Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.
Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.
You are twisted.
have you read Watchmen?
Yes, of course. That's why you're twisted.
I
but
we're two separate people
he's even jailed
Conjoined at the pinky
Antimatter has been sitting outside of my cell for over a month and a half
It is not a well known fact, but soccer was very popular in ancient Rome. The Coliseum was used for matches. There was a big match planned for one Saturday, and three famous Romans arranged to meet at the Coliseum to see the match (Rome vs. Naples). When the day came, Caesar and Cassius met in their favorite bar, but there was no sign of their friend Brutus. So shortly before the kick-off, they gave up and went to their reserved seats to watch the game.
At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?"
"It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied.
"What's the score, then?"
"Eight-two, Brutus."
I'm sorry
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AntimatterDevo Was RightGates of SteelRegistered Userregular
edited October 2009
don't be
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ZoelI suppose... I'd put it onRegistered Userregular
edited October 2009
My boss's email:
"Guys I am working very hard on time cards today but if you don't keep your time logged it is literally going to drive me insane."
My email:
"Are you cold? Maybe you should have worn your time cardigan."
My Boss's email:
"Well, I would just turn up the heat but I figured you must be roasting seeing as you're about to get fired."
Zoel on
A magician gives you a ring that, when worn, will let you see the world as it truly is.
However, the ring will never leave your finger, and you will be unable to ever describe to another living person what you see.
This place was actually the first place I heard that joke.
I saved it in a text file named "awful jokes.txt"
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ZoelI suppose... I'd put it onRegistered Userregular
edited October 2009
I was talking to my ex girlfriend about how she can't find Mr. Right, and she was saying that there probably is no Mr. Right. I said yeah there are, look in the phone book. They're all Asian though.
She was confused and asked me why they'd all be Asian.
I told her it was because nobody wants to be Wong.
Zoel on
A magician gives you a ring that, when worn, will let you see the world as it truly is.
However, the ring will never leave your finger, and you will be unable to ever describe to another living person what you see.
I was talking to my ex girlfriend about how she can't find Mr. Right, and she was saying that there probably is no Mr. Right. I said yeah there are, look in the phone book. They're all Asian though.
She was confused and asked me why they'd all be Asian.
I told her it was because nobody wants to be Wong.
Boooooooooooooooooo
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Episode 5: Mecha-World, Mecha-nisim, Mecha-beasts
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nevilleThe Worst Gay(Seriously. The Worst!)Registered Userregular
ZoelI suppose... I'd put it onRegistered Userregular
edited October 2009
seriously though why is there a thread about my post history
Zoel on
A magician gives you a ring that, when worn, will let you see the world as it truly is.
However, the ring will never leave your finger, and you will be unable to ever describe to another living person what you see.
bahaha
A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "give me a drink." The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve bears." The bear says, "well, give me a drink or I'll eat that woman at the other end of the bar." The bartender says, "psh, go ahead." So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve bears on drugs." The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, "what? I'm not on drugs." And the bartender says, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate"
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AntimatterDevo Was RightGates of SteelRegistered Userregular
There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year, his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death.
So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.
The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens."
Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.
The moral of this story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored eagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent your firm was a great honor.
Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost, and today we can't be sure for whom the Tells bowl.
Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored eagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent your firm was a great honor.
Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost, and today we can't be sure for whom the Tells bowl.
A red ship and a blue ship crashed into each other
All the sailors were marooned
What's black and white and red all over
A nun with a harpoon through her
What do you call a vampire 4 miles away from the blood bank
A cab
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
How do you make holy water
You boil the hell out of it
What is the opposite of Christopher Reeves
Christopher Walken
Where do you find a dog with no legs
Wherever you left it
This one time I was trying to get people to laugh at a party and I started telling puns, but man I couldn't get people to laugh. In fact no pun in ten did
Posts
I
but
we're two separate people
he's even jailed
Conjoined at the pinky
Antimatter has been sitting outside of my cell for over a month and a half
At half time, Brutus finally arrived "Sorry I'm late," he said. "The wheel came off the chariot, and I couldn't get it fixed. How's the game going?"
"It's been a fantastic game so far," Caesar replied.
"What's the score, then?"
"Eight-two, Brutus."
"Guys I am working very hard on time cards today but if you don't keep your time logged it is literally going to drive me insane."
My email:
"Are you cold? Maybe you should have worn your time cardigan."
My Boss's email:
"Well, I would just turn up the heat but I figured you must be roasting seeing as you're about to get fired."
However, the ring will never leave your finger, and you will be unable to ever describe to another living person what you see.
This place was actually the first place I heard that joke.
I saved it in a text file named "awful jokes.txt"
She was confused and asked me why they'd all be Asian.
I told her it was because nobody wants to be Wong.
However, the ring will never leave your finger, and you will be unable to ever describe to another living person what you see.
I approve.
Boooooooooooooooooo
ok that's pretty damn great
However, the ring will never leave your finger, and you will be unable to ever describe to another living person what you see.
we are listening to mitch hedburg right now
"i got a solution for sweat shops -- air conditioning. problem solved."
You'll rise and shine.
You'd get very sick and likely die a slow and agonizing death.
People would wonder why you were eating that combination of food
A bleached whale
A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "give me a drink." The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve bears." The bear says, "well, give me a drink or I'll eat that woman at the other end of the bar." The bartender says, "psh, go ahead." So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve bears on drugs." The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, "what? I'm not on drugs." And the bartender says, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate"
it is the Omega Joke, the joke from which all others were wrought
which is called the Omega Hare
e tu brute
fuckin educate yourself
e:beaten
There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year, his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death.
So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land. First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.
The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens."
Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.
The moral of this story: "All of Hing's courses and all of Ming's ken couldn't get gum tea to feather a hen."
you should educate yourself too
Et tu
so......yeah nice try though
at least e tu is italian for and you
eu isnt anything
Yeah but I wasn't correcting anyone and trying to feel superior about it.
More bad jokes!
Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored eagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent your firm was a great honor.
Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost, and today we can't be sure for whom the Tells bowl.
well i did both
so i win
well obviously we know who they bowl for
the tells bowl for thee