Inspired (like so many relationship threads) by the events of H/A, this thread is about learning to be alone.
So often we hear the phrase that someone needs to 'learn to be alone before they can be happy with someone else'. The idea that someone needs to build up an emotional maturity/self sufficience before they can make a relationship work. Now I'm sure no one will contest that being dependent on another person for your own piece of mind is a Bad Thing that needs to be resisted. But the question is- how does one learn to be alone?
Many people (shut-in social failure nerds like us for example) survive for years without a relationship and yet as soon as they get into one they seem to forget everything they 'learnt' and place their new SO is sole steward and vessel for their own happiness. And then when it self destructs life does too.
So has anyone on this board ever learnt to be alone? How did you do it? Was it hard?
I am of the opinion that people are either dependent or self-sufficient (sliding scale between the two) and I really can't fathom how someone could 'learn' to be either. Alternatively, maybe its not so bad to be dependent. Lots of people live happy lives jumping from relationship to relationship.
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Self-Knowledge is one of the most important things in the world.
I'd agree, except that I myself tend to slide back and forth along this scale. On some days, solitude is all continence and contentment; on others, it's cold and palpably draining. And, here's the thing -- it really feels as though I should be able to induce the first state at will. I can't -- and can't figure out how I would -- but it really does seem like a Learnable Thing.
From my personal experience, learning to be alone meant that, and i'm dead serious, I became more confident and that confidence stemmed from my ability to pick up on girls almost in any situation. It was a moment of understanding my self worth instead of lowering it; a reaction that was almost as natural as breathing in my pre-relationship pre-interaction mind.
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That is... That is a very scary thought.
However, two weeks ago was Rememberance day here in Canada, and it's an optional holiday. Being a government worker, I got the day off, but my girlfriend didn't, which meant I had an entire day all to myself. Fearing that I'd be bored, I thought about ways that I could spend my time.
I woke up that morning bright and early, (but not too bright and early) feeling refreshed. I took a shower, put on my favorite ratty hat and my boots and went out for a long walk along the main street near my house.
I stopped by my local comic books shop and browsed for a while, picked up some roleplaying books and then went for a late breakfast at Denny's all by myself.
And the whole time, I had this great floaty feeling in my chest, my steps felt as light as air and I must have had a stupid grin on my face the whole time.
As much as I love my girlfriend, having a chance to spend time with just myself felt really good.
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I very rarely sit at home when I'm alone. Most of the time I'm out and about, sitting at coffee shops reading, or walking around taking pictures with my DSLR. Sometimes I go play pick-up soccer, sometimes I go to the gym. I'm not accountable to anyone and I don't have to plan my life around another person. It's great!
I figure eventually I'll be married anyway so what's the hurry.
Sorry, thread title just made me think of this song. Crappy movie, good song.
There's a strange thing that happens when you are left in a solitude like this. You're taken out of your comfort zone with your friends, and you are forced to cope somehow. Because of that, I really learned a lot about who I am, and what I am truly about. I don't have outside forces constantly weighing in on me. I feel much more confident, and self-sufficient now, but for a while I was very insecure, and frankly I was quite scared. Sometimes I am still a bit worried at the prospect of being some 60 year-old hermit with no friends, and no family. But I know that is extremely unlikely for me. Anyhow, my social life is picking up again, and I think that's due to the fact that all that time alone has really helped me reflect, and become a more well-adjusted, confident person.
Learning to be alone is not an easy thing to do, and given the choice, I don't think many people would consciously make the effort. It seems to be something that you are forced into, and forced to deal with.
This.
It's not really a spectrum. A socially-dependent person isn't necessarily socially well-adjusted, and a social recluse doesn't necessarily lack social skills.
If there is a spectrum, it exists between two ends:
self-reliance and internal validation - being comfortable with being alone, and having self-confidence that is independent of what others think of you
vs.
reliance on others and being externally validated - always looking for others for their approval and attention, having your self-value based on what they think
My 2 cents.
"Learning to be alone" is basically code for what you just said. But yes.
Incidentally, I love having a day entirely to myself.
Can't beat those "I know I have the place to myself" wanks!
I don't see why the two can't be mixed. Lots of functionally self-reliant people require external validation, and lots of people who are functionally dependent on others find validation internally. That's not a very good spectrum.
If a person requires external validation they are not self-reliant by definition.
In other words, self-reliance means not relying on other people's validation.
I am however willing to concede that being on the extreme ends of the spectrum - on either end - is not a good thing. We are, after all, social beings. If nobody ever gave a shit about what other people think, society wouldn't exist.
See where I'm from self-reliance means you put your own food on the table and a roof over your own head, by definition.
I have issues, yes.
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I'm saying self-reliance as a concept doesn't cover only material self-reliance. For instance, confidence. Do you rely on other people's positive opinions and perceptions of yourself for your confidence, or do you rely on your own perception of yourself for it?
Who cares?
Edit: No seriously, I'm irrelevant.
I think a little bit of both.
The distinction I'm trying to make is thinking you are, say, smart because your friends have always thought of you as smart, and thinking you're smart because you know you are smart. You can still compare yourself to others to gain this perception, but the point is that you don't need their validation or approval to have it.
I refined it by a country mile?
I see.
:P
It's not healthy when taken to an extreme. There was a time in my life when I'd refuse to ask for help when I really needed it, and I occasionally even refused it when it was offered.
There are a lot of unhealthy internal places that that kind of behavior comes from. Part of me didn't believe I deserved help. Part of me was afraid that other people would see me as a leech if I accepted help. Part of it was that I had trouble trusting other people. But mostly it was just an unreasonable internal standard that I forced upon myself; I expected myself to be some kind of superman who forged on in his life without help.
Besides being self-sacrificial, and ultimately bad for one's physical, emotional, and psychological health; it makes it hard to develop intimate relationships. As with all things, there is a happy medium. Part of the point of being in a relationship is to support your partner's growth as a person. Sometimes that means offering them help, as long as that help does not sabotage yourself. Sometimes that means letting them forge on alone, as long as going it alone does not sabotage them. Being able to tell the difference between the two sides is a graceful art that I'm still learning.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
EDIT: My point was that people who tend to find themselves on the lone wolf/hermit side of the spectrum should learn how to function in normal social situations. And vice versa; people who are shameless socialites should learn how to function in circumstances that leave them socially isolated. Being able to move between both worlds comfotably is an important and valuable ability.