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The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards (SFW)

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    HoA-playerHoA-player Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Hunter wrote: »
    Man, a sex scene in the WoT series must last like 8 books, with at least 400 pages describing the penis becoming erect.

    Yeah it should!

    But it doesn't.

    HoA-player on
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    MicroMicro Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    NotACrook wrote: »
    England thread

    Hurrah - bit by bit we're taking back the empire.

    We're starting with 'humour'.

    Micro on
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    autono-wally, erotibot300autono-wally, erotibot300 love machine Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    SanderJK wrote: »
    There is this book series about living spaceships, al capone coming back from the dead and the dead conquering the galaxy
    It has the most awfully awful sex scenes ever, like written by a 14 year old

    "oooh" she murmered as his penis was put in her vagina, making wet noises

    That'd be http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Night%27s_Dawn_Trilogy I guess. I sorta like his ideas for the future, but yeah, the sex scenes are annoying. (It gets better/worse in other books too, where there is this faction that believes cloning yourself and then sharing consciousness is the bestest idea ever, and one girl "dates"one of these "multiples". oooooooh yeaaaaaaah.

    Oh god yes

    autono-wally, erotibot300 on
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    thorpethorpe Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    George R. R. Martin you write some pretty embarrassing sex scenes.

    And it only gets worse when you start throwing in lesbian princesses.

    thorpe on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    SanderJKSanderJK Crocodylus Pontifex Sinterklasicus Madrid, 3000 ADRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    How can anything ever get worse by adding lesbian princesses?

    SanderJK on
    Steam: SanderJK Origin: SanderJK
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    DynagripDynagrip Break me a million hearts HoustonRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Any sex scene by George RR Martin.


    Curses, too slow!

    Dynagrip on
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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Neal Stephenson writes some pretty terrible sex scenes. But judging by the general atmosphere of the Baroque Cycle, I can never tell how much of that is intentional.

    Jedoc on
    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    Bloods EndBloods End Blade of Tyshalle Punch dimensionRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Anita Blake novels.

    Bloods End on
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    SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    thorpe wrote: »
    George R. R. Martin you write some pretty embarrassing sex scenes.

    And it only gets worse when you start throwing in pre-teen princesses.

    Fixed

    Szechuanosaurus on
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    XagarathXagarath Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bloods End wrote: »
    Anita Blake novels.

    Or indeed anything by that author.

    Xagarath on
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    AretèAretè infiltrating neo zeed compoundRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    aw someone beat me to richard morgan.

    seriously, how does he write that without laughing or at least giggling like a pre teen watching scrambled porn.

    Aretè on
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    thorpethorpe Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    thorpe wrote: »
    George R. R. Martin you write some pretty embarrassing sex scenes.

    And it only gets worse when you start throwing in pre-teens, midgets, and princesses.

    Fixed

    Double fixed

    thorpe on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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    DynagripDynagrip Break me a million hearts HoustonRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Areté wrote: »
    aw someone beat me to richard morgan.

    seriously, how does he write that without laughing or at least giggling like a pre teen watching scrambled porn.

    fucking hate Richard Morgan

    Dynagrip on
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    DynagripDynagrip Break me a million hearts HoustonRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Neal Stephenson writes some pretty terrible sex scenes. But judging by the general atmosphere of the Baroque Cycle, I can never tell how much of that is intentional.

    he writes pretty terrible women characters. they're pretty much just cum dumpsters

    Dynagrip on
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    SzechuanosaurusSzechuanosaurus Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    I actually quite like his books. The most recent, Black Man, especially; almost PKD good.

    But the porno scenes are just porno scenes.

    Szechuanosaurus on
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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    I've read all of the Song of Ice and Fire books a couple times and I can't think of any of the sex scenes. I must have automatically put in a mental block.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
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    DouglasDangerDouglasDanger PennsylvaniaRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Neal Stephenson writes some pretty terrible sex scenes. But judging by the general atmosphere of the Baroque Cycle, I can never tell how much of that is intentional.

    he writes pretty terrible women characters. they're pretty much just cum dumpsters

    y. t. was not a cum dumpster

    DouglasDanger on
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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    I'm just glad China Mieville isn't descriptive in any of the sex scenes in Perdido Street Station. I'm not sure I want to read too much about a man having sex with a chick with a bug head.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Neal Stephenson writes some pretty terrible sex scenes. But judging by the general atmosphere of the Baroque Cycle, I can never tell how much of that is intentional.

    he writes pretty terrible women characters. they're pretty much just cum dumpsters

    y. t. was not a cum dumpster

    Yeah, I'm not sure I agree with that in general. Amy Shaftoe was a pretty strong character, and sex was really only one aspect of Eliza's character. Which is more than you can say for most fictional harem girls.

    Jedoc on
    GDdCWMm.jpg
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    DynagripDynagrip Break me a million hearts HoustonRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Neal Stephenson writes some pretty terrible sex scenes. But judging by the general atmosphere of the Baroque Cycle, I can never tell how much of that is intentional.

    he writes pretty terrible women characters. they're pretty much just cum dumpsters

    y. t. was not a cum dumpster

    uh huh. pray tell how did she defeat the big bad inuit? or how much of the book did she talk about wanting to ride some dude's cock?

    Dynagrip on
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    DynagripDynagrip Break me a million hearts HoustonRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Neal Stephenson writes some pretty terrible sex scenes. But judging by the general atmosphere of the Baroque Cycle, I can never tell how much of that is intentional.

    he writes pretty terrible women characters. they're pretty much just cum dumpsters

    y. t. was not a cum dumpster

    Yeah, I'm not sure I agree with that in general. Amy Shaftoe was a pretty strong character, and sex was really only one aspect of Eliza's character. Which is more than you can say for most fictional harem girls.

    Amy Shaftoe did nothing in that book except serve as a target for Unix guy's dick.

    Dynagrip on
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    XagarathXagarath Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Oh, wait. I've got a winner.
    The sex scenes between anthropomorphised moles in Horwood's Duncton Wood.
    I'd quote them, but I have no desire to revisit those mental scars.

    Xagarath on
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    Bloods EndBloods End Blade of Tyshalle Punch dimensionRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I like the way Steve Erickson does sex scenes. He tells you they're happening and then moves on.

    Also the "sex" scene in Matthew Stover's "Heroes Die" was hilarious. Dude just starts fingering the owner of a bar while she keeps thinking "At least he isn't tearing the place up".

    Bloods End on
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    DouglasDangerDouglasDanger PennsylvaniaRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    Jedoc wrote: »
    Neal Stephenson writes some pretty terrible sex scenes. But judging by the general atmosphere of the Baroque Cycle, I can never tell how much of that is intentional.

    he writes pretty terrible women characters. they're pretty much just cum dumpsters

    y. t. was not a cum dumpster

    uh huh. pray tell how did she defeat the big bad inuit? or how much of the book did she talk about wanting to ride some dude's cock?

    yeah, i guess she did defeat raven with her vagina, but i don't really remember that book very well. it's been a long time

    DouglasDanger on
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    HoA-playerHoA-player Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I've read all of the Song of Ice and Fire books a couple times and I can't think of any of the sex scenes. I must have automatically put in a mental block.

    Did you just skip every Tyrion and Cersei chapter then?

    HoA-player on
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    XagarathXagarath Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Also, while we're at it.
    Piers Antony.

    Xagarath on
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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    HoA-player wrote: »
    I've read all of the Song of Ice and Fire books a couple times and I can't think of any of the sex scenes. I must have automatically put in a mental block.

    Did you just skip every Tyrion and Cersei chapter then?

    No, I just mentally blocked them so therefore I have no recollection of it ever happening.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
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    FaricazyFaricazy Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    pretty much the Song of Ice and Fire world goes to shit because of sexual tension

    pretty much

    Faricazy on
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    FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Michael Crichton wrote a few absolutely absurd sex scenes into some of his books

    The only one I remember was in some silly book about a high-powered executive getting an unsolicited blowjob from his boss

    Fandyien on
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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    Fandyien wrote: »
    Michael Crichton wrote a few absolutely absurd sex scenes into some of his books

    The only one I remember was in some silly book about a high-powered executive getting an unsolicited blowjob from his boss

    Disclosure. I read that book when I was 15 because I thought Jurassic Park and Congo were awesome books so it was going to be awesome too. I was wrong.

    Terrible movie too.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
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    DynagripDynagrip Break me a million hearts HoustonRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    ha, I loved Crichton when I was 15 too. God, I read such shit back then.

    Star Trek: TNG novels. So many of them!

    Dynagrip on
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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    I remember when I thought Timeline was the coolest book ever.

    I still contend that it is one of the worst movies ever made though.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
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    JedocJedoc In the scuppers with the staggers and jagsRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Xagarath wrote: »
    Also, while we're at it.
    Piers Antony.

    Ha ha, oh god. I'd almost forgotten about Xanth. God bless that old perv. Writing books at a twelve-year-old level and then stuffing them with awkward interspecies sexual tension.

    Jedoc on
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    DynagripDynagrip Break me a million hearts HoustonRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    I read Xanth up to maybe 20 I think.

    :(

    Dynagrip on
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    Raijin QuickfootRaijin Quickfoot I'm your Huckleberry YOU'RE NO DAISYRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    I read Xanth up until about 18 or so then I quit. I tried picking up a newer one the other day and it was the worst thing I have ever read.

    Raijin Quickfoot on
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    DouglasDangerDouglasDanger PennsylvaniaRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dynagrip wrote: »
    ha, I loved Crichton when I was 15 too. God, I read such shit back then.

    Star Trek: TNG novels. So many of them!

    i read every clive cussler book i could get my hands on back in the day
    those were pretty bad

    not even good-bad, like an awesome pulp or anything

    DouglasDanger on
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    MicroMicro Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    I read every Bernard Cornwell book under the sun when I was about 16/17.

    About 10 more have been released since. I don't have the heart for it any more.

    Micro on
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    DruhimDruhim Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2008
    oh god, Piers Anthony

    so terrible

    Druhim on
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    KarlKarl Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    There was this book in my school library that had a sex scene in it.

    There was an actual list of people waiting to read it. Just for the sex scene.



    I swear this would not have happened in a mixed sex school.

    Karl on
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    KilljoyKilljoy __BANNED USERS regular
    edited August 2008
    i'd rip the page out and put it back

    Killjoy on
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