance to go down. Go down "do whats right and tell her" path , and she'll most likely break up with you, or the relationship will most likely die within a couple months. Go down end-goals path, and you'll have to live with the guilt of having cheated on her and kept secrets from her forever.
It's up to you either way, but don't get blind-sided by folks on this forum painting the issue as if only one side or the other needs to be considered. Both end-goals and morally-right need to be considered.
Are you claiming to be a fortune teller now as well as some sort of post-modern ethical scholar? Because the OP's saying he's not planning on breaking up with her.
Yes. I can tell that the unfaithful long-distance college relationship isn't going to last because I can see the future.
Oh yes, by all means if he intends on breaking it off he doesn't have to tell her he cheated on her. But he's said he wants to stay with her which means he needs to come clean.
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EncA Fool with CompassionPronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered Userregular
edited July 2009
I think at this point in the discussion, everything that can be said, has been said.... several times.
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ChanusHarbinger of the Spicy Rooster ApocalypseThe Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered Userregular
edited July 2009
I know, it's like people are just repeating the same points over and over.
Oh yes, by all means if he intends on breaking it off he doesn't have to tell her he cheated on her. But he's said he wants to stay with her which means he needs to come clean.
So, after talking it over with my good friend of many years, I've decided to not tell my girlfriend. I know that what happened with this other chick was a major lapse in judgment and was a mistake, and though it did happen, it doesn't reflect on my feelings (or lack thereof) for my girlfriend. I love her more than anything, and preserving our relationship is the imperative to me. I know that a lot of people are going to say that because I cheated on her it contradicts how I feel about her and I'm not able to commit, but I cried for a long time just thinking of the past 18 months we have spent together disappearing and never being able to feel that again. She means a lot to me, and I don't want to loose that.
Over this next period of time, however, I will be seriously asking myself whether I am really willing to commit to this relationship. I'm not trying to cop out on this one, but I truly think that what happened was a complete mistake, one that I will not make again.
For those that think that I am being cowardly in not telling her, that may be so, but enough of a shitstorm has been caused from this ordeal, and causing more casualties doesn't seem like the right move.
Whether or not you agree with my decision, know that your input has caused me look at this from multiple perspectives and has truly helped me, and that no matter how this turns out I'm never doing shit like this again.
Moral of the story: don't cheat on your girlfriend with another woman whose sig. other is in the Gulf Coast, its a horrible idea and might force you to rely on the internet for advice.
I'm curious though. Why didn't this judgment appear BEFORE you kissed that other woman? Why the "OMG I WAS SO STUPID!" now? What was it that made your brain completely blank out and say "I think I'll cheat on my girlfriend! Woo!", and what is it that makes you think this won't happen again?
I know the thread is all over and done with now basically, but I think your girlfriend deserves to know the truth of who you really are. And honestly, I personally would've dumped you -- I think she deserves to do so if she thinks it's the right answer for her. Maybe she's more forgiving than I am.
I liked the part where he decided he felt so bad that it absolved himself. That's awesome.
I wish I could do that, whenever I feel guilty it taints everything. I can't think about anything else when I see that person, I want to talk to people about whats going on but I can't, and whenever I look that person in the eye, and they are so awesome and so amazing, I know down deep that I do not deserve them. I worry constantly that the lie will come out, or that they will know I'm different, or that I'm thinking unusual things, and conversation seems awkward and surreal, like a bad actor playing a part that doesn't even exist anymore.
I try to be extra good, try to make it up to them, but no matter what I do that feeling of dread knots up underneath my stomach just to the side, like a cancer, growing. I'm reminded of it during every fight, during every accusation, during every movie scene where my shortcoming is splashed up on a forty foot screen, and she looks at me proudly knowing that I would never do the things that I have done. Little reminders pop up everywhere, and every time I smile and nod, every time I agree with what a very good person I am, the hole gets deeper, the knot grows bigger, the silences grow colder and more awkward.
Soon, what little bit of joy I thought I had saved is overwhelmed by the lie of it all, and the knowledge that I am only a pretender, a figment of her imagination, grinds against my chest until everything is raw and sore. Even love, once a treasure, becomes a sad and distant wisp of a thing, hardly recognizable through the distance between us. And when I leave, to find someone who sees me as I am, and loves me despite my failures, I can stand still with only a few words marking the difference.
I left ages ago, when I decided it was best we walked on different paths. Where I made and kept a difference between us. It just took some time before we finally grew apart enough to notice.
If my guilt was enough to erase consequence, if fear and embarrassment provided absolution, then I would never have to apologize again. As it is, when I wish to share my life with someone, openly and without reservation, I have to keep sharing, both good things and bad. Otherwise I'm not really sharing, I'm just sort of being there.
So kudos OP, for finding that little shortcut to success; if you find that it works out for you, let us know how you managed it- it certainly seems a lot easier than the hard way.
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Fuck it, just break up with her yourself and spare everyone the drama.
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All this is true, but telling will help speed up the demise of the relationship, which could be a good thing even if the OP doesn't realize it, or agree. So yeah, go ahead and tell her.
I agree. He allowed himself the opportunity to occur, he already lied to the lady, and everything he posts seems to speak more of his guilt rather than love for the girlfriend.
It's not really a problem of tell or not tell at this point. It's a problem of why the hell is he putting both of them through this apparently drama-heavy, every now and then relationship. If he loves her, and wants to keep her, then why the hell is he 7 hours away from her in the first place? College? Can you get your major at her college or she at yours? Clearly neither of them were willing to compromise on this major decision in their lives, what makes them think they will compromise on future events?
This is retarded. People have to be apart for a variety of circumstances. You've been watching too many sappy movies.
So has this whole thread.
EDIT: Seriously OP, I hope you learned your lesson. If you don't think you have, by all means do tell her to really. hammer. it. in.
Yeah, I mean, some people are set on what college they want to go to for years. College is a major life decision, and honestly shouldn't be effected much by your SO. It's not a matter of whether the OP loved his gf less for going to a college far away. Shit happens and you have to deal with it the best you can with out changing what you as a person dreams of doing with your life. The distance got the best of him, and now he has to do what he thinks is best to alleviate the matter.
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Keeping it to yourself and feeling guilty IS your punishment. Telling her isn't how you "come clean", it's how you ease the burden off your shoulders and let whatever happens happen because you can't take the guilt anymore. So if you give up and tell her, fine, the relationship will probably end. Or you can just remember you did something fairly not-serious but not a good idea to repeat.
So, it would have been better to believe the lie and blame your father for the breakup, yet not have a mother to turn to because she didn't want anything to do with you, rather than know the truth and still have a father to turn to?
This! Don't forget that as soon as a long distance relationship looses its foundation of 'good faith' it dies, because there is no (or not enough) interaction to build that trust again.
There's ups and downs to everything, but in the end, yes, the lie was better. It has nothing to do with placing the blame, or have a connection with someone, it has everything to do with being made to feel inadequate as a child of your mother. But that's not the point of why I told this, I told it to show that sometimes, a lie can be better than the truth.
Going with the edit first: um, yeah, so I'm guessing you've read fucking nothing I've ever written before quoting my post, but if I do have a "one correct answer" it's never "let it burn" but "talk over your specific situation with your significant other." Because really whether I think kissing another girl qualifies as cheating or not? Doesn't fucking matter. By virtue of having fucked the OP, the girlfriend's the one who is supposed to be making judgement calls over how big a deal this is to her and whether she wants to continue dating someone who possibly cheated, depending on her interpretation of the situation.
Addressing the remaining paragraphs in order:
1. "In the end, the consequences of our actions determine whether or not we should make them and whether or not they are the best outcome." The premise behind this argument is that there are only negative consequences to cheating if the cheated-upon party finds out. Which means that it's not necessarily cheating that's somehow ethically wrong, it's letting someone find out you're cheating. Which is part of why I think it's utterly retarded that you're trying to argue about ethics here, but whatevs, it's a free country. Moving on.
2. "She will not be happier for decision making agency. He doesn't get to deal with the annoyance and she doesn't get hurt. Everyone is in an emotionally better place." The premise here is that the best of all possible worlds for the girlfriend is the one in which she is dating the OP. That's a fairly egocentric attitude, so maybe we should all take a minute to remember how completely insignificant we all are in the world: the global population right now is about 6.7 billion people. If we assume that 48% of that population is male, that means there's 3.2 billion men on this spinning chunk of rock -- at least one of whom would probably be willing to date this girl and not do things like pick up women on facebook who are already in relationships to date/make out with. Even if we reduce the available population down to males between the ages of 18 and 25 who live within 50 miles of her, it remains ridiculous for us to unilaterally decide on her part that she wouldn't actually be happier with someone else. She may decide she wants to stay with the OP, but it should be her choice.
Furthermore, having been cheated upon like four girlfriends back or something? Yeah, it sucks. But honestly, not the end of the world. Indeed, I am way happier today with my wife than I ever was with my ex-girlfriend, even before I found out she was cheating, and I owe it all to my ex finally breaking down and confessing. I know a lot of folks here want to think their girlfriends or boyfriends measure their lives into to discreet categories -- "before I started dating my boyfriend, and after" but really finding out that her boyfriend cheated on her is not going to be the worst or most painful thing that has or ever will happen to her. We only imagine that it will be like that to her in our own retardedly-egocentric viewpoints where people define their lives around us.
3. I never said a goddamned thing about karma and sins, and you know it. I said that the girlfriend should be allowed to make her own decisions without having them unilaterally imposed upon her by virtue of not having the information available to make the most rational decision for her. I actually don't give a damn whether or not she dumps the OP -- indeed, I would be surprised if they can't work this out, as all that actually happened was kissing. But it's not my opinion that matters viz. whether her best option is to stay with the OP -- it's hers. She should be allowed to make that decision for herself rather than having it insiduously imposed upon her.
Do not lie to her. Lying to her (or "valiantly shielding her from The Truth", however you want to put it) is you insulting her intelligence and showing a lack of respect. Presumably, eighteen months into a relationship with her, you have some respect for her (in spite of what you did).
And there are two people in a relationship. Two people, not one. Decisions like this should be made by both people when they know what the situation is.
I don't get this, either. When my parents divorced, my brother and I knew why. It broke my heart and the two of us got screwed around, but the truth is ultimately better. My father never fully owned up to what he did, and I can never forgive him because of that.
I'm going off-topic there, but for pity's sake, visit her and tell her the truth. You made a stupid mistake, and maybe you can make things right, but you can really only do that if A) you want to, and
If you don't want to keep going with your relationship, of course, do whatever the hell you like. I just think lying to someone supposedly important to you is really rather dick-ish.
The right thing, in my opinion, in this case is to break up with her. Given that conclusion, I don't need to see any reason at all to tell her that he cheated, especially given there are plenty of other reasons to justify the breakup. All telling her will do in this situation is make her feel inadequate, have trust issues and be even more bitter and angry. If the OP actually cares about this girl, he wouldn't wish those things upon her and they can easily be avoided by just not telling her.
I'd also have to say that trying to stay in the relationship is a poor decision. OP, you're already talking about your girlfriend in the past tense and distantly. She has already questioned your faithfulness and you have already lied to her about it. I could go on, but it's blatantly obvious to me, given what you've said (especially considering your open relationship experiment), that you are in this relationship because you want to be in a relationship, regardless of who the other half of that is.
I could be wrong, but you certainly are making me feel like I'm right.
Hopefully the Jill Sobule version from the mid 90s. Such a better song.
of course
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eov1HpN7f_Y
No no, you can't have the cake AND pie here. Tell her or don't, but man, do yourself and her a favor and end it. It'd be one thing if had even put up any sort of resistance to it, but you didn't. Take responsibility for your actions, you can either tell her and hope things work out, keep it to yourself and hope she never finds out (worst situation), or realize you're probably not doing as well in this long distance relationship as you thought and break up and hope you learned your lesson. You're obviously not quite as attached as you thought until after the fact and only now that you know what you stand to lose. My vote goes with robothero on this one.
Also, as a dude in the army currently deployed, I'd be more than a little annoyed if I found out someone else was making out with my girlfriend.
:roll:
Don't twist the damn knife.
Can you imagine yourself in the future saying "oh boy, I sure am glad I told my girlfriend I cheated on her"?
"Doing the right thing" doesn't only count when it rewards you.
If I stopped to think about it, every morning when I open my eyes and see my 24 y.o. wife's blonde hair cascading across my pillows and the lapels of one of my blue dress shirts, I would absolutely thank my ex girlfriend for finally coming clean several years ago and admitting that she was cheating on me because I can't imagine how much more my life would suck if I'd married her instead. Of course, that presupposes that I stop to think about things like that in the morning rather than fucking her brains out, but the point still stands.
Yes, "Honesty and Owning up" for its own sake constutites a vague moral imperative. What "the right thing" is is highly arguable, and it sure as hell isn't the most important thing to satisify because it's not a person.
Who benefits from telling her aside from him and lessening his own well-deserved burden of guilt? What does he need to do, make God happy or balance his karma or something? Bullshit. The people involved and the effects of his decision are all that matter. Some retarded aphorism someone heard from his grandpa as a kid has no bearing whatsoever on this dude's situation.
They're going to break up anyways, your point and poetry are moot.
So for the vast majority of people, there is a line somewhere. Where that line is therefore is not some objective rule but a subjective border that shifts and is different couple to couple. You may not tell your wife that the dress she has on makes her look like Shamu in a robe because you recognize that end goals are important too, not just "moral virtues". So you constantly work to balance the two.
In this instance, you can decide which side of the balance to go down. Go down "do whats right and tell her" path , and she'll most likely break up with you, or the relationship will most likely die within a couple months. Go down end-goals path, and you'll have to live with the guilt of having cheated on her and kept secrets from her forever.
It's up to you either way, but don't get blind-sided by folks on this forum painting the issue as if only one side or the other needs to be considered. Both end-goals and morally-right need to be considered.
Great post. :^:
Yes. I can tell that the unfaithful long-distance college relationship isn't going to last because I can see the future.
One of those is the healthy attitude for a relationship and the other is not.
/sorry
To keep with the theme of the thread: NO U!
Over this next period of time, however, I will be seriously asking myself whether I am really willing to commit to this relationship. I'm not trying to cop out on this one, but I truly think that what happened was a complete mistake, one that I will not make again.
For those that think that I am being cowardly in not telling her, that may be so, but enough of a shitstorm has been caused from this ordeal, and causing more casualties doesn't seem like the right move.
Whether or not you agree with my decision, know that your input has caused me look at this from multiple perspectives and has truly helped me, and that no matter how this turns out I'm never doing shit like this again.
Moral of the story: don't cheat on your girlfriend with another woman whose sig. other is in the Gulf Coast, its a horrible idea and might force you to rely on the internet for advice.
I guess mods can lock this now.
I know the thread is all over and done with now basically, but I think your girlfriend deserves to know the truth of who you really are. And honestly, I personally would've dumped you -- I think she deserves to do so if she thinks it's the right answer for her. Maybe she's more forgiving than I am.
I wish I could do that, whenever I feel guilty it taints everything. I can't think about anything else when I see that person, I want to talk to people about whats going on but I can't, and whenever I look that person in the eye, and they are so awesome and so amazing, I know down deep that I do not deserve them. I worry constantly that the lie will come out, or that they will know I'm different, or that I'm thinking unusual things, and conversation seems awkward and surreal, like a bad actor playing a part that doesn't even exist anymore.
I try to be extra good, try to make it up to them, but no matter what I do that feeling of dread knots up underneath my stomach just to the side, like a cancer, growing. I'm reminded of it during every fight, during every accusation, during every movie scene where my shortcoming is splashed up on a forty foot screen, and she looks at me proudly knowing that I would never do the things that I have done. Little reminders pop up everywhere, and every time I smile and nod, every time I agree with what a very good person I am, the hole gets deeper, the knot grows bigger, the silences grow colder and more awkward.
Soon, what little bit of joy I thought I had saved is overwhelmed by the lie of it all, and the knowledge that I am only a pretender, a figment of her imagination, grinds against my chest until everything is raw and sore. Even love, once a treasure, becomes a sad and distant wisp of a thing, hardly recognizable through the distance between us. And when I leave, to find someone who sees me as I am, and loves me despite my failures, I can stand still with only a few words marking the difference.
I left ages ago, when I decided it was best we walked on different paths. Where I made and kept a difference between us. It just took some time before we finally grew apart enough to notice.
If my guilt was enough to erase consequence, if fear and embarrassment provided absolution, then I would never have to apologize again. As it is, when I wish to share my life with someone, openly and without reservation, I have to keep sharing, both good things and bad. Otherwise I'm not really sharing, I'm just sort of being there.
So kudos OP, for finding that little shortcut to success; if you find that it works out for you, let us know how you managed it- it certainly seems a lot easier than the hard way.