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The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards (SFW)
Micro
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So, being the liberal elitist that I am, I read the Guardian (a British paper that, (stereotypically) only teachers and social workers read). I was scanning one of their articles, and came across the 'Bad Sex in Fiction' award, which basically ridicules the writers who have absolutely no clue how to write about, shall we say, the more intimate aspects of personal relations.
I started looking back through past winners, and came across this absolute beauty from Giles Coren, winner in 2005, who is the Food Critic for 'The Times', another British paper:
An absolute masterpiece in my opinion.
The long list from 2005 can be found here
Anyone else found any especially bad sex in fiction? I don't mean the retards on literotica, I mean people that are actually taking themselves seriously and consider their output to be 'art'.
I started looking back through past winners, and came across this absolute beauty from Giles Coren, winner in 2005, who is the Food Critic for 'The Times', another British paper:
Giles Coren wrote:And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest.
Like Zorro.
An absolute masterpiece in my opinion.
The long list from 2005 can be found here
Anyone else found any especially bad sex in fiction? I don't mean the retards on literotica, I mean people that are actually taking themselves seriously and consider their output to be 'art'.
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what ho!
It makes me happy.
They actually like videogames.
One full stop.
Completely sexy.
Satans..... hints.....
Say what you will about his novels, his sex scenes are a fucking embarrassment cribbed straight from bargain-basement porno.
That's actually true - the only British Daily I can think of that actually devotes a decent amount of paper to gaming (in one of the Saturday supplements IIRC).
They also never jump on the 'oh my God you're killing our children with your murder simulators' bandwagon.
steam
That is unfortunately almost certainly true.
He writes SO well about food though.
Some of the other entrants from subsequent years have also been great - will try to find some of the best.
i know! it's like he found 'CUM SLUTS 49' and copied the scene word for word into his novels
also, i love the bad sex awards and am pleased someone else made the thread before me
Especially the gay ones.
You writing a review of an eatery, not fucking epic poetry. Get over yourself, you like to eat, and you write like a pretentious fuck with no friends, that's the sum total of your marketable skills.
It's like like - ok, romantic scene on the pier...and, oh, right, now it's suddenly hardcore sex on the pier using specific sex slang such as for example dirty sanchez.
The scene I'm thinking of didn't actually mention dirty sanchez but it was something like that where I would've had to have actually looked up the term on the internet to understand what manner of sexually debased acts were being performed.
Yes he gets a bit prissy - but you've got to love him for the sheer level of vitriol aimed at his editors over a single, one-letter word.
The thing is, he is completely right, for reason number 3 if for no others. Ending on an unstressed syllable is unconsciously significant.
But it's a restaurant review. Hence, frankly, it doesn't fucking matter.
Food critics, to a man, believe their work is significantly more important than it actually is. Because their work isn't important at all.
i do the zorro thing sometimes
EVERYTHING matters in the times.
Seriously, some people still buy the Times just to read the 'Court Circular'
Its still better then the Guardian, you liberal tree hugging pansy.
I'm joking, you're alright. You're not a Daily Mail reader.
Berkshire is, truly, the home of the Gods.
I'll think you find that Maidenhead is more like an up market version of Slough.
Innit.
We need to kill and gut the Daily Mail, and leave strips of it hanging from trees all along the road.
As a warning.
I'm actually from a village near Bracknell - so I'm even lower-class than you.
It has the most awfully awful sex scenes ever, like written by a 14 year old
also, their comments and debate section is like page 20 whereas in the times it is right there page 3. I dont like commend and debate. i just want the fucking news.
"oooh" she murmered as his penis was put in her vagina, making wet noises
That'd be http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Night%27s_Dawn_Trilogy I guess. I sorta like his ideas for the future, but yeah, the sex scenes are annoying. (It gets better/worse in other books too, where there is this faction that believes cloning yourself and then sharing consciousness is the bestest idea ever, and one girl "dates"one of these "multiples". oooooooh yeaaaaaaah.
I can't remember any really bad scenes in Wheel of Time. Whenever anyone does have sex it just cuts to the next scene without any graphic describtion.
Now A Song of Ice and Fire ...
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