ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
Yeah meetup is great too.. but since it's mostly local, if you're about to move you may as well wait.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
one thing I've done in the past, do you have any hobbies, either that you are already at a decent level of skill at , or even just one you suck at but want to get better?
I grew up snowboarding, even reached sponsor levels at one point in youth, but when moved , suddenly knew no one.
So I took a beginner class in snowboarding, and even once found out I was basically pro , no one minded, because I was more than willing to board with beginners and help out, and ended up with a few boarding companions I still board with to this day.
Yeah meetup is great too.. but since it's mostly local, if you're about to move you may as well wait.
I'm hopefully only moving down the street. It's more that I just need to recover for a while. I'm starting to come to terms with everything, but I still need to be approved for this apartment, move out, say final goodbyes and close the door to my new place for the first time with only me inside it. Writing up an amusing web profile is one thing, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to dump myself on people who have no idea who I am yet. I also need to get comfortable with my normal hobbies again too, because I'm having trouble getting settled. Normally I would devour a new book in a couple of sittings, but now I find myself stopping at the end of every chapter to get up and move around. I'm also not eating very much because my appetite hasn't bounced back yet. Can't get excited about cooking just for me.
She's off at Disney with friends for Halloween, and I couldn't even go to the grocery store because planning a week of food I wouldn't be making/sharing with her was too much for me. That was a step back.
Looks like I got the apartment I wanted. Best for my money that I'd found. 2BR upper level unit on a freestanding house with a W/D in unit, and 2 parking spaces in a driveway. Makes it easy for people to visit me. My wife hasn't moved on anything yet, though, and all the ones she had liked were gone when she started calling today. I know it's not really my problem, but it's hard to just be like "Should have moved faster" about it. I don't want her to be stranded.
I'll be signing tomorrow and then I'll be able to begin the slow moving process. I'm still pretty damn terrified, but at least it'll be comfortable and the cats will have a safe place.
I don't really want to feel proud about this. I loved the life I thought we were building toward. I think I'm kind of a family man by nature. She accused me of lacking drive and having no passion, but I put everything I had into the household. I work a good job that just isn't sexy or exciting in any way, so for whatever reason she got her inspiration from other sources and that became the crux of the problem.
*edit* The apartment is even better than I hoped for. The young couple that owns the place is super nice, and there are avocado and orange trees in the back yard I'll be able to help myself to. It's like I've been rewarded for these weeks of shit.
My parents are roughly in a similar situation. I lived with them up through when I was going to college, and around the time I graduated my mom decided she didn't want to live with my dad anymore for a variety of reasons. She and my sister moved out (but still pretty close, about a 20 minute drive), me and my dad moved into a smaller house to split the rent because it's not cheap here.
We're now ~5 years after that, and the two of them still talk pretty much every night, they're still married (just separated), they see each other fairly often for "hey lets get dinner" or "I need help with a thing", they go to concerts together every couple months, neither of them have had a serious relationship since despite trying to date, etc... Basically they're still a huge part, possibly the biggest part of each other's lives, despite realizing it was unrealistic to try to continue living together.
My point is, I'm not trying to give you hope because I don't know you or your wife or the situation well, but I want you to know that there's at least a possibility that this doesn't have to be the complete end of your relationship with her...
But the caveat of that is it's a two way street, you can't force it to work. Both of you have to be interested in that kind of setup. And if you do get the same kind of arrangement my parents have, you need to be prepared for the eventuality that someday she might find someone new, because I'm perpetually worried my mother will and it will just devastate my dad, who very clearly still holds a torch for the day when they will reconcile and live together again far more than she does.
I won't lie and say I'm not hoping she comes around and finds I was more important to her than she realized. I've definitely been guilty of getting complacent about things in my own life like that. I'm also not the kind of person who will just jump back in feet first, though, regardless of the intensity of my feelings. If she does end up wanting to get back together, it will be dating and counseling will happen before there's any movement on moving back in together. There's definitely some stuff that needs to be ironed out.
Try not to compare how you and your ex are coping. Don't set yourself up in competition to cope "better" or "worse." Just relax and be kind to yourself. Spend plenty of time in the yard. The California sunshine is a great tonic. Read a book in the shade, sipping a lemonade.
I don't know how I'm going to feel after this move, but at the moment the gut-clenching anxiety I've been having has kind of given over to just a sense of hollowness. Maybe that's progress? At least my appetite is starting to come back. This has been such a crazy roller coaster. I'm 31 and this is the first genuine loss I've had to suffer.
Artereis on
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
That's about how it goes in my experience. You give everything you've got to hope, and then it turns into... hollow. You'll find things to fill it with over time.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Echo that feeling entirely. It's important to remember that while it totally sucks, that hollowness does fill back up. Also, your cat(s) will help. Like, a lot.
Trust me on that one.
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
Anything you can hug. My best friend is currently living with us, and is always good for a hug. It helps tremendously even on normal bad days, but the fact that he's been there just for that single thing has been just the biggest deal.
Figure out a way to hug something warm. It's not everything, but it's something and that's huge.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Figure out a way to hug something warm. It's not everything, but it's something and that's huge.
don't hug your stove though
+5
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ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
Or that radiator girl from the radiator planet
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
I'm not really big on bodily harm, so I'll try to exercise good judgment when it comes to hugging things. It was surprising to learn that both my wife and mother were super worried that I'd hurt myself over this. I'll admit that I've had bouts of not caring if something completely outside of my control took me out, but I'm way too much of a coward with respect to death or some kind of long term permanent damage to inflict anything on myself.
I've started moving stuff out. It's going to be a slow process, though, because the owners still need to put in the A/C, and some of the new furniture won't arrive for a week. Now that it's all started I just want it to be over with.
This thread is about winding down for now, I think. Everything is moved in. The cats have been relocated and are quickly adjusting to the new place. I knew living on my own was going to be weird, but I didn't know just how that would feel. Every day tasks are fine. Killing time with hobbies is fine. There's just this really defined undercurrent of misery running through everything and man does it smack you in the face when you're between distractions. Contact has been reduced now that the move is done but there are still a few things we'll need to talk about to split up.
I ended up calling her parents the other day when I was in a rough spot and we talked for a while. They're just as confused as I am about this whole thing, but are really hesitant in talking about it with her when she's home for the holidays because they don't want to push her away by bringing it up. For as long as we've been together they knew that they never had to worry about her because if anything happened I'd be there, so me being out of the picture (for now, or whatever) has them thinking a lot more about her general welfare.
Since we're now living apart, I've been approaching this whole thing as if it's permanently over, but I've given a fair amount of thought to what would happen if she did reconsider the actual divorce part of this. Part of me is concerned that the idea of getting her (extended) family back would be the bigger draw. I've always been really close to them. I'm not yet sure how I would approach that and know that I'm seeing clearly.
Don't let your hope for better things lead you to put yourself in a bad position with regard to assets you shared.
And for an unpleasant thought you should not read unless you want to feel worse:
Don't be shocked if her talk of being alone for a while was not serious, or if she ends up with Mr. Electricity from work before long. I'm sorry dude, it's miserable to have a marriage come apart. Try not to let her tell you about it, if she starts to. You need to protect your own mental health, and let her do her thing without involving you.
People who have leaned on someone for as long as she leaned on you will have serious challenges not trying to find the same thing again.
You should feel good about yourself and how you approached this. Good luck in the coming months.
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CambiataCommander ShepardThe likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered Userregular
This thread is about winding down for now, I think. Everything is moved in. The cats have been relocated and are quickly adjusting to the new place. I knew living on my own was going to be weird, but I didn't know just how that would feel. Every day tasks are fine. Killing time with hobbies is fine. There's just this really defined undercurrent of misery running through everything and man does it smack you in the face when you're between distractions. Contact has been reduced now that the move is done but there are still a few things we'll need to talk about to split up.
I ended up calling her parents the other day when I was in a rough spot and we talked for a while. They're just as confused as I am about this whole thing, but are really hesitant in talking about it with her when she's home for the holidays because they don't want to push her away by bringing it up. For as long as we've been together they knew that they never had to worry about her because if anything happened I'd be there, so me being out of the picture (for now, or whatever) has them thinking a lot more about her general welfare.
Since we're now living apart, I've been approaching this whole thing as if it's permanently over, but I've given a fair amount of thought to what would happen if she did reconsider the actual divorce part of this. Part of me is concerned that the idea of getting her (extended) family back would be the bigger draw. I've always been really close to them. I'm not yet sure how I would approach that and know that I'm seeing clearly.
I want to awesome this post, but I don't want you to think I think your pain is awesome (because I don't think that). I just want to say I think you're being really healthy with this, doing the right things, considering your own wants etcetera.
Your pain right now is real and it's generally unavoidable just at the moment. But you're doing the right things with it. Time is the only thing that will heal the pain, so in the meantime take care of yourself, treat yourself as well as you possible can, do your hobbies and live your life, and wait it out.
I wish you all the best.
"If you divide the whole world into just enemies and friends, you'll end up destroying everything" --Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind
I've been remiss in thanking everyone who's posted in this thread. This is the hardest thing I've had to deal with so far, so I really appreciate all the different viewpoints. I spent a lot of time trying to find out what was wrong with me or my hobbies or my job or my general outlook and getting over that has been the biggest help in moving forward.
Posts
I grew up snowboarding, even reached sponsor levels at one point in youth, but when moved , suddenly knew no one.
So I took a beginner class in snowboarding, and even once found out I was basically pro , no one minded, because I was more than willing to board with beginners and help out, and ended up with a few boarding companions I still board with to this day.
I'm hopefully only moving down the street. It's more that I just need to recover for a while. I'm starting to come to terms with everything, but I still need to be approved for this apartment, move out, say final goodbyes and close the door to my new place for the first time with only me inside it. Writing up an amusing web profile is one thing, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to dump myself on people who have no idea who I am yet. I also need to get comfortable with my normal hobbies again too, because I'm having trouble getting settled. Normally I would devour a new book in a couple of sittings, but now I find myself stopping at the end of every chapter to get up and move around. I'm also not eating very much because my appetite hasn't bounced back yet. Can't get excited about cooking just for me.
She's off at Disney with friends for Halloween, and I couldn't even go to the grocery store because planning a week of food I wouldn't be making/sharing with her was too much for me. That was a step back.
I'll be signing tomorrow and then I'll be able to begin the slow moving process. I'm still pretty damn terrified, but at least it'll be comfortable and the cats will have a safe place.
*edit* The apartment is even better than I hoped for. The young couple that owns the place is super nice, and there are avocado and orange trees in the back yard I'll be able to help myself to. It's like I've been rewarded for these weeks of shit.
My parents are roughly in a similar situation. I lived with them up through when I was going to college, and around the time I graduated my mom decided she didn't want to live with my dad anymore for a variety of reasons. She and my sister moved out (but still pretty close, about a 20 minute drive), me and my dad moved into a smaller house to split the rent because it's not cheap here.
We're now ~5 years after that, and the two of them still talk pretty much every night, they're still married (just separated), they see each other fairly often for "hey lets get dinner" or "I need help with a thing", they go to concerts together every couple months, neither of them have had a serious relationship since despite trying to date, etc... Basically they're still a huge part, possibly the biggest part of each other's lives, despite realizing it was unrealistic to try to continue living together.
My point is, I'm not trying to give you hope because I don't know you or your wife or the situation well, but I want you to know that there's at least a possibility that this doesn't have to be the complete end of your relationship with her...
But the caveat of that is it's a two way street, you can't force it to work. Both of you have to be interested in that kind of setup. And if you do get the same kind of arrangement my parents have, you need to be prepared for the eventuality that someday she might find someone new, because I'm perpetually worried my mother will and it will just devastate my dad, who very clearly still holds a torch for the day when they will reconcile and live together again far more than she does.
Or freshly squeezed orange juice from the tree you now have access to.
Steam Me
Trust me on that one.
Figure out a way to hug something warm. It's not everything, but it's something and that's huge.
don't hug your stove though
I ended up calling her parents the other day when I was in a rough spot and we talked for a while. They're just as confused as I am about this whole thing, but are really hesitant in talking about it with her when she's home for the holidays because they don't want to push her away by bringing it up. For as long as we've been together they knew that they never had to worry about her because if anything happened I'd be there, so me being out of the picture (for now, or whatever) has them thinking a lot more about her general welfare.
Since we're now living apart, I've been approaching this whole thing as if it's permanently over, but I've given a fair amount of thought to what would happen if she did reconsider the actual divorce part of this. Part of me is concerned that the idea of getting her (extended) family back would be the bigger draw. I've always been really close to them. I'm not yet sure how I would approach that and know that I'm seeing clearly.
Don't let your hope for better things lead you to put yourself in a bad position with regard to assets you shared.
And for an unpleasant thought you should not read unless you want to feel worse:
People who have leaned on someone for as long as she leaned on you will have serious challenges not trying to find the same thing again.
You should feel good about yourself and how you approached this. Good luck in the coming months.
I want to awesome this post, but I don't want you to think I think your pain is awesome (because I don't think that). I just want to say I think you're being really healthy with this, doing the right things, considering your own wants etcetera.
Your pain right now is real and it's generally unavoidable just at the moment. But you're doing the right things with it. Time is the only thing that will heal the pain, so in the meantime take care of yourself, treat yourself as well as you possible can, do your hobbies and live your life, and wait it out.
I wish you all the best.
The only other option is staying in hell.