2019 Sanrio Character Ranking [chat]

simonwolf

Two years ago, chat participated in their god-given right to vote for an elected character representative to be the Semi-Official Chat Mascot Sanrio Character Brand. However, per the constitution of this fair digital land, the tenure of Gudetama is over, and a new candidate elected.

Based on the Official 2019 Sanrio Character Ranking, we have the top ten candidates to choose from!



Hello Kitty
The unstoppable force who is not a cat, can the world's #1 character take the prize this year, or will the Kitty Liberation Army (Meowist) have to declare protracted people's war??


Cinnamoroll
Perpetually bullied fluff and decorated veteran of the Weltkrieg, can Cinnamoroll say "eff the haters" and reign supreme??


Pompompurin
The dog with the dapper hat, are this dog's chances good, or soft as pudding??


They may be my melody, but are they your melody, a tune worthy of being the people's champion??


Pochacco
Well his name's Pochacco and he's here to say // he's here to rap for the voters today??


Little Twin Stars
A two for one deal, can these flying space-children secure the polls, or will the conspiracy theories surrounding them win over the voters??


Kuromi
The rival of My Melody, will this black beauty hanging chad her way to victory??


Yoshikitty
The wild horse candidate, can this officially-endorsed collaboration between Sanrio and X JAPAN's leader, YOSHIKI, make good??


gudetama
The people's hero returning to the polls, can comrade gudetama make another victory for laziness as praxis??


Tuxedo Sam
The Antarctic Daydream, this dapper penguin is making another run for office -- but are his chances lukewarm like the melting icecaps, or boiling hot like the future of our planet??

RMS Oceanic

I was about to post about how to screw up selling chocolate.

RedTide

Cinnamoroll

Vote Cinnamoroll- or the breakfast dessert tribe will come burn down your village

Honk

Tuxedo Sam

Tuxedosam is new to me, but I went “aaaaaw” out loud when seeing him so he’s my choice!

ronya

gudetama

I guess this makes sense, in retrospect -

... Spotted soon became a matchmaking service, using the data it had collected to try to rationalize the endorsement process. The company signed up Nike, Neiman Marcus, and H&M. But it turned out that brands didn’t really want to be told which stars best suited their image. “The brand would ask us to look at a list of five or ten people,” said Comenos. “Our scores would show that the majority, if not all of them, scored really low in terms of trust and likability and appeal with the brand’s target customers.” The recipients of those reports weren’t grateful; they “were pissed off.” They felt second-guessed.

Eventually, Comenos turned for advice to an ad veteran, Sir Martin Sorrell. Sorrell had recently resigned from the advertising juggernaut WPP, reportedly after it was discovered that he had visited a brothel on the company dime. (He has publicly denied it.) Perhaps out of a fresh appreciation for the fallout from disgrace, he told her she’d have much more success by playing to advertisers’ fears: “Focus on the risk.” Comenos decided to pivot again.

Hanes is the current co-president of the North American Contingency Association. In May, his new boss headlined its annual conference for the public debut of what was now rebranded as SpottedRisk. Comenos took the stage wearing a Britney Spears concert T-shirt and laid out some of the behaviors tracked by Spotted: public intoxication, cultural insensitivity, child pornography, animal abuse, gang affiliation, bribery, physical attacks, ethnic discrimination, racially charged commentary, cocaine possession, bullying, extortion, sexism, DUI, tax evasion, sexual assault, possession of a deadly weapon, ageism, transphobia, child negligence, arson, child abuse, solicitation, body shaming, infidelity, and bankruptcy. She cited Spotted data showing a 29 percent increase in disgraceful events from 2017 to 2018 — despite which only 1 percent of productions bought disgrace insurance. She got a laugh when she said, “Males tend to be a little riskier overall, not surprisingly.”

According to Spotted, all kinds of things make one celebrity riskier than another. Firstborns are at slightly higher risk of disgrace, as are those under 35 or who’ve suffered recent breakups — until the passage of time sends the bereft partner back down the “risk-decay curve.” But behaviors are far more important than demographics. Mishaps needn’t be catastrophic events; drunk driving looms large because it signals “poor impulse control and emotion regulation,” according to Pete Dearborn, Spotted’s second behavioral scientist. (Comenos calls him and Hutchinson “the Doctors of Disgrace”.) Another risk is association — the kind of company that, say, Hailey Baldwin keeps (husband Justin Bieber, for one). Often it comes down to finding not a skeleton in a closet but a trail of half-buried bones.

Mitigating the risks are seemingly fuzzier factors such as “likability” and “resilience.” Sometimes positive behaviors can help people bounce back (as they did for Aziz Ansari, whose sensitivity and self-questioning have raised his “trustworthiness” 13.38 percentile points since he was accused of sexual aggression). Other times, it’s beyond their control. Spacey may have been doubly doomed because he has played so many bad characters. “Individuals who play villainous roles are not forgiven at as high a rate,” said Comenos.

She didn’t mention Spacey’s sexuality. Spotted has, for now, excluded “protected class” attributes from its model, avoiding the most blatant kinds of profiling (though it does track education levels and other proxies for class). But here is the controversial, incontrovertible fact of disgrace insurance: It is not a moral arbiter of behavior but a reflection of society’s tolerance of it. Spotted aims to quantify our standards, which are never as immutable as we think they are. Disgrace has always been subjective; that’s why past policies have been constructed so vaguely.

And that is why the Outcry Index is arguably more important than the risk score. (It’s also the one Spotted was more willing to share; the company felt that releasing celebrities’ risk scores could be libelous.) After a disgrace event, the Boston data team writes about 25 questions testing the public’s recall of and reaction to the scandal and sends them to Kantar, a research firm that conducts online polls on days one, four, seven, and so on. Data is collected for 30 days, though the claim is triggered after a week. The results fall into one of five tiers, each of which pays out at 20 percent: A Tier 1 event pays $2 million on a $10 million policy, while a Tier 4 pays $8 million. This set of what the industry calls “parametric triggers” is common for measurable events like earthquakes and hurricanes but is new to disgrace.

All those numbers don’t necessarily add up to a real policy; data may make a big impression among venture capitalists, but the proof will be in the payouts. In order to demonstrate the viability of the product to the investors at Lloyd’s, Spotted has run giant simulations on disgrace events over the past year, creating a sort of alternate universe in which the entire entertainment industry carried its insurance. In its models, Felicity Huffman’s disgrace was only a Tier 1, meriting $2 million, while Lori Loughlin’s was a Tier 2 (not as likable/popular; she didn’t apologize). The documentary Surviving R. Kelly triggered a Tier 3, but then Kelly’s February arrest promoted him to Tier 4. Jussie Smollett was only a Tier 1 because the allegations were murky in the public’s mind. Louis C.K. was a 2; Roseanne Barr and Matt Lauer were 3’s, Spacey a 4. The $10 million jackpots, the Tier 5’s, were paid out by the fictional insurers of Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein.

Tav

https://twitter.com/superduperskank/status/1161855105232039936?s=21

HappylilElf

Kuromi

*squints ignorantly trying to figure out the joke option*

simonwolf

Tuxedo Sam

OP updated with images of the candidates.

simonwolf

Tuxedo Sam

I also restricted myself to 10, despite apparently having the option to give way more poll choices, but we missed out on some good dark horse candidates from the Sanrio character pool

Clear contenders like Bad Badzt Maru missed out since they were #12 on the official ranking, and then you have some oddballs

for example, Hangyodon is a "fish-like creature" who debuted in 1985


then there's Shinkansen, an anthropomorphic bullet train??


and then there's Zashikibuta, a cool laid-back pig who I definitely need to learn more about

Atomika

Tuxedo Sam

I picked Tuxedo Sam because I had plush one as a babb and loved it dearly

simonwolf

Tuxedo Sam

chatters interested in learning all the facts about these candidates may wish to read my previously-published critical analysis of Tuxedo Sam

tyrannus

this is gonna sad pretty pathetic but someone I've talked to every day broke the streak today and I know it's because they're having a tough time

just sucks

Athenor

Kuromi

Isn't Aggretsuki a Sanrio character?

simonwolf

Tuxedo Sam

Athenor wrote: »

Isn't Aggretsuki a Sanrio character?

She is, but she ranked #41 in the official ranking, a far cry from the position required for nomination here

bloodyroarxx

Jesus this lady never stopped apparently

is an American family lawyer, author, interior designer, real estate developer, background singer, legal/relationship/life consultant, guest host, and talk show presenter.

Sarksus

simonwolf wrote: »

Athenor wrote: »

Isn't Aggretsuki a Sanrio character?

She is, but she ranked #41 in the official ranking, a far cry from the position required for nomination here

FUCK YOUR RANKING

SHE'LL JUMP FROM ON HIGH

41 FLOORS UP

AND CRUSH YOUR SPIIIIIIIIINE

simonwolf

Tuxedo Sam

aggretsubros out in force today

knitdan

gudetama

All hail Lord EggButt

Atomika

Tuxedo Sam

My favorite plush toys when I was BabbAtomika:

- Tuxedo Sam
- Some popple creature
- Pac-Man
- Smurf
- Snoopy
- Greenie, a green rabbit given to me by my great-grandmother, who now snuggles with Atomikid

wandering

Little Twin Stars

Coinage

A different Jeffrey Epstein getting harassed on Twitter is why we in the digital age we all need to be assigned computer generated unique names instead of this chaos

Echo

Coinage wrote: »

A different Jeffrey Epstein getting harassed on Twitter is why we in the digital age we all need to be assigned computer generated unique names instead of this chaos

I agree, World Citizen 74d9e7a1-4e76-4fac-add7-5830d9ab7077

Aridhol

Somewhere in the darkness, the gambler he broke even.

ronya

gudetama

Echo wrote: »

Coinage wrote: »

A different Jeffrey Epstein getting harassed on Twitter is why we in the digital age we all need to be assigned computer generated unique names instead of this chaos

I agree, World Citizen 74d9e7a1-4e76-4fac-add7-5830d9ab7077

pfft, geocoding for everyone

citizen flat.topic.dime

Dark Raven X

Retsuko

wandering

Little Twin Stars

Hello Kitty seemed nice when I met her

Aridhol

wandering wrote: »

Hello Kitty seemed nice when I met her

nexuscrawler

simonwolf wrote: »

aggretsubros out in force today

I mean obviously

nexuscrawler

We are legion

bloodyroarxx

FUCK!

I want that purple one

https://twitter.com/Wario64/status/1161992560652369920

Bogart

Yoshikitty

6 Music playing Robyn before half nine on a Friday. Time for an impromptu dance around the office.

I'M IN THE CORNER, WATCHING YOU KISS HER
I'M RIGHT OVER HERE, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME
I'M GIVING IT MY ALL, BUT I'M NOT THE GUY YOU'RE TAKING HOME
I KEEP DANCING ON MY OWN

knitdan

gudetama

*casts nexuscrawler into a herd of 30-50 feral hogs*

Mojo_Jojo

Bogart wrote: »

6 Music playing Robyn before half nine on a Friday. Time for an impromptu dance around the office.

I'M IN THE CORNER, WATCHING YOU KISS HER
I'M RIGHT OVER HERE, WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME
I'M GIVING IT MY ALL, BUT I'M NOT THE GUY YOU'RE TAKING HOME
I KEEP DANCING ON MY OWN

Coupled with Slaves at 7:30am it's been a strong start to the day

bloodyroarxx

I love how fucking petty Vince McMahon is

WWE officials are currently negotiating with the City of Los Angeles and the LA Rams about bringing WrestleMania to the new stadium at Hollywood Park. The Rams and the city want WrestleMania there for 2021 as a way to do a test-run before the Super Bowl is held in the same stadium in 2022. WWE, however, wants to bring their annual event to the venue in 2022 - a couple months after the Super Bowl - so that they can announce an attendance figure that beats whatever the Super Bowl number ends up being.

simonwolf

Tuxedo Sam

Rose Gold one looks cool but metallic goods tend to fade/wear in a way that is v unaesthetic

Crimson King

Pompompurin

i'm voting for butthole dog, the only sanrio character with a visible butthole

Rami

Pompompurin

dog b-hole is the only appropriate mascot for chat

dlinfiniti

No keroppi no justice

Elldren

Kuromi

simonwolf wrote: »

Athenor wrote: »

Isn't Aggretsuki a Sanrio character?

She is, but she ranked #41 in the official ranking, a far cry from the position required for nomination here

This is such a travesty

The character is both a red panda and a headbanger OL. How can she not be #1?

nexuscrawler

Elldren wrote: »

simonwolf wrote: »

Athenor wrote: »

Isn't Aggretsuki a Sanrio character?

She is, but she ranked #41 in the official ranking, a far cry from the position required for nomination here

This is such a travesty

The character is both a red panda and a headbanger OL. How can she not be #1?

Most of these other chars are decades old

Echo

I always loved this thing in Ghost in the Shell (the 1995 one) where they have mind-to-mind communication, yet have cybernetic hands where the fingers split into tinier fingers so they can type faster on keyboards.