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A Talking Cat!?!

MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicinesRegistered User regular
edited April 2013 in Social Entropy++
So, today, I'm going to tell you all about what it's like to go insane. Not the normal, run of the mill insanity that I trundle through on a daily basis, but a special kind of hellish insanity, a type that compels you to sit and scream at a TV for an hour and a half.

I'm going to tell you about a movie called 'A Talking Cat!?!', which I watched last night, from beginning to end. Continuing to watch the movie after realizing what I was in for is akin to seeing something in the distance and walking towards it, until it becomes clear that the object on the horizon is a spike-wall and not slowing pace at all

Now, what sets this bad movie apart from all the other bad movies that I watch and love? What warrants a write up? Well, for one, there are only two sets in the entire movie. Second, the seemingly random string of punctuation at the end of the title. Third, there are seven actors in the movie - not a single extra. But really, makes this more than run of the mill bad is...

Well, let me show you.

To start, here's the DVD cover


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Meet the entire cast. Sort of.


Which makes the film look like a shitty, run of the mill Snow-Dogs-esque feature. Harmless enough.

Until the movie starts.

The movie opens with shots of nature. I hope you like shots of nature. I hope you like the exact same shots of nature that show up throughout the film inexplicably, for no reason at all.


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This is the first of 700 times this shot shows up.


Over this scenic, majestic lake, we hear narration.
Duffy wrote:
I like the woods. I always have. Don’t get me wrong. I like to be indoors on a nice, fluffy bed as much as anyone, more than anyone, probably. I’ve heard them say, ‘It’s the simple things you should appreciate most.’ Mmmm hmm. And right now it’s the wind in the trees and the smells in the air. This place has magic! And people nowadays are way more concerned with their tiny, shiny, beeping machines than they are with the simple joys of living. Sometimes I’m propelled to come out to this place and do a little meditation, they call it, or communing with nature, or just letting the magic guide me. Because I help people. Even if they don’t know they need help, because as I’ve discovered, people need all the help they can get!

Yes, that's what opens the movie. In addition to it being terribly written, the delivery is next to impossible to understand, so much so that my friends and I paused the movie trying to figure out how much they paid the guy to record his lines. He sounds about as coherent as the text messages I send out at 12:00 on a Saturday night. In addition, he sounds like he's literally phoning it in. After some protracted debate, we continued the movie. The opening credits... they... they let you know that nothing you're about to watch is going to make any sense, on any kind of level.


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The opening credits is five minutes. Of this.


The opening credits use the same filter as my hate induced nightmares. That's the same filter that goes over my eyes when someone insults my family or the eggs I made them or when my shoes are untied. When I see that, I fear. I fear everything; I fear the man I have become, I fear for the future, and I fear what I will do.

There are various shots of the cat, and, as I'm sure you've noticed, that's not the same cat that's on the poster. In fact, Squeaky (as he's known in real life) looks like a thoroughly miserable feline, and sounds like a drunk


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Fuck everything.


Eric. Roberts.

Eric fucking Roberts? Julia Roberts estranged brother? Sal Maroni, the vice-villain of The Dark Knight? Head villain of The Expendables? What the fuck? How can he -


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He's the busiest functioning addict alive.


The list continues. He has forty seven movies in production for the 2013 calendar year. And yet, he still found time for this movie.

The basic, basic plot is as follows:

There are two families, both single-parent, both opposite gendered parents. There's a Dad, who looks very much like at any point he's going to fall over from a ham overdose, and his highly effete English tutor of a son. The Dad, Phil, is a software developer who, in one of the more brilliant bits of dialogue in the film, tells his son - Chris - that he no longer works at the development firm that he used to, because

It’s over. The company. We sold the websites, the interfaces, the code that I worked half of my life on. Sold myself out of a job! Now they say I have enough money to retire.


OH, IS THAT IT? Did you all sell the algorithms and the matrixes? Please tell me you didn't let them hack the mainframe!

Phil wants to use all this new time to bond with his son, and his son so loves the idea that he storms off upstairs. He then gets a phone call from Frannie, a classmate, and who the fuck named her. Did the writer lose an aunt during script development and decide to honor her by - fucking Frannie fucking for real? Sadly, she's played by Alison Sieke, who isn't a terrible actress. On the one side, she has the most charisma out of anyone in the cast, but on the other, she hasn't Tweeted me back, so the jury is still out on her.


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I later found out through internet investigation that it's probably the director's house, where he also shoots porn.
I feel kind of bad for asking now.


The problem with having to tutor her - and she quite clearly needs no tutoring and is only using this clever ruse as a thin veneer to involve herself wholesale in Chris's very un-dramatic, unimpressive, motherless life - is that he can't talk to girls. At all. In what is probably the only endearing part of the movie, he fumbles his way through a phone call with her, acting like a homeless guy who was just given ten dollars and told he has fifteen seconds to order a sandwich from Subway or he'll be shot - the kind of nervous, sweaty fear that comes from doing things that make you scared. And sweaty.

I know at this point, you've noticed I have not mentioned the cat.

That's because the cat... well, at this point in filming, Eric Roberts is still stumbling around his kitchen, screaming incoherently into his phone while looking for more things to drink (he can't life the five gallon jug of Vodka to put on the water cooler to replace the one he just finished) - so Duffy the Cat just kind of wanders around people's houses narrating things. What things?

Nothing at goddamn all. He just talks and talks, smarmy and intoxicated, about how little he understands humans. And how much he wants deli-meat and milk.

Also, at several points throughout the movie, people seem to be incredulous that there's a cat present, questioning whether or not it's really there, or if it is, indeed, a cat. The fanfare when he actually starts talking is decidedly tame, as if the oddity in the situation is that there's a cat at all. The fucking title of the movie is more surprised that there's a talking cat than anyone in the actual film.

See, Duffy boasts throughout the run time that he's mystical and helps people by giving them cryptic advice that even he doesn't understand.

His advice goes as follows:

Go for a walk in the woods. (To Phil)
Don't let one setback ruin everything. (To Chris)
Check your beep-machine. (To Tina, Susan's daughter)
Arbaleaerjf *vomit noises* (To Trent, Susan's son)


And that's it. He doesn't even talk to Frannie or Susan - he talks four times before the third act drama. Because, you see, there are rules governing how often he can talk, and I think that's shorthand for how often we can afford the effects budget to do this


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I can't even what is this oh


So, Duffy brings Phil and Susan together - Susan, being a caterer who operates out of her single-stove cabin?!? who is trying to land a client and decides the best way to do this is to yell at her kids and make her kids miserable.

Tina came up with an awesome computer program that helps you catalogue your outfits and will help you pick out new outfits. Meanwhile, her brother, Trent is having an existential crisis. For a handsome seventeen year old, he sure as shit doesn't have his life together, a fact Tina won't let him forget. Leading to this memorable line after thinking about accepting an internship that involves toys...

Trent wrote:
Besides, toys and stuff is for people with imaginations and creative type stuff.


I'm not going to spoil the rest of the movie for you; what happens?

Do Phil and Susan work out their differences?

Can Chris and Frannie work things out? You see, Frannie wants to go swimming and Chris doesn't want to, because he never learned and the water scares him, so he tells her she can go swim by herself and oh my god is this a metaphor for sex? Then... when Trent teaches Chris how to swim, does it... oh. oh. Oh my God. What.


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Back: Trent. Front: Chris.
this is i can never unsee now that i know now that i know now that i


Will Tina get her app up and running? Does she have the right matrices?

Will be we treated to a ten minute montage of Chris and Phil scanning their clothes into the computer with a booklight?


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Yes


Will Susan's catering business (of which she only seems to make one item, Cheese Puffs of some kind) land her first big client?

Will Alison Sieke ever respond to my tweet?


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Oh God I hope so



Finally, for reading all of this, I'll show you an incredibly graphic picture of Duffy, after he's hit by a car. This is not for the weak of stomach.


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WILL HE EVER RECOVER!?!



This movie is so bad that it got to the point last night where we weren't making fun of it anymore - we were just screaming incoherently at the screen. Scene transitions? I hope you like the same shots of the house and the beach and the woods. Even if we're just moving from one room of the house to another, we still get two establishing shots, just in case we forgot we were at that house. Is there a two minute, dialogue free scene of a car driving? Yes. Yes there is. I hope you like a heroes journey to find a replacement magic collar that Trent assures us can cure Duffy from his vehicle-poisoning that takes all of two minutes.

And I really, sincerely hope that you can accept the fact that everyone who doesn't hear Duffy speak also accepts the fact that Duffy did, in fact, speak. And this will endear their respective love interests to them - Frannie will love Chris even more for telling her a cat talked, and Susan just don't give a fuck about nothin'.

Wait... we weren't making fun of the movie.

The movie was making fun of us.


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Fuck you.


"A Talking Cat!?!" is now streaming on Netflix, and is highly recommended by me.

BONUS DIALOGUE
Chris: Dad, did we get a cat?
Phil: No, why?
Chris: What do you do when you like a girl?
Phil: Well, uh…
Chris: Oh, I did see a cat. That one.
Phil: Yeah, me too.
Chris: Weird, right?
Phil: Hey, let’s order that pizza.
Chris: Yeah, I’d like that.

"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
"Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
MalReynolds on
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    HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    What... did I just read.

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    MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    Yes.

    Yeah.

    Yes.

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
  • Options
    ChicoBlueChicoBlue Registered User regular
    I once saw a film about a talking pussy.

    It was French.

  • Options
    HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    edited April 2013
    32-floyd_zps044157ed.gif

    Hacksaw on
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    Bluedude152Bluedude152 Registered User regular
    Please let this be the horrible movie thread

    I need to discuss the subtleties in the movie Rubber

    p0a2ody6sqnt.jpg
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    GustavGustav Friend of Goats Somewhere in the OzarksRegistered User regular
    I read Nathan Rabin's write up on this for AVClub. My friends and I were discussing having a Troll 2 party soon, but I'm going to see if we can sub this in instead.

    Because oh my god.

    aGPmIBD.jpg
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    MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    Gustav wrote: »
    I read Nathan Rabin's write up on this for AVClub. My friends and I were discussing having a Troll 2 party soon, but I'm going to see if we can sub this in instead.

    Because oh my god.

    I honestly don't know if I can recommend using alcohol for the movie; I watched it sober. I think if I watched it drunk, my mind would have broken in totality.

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
  • Options
    SyphyreSyphyre A Dangerous Pastime Registered User regular
    The part I like the best about the box cover is that underneath the two actors' names, that I do not recognize, are a list of credits of movies they have been in, that I also do not recognize.

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    BroloBrolo Broseidon Lord of the BroceanRegistered User regular
    A Talking Cat!?!! was distributed by Phase4 films.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v69WhC5mHFM&list=UUrTCSg1flByQZnbennwvpcA&index=35

    Challenge: find the worst trailer on Phase4's youtube channel.

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    GustavGustav Friend of Goats Somewhere in the OzarksRegistered User regular
    Gustav wrote: »
    I read Nathan Rabin's write up on this for AVClub. My friends and I were discussing having a Troll 2 party soon, but I'm going to see if we can sub this in instead.

    Because oh my god.

    I honestly don't know if I can recommend using alcohol for the movie; I watched it sober. I think if I watched it drunk, my mind would have broken in totality.

    When you stare into the abyss A TALKING CAT!?! stares back.

    aGPmIBD.jpg
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    GatsbyGatsby Registered User regular
    Birdpocalypse.

    That's all I'm gonna say.

    I'll let you discover it for yourself.

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    BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    @Swill thread

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    Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    its me

    i am cat

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    DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Mal, I think it's clear you have a problem and you should talk to someone. Fortunately I know this cat..

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    ArangArang HUEY LEWISRegistered User regular
    I saw the first fifteen minutes of santa buddies and suddenly realized how precious our lives on this earth is

    we're running out of time

    thenews.jpg
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    GatsbyGatsby Registered User regular

    As much as I love this video

    You absolutely have to watch the full thing

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    MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    Druhim wrote: »
    Mal, I think it's clear you have a problem and you should talk to someone. Fortunately I know this cat..

    I hope he can talk to people more than once, because it's going to take more than one session.

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
  • Options
    BeastehBeasteh THAT WOULD NOT KILL DRACULARegistered User regular
    jontron is a funny guy

    i like gamegrumps

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    AntimatterAntimatter Devo Was Right Gates of SteelRegistered User regular
    that birdemic review is the best thing jontron's done

    but yes, everyone needs to watch the whole movie

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    HobnailHobnail Registered User regular
    This is truly glorious and thank you for making me aware of Eric Roberts' demonic energy

    Broke as fuck and the bills past due, all amounts assist and are kindly received.

    https://www.paypal.me/hobnailtaylor
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    PhotosaurusPhotosaurus Bay Area, CARegistered User regular
    Gatsby wrote: »

    As much as I love this video

    You absolutely have to watch the full thing

    I really, really want them to do another screening in the bay area. I only recently discovered this movie when I moved out here. I can't imagine what it was like to have been at the actual opening in LA.

    "If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards'."
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    Fire TruckFire Truck I love my SELFRegistered User regular
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    Duke 2.0Duke 2.0 Time Trash Cat Registered User regular
    I had no idea I could read cracked articles on penny arcade, neat!

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    DidgeridooDidgeridoo Flighty Dame Registered User regular
    How in the goddamn world has no one posted the trailer yet

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-h-KpG2tHM

    Look at it, just LOOK AT IT

    I'd thought the picture of the cat talking in the OP was a deliberately horrible photoshop to make fun of the technology in the movie but no, no that is actually what it looks like

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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    my head...

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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    ohmygod that trailer.

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
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    ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    ohmygod just....this

    I can't

    That

    ohmygod.

    Twitter! | Dilige, et quod vis fac
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    The Lovely BastardThe Lovely Bastard Registered User regular
    hi hello a talking cat thread

    i remember watching this movie a few months ago

    it's cray cray but it's not the most cray movie on netflix at the time being

    that would be the nude vampire, last i checked

    everyone watch the nude vampire

    i guarantee there is nudity in it

    7656367.jpg
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    spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    The trailer uses comic sans.

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    BroloBrolo Broseidon Lord of the BroceanRegistered User regular
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    MalReynoldsMalReynolds The Hunter S Thompson of incredibly mild medicines Registered User regular
    Rolo wrote: »

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."
    "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor
    My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!
  • Options
    The Lovely BastardThe Lovely Bastard Registered User regular
    the actual best parts of a talking cat are the times you can clearly see the laser pointer guiding the talking cat to its scenes
    or the food hidden in shoes to keep the talking cat where it needed to be

    i like to pretend someone recorded eric roberts in his garage mumbling incoherently and made a cat movie about it

    i also like to pretend that the 80's dressup montage was far more fabulous because of how flamboyant that dang son was

    that was like his one scene to shine other than the orgasmic swimming lesson he did with that neighbor boy

    they were totes rubbing boners under that water and you know it

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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    hi hello a talking cat thread

    i remember watching this movie a few months ago

    it's cray cray but it's not the most cray movie on netflix at the time being

    that would be the nude vampire, last i checked

    everyone watch the nude vampire

    i guarantee there is nudity in it

    sell me on nude vampire

  • Options
    Fire TruckFire Truck I love my SELFRegistered User regular
    PiptheFair wrote: »
    hi hello a talking cat thread

    i remember watching this movie a few months ago

    it's cray cray but it's not the most cray movie on netflix at the time being

    that would be the nude vampire, last i checked

    everyone watch the nude vampire

    i guarantee there is nudity in it

    sell me on nude vampire

    uhhhhh he already said there's nudity in it

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    The Lovely BastardThe Lovely Bastard Registered User regular
    it's about the x-men but with sexy vampire orgies, genetic experiments, and people in eyes wide shut masks fighting.

    there's also a suicide cult in it and alternate dimensions.

    7656367.jpg
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    PiptheFairPiptheFair Frequently not in boats. Registered User regular
    it's about the x-men but with sexy vampire orgies, genetic experiments, and people in eyes wide shut masks fighting.

    there's also a suicide cult in it and alternate dimensions.

    what

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    The Lovely BastardThe Lovely Bastard Registered User regular
    that's what the nude vampire is about!

    also the main character has very nice hair

    7656367.jpg
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    The Lovely BastardThe Lovely Bastard Registered User regular
    oh and titties errywhere

    just bouncing up down like gummi bears

    a good high adventure

    this joke went too far

    7656367.jpg
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