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Revenge of the Strange & Embarrassing Moments

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Posts

  • Bruce ForsythBruce Forsyth Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Meaning the bathroom floors were actually clean for once?
    D:

    Bruce Forsyth on
  • TalTal Registered User
    edited February 2008
    Ugh. So this one is pretty epic. Or at least, I like to think it's pretty epic. It all starts with a naive young man who is fairly new to the life of Los Angeles...

    The fellow in question was never exceptionally popular or good looking, but he had gotten into a health kick shortly before moving across the country to southern California. One of the first things he had done upon arrival was seek out a gym to feed these testosterone driven desires. Well, time passed. He continued going to the gym, and over the course of 8 months or so had put on 10-15 pounds of lean mass. He looked great. Confidence was at an all time high. And as we all know, what's the first thing you do when your confidence is high?

    Find some way to knock it way the hell down.

    That's about when I -- uh, I mean this guy noticed on the gym bulletin board that MTV was looking for young, fit, attractive singles for a new dating show they were producing. Ah, sure, what the hell. This sounds like it could be fun. So the name goes down, a couple days pass, and then he receives a phone call.

    The phone call was nothing special. More of a, "we gotta make sure this guy is legit" thing more than anything. All it took was a couple sentences about himself, a few chuckles, and a "sure, I'd love to come in for an interview." So he jumps through the hoops and eventually makes his way on set.

    Now, I don't know how much MTV we watch here, but the show in question was Parental Control. The premise of the show for those unaware, was that mommy and daddy dislike who their precious little snowflake is dating and interview a bunch of different guys to ultimately pick one who will go on a date with their daughter. And the pep talk before you go on set is "Be interesting! Don't respond to questions with "no". Say something funny." Ok, don't say no...um, alright I'll spin these answers so they aren't all no. The problem with that is, I'm a fairly polite and respectful person. ( Yeah, I'm tired of writing in third person. It's not like it was fooling anyone anyway.) A lot of my answers could have simply been, no. But alright, I'll try to make things interesting.

    I walk on set smiling and try to look like a Grade-A suitor instead of the Grade-A schmuck that I was. Shake hands, introduce myself, have a seat, all that good stuff. First question. What do you do you do for a living? (I was a visual effects artist doing technical animation for commercials at the time. Oh wait, make it interesting -- I know how to do this).

    - "I work on Cox" I said proudly.

    Silence.

    After having enough time to wonder why the fuck I wrote my name down on that bulletin board, the father finally replies with, "Oh, you mean the Cox Communications ads?"

    Phew. Saved. Yes, I'm a respectable gentleman with a good job trying to be "funny." We discuss that for a moment, go through a couple other questions that I must have answered decently enough to forget about, and then I'm asked...

    "So why is it that a nice guy like you can't seem to find a girlfriend?"

    - "Yeah, I don't know. I must be doing something wrong because it seems I'm finding more guys interested in me than girls."

    I think I saw the camera guy stifle a laugh. Yes my friends, this is only the beginning.

    "Do you have any party tricks?"

    - "Party tricks?"

    "Yeah, like record beer bong times, keg stands, something like that."

    Now, here's a bit of backstory. I didn't drink anything until I turned 21. I missed most of that college Animal House party stuff. And when I did start drinking, I went straight to wine and liquor. I didn't actually start drinking beer until a couple months ago. So the whole keg stand, beer bong, beer pong question could have been a "no" answer. This is probably something I should have told them, but I couldn't tell them I had nothing, so instead, I went with....

    - "You know, when I'm having a good time at a party I like to put some swing music on and find someone to dance with."

    Swish. Nailed that one. I probably should have just walked out at that point. Seriously. What the fuck was I thinking. Swing dancing? Now I love to swing dance, but I've never ever considered doing something like that at a party. But now, I was in far too deep.

    "Really?"

    - "Oh yeah, I love that kind of music. Sometimes I bring discs with me just in case the house doesn't have any. Mrs. XXXX, how about a quick lesson?"

    So I did, sort of, maybe have a plan. The whole thing was bullshit, but I thought if I could get the mom dancing with me it might win me some points. Well, the problem with that was that she flat out rejected me. My ace card just went up in flames. Ok, time to wrap this up.

    "So, what kind of car do you drive? Is it nice?"

    At the time I drove a '97 Mercury Mountaineer. Hand me down car from mom when she got a new one. I certainly wasn't complaining, but by LA standards? Sure as hell wasn't "nice". I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think I managed to imply that "the snobby Benz drivers of LA" wouldn't think it's very nice. I don't know what type of car these people had, but I'd feel more confident betting on it over Black at a roulette table.

    And just when I thought we were on the way out, he asks me again if I have any party tricks!

    - "Um..I like to swing dance..."

    Ok, time to go, thanks for the time, great to meet you, leave the set and ZOOM. I'm halfway out of there before I hear them call me back in. They want to get some swing dancing footage. Oh, cool, mom changed her mind. Perhaps I can save a little face here. I walk back onto the set and they say, alright, let's see some moves. So I motion to the mother to join me and start to explain it's a 6 count step...oh...she's still not moving. I...I have to do this myself? The only time I danced by myself was when I was learning the step during the free basic lessons before the band would start. And even then it was all under the assumption that there would be a partner across from you mirroring the steps. Oh, except that one move. What was it, Charleston Kicks? 8 count step, um, yeah I think I can do this.

    So I go for it. Doing my best to remember a step that I haven't done in years to the painful sound dead silence. I'd like to say it was amazing, incredible, fantabulous....or at least not bad. If what were the case though, we know I wouldn't be telling you all about it here.

    Out of all the people in that room we might be able to say I was the best one there, but that doesn't mean they didn't all think I didn't know what I was doing. It was painful. No music, on camera, people waiting to see something impressive. And the only thought going through my mind (well, besides are we done yet?) was -- You know when they promote a new show by showing some doofus doing something really idiotic because he thinks he's wowing everyone? Congratulations! You're famous!!

    I never actually watched the show, but I had several people let me know they saw me on television. Friends from high school I hadn't talked to in years, old girlfriends.....yeah, yeah, that was me....

    To this day, whenever I'm scanning the guide for something to watch and I see Parental Control on MTV I cringe and skip to the next page. I suppose it could have been worse though. I could have had friends out here get a copy of that episode and surprise me with it at a party or work.

    I'm safe though because I'm pretty sure none of them read these forums...no one here knows me, right? :lol:

    Tal on
  • HybridHybrid South AustraliaRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Fantastic story Tal. It seems to further my belief that no matter what the situation, when you see "MTV", it's time to bail.

    Hybrid on
  • whitey9whitey9 Registered User
    edited February 2008
    Yeah that's awful shit. I have a friend who teaches speech and debate at an Oregon college and they asked him to be the life coach on 'Made' for some dumb high school girl. They wanted him to drive a couple hours back and forth three times a week for five weeks. Total pay? $2000! He responded with an offer of $10,000 and never heard from them again.

    whitey9 on
  • TalTal Registered User
    edited February 2008
    Hind sight is a beautiful thing, isn't it?


    @whitey9 -- Ouch. That's a hell of a commitment for something like that. The "fame" involved sure doesn't offset the cost. They gave us $50 for our time. Totally worth missing half a day (or did I take a full day?) of work. But that's only because I got a bar story out of it. :P

    Tal on
  • GimGim a tall glass of water Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    That story has taught me a lesson: never try.

    Will do, Tal. Will do.

    Gim on
  • TalTal Registered User
    edited February 2008
    Nothing wrong with trying. Just have a better plan than impressing someone with your novice swing dancing abilities.

    Tal on
  • Casual EddyCasual Eddy The Astral PlaneRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Guys you are woefully undereducated about anal sex. Do you think if shit came out every single time it happened people would do it so much? Poo is only involved if you are careless and don't check before hand. God. You breeders. That'd be like putting duct tape over your gas gauge and acting surprised when you run out of gas. If that story is true, then tucker max is a moron.

    Awesome stories though

    Casual Eddy on
  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Guys you are woefully undereducated about anal sex. Do you think if shit came out every single time it happened people would do it so much? Poo is only involved if you are careless and don't check before hand. God. You breeders. That'd be like putting duct tape over your gas gauge and acting surprised when you run out of gas. If that story is true, then tucker max is a moron.

    Awesome stories though
    I was going to say something. Thanks for saying it for me. :P
    So uh, I am an embarrassing story.

    Fuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud on
  • OboroOboro __BANNED USERS
    edited February 2008
    So, this one's been on my mind since it's also the introduction to my memoirs. It's definitely strange, and it definitely has its embarrassing moments, but ... not so funny.

    I briefly lived with a foster family in south Jersey this past May. The daughter of the family was a classmate of mine -- we had Facebooks, and her mother had a Facebook. Something I published in North Carolina was put on CBS's national website, and her mother caught my name, prompting her mother to Facebook message me about it ... this prompted me to add her to my friends list, and later on I would participate in one of those "lol survey" things and she was on the list of people I had to write about, due to random chance.

    She found it funny. We talked more over Facebook. She made a tongue-in-cheek comment I could move in, and uh... I sort of just did. After I'd flown up, she said that she supposed I could stay as long as everything was kosher, but well, it wasn't. There were issues and as I got more and more bitter I also got spiteful, and would sit on my laptop in the living room barking how if they kicked me out I was going to become a prostitute on the streets.

    About a week later, they kicked me out. The girl's mother gave me $50 in cash, while crying and apologizing, and put me on a bus to north Jersey despite my complaints that I had nowhere to go. She waved goodbye. I fell asleep on the bus. I transferred to my local route at Penn Station, despite the fact we had sold our house in Jersey two years ago, and I slumped off of it with all the weight of a star. Well. Well.

    I wandered over to my grandmother's house. Sitting in their front porch, I was able to snatch wireless from the neighbors -- my grandmother yapped over my shoulder, Don't think you can stay here!, Your father told me not to let you stay here!, You can't stay here!, and I lifted my laptop lid to see Firefox asking me if I wanted to resume my session. Okay, Firefox!

    Hey! Craigslist!

    Hey! Men who want to sleep with me!

    I left one of my two bags with my grandmother and took the one with my female clothes with me. It was an unseasonably warm day, with sunlight peeling out long into the evening. The 'date' was what I have now come to learn was a pretty typical dig for an amateur tranny -- I would change at the hotel. Affairs would be had. To get to the hotel in the first place, I needed to walk two miles ... and take a train ... and then take a bus ... and then walk two miles.

    It was after I got off the train that I realized my sole motivator, at this moment, was spite; was I really about to go sleep with some stranger I met over Craigslist out of spite for a woman I would likely never see again? My bus drove by me. I didn't get back on the train. I was frozen in place, stuck in thought.

    Now, you should understand I have historically not been a very responsible person -- all truths told, I am probably still not a responsible person. But well, for whatever God-forsaken reason, standing in Elizabeth that May day ... I was pretty goddamn stuck up on the notion of propriety. He rented a hotel room!, I said to myself, defiantly clenching a fist. He paid money because he wants to see me!, I whispered to myself.

    I caught the next bus. We texted back and forth about why I was late -- I claimed to be lost. Eventually, my phone started ringing as opposed to vibrating; that means that I had a call, as opposed to a text.

    The name rang up, expectedly -- John Appleton. I stared at my phone. The bus was crowded; sitting across from me was a young woman with four children clambering over her. The phone kept ringing, and more and more people kept staring at me, staring at it. I picked up.

    His voice was raspy -- I didn't say anything back right away. He said something else raspy, something about his slut ... and that stupid notion of propriety I had kicked back in.

    You need to understand, now, the larger facts, and put them all back together in their peculiar places. At present, I am dressed like a regular, young, teenage guy -- just some thin white brat on a bus full of inner-city hispanic and Latino day-laborers and single mothers. The man I am receiving a call from has contracted, effectively, a transvestite prostitute; an emblem of femininity, hyperfemininity even.

    So, I respond in my best, my ditziest, my most valley girl, my highest-pitched, my absolute sweetest and most darling voice, Hello!

    He is upset. The people around me are still staring, because I am speaking rather loudly to speak over the din of the bus. Mr. John Appleton is upset with his slut, and asks her to reaffirm that she is indeed his!

    So, I said that, on the phone. I told Mr. John Appleton in my sweetie-pie voice, with sing-song effects and appellations, that his slut was en route and she would give him everything he wanted just as soon as she arrived.

    Everyone stopped staring at me, eventually. I did terrible things with a stranger, who did not take off his wedding ring -- he left after about an hour and a half, explaining he needed to get to his nephew's birthday party. He left $300 on the nightstand.

    I just sat there, naked, on the bed. The last several hours were a blur -- propriety and staring people on buses, spite and best friends' mothers and grandmothers under imperial command not to let you stay there overnight.

    So, you do it at a hotel instead. Things work out in the end, in their utterly strange and embarrassing ways.

    EDIT: Also, I am so, so sorry.

    Oboro on
    words
  • Phil G.Phil G. __BANNED USERS regular
    edited February 2008
    That wasn't strange or embarrassing, that was plain depressing... You poor thing D:

    Phil G. on
  • OboroOboro __BANNED USERS
    edited February 2008
    anyone here who has ever experienced 'strangeness' does not know 'strangeness'

    it is so strange that you cannot parse it as 'strange' because you would have to reevaluate your entire life

    staring into my past is like looking at the heart of the universe and realizing it is a single degree of separation away from an artichoke

    Oboro on
    words
  • arod_77arod_77 __BANNED USERS regular
    edited February 2008
    Oboro you are a brilliant writer.

    arod_77 on
  • TL DRTL DR Not at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    At least it was $300 and not $crack.

    Optimism...?

    TL DR on
  • TL DRTL DR Not at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Really I just don't know how to react to that.

    TL DR on
  • OboroOboro __BANNED USERS
    edited February 2008
    At least it was $300 and not $crack.

    Optimism...?
    I limit myself to one story a night in this thread. :G

    I neglected it for a long time because people were like, talking about urine, and what the shit is that? But I'll throw up more transescapades as long as they're well-received.

    Oboro on
    words
  • TL DRTL DR Not at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Oboro wrote: »
    At least it was $300 and not $crack.

    Optimism...?
    I limit myself to one story a night in this thread. :G

    I neglected it for a long time because people were like, talking about urine, and what the shit is that? But I'll throw up more transescapades as long as they're well-received.

    Can't go wrong ITT.

    I'm not sure any of my really good stories are safe to talk about. What's the statute of limitations on most crimes?

    TL DR on
  • Phil G.Phil G. __BANNED USERS regular
    edited February 2008
    Well post them and we'll find out won't we? I mean if you get arrested a few years in jail is certainly an interesting story, and depending on the amount of rape, it can be embarrassing...

    Phil G. on
  • VeeveeVeevee WisconsinRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    arod_77 wrote: »
    Oboro you are a brilliant writer.

    When the book gets published, be sure to let all of us know because I sure as shit would buy it with just that one story to go from.

    Veevee on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Oboro wrote: »
    At least it was $300 and not $crack.

    Optimism...?
    I limit myself to one story a night in this thread. :G

    I neglected it for a long time because people were like, talking about urine, and what the shit is that? But I'll throw up more transescapades as long as they're well-received.

    Can't go wrong ITT.

    I'm not sure any of my really good stories are safe to talk about. What's the statute of limitations on most crimes?
    Depends on the state.

    I'm gonna have a hilarious story to tell here in about seven or eight years.

    Thanatos on
  • OboroOboro __BANNED USERS
    edited February 2008
    note to self: actually write your goddamn memoirs

    <.<

    Oboro on
    words
  • jotatejotate Registered User
    edited February 2008
    Couldn't have posted that story before yesterday, huh, Oboro? To save me the awkward? :|

    jotate on
  • Ghandi 2Ghandi 2 Registered User
    edited February 2008
    Oboro wrote: »
    Everyone stopped staring at me, eventually. I did terrible things with a stranger, who did not take off his wedding ring -- he left after about an hour and a half, explaining he needed to get to his nephew's birthday party. He left $300 on the nightstand.
    I usually don't like Hemmingway at all, but there is something Hemmingway-esque about that paragraph that really works. Or maybe I just need to go to bed. Anyway, good story. I also would like you to know that the cyber-sex story elicited the biggest Oh God I've had in a while, but I still like you way more than teefs. ;-)
    Thanatos wrote: »
    I'm gonna have a hilarious story to tell here in about seven or eight years.
    I'll be waiting. :D

    Ghandi 2 on
  • ImperfectImperfect Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Oboro wrote: »
    note to self: actually write your goddamn memoirs

    <.<

    Do.

    And jesus shit, I don't even know how to respond to all of that. Other than to let you know that some random stranger across the internet is on your side (god that's probably creepy too shut up shut up stop typing stop typ

    Imperfect on
  • YodaTunaYodaTuna Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Fucked up story.

    YodaTuna on
  • DalbozDalboz Resident Puppy Eater Right behind you...Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Guys you are woefully undereducated about anal sex. Do you think if shit came out every single time it happened people would do it so much? Poo is only involved if you are careless and don't check before hand. God. You breeders. That'd be like putting duct tape over your gas gauge and acting surprised when you run out of gas. If that story is true, then tucker max is a moron.

    Awesome stories though

    NSFW:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrBvPj7VLsQ
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc3DPH5TXFM

    Dalboz on
  • GimGim a tall glass of water Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Ah, sexual degradation is key. Good to know.
    That wasn't a pocket watch at all!

    Gim on
  • HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Dalboz wrote: »
    Guys you are woefully undereducated about anal sex. Do you think if shit came out every single time it happened people would do it so much? Poo is only involved if you are careless and don't check before hand. God. You breeders. That'd be like putting duct tape over your gas gauge and acting surprised when you run out of gas. If that story is true, then tucker max is a moron.

    Awesome stories though

    NSFW:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrBvPj7VLsQ
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc3DPH5TXFM
    GOLD.

    Hacksaw on
  • HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Thanatos wrote: »
    Oboro wrote: »
    At least it was $300 and not $crack.

    Optimism...?
    I limit myself to one story a night in this thread. :G

    I neglected it for a long time because people were like, talking about urine, and what the shit is that? But I'll throw up more transescapades as long as they're well-received.

    Can't go wrong ITT.

    I'm not sure any of my really good stories are safe to talk about. What's the statute of limitations on most crimes?
    Depends on the state.

    I'm gonna have a hilarious story to tell here in about seven or eight years.
    I'd have a lot of hilarious stories to tell here in the future if there were a statute of limitation on more things. :(

    Hacksaw on
  • FyreWulffFyreWulff Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited February 2008
    Oboro wrote: »
    -omegasnip-

    Your dad is an asshole.

    FyreWulff on
  • Double DeuceDouble Deuce Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Tal wrote: »
    *Parental Control story* :lol:

    Wow. My girlfriend and I watch that show sometimes, and I totally remember you.

    Double Deuce on
  • FalxFalx Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Was he really that bad?

    Falx on
  • Double DeuceDouble Deuce Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Mainly I remember the "More guys like me than girls" comment, and the horrible awkward silence that followed.

    Double Deuce on
  • jotatejotate Registered User
    edited February 2008
    Tal wrote: »
    *Parental Control story* :lol:

    Wow. My girlfriend and I watch that show sometimes, and I totally remember you.

    It's your duty to record it, get it uploaded to Youtube, and link it in this thread.

    jotate on
  • GungHoGungHo Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Al_wat wrote: »
    Anyways, one day him and another spanish speaking coworker are walking in the office to the lunch room. Walking about ten feet in front of them is our manager who is pretty hot. So they start saying to each other, in spanish of course, "DAAAAAMN look at that ass! I'd fuck that till it was red! Ohhh man I would fuck her!".
    This happens a lot around me, and not just with spanish. I've been in a few restaraunts in our local Chinatown where people were speaking about some fairly intimate things right in front of me (like size, color of bowl movements, phases of their menstural cycle, etc), on the assumption that I speak not one bit of Mandarin. I usually ignore it to a point, but sometimes I'll look right at them and say "do you mind? I'm trying to eat." Completely fucks them up.
    EdS25 wrote: »
    Then it hits me: my mom, my Oprah watching, church going mom should NOT know what pussyfarts are or that they are fucking hilarious. I almost immediately stopped laughing and went to my happy place where both me and my sister were immaculately conceived and my folks sleep in separate rooms and have since forever. Still it was cool (but also totally unacceptable) that she laughed.
    My moment was when I was watching Eddie Murphy Raw, and laughing too hard at the part about the first time you have sex. My mom looked at me, cocked her head to the side, and then said "Oh my God!"

    GungHo on
  • Double DeuceDouble Deuce Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    jotate wrote: »
    Tal wrote: »
    *Parental Control story* :lol:

    Wow. My girlfriend and I watch that show sometimes, and I totally remember you.

    It's your duty to record it, get it uploaded to Youtube, and link it in this thread.

    If they happen to air that one again, I most certainly will.

    Double Deuce on
  • Ghandi 2Ghandi 2 Registered User
    edited February 2008
    So today my roommate comes into the room at 2:30pm to get some stuff and says, "Oh, I should grab an extra pair of underwear, just in case." Then he takes a pair of underwear and puts it in his backpack and leaves again. Now he does sleep at his girlfriend's most of the time (in fact, I rarely see him anymore), but I am wondering what eventuality he is planning for.

    I tried looking for that on Youtube, but no luck.

    Ghandi 2 on
  • RichyRichy Registered User regular
    edited February 2008
    Ghandi 2 wrote: »
    So today my roommate comes into the room at 2:30pm to get some stuff and says, "Oh, I should grab an extra pair of underwear, just in case." Then he takes a pair of underwear and puts it in his backpack and leaves again. Now he does sleep at his girlfriend's most of the time (in fact, I rarely see him anymore), but I am wondering what eventuality he is planning for.

    I tried looking for that on Youtube, but no luck.
    I'm guessing the eventuality of sleeping over somewhere else and needing to put on fresh underwear tomorrow morning...

    Richy on
  • Ghandi 2Ghandi 2 Registered User
    edited February 2008
    Yeah, but it was a weird thing to say.

    Ok, I'm sorry, my story sucked. :(

    Ghandi 2 on
  • TalTal Registered User
    edited February 2008
    jotate wrote: »
    Tal wrote: »
    *Parental Control story* :lol:

    Wow. My girlfriend and I watch that show sometimes, and I totally remember you.

    It's your duty to record it, get it uploaded to Youtube, and link it in this thread.

    If they happen to air that one again, I most certainly will.

    D:


    Man, I totally thought Oboro's story trumped mine and I faded back into obscurity.

    But on the other hand it's like -- wow, does that mean I have a fan? Kind of? Not really?

    It's a weird feeling being "that guy." I'm not sure whether to be excited or mortified.

    Tal on
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