You know, I'm just throwing this out there, but if your parents don't trust you to the point that they end up opening your mail, I'm going to say that the best way to gain their trust and help alleviate this situation is, you know, not to do radical shit they wouldn't approve of behind their backs.
If she's already fucking 19 and they're doing this, the parents are going to be paranoid for the rest of their lives. That ship has already sailed.
Sometimes people are irrational assholes and there's nothing you can do about it. Welcome to life.
Thanks for the welcome mat. So, I'm not sure what you are saying... she should do this anyways because her parents are paranoid? I don't think that makes any sense. Clearly there is a reason why she's trying to hide her actions and might that just be because she realizes there is something stupid about it?
I am saying that refraining from this trip will not start making her parents trust her, because clearly nothing will make her parents trust her. She's 19 years old and they open her friggin' mail. She should start trying to move out and break off her dependence on them as soon as she's able, because they'll only drag her down through life by treating her like a child incapable of making her own decisions long after she's become an adult.
Whether she makes this trip or not will not make a bit of difference in her relationship with her parents in the long run, because her relationship with her parents will always be completely fucked up.
That's what I'm saying.
Also, have you ever needed to hide your actions when doing something completely reasonable? It happens sometimes, you know.
Wow, I couldn't imagine living in that household of yours. Kudos for not going postal on your parents.
Anyways, my opinion is that this is a bad idea, if you do the sneaky thing and go behind their backs. Your parents are already over-controlling as is. If they find out you lied to them and thousands of miles to see a boy you aren't really even dating, they are going to come down hard on you. You also mentioned that their financial aid really helps your education. Well be prepared to lose that help if they find out, and from what you said it seems like you really enjoy those 8 months away from home at school. Would you be willing to give up those 8 months just for a weekend with one boy?
I'm not saying your parents are right for being so crazy, just that thats how they might react. It just seems to me that the potential negatives outweight the positives of this little trek.
What you should be doing is talking to your parents and trying to get your independence in order. This is pretty nuts at the age of 19.
Elessar Elfstone on
Tobias: Or it could be your colon. I'd want to get in there and find some answers.
I originally read this as you wanting to meet a guy off the internet, in which case I could see the reason for your parents wanting to meet him first. But you're college friends? Fuck permission; you don't need to vet him with your parents first. You're not meeting him for the first time even. I second the advice on simply telling your folks that you're with a friend or something. Got anyone who'll alibi you?
Man, relationships are risky enough when you're both in the same town. This whole scenario strikes me as you being terribly, terribly naive about how this guy feels about you, and I get the feeling that tripping across the country on short notice is going to end in one of those teen-comedy scenes where the inexperienced long-distance GF walks in on the dude with a couple of sorority sisters. Shit woman, you've never even met the guy face to face! Spend the money on shoes and find a local boy to fuck.
Definitely open a PO box, though. They've got no right to go through your stuff just because you're living with them, any more than my landlord does.
Man, relationships are risky enough when you're both in the same town. This whole scenario strikes me as you being terribly, terribly naive about how this guy feels about you, and I get the feeling that tripping across the country on short notice is going to end in one of those teen-comedy scenes where the inexperienced long-distance GF walks in on the dude with a couple of sorority sisters. Shit woman, you've never even met the guy face to face! Spend the money on shoes and find a local boy to fuck.
Definitely open a PO box, though. They've got no right to go through your stuff just because you're living with them, any more than my landlord does.
Are people reading something, somewhere that I'm not?
Because in the OP, MF seems to pretty strongly indicate that they went to the same college, "dated," and are now home for the summer. Am I missing something?
She has definitely said that she knows the guy and has been dating him (casually, but with the possibility of more?) for awhile.
Personally, I would just go, but you should probably think about how your parents will react when/if they find out. Will they cut off funding for college? Will they be so pissed at you that your relationship with them is ruined? Does this matter to you more than seeing your sort-of boyfriend a few months earlier than you could? And yeah, why can't he just fly out to see you for the weekend rather than putting you in the position of defying your overprotective parents, who will most likely overreact to your absence?
well, if I misread it, fine, but I still think long distance stuff like this is highly dubious. And this isn't the guy from that other thread of yours is it?
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LibrarianThe face of liberal fascismRegistered Userregular
well, if I misread it, fine, but I still think long distance stuff like this is highly dubious. And this isn't the guy from that other thread of yours is it?
The one that was emotionally detached, did not like to cuddle and avoided eye contact and also was unable to articulate his of feelings for her?
I got a pretty strong feeling that's the guy she is referring to now...
And damn I got some good memory for this shit, when was that thread? 5 months ago or someting?
FalloutGIRL'S DAYWAS PRETTY GOOD WHILE THEY LASTEDRegistered Userregular
edited June 2007
Go and do it if you want to. You're a legal adult spending your own money on something you want to do, your parents are going to have to cope with the fact that you are an individual human being at some point anyways.
I'm gonna break the mold and say don't do it. Your BF is long distance, but you have to live with your parents until you move out. If you're still in school, that could be a while. You're parents probably have good reason why they said to wait for him to come to you first. Maybe you're the type to put thier heart on thier sleeve, and they don't want you to invest too much into something that may not turn out the way you think.
Too many warning bells for me, something smells rotten in the state of Denmark. I'd seriously wait this out. Firstly because these things have a way of coming to the surface - what if you have an awesome time, fall in love, and are glowing and giggling in a way obvious way by the time they return? Parents know you - and they will know something has happened. Mark up some hardcore increased tension in your household. One can hide the details for a while, but you can't hide everything - it always comes out somehow.
Besides, you're old enough know that if you're still hardcore on going in a while, and your BF wants you over there badly enough, some sort of suitable arrangement will be made. Being cautious and somewhat wary does not instantly make your parents retards. Think about it.
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited June 2007
You parents pay your bills for staying at their place and at college.
Until you pay them rent you have to respect their wishes.
I may of missed it but is there a reason why he can't go to you?
Why can't he come visit you? That way you wouldn't be leaving a money trail. You could pay him half the costs.
This just seems like a bad idea. Your parents may be paranoid and overprotective, but their money makes it worthwhile to respect their wishes.
The fact that they not only open your mail but also pour over your bank statements is disturbing. My mom has always been crazily overprotective, but even she drew the line about opening other people's mail.
Why can't he come visit you? That way you wouldn't be leaving a money trail. You could pay him half the costs.
Now there's a good point. If he's not willing to split the bill or make an effort to come down to you (because its not like it makes a difference in terms of ignoring your parents wishes), he's not sufficiently enthusiastic about seeing you.
I mean, they are your PARENTS... you should be able to talk to them honestly about these things.
Secondly, what if you get hurt or this guy turns to be out to be some type of psycho? What if you break your leg while over there or lose your wallet or some creepy cab guy takes you to the wrong place? It would be nice to have a backup plan.
Thirdly, your 19- you have the legal right to say "Mom&Dad, this is my choice" and they can't [legally] stop you. (Your in the USA right? Legal adult here is considered 18. I think it's 19 in Canada).
Yes, they can cut off funds, money and/or room & board.. but that's life.
Personally I see it as a moral issue... my family is really important to me and I won't sale them out or lie to them for some boy [or girl even!]. Blood is thicker then water. Just remember that... your parents will ALWAYS be there for you, they are blood - but it's hard to say that about someone you've only known a few years.
Yes, they might be all protective of you, but they aren't doing it to be mean, they are doing it cause they love you and want the best for yuo. They have a vested interest in you, being that your from their DNA.
uh... I think I hit on about ever cliche I could there, but it's true!
but my advice, talk to them Adult on Adult. Your all grown up and so are they and just talk to them respectfully about it and ask them for the same. They might not agree with you, but that's life.
Also on another note, they are expecting you to watch the house. What happens if it burns down or explodes while your out kissing some boy? Yea... that'll be hard to explain.
Secondly, if your serious about this boy - and visa-versa, then eventually you too will connect within your parents wishes... you could go over for christmas or he could come down for Thanks giving.
Thridly: in regards to college relationships: the saying goes is that they end as fast as they start... so, just saying... it's no good to betray your parents for some booty, regardless of how fine it may be.
If you really want to hide it, pay for it in cash. Just go and do it.
There's either that, or tell your parents you are 19 years old and can do whatever the hell you like. Respecting your parents wishes does not mean you should let them run your life. If they don't want you doing something in their house, fair enough. Going to visit some guy is outside their house, making it none of their business, and YOUR choice to make. You're hardly their little 13 year old virgin trying to sneak out to kiss boys anymore.
It still amazes me that of the 2 girls I knew with really rediculously overprotective parents, one ended up as a prostitute and the other a heroin addict. Just one of those things I find mildly amusing. I still see the junkie in the city from time to time, begging for money and cigarettes. Pretty sad because her family were pretty well off as far as I remember.
If you really want to hide it, pay for it in cash. Just go and do it.
There's either that, or tell your parents you are 19 years old and can do whatever the hell you like. Respecting your parents wishes does not mean you should let them run your life. If they don't want you doing something in their house, fair enough. Going to visit some guy is outside their house, making it none of their business, and YOUR choice to make. You're hardly their little 13 year old virgin trying to sneak out to kiss boys anymore.
It still amazes me that of the 2 girls I knew with really rediculously overprotective parents, one ended up as a prostitute and the other a heroin addict. Just one of those things I find mildly amusing. I still see the junkie in the city from time to time, begging for money and cigarettes. Pretty sad because her family were pretty well off as far as I remember.
That's called backlash...this thread is proof of that. Apparently these parents did not get the memo that authoritarian parenting usually causes kids to "act out" more than they would than if the parents adopted a more authoritative style. They're obviously set in their ways though.
As much as I disagree with the way your parents are treating you (especially when you're not a minor) I'm gonna have to say that you should probably not go. You mentioned they pay for college, do you have an alternate way of paying if they pull the funds? I wouldn't be surprised if they did that if/when they find out about your little weekend trip. That's something very important to consider because no matter how awesome this guy is, finishing college is more important if you want to have any kind of future besides working in a dead end job for the rest of your life.
They might not pull funding though. After all, they want you to finish college. As an alternative they could refuse to pay for any college besides a local community college or university and require you to live at home. That would probably be worse than just waiting until September to see this guy.
If you think you can pay the tuition on your own, or qualify for financial aid then by all means go ahead.
What kind of weird, backward parents would damage their childs future by pulling their college funding because they didn't get their way?
Sounds crazy to me. I personally wouldn't do that to either of my kids for any reason.
It doesn't seem suprising at all. My Parents paid for my university fees and they expected me to do what they told me. I was in essence working for them, if I stopped working, they stopped paying. It seems more than reasonable to me.
What kind of weird, backward parents would damage their childs future by pulling their college funding because they didn't get their way?
Sounds crazy to me. I personally wouldn't do that to either of my kids for any reason.
It doesn't seem suprising at all. My Parents paid for my university fees and they expected me to do what they told me. I was in essence working for them, if I stopped working, they stopped paying. It seems more than reasonable to me.
The problems start when parents hold that financial control much further over their children's heads than an employer could hold a paypacket over an employee. The demands placed on the child's non-working, private life in particular are, to my mind, very difficult to justify. The college fees are being paid so that you'll get a college degree, and so long as you get it, you should be able to do what you want. I'd imagine you'd feel rather put-upon if your boss tried to set you a curfew. But this is all pretty OT. Start a DD thread if you want.
It doesn't have to be justified, they've got the money and she needs it. The employer analogy is flawed, people have free choice over who they choose to work for...I highly doubt the OP will be able to find someone else willing to pay for her to go to college.
It doesn't have to be justified, they've got the money and she needs it. The employer analogy is flawed, people have free choice over who they choose to work for...I highly doubt the OP will be able to find someone else willing to pay for her to go to college.
Loans (government or private). Scholarships. Fraud. Armed Robbery. Organ Trafficking. This is off topic, as I just said. Start a thread in DD or shut up.
I read your post, twice in fact. That last sentence was not there. Some kind of magic mod edit?
If it was all so off topic then why did you even post? It's okay for you to say it but not for me to reply? I guess next time I want to win something I'll just say that it's all off topic anyway, that way no one can refute me.
Ugh...I'm not even gonna bother fighting a mod.
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JacobkoshGamble a stamp.I can show you how to be a real man!Moderatormod
The problems start when parents hold that financial control much further over their children's heads than an employer could hold a paypacket over an employee. The demands placed on the child's non-working, private life in particular are, to my mind, very difficult to justify.
I'll go further and call it blackmail. If Firefly's parents are scuzzy enough human beings that they'd try to sabotage her future out of spite for her doing something completely normal and legal - I feel the need to emphasize that with all the infuriatingly patronizing thick-skulled moralizing floating around this thread - then she's better off cutting the apron strings sooner rather than later.
I speak from experience on this. I have a restraining order against one of my parents, the one who thought that raising me for half the week was a free pass to be a horrible overbearing shit of a human being; while the other one, the one who gave me freedom to make my own mistakes (while still proffering helpful advice before, during, and after), remains one of my closest friends and confidants.
Jacobkosh on
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited June 2007
I'm not debating this but look at this in purely black and white terms.
They are her parents, they pay her tuition, as nice enough as they are to pay her tuition they have every right not to pay her tuition. If she pisses them off too much they may invoke this right. Therefore it make sense to me not to piss them off.
I'm not debating this but look at this in purely black and white terms.
They are her parents, they pay her tuition, as nice enough as they are to pay her tuition they have every right not to pay her tuition. If she pisses them off too much they may invoke this right. Therefore it make sense to me not to piss them off.
Them deciding to be dicks doesn't have to be the end of her world - as Cat said, there are always options. It might mean sacrifices and incovenience but the dividends she'll reap in terms of personal growth and mental health may well outweigh that. Ultimately, she's an adult, and this is her call to make, and quite frankly they can like it or lump it.
Jacobkosh on
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AbsoluteZeroThe new film by Quentin KoopantinoRegistered Userregular
edited June 2007
I'd like to emphasize something here. Don't lie to your parents.
You're an adult and you are free to do as you please, whether they like it or not, but there is no reason to lie to them or sneak around behind their backs. It's disrespectful. It's more disrespectful than simply ignoring their wishes. On top of that, should there be some kind of emergency I don't think you'd want the lines of communication cut between yourself and your parents while you are out of town.
I'm not debating this but look at this in purely black and white terms.
They are her parents, they pay her tuition, as nice enough as they are to pay her tuition they have every right not to pay her tuition. If she pisses them off too much they may invoke this right. Therefore it make sense to me not to piss them off.
Them deciding to be dicks doesn't have to be the end of her world - as Cat said, there are always options. It might mean sacrifices and incovenience but the dividends she'll reap in terms of personal growth and mental health may well outweigh that. Ultimately, she's an adult, and this is her call to make, and quite frankly they can like it or lump it.
What part of "off topic" wasn't clear to you two? i have a whole forum over the way for stuff like this. It is lonely. It languishes. It wants your attention! Go give it a hug.
You parents pay your bills for staying at their place and at college.
Until you pay them rent you have to respect their wishes.
Yeah the minute someone opens my mail without my consent (unless it's by accident), I don't owe them jack shit. Now the people who couldn't drop this are getting 'fracted.
Why can't he come visit you? That way you wouldn't be leaving a money trail. You could pay him half the costs.
Now there's a good point. If he's not willing to split the bill or make an effort to come down to you (because its not like it makes a difference in terms of ignoring your parents wishes), he's not sufficiently enthusiastic about seeing you.
Personally I vote for ringing your parents, telling them you're 19 and an adult and can pretty much do as you please and just going.
Unless you're committed to looking after the house and there are pets to feed etc then they can't really use the "Our house, our rules" issue. Sure they can say what you can and can't do in my house but what you do outside of that house is entirely up to you.
Since only two people among millions have said it yet; call their bluff. Tell them calmly and outright that you are going on that weekend, you are an adult, paying for it yourself, blah blah. Make it as difficult as possible for them to throw a tantrum about it and start flinging punishments around. Of course, you have to be aware that if they threaten to cut off money or such, you still have to go through with it, or you are totally buggered from then on. But the more you play the reasonable one, the less likely they are to go through with any reciprocity.
Final tip: if possible, explain the situation to a godparent or vaguely neutral aunt/uncle/adult family member, and ask them to mediate, prescence of another adult is a superb way to get parents to back down from unreasonable rules or expectations.
Also have to agree with previous people though, from what you've said it doesn't sound like this guy is 100% keen on the idea.
I'd like to emphasize something here. Don't lie to your parents.
You're an adult and you are free to do as you please, whether they like it or not, but there is no reason to lie to them or sneak around behind their backs. It's disrespectful. It's more disrespectful than simply ignoring their wishes. On top of that, should there be some kind of emergency I don't think you'd want the lines of communication cut between yourself and your parents while you are out of town.
My sentiments exactly. You're an adult, act like one. You do not need to sneak around to do things that are perfectly legal. If there are consequences, then you should be ready to accept them.
That aside, I think the trip is a bad idea. You've only been seeing this guy for a few months (right?), and you'll see him again in a few months. Sounds like he'll even be working while you're there if you go. Really seems to me like you're putting a lot more effort into this meetup than he is. Is it really worth all the cost?
I went back and re-read the OP and MotherFirefly's other posts. I don't see anything overbearing or exceptional about her parents' behavior. The only things she has said about what they've done are
my parents have this habit of opening my mail
My parent's are just really overprotective, and old fashioned.
He invited me to come visit him this summer, initially my mom said "okay" there was no issue, great. Then she changed her mind, and both her and my dad said that he had to come visit us here in Texas before I could go visit him.
They tend to smother me
They just keep me close so I can be their little "golden girl"
Nothing there raises any red flags for me. Sure the "habit" of opening her mail may seem odd, but isn't necessarily anything malicious or out of the ordinary. I know when I was at school my Freshman year, my parents would from time to time open mail that arrived at their house for me, and I don't imagine that's strange. They were essentially acting as a secretary for me, letting me know if anything important arrived and tossing anything that wasn't important (junk mail, etc.). I'd also excuse my parents for opening ANYTHING that arrived in their mailbox. After all, the only stuff that should arrive in their mailbox is their mail, right? I know I open stuff that's addressed to my wife, sometimes on accident. It's not a big deal. It happens. MF's other comments don't seem unusual for any kid to make. It's pretty normal for teenagers to feel that their parents are smothering them, ESPECIALLY as they move from high school to college.
Why can't he come visit you? That way you wouldn't be leaving a money trail. You could pay him half the costs.
Now there's a good point. If he's not willing to split the bill or make an effort to come down to you (because its not like it makes a difference in terms of ignoring your parents wishes), he's not sufficiently enthusiastic about seeing you.
This is large.
I have to agree, I really do. Why do you have to go through all this effort? At least mention this to him and see how he feels.
Taco Bell does win the franchise war according to the tome of knowledge that is Demolition Man. However, I've watched Demolition Man more then a few times and never once did I see WoW. In conclusion Taco Bell has more lasting power then WoW.
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I am saying that refraining from this trip will not start making her parents trust her, because clearly nothing will make her parents trust her. She's 19 years old and they open her friggin' mail. She should start trying to move out and break off her dependence on them as soon as she's able, because they'll only drag her down through life by treating her like a child incapable of making her own decisions long after she's become an adult.
Whether she makes this trip or not will not make a bit of difference in her relationship with her parents in the long run, because her relationship with her parents will always be completely fucked up.
That's what I'm saying.
Also, have you ever needed to hide your actions when doing something completely reasonable? It happens sometimes, you know.
Anyways, my opinion is that this is a bad idea, if you do the sneaky thing and go behind their backs. Your parents are already over-controlling as is. If they find out you lied to them and thousands of miles to see a boy you aren't really even dating, they are going to come down hard on you. You also mentioned that their financial aid really helps your education. Well be prepared to lose that help if they find out, and from what you said it seems like you really enjoy those 8 months away from home at school. Would you be willing to give up those 8 months just for a weekend with one boy?
I'm not saying your parents are right for being so crazy, just that thats how they might react. It just seems to me that the potential negatives outweight the positives of this little trek.
What you should be doing is talking to your parents and trying to get your independence in order. This is pretty nuts at the age of 19.
Forsake, Warlock of Stonemaul
Definitely open a PO box, though. They've got no right to go through your stuff just because you're living with them, any more than my landlord does.
Because in the OP, MF seems to pretty strongly indicate that they went to the same college, "dated," and are now home for the summer. Am I missing something?
Personally, I would just go, but you should probably think about how your parents will react when/if they find out. Will they cut off funding for college? Will they be so pissed at you that your relationship with them is ruined? Does this matter to you more than seeing your sort-of boyfriend a few months earlier than you could? And yeah, why can't he just fly out to see you for the weekend rather than putting you in the position of defying your overprotective parents, who will most likely overreact to your absence?
The one that was emotionally detached, did not like to cuddle and avoided eye contact and also was unable to articulate his of feelings for her?
I got a pretty strong feeling that's the guy she is referring to now...
And damn I got some good memory for this shit, when was that thread? 5 months ago or someting?
Too many warning bells for me, something smells rotten in the state of Denmark. I'd seriously wait this out. Firstly because these things have a way of coming to the surface - what if you have an awesome time, fall in love, and are glowing and giggling in a way obvious way by the time they return? Parents know you - and they will know something has happened. Mark up some hardcore increased tension in your household. One can hide the details for a while, but you can't hide everything - it always comes out somehow.
Besides, you're old enough know that if you're still hardcore on going in a while, and your BF wants you over there badly enough, some sort of suitable arrangement will be made. Being cautious and somewhat wary does not instantly make your parents retards. Think about it.
Until you pay them rent you have to respect their wishes.
I may of missed it but is there a reason why he can't go to you?
Satans..... hints.....
This just seems like a bad idea. Your parents may be paranoid and overprotective, but their money makes it worthwhile to respect their wishes.
The fact that they not only open your mail but also pour over your bank statements is disturbing. My mom has always been crazily overprotective, but even she drew the line about opening other people's mail.
Now there's a good point. If he's not willing to split the bill or make an effort to come down to you (because its not like it makes a difference in terms of ignoring your parents wishes), he's not sufficiently enthusiastic about seeing you.
I mean, they are your PARENTS... you should be able to talk to them honestly about these things.
Secondly, what if you get hurt or this guy turns to be out to be some type of psycho? What if you break your leg while over there or lose your wallet or some creepy cab guy takes you to the wrong place? It would be nice to have a backup plan.
Thirdly, your 19- you have the legal right to say "Mom&Dad, this is my choice" and they can't [legally] stop you. (Your in the USA right? Legal adult here is considered 18. I think it's 19 in Canada).
Yes, they can cut off funds, money and/or room & board.. but that's life.
Personally I see it as a moral issue... my family is really important to me and I won't sale them out or lie to them for some boy [or girl even!]. Blood is thicker then water. Just remember that... your parents will ALWAYS be there for you, they are blood - but it's hard to say that about someone you've only known a few years.
Yes, they might be all protective of you, but they aren't doing it to be mean, they are doing it cause they love you and want the best for yuo. They have a vested interest in you, being that your from their DNA.
uh... I think I hit on about ever cliche I could there, but it's true!
but my advice, talk to them Adult on Adult. Your all grown up and so are they and just talk to them respectfully about it and ask them for the same. They might not agree with you, but that's life.
What do you have to gain by doing this?
What do you have to lose?
Seriously. Think about it, and write down your lists. Then make a mature decision.
Secondly, if your serious about this boy - and visa-versa, then eventually you too will connect within your parents wishes... you could go over for christmas or he could come down for Thanks giving.
Thridly: in regards to college relationships: the saying goes is that they end as fast as they start... so, just saying... it's no good to betray your parents for some booty, regardless of how fine it may be.
OR
Don't go.
If something happens (to you or to your parents) and you aren't where you are supposed to be things could get really bad, really fast.
took out her barrettes and her hair spilled out like rootbeer
There's either that, or tell your parents you are 19 years old and can do whatever the hell you like. Respecting your parents wishes does not mean you should let them run your life. If they don't want you doing something in their house, fair enough. Going to visit some guy is outside their house, making it none of their business, and YOUR choice to make. You're hardly their little 13 year old virgin trying to sneak out to kiss boys anymore.
It still amazes me that of the 2 girls I knew with really rediculously overprotective parents, one ended up as a prostitute and the other a heroin addict. Just one of those things I find mildly amusing. I still see the junkie in the city from time to time, begging for money and cigarettes. Pretty sad because her family were pretty well off as far as I remember.
That's called backlash...this thread is proof of that. Apparently these parents did not get the memo that authoritarian parenting usually causes kids to "act out" more than they would than if the parents adopted a more authoritative style. They're obviously set in their ways though.
As much as I disagree with the way your parents are treating you (especially when you're not a minor) I'm gonna have to say that you should probably not go. You mentioned they pay for college, do you have an alternate way of paying if they pull the funds? I wouldn't be surprised if they did that if/when they find out about your little weekend trip. That's something very important to consider because no matter how awesome this guy is, finishing college is more important if you want to have any kind of future besides working in a dead end job for the rest of your life.
They might not pull funding though. After all, they want you to finish college. As an alternative they could refuse to pay for any college besides a local community college or university and require you to live at home. That would probably be worse than just waiting until September to see this guy.
If you think you can pay the tuition on your own, or qualify for financial aid then by all means go ahead.
Just something to consider.
Sounds crazy to me. I personally wouldn't do that to either of my kids for any reason.
The parents are crazy, that's been noted.
Like I said, they probably wouldn't pull it entirely. Just make her go somewhere closer to home so they could keep an eye on her.
It doesn't seem suprising at all. My Parents paid for my university fees and they expected me to do what they told me. I was in essence working for them, if I stopped working, they stopped paying. It seems more than reasonable to me.
Satans..... hints.....
The problems start when parents hold that financial control much further over their children's heads than an employer could hold a paypacket over an employee. The demands placed on the child's non-working, private life in particular are, to my mind, very difficult to justify. The college fees are being paid so that you'll get a college degree, and so long as you get it, you should be able to do what you want. I'd imagine you'd feel rather put-upon if your boss tried to set you a curfew. But this is all pretty OT. Start a DD thread if you want.
Loans (government or private). Scholarships. Fraud. Armed Robbery. Organ Trafficking. This is off topic, as I just said. Start a thread in DD or shut up.
If it was all so off topic then why did you even post? It's okay for you to say it but not for me to reply? I guess next time I want to win something I'll just say that it's all off topic anyway, that way no one can refute me.
Ugh...I'm not even gonna bother fighting a mod.
I speak from experience on this. I have a restraining order against one of my parents, the one who thought that raising me for half the week was a free pass to be a horrible overbearing shit of a human being; while the other one, the one who gave me freedom to make my own mistakes (while still proffering helpful advice before, during, and after), remains one of my closest friends and confidants.
They are her parents, they pay her tuition, as nice enough as they are to pay her tuition they have every right not to pay her tuition. If she pisses them off too much they may invoke this right. Therefore it make sense to me not to piss them off.
Satans..... hints.....
Them deciding to be dicks doesn't have to be the end of her world - as Cat said, there are always options. It might mean sacrifices and incovenience but the dividends she'll reap in terms of personal growth and mental health may well outweigh that. Ultimately, she's an adult, and this is her call to make, and quite frankly they can like it or lump it.
You're an adult and you are free to do as you please, whether they like it or not, but there is no reason to lie to them or sneak around behind their backs. It's disrespectful. It's more disrespectful than simply ignoring their wishes. On top of that, should there be some kind of emergency I don't think you'd want the lines of communication cut between yourself and your parents while you are out of town.
What part of "off topic" wasn't clear to you two? i have a whole forum over the way for stuff like this. It is lonely. It languishes. It wants your attention! Go give it a hug.
Yeah the minute someone opens my mail without my consent (unless it's by accident), I don't owe them jack shit. Now the people who couldn't drop this are getting 'fracted.
This is large.
Unless you're committed to looking after the house and there are pets to feed etc then they can't really use the "Our house, our rules" issue. Sure they can say what you can and can't do in my house but what you do outside of that house is entirely up to you.
PSN: SirGrinchX
Oculus Rift: Sir_Grinch
Final tip: if possible, explain the situation to a godparent or vaguely neutral aunt/uncle/adult family member, and ask them to mediate, prescence of another adult is a superb way to get parents to back down from unreasonable rules or expectations.
Also have to agree with previous people though, from what you've said it doesn't sound like this guy is 100% keen on the idea.
My sentiments exactly. You're an adult, act like one. You do not need to sneak around to do things that are perfectly legal. If there are consequences, then you should be ready to accept them.
That aside, I think the trip is a bad idea. You've only been seeing this guy for a few months (right?), and you'll see him again in a few months. Sounds like he'll even be working while you're there if you go. Really seems to me like you're putting a lot more effort into this meetup than he is. Is it really worth all the cost?
Nothing there raises any red flags for me. Sure the "habit" of opening her mail may seem odd, but isn't necessarily anything malicious or out of the ordinary. I know when I was at school my Freshman year, my parents would from time to time open mail that arrived at their house for me, and I don't imagine that's strange. They were essentially acting as a secretary for me, letting me know if anything important arrived and tossing anything that wasn't important (junk mail, etc.). I'd also excuse my parents for opening ANYTHING that arrived in their mailbox. After all, the only stuff that should arrive in their mailbox is their mail, right? I know I open stuff that's addressed to my wife, sometimes on accident. It's not a big deal. It happens. MF's other comments don't seem unusual for any kid to make. It's pretty normal for teenagers to feel that their parents are smothering them, ESPECIALLY as they move from high school to college.
I have to agree, I really do. Why do you have to go through all this effort? At least mention this to him and see how he feels.