TOPEKA, KS—Planned Parenthood announced Tuesday the grand opening of its long-planned $8 billion Abortionplex, a sprawling abortion facility that will allow the organization to terminate unborn lives with an efficiency never before thought possible.
During a press conference, Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards told reporters that the new state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility located in the nation's heartland offers quick, easy, in-and-out abortions to all women, and represents a bold reinvention of the group's long-standing mission and values.
"Although we've traditionally dedicated 97 percent of our resources to other important services such as contraception distribution, cancer screening, and STD testing, this new complex allows us to devote our full attention to what has always been our true passion: abortion," said Richards, standing under a banner emblazoned with Planned Parenthood's new slogan, "No Life Is Sacred." "And since Congress voted to retain our federal funding, it's going to be that much easier for us to maximize the number of tiny, beating hearts we stop every day."
If only this was true.
People really need to have scepticism taught to them from an early age
My thought process:
-Metroplex was a transformer.
-What if they had a transformer called Abortionplex?
-Would it be an Autobot or Decepticon
-Shit, I'm out of smokes.
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Raijin QuickfootI'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPAregular
edited May 2011
Thank you for ruining my day by posting this. I like to go through my day and pretend idiots like this don't exist. THANKS FOR REMINDIND ME!
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Goose!That's me, honeyShow me the way home, honeyRegistered Userregular
edited May 2011
We could discuss the Onion. Like wasn't there a show on Comedy Central by the Onion? What happened?
Munkus BeaverYou don't have to attend every argument you are invited to.Philosophy: Stoicism. Politics: Democratic SocialistRegistered User, ClubPAregular
edited May 2011
That sucks, because SportsDome was great and Sport Show sucks ass.
Munkus Beaver on
Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but dies in the process.
Posts
What a name
I see what you did there, but you may have dug too deep.
Secret Satan 2013 Wishlist
It's too late. He knows what he woke there in the depths. Shadow and flame.
My thought process:
-Metroplex was a transformer.
-What if they had a transformer called Abortionplex?
-Would it be an Autobot or Decepticon
-Shit, I'm out of smokes.
Because if I hadn't, those Facebook posts in the spoilers would have definitely pushed me over the edge.
Steam
I think it may have been replaced by a similar, but non-Onion show. (Sports Show as opposed to Onion SportsDome)
Steam
I would immediately de-friend those people if they were on my facefriend-list.
Maybe the Onion isn't as good of a "brand" as Norm MacDonald?
I also support work for Norm MacDonald
Second best Onion article
Not really an article, but still pretty fucking great.
MAN WALKS ON THE FUCKING MOON
Speaking of excellent headlines
still don't like abortion.
nah abortions are awesome dude
oh my goodness
its a web 2.0 thing
is there an app?
that's a horrible power
all of your satirical essays come true