and when people fill out all of their profile except for that.
Bwah?
If you don't fill in a section, it doesn't show up at all.
As much as I'd hope people would use the opportunity to show a little personality or humour in that section, I'd rather they left it blank (and thus, missing) than put a cliche in there.
Hell, I've been thinking of putting it in my profile, or making a journal post (which I need to do for 90% completion, omgomgomgomg) about it.
"Look, people, if you don't want to put anything in there... just don't put anything in there. The field doesn't show up in your profile if it's empty! You don't need to sweat it! It can't hurt you anymore!"
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Yeah, I got hit with the "girl is 50 lbs bigger than the picture" dilemma before, except I actually followed through with the date.
I had this happen as well. Her profile listed her as "thin" and her pics were misleading/old. The woman I met was definitely not "thin", and while she wasn't morbidly obese, she was significantly heavier than I like my partners to be. I stuck with the date (we saw Avatar, this was back in January as I recall) and then went out for coffee and chatted. Didn't end up really having all that much in common to talk about either, so we parted ways at the end of the night and that was it.
I'll be honest; I was put off by her size, but it was heavily (pardon the pun) combined with the fact that she'd lie about it, and in such an obvious way (this was not something that occurred overnight).
I mean, I'm not a small guy, and I admit it's probably the one thing that's even close to stretching the truth on my profile (I list myself as "Average"), as far too often "a few extra pounds" and "overweight" are code for "obese", and as the months go by and the pounds come off (35 pounds lost in the last 7 months), it becomes less of a stretch and more of the reality anyway (ITT: Forar justifies his deception! *crash of thunder*).
Edit: note; I'm joking about the deception part. My pics are in no way designed to be deceiving, and given that most of them were taken a year or more ago, I'm actually thinner than they would indicate.
Hell, it actually makes me wonder what to do about playing the meta once I get down to my target weight. Unless I tone heavily or bulk up I doubt "athletic" will really fit, but if I can justify it I'd kind of like to move away from "Average". Maybe "Fit"? After losing the weight (and putting on the muscle) necessary to get there, I think I'll deserve it, but I've been a bigger guy for a long time, so I have a hard time thinking/seeing myself in that light.
Not an issue for now though. Gonna have to keep up that gym routine and try to ignore goodies that seem to appear in the kitchen at work (easier said than done, some asshole keeps bringing in donuts, cookies and pastries).
I chose the only 5 photos I have of myself. So I'm pretty sure I look exactly as I do in person as I do in my photos.
Which again, going back to the height and salary thing, am I the only person that doesn't lie about something to pump myself up?
This is tricky. Because two thoughts occur to me:
What if someone lies on their profile about something that isn't immediately apparent? That's a lie as well, but it doesn't result in people getting stood up or people justifying such behavior by saying, "Yeah, well they said they were vivacious and bubbly, when clearly they're just dull and subdued."
Two, there are lies where you fabricate information (the ones about salary and height), and there are lies where you omit certain facts. Just like in a profile you may omit that you bite your nails or that you have a tendency to commit murder; someone may omit present photos for former ones.
I chose the only 5 photos I have of myself. So I'm pretty sure I look exactly as I do in person as I do in my photos.
Which again, going back to the height and salary thing, am I the only person that doesn't lie about something to pump myself up?
This is tricky. Because two thoughts occur to me:
What if someone lies on their profile about something that isn't immediately apparent? That's a lie as well, but it doesn't result in people getting stood up or people justifying such behavior by saying, "Yeah, well they said they were vivacious and bubbly, when clearly they're just dull and subdued."
Two, there are lies where you fabricate information (the ones about salary and height), and there are lies where you omit certain facts. Just like in a profile you may omit that you bite your nails or that you have a tendency to commit murder; someone may omit present photos for former ones.
Putting up photos is meant to show what you look like. If you omit present photos for past ones (where you look different), then that's not a 'lie of omission.' To use your analogy, it would be akin to saying "I don't bite my nails" and "I totally don't murder people" when, in fact, you recently started biting your nails after giving the axe to the postman because you think he saw you hiding that other body. It's assumed (rightly so) that your profile represents you in your current state. It's supposed to say "This is who I am, wanna hang out/date/whatever?" not, "This is who I was, wanna take a chance that I'm still like that?"
Yeah, I got hit with the "girl is 50 lbs bigger than the picture" dilemma before, except I actually followed through with the date.
I had this happen as well. Her profile listed her as "thin" and her pics were misleading/old. The woman I met was definitely not "thin", and while she wasn't morbidly obese, she was significantly heavier than I like my partners to be. I stuck with the date (we saw Avatar, this was back in January as I recall) and then went out for coffee and chatted. Didn't end up really having all that much in common to talk about either, so we parted ways at the end of the night and that was it.
I'll be honest; I was put off by her size, but it was heavily (pardon the pun) combined with the fact that she'd lie about it, and in such an obvious way (this was not something that occurred overnight).
I mean, I'm not a small guy, and I admit it's probably the one thing that's even close to stretching the truth on my profile (I list myself as "Average"), as far too often "a few extra pounds" and "overweight" are code for "obese", and as the months go by and the pounds come off (35 pounds lost in the last 7 months), it becomes less of a stretch and more of the reality anyway (ITT: Forar justifies his deception! *crash of thunder*).
Edit: note; I'm joking about the deception part. My pics are in no way designed to be deceiving, and given that most of them were taken a year or more ago, I'm actually thinner than they would indicate.
Hell, it actually makes me wonder what to do about playing the meta once I get down to my target weight. Unless I tone heavily or bulk up I doubt "athletic" will really fit, but if I can justify it I'd kind of like to move away from "Average". Maybe "Fit"? After losing the weight (and putting on the muscle) necessary to get there, I think I'll deserve it, but I've been a bigger guy for a long time, so I have a hard time thinking/seeing myself in that light.
Not an issue for now though. Gonna have to keep up that gym routine and try to ignore goodies that seem to appear in the kitchen at work (easier said than done, some asshole keeps bringing in donuts, cookies and pastries).
Hmm. This is sort of how I have interpreted the body type descriptions:
I think about it in terms of muscle and body mass index. For me, at 5'11" my "healthy weight" is somewhere between ~145 and ~180. (I'm actually around 155.)
I would say "average" is towards the upper end of the BMI spectrum for a "healthy weight", or if I was around 170-180, or just a touch more.
"Thin" or "skinny" would be towards the lower end of the BMI spectrum for a "healthy weight," or about 145-160 for my height, which is around where I am. I picked "thin" for my OKC profile.
"A few extra pounds" would be someone who is overweight, technically speaking by BMI. For me, it would be if I weighed ~185-210.
Now, I look at "fit" and "athletic" a bit different. I think of someone who has visible muscle. Abs, a good chest, larger biceps, etc. I sort of throw the BMI stuff out of the window for those descriptions, and looking at pictures would get a better idea of a basic body type. Even though I work out pretty regularly and consider myself to be fit by the general definition of the word, I wouldn't pick either of those terms.
That's sort of how I look at those terms, personally.
I was going to go for a date. I saw her come in from the corner of the bar, and she was ~45 lbs heavier than her pictures, but recognizably her. I ducked out the rear entrance and got hate mail for never showing up.
no, really. you're a dick for doing that. god fucking forbid you have a conversation with someone, wrap it up and have the actual spine and decency to say you don't want to pursue anything.
I'll agree with the others who say it's a far worse sin to deliberately deceive someone about your weight. Physical attraction is one of the most important factors in finding a partner, and by grossly misrepresenting yourself there, you've lost any chance of the relationship moving forward.
I don't know how I feel about slipping out the back entrance, but ducking out of a date for whatever reason -- justified or not -- is not nearly as bad as lying about your body in such a fundamental way. I'm having trouble justifying staying at the bar, paying for a drink, spending time talking when the person has demonstrated a propensity for deliberate deception.
I don't know if Kali did the right thing per se, but he didn't do the wrong thing here. He ducked out of talking to a deceptive individual. I don't see why that's wrong.
Melkster on
0
Options
Rear Admiral ChocoI wanna be an owl, Jerry!Owl York CityRegistered Userregular
edited July 2010
Wait what the hell. You honestly think standing someone up after agreeing to meet them by sneaking out when you see them isn't worse than lying about weight? I mean, if it's that important, you could say something to their face rather than be an awful shit. I get that it sucks that they were deceptive but you could have the decency to say something and let them know it's not going to work.
Thing is, it's not ok to do a bad thing because someone else did a bad thing. And if no one here is spending much time talking about the girl's deception, it's probably because we've talked about it a lot, as opposed to people who can't muster up enough of a spine to remain in the seat when seeing their date coming.
Septus on
PSN: Kurahoshi1
0
Options
FencingsaxIt is difficult to get a man to understand, when his salary depends upon his not understandingGNU Terry PratchettRegistered Userregular
edited July 2010
Yeah, standing someone up like that sucks. Does it suck they misled people on their proflie? You need to remember that 1)this is the internet, and 2) this is essentially blind dating with a snapshot before hand. Sometimes things don't go the way you expect.
Also, I added a bunch more to my profile. I have so far got replies from 2 people, both of which seem pretty cool.
Yeah, standing someone up like that sucks. Does it suck they misled people on their proflie? You need to remember that 1)this is the internet, and 2) this is essentially blind dating with a snapshot before hand. Sometimes things don't go the way you expect.
Also, I added a bunch more to my profile. I have so far got replies from 2 people, both of which seem pretty cool.
I don't see how this being the internet has anything to do with it. Someone lying on the internet is still someone who is lying in real life. And it's not blind dating. If it was blind dating, then we wouldn't have any pictures or any information beforehand. Completely different.
Don't get me wrong. I feel sorry for the girl a little bit. She probably left those other pictures up because she felt that she looked better in them. And some people would probably not look at her twice simply based on looks if she's a bigger person. But at the same time, she still lied. She said she was one thing when she was actually another. It doesn't matter what she lied about. The fact is that she did it.
I'll echo some other folks in the thread: Why would you want to date someone who lied about something on the first date? To me, they wouldn't be worth the time and they deserve the disappointment that they get in life for being liars.
ChillyWilly on
PAFC Top 10 Finisher in Seasons 1 and 3. 2nd in Seasons 4 and 5. Final 4 in Season 6.
If there's a massive warning sign that someone was deceptive, manipulative, abusive, or some other very negative quality, I would have no problem getting up and moving on. Misrepresenting your weight by forty-five pounds completely qualifies as a huge warning sign for a deceptive personality. I don't see any need to continue any kind of relationship at all.
I guess he could have walked over there and said, "I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you misrepresented your weight. That strikes me as very deceptive. I wish you would have been honest." Or even just, "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work out." But keep in mind that this is the first meeting. They were just getting to know eachother and have virtually no relationship.
I mean, I see the other side of this too. Standing up people is bad. I get that. Two wrongs don't make a right. I get that too. But forcing yourself to spend time with someone who has demonstrated a propensity for deception and who you know you'll never see again strikes me as unreasonable.
I do appreciate your opinions, though, and I see where you all are coming from.
Melkster on
0
Options
HachfaceNot the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking ofDammit, Shepard!Registered Userregular
I mean, I see the other side of this too. Standing up people is bad. I get that. Two wrongs don't make a right. I get that too. But forcing yourself to spend time with someone who has demonstrated a propensity for deception and who you know you'll never see again strikes me as unreasonable.
I think it would be overly harsh to judge this person as a conniving, serial deceiver when the situation probably is that she is lonely and more than a little ashamed of her weight.
45 lbs isn't a gigantic difference for some body types
i think we all use advantageous pictures- whether they compliment our bodies or our skin or whatever- and i think there's a pretty wide gradient (like, totally unrecognizable) before i'd say the person maliciously 'lied'
Organichu on
0
Options
FencingsaxIt is difficult to get a man to understand, when his salary depends upon his not understandingGNU Terry PratchettRegistered Userregular
edited July 2010
Just so that you know, I completely understand where you're coming from. I agree that lying about your appearance and your weight is not a good thing, and lying about it to other people is bad. I just don't think it justifies standing someone up. Now, you likely aren't going to see them again either way, so it doesn't matter to anyone but your date and you. Who knows, maybe you'll have a fun night.
I mean, I see the other side of this too. Standing up people is bad. I get that. Two wrongs don't make a right. I get that too. But forcing yourself to spend time with someone who has demonstrated a propensity for deception and who you know you'll never see again strikes me as unreasonable.
I think it would be overly harsh to judge this person as a conniving, serial deceiver when the situation probably is that she is lonely and more than a little ashamed of her weight.
Feelings of loneliness and shame do not suddenly disappear when you lie to people, even if they happen to accept that you lied and still have the one date with you.
I've been ashamed of my weight in the past. That doesn't mean I should be lying to people to get them to hang out with me.
ChillyWilly on
PAFC Top 10 Finisher in Seasons 1 and 3. 2nd in Seasons 4 and 5. Final 4 in Season 6.
As demonstrated, the importance of being upfront about these kinds of things means a lot more to some people than others, but it does mean a hell of a lot to some.
45 lbs isn't a gigantic difference for some body types
Well, it actually is, especially for women just because they tend to be shorter.
An increase of forty-five pounds will take you from a very slim healthy weight to being overweight for almost every height, regardless of frame size.
This is the internet. Was she sitting on a scale that read "45 pounds over what my profile says I am"?
Unless he's involved in some industry that gives him an eye for exact weight and measurements without use of tools, for all we know it was 15 pounds and he just didn't want to sound like a goosebag.
Or it was 60 pounds and he was being kind (I find this option unlikely).
Just sayin', let's not get too caught up on a specific. "She was significantly heavier than her profile/photos/previous statements indicated" seems to be enough without running BMI simulations across various height/weight comparisons.
Edit: Septus knows what's goin' on.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
The exact weight is not important since he wouldn't know that number, whether it "wouldn't show" isn't the point because it explicitly did and was misrepresented.
45 lbs isn't a gigantic difference for some body types
what body types are these? the already morbidly obese?
and as has been said, he clearly doesn't know the exact change unless they were meeting on The Biggest Loser scale....it was enough of a difference that it was very noticeable to him....that's all that matters here
So it's a goosey thing to do to blatantly lie to people about your size, and it's a goosey thing to do to stand someone up entirely. Extenuating circumstances may have existed, but as someone who has been stood up in the past, I can empathize with her situation, just as someone who has met people who lied about their physique, I can empathize with his situation.
Attributing who was more in the wrong seems irrelavent to me. The whole situation was full of more than enough Fail and Goosery to go around.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Attributing who was more in the wrong seems irrelavent to me. The whole situation was full of more than enough Fail and Goosery to go around.
Hence the "two wrongs yadda yadda" but most of us are just countering the reverse attribution that standing people up is worse that isn't warranted either.
Infidel on
0
Options
OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
edited July 2010
It is beyond goosey to lie about what you look like to get a date.
In other news, I thought what the hell I'll put up a profile on adopt a guy. An obese black lady with a username that has the word McLovin in it added me to her cart. Blerg.
OnTheLastCastle on
0
Options
kaliyamaLeft to find less-moderated foraRegistered Userregular
45 lbs isn't a gigantic difference for some body types
Well, it actually is, especially for women just because they tend to be shorter.
An increase of forty-five pounds will take you from a very slim healthy weight to being overweight for almost every height, regardless of frame size.
This is the internet. Was she sitting on a scale that read "45 pounds over what my profile says I am"?
Unless he's involved in some industry that gives him an eye for exact weight and measurements without use of tools, for all we know it was 15 pounds and he just didn't want to sound like a goosebag.
Or it was 60 pounds and he was being kind (I find this option unlikely).
Just sayin', let's not get too caught up on a specific. "She was significantly heavier than her profile/photos/previous statements indicated" seems to be enough without running BMI simulations across various height/weight comparisons.
Edit: Septus knows what's goin' on.
It's probably good to bet against me being kind. The girl was thick and 5'8 to begin with, and had let herself go. So maybe it was 30 lbs, but she went from what one could plausibly call "full-figured" to "okcupid the hutt." That said I rest on my authority; if you move far up enough the patriarchy you gain the ability to adequately assess height, weight and cup size. I can do it with probably 90% accuracy, mostly because I live with a model and a fashion designer.
I didn't mean to start an argument ... I certianly was embarrassed about what I did, and was trying to share with the group. I didn't think there'd be two sides to the issue. I still don't know what the right answer is though. I was pissed and dismayed, so If I had stuck around it was going to be awkward, and I certainly didn't feel like sticking around the whole time.
I guess I could have toughed it out for 20 minutes, but if i'm abrupt and awkward and leave soon, she's going to know why and that would make her feel bad about herself, too. I was more curious as to what people thought the most graceful exit strategy would have been.
kaliyama on
0
Options
kaliyamaLeft to find less-moderated foraRegistered Userregular
It is beyond goosey to lie about what you look like to get a date.
In other news, I thought what the hell I'll put up a profile on adopt a guy. An obese black lady with a username that has the word McLovin in it added me to her cart. Blerg.
45 lbs isn't a gigantic difference for some body types
i think we all use advantageous pictures- whether they compliment our bodies or our skin or whatever- and i think there's a pretty wide gradient (like, totally unrecognizable) before i'd say the person maliciously 'lied'
yeah, this. that whole "deception" argument is completely weak and completely self-centred. if you want to pussy out and bail, try thinking about being in the other person's position instead of running the "risk" of hanging out with a heavier/different looking girl for an hour. a fucking hour won't kill anyone.
retrovm on
0
Options
OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
edited July 2010
Shrug, my time is worth more than spending it with someone who has lied to me before we've even met. You're not taking into account how they might've hurt his feelings by doing that.
Before I hear you screech... For the record, I would've stayed, but probably left early unless they were a wonderful conversationalist. And that is a supreme minority.
Lesson: Don't lie about what you look like or fundamental parts of your personality. There are people for everyone.
edit: Self centered? It is a person you don't know who lied to you. We're not shoving a nun out of the way to get a good seat on the bus.
again, i reject the premise that every difference is a 'lie'. that's harsh language. if i post a black and white head shot and you meet me but i have rosacea, did i lie to you?
or, how about this one
to a casual observer, it might just seem like i'm intentionally looking to my left at what's over there- but in fact, i have a lazy eye. do i have to post a candid shot of me trying to stare ahead to 'be honest with you' about my lazy eye?
or here
by not accentuating my lazy eye am i being a deceitful trickster?
what i'm saying is that there is a lot of variance- pictures can make you look good, pictures can make you look bad. there are favorable angles or perspectives or filters, or whatever. that doesn't mean anything 'nasty' right off the bat. there certainly are situations where it can't really be chalked up to a misunderstanding- like if it's a 5 year old picture and you've literally doubled your bodyweight- but even then leaving someone standing alone in a restaurant is a shitty thing to do, IMO.
Shrug, my time is worth more than spending it with someone who has lied to me before we've even met. You're not taking into account how they might've hurt his feelings by doing that.
Before I hear you screech... For the record, I would've stayed, but probably left early unless they were a wonderful conversationalist. And that is a supreme minority.
Lesson: Don't lie about what you look like or fundamental parts of your personality. There are people for everyone.
edit: Self centered? It is a person you don't know who lied to you. We're not shoving a nun out of the way to get a good seat on the bus.
When I first got back into online dating, I had this happen, but I went the opposite route and went ahead with the coffee date anyway since it would be good practice. That still is kind of a terrible mindset, but she was a fine girl and we had good conversation so whatever. And yeah I was a little pissed she had lied about her weight, but then a funny thing happened to me a few months later.
This summer I've been trying very hard to get the whole six pack abs going, and in doing so have lost about 20 lbs in 2 months. But all that weight loss later, and though I've shrunk pant sizes and so on, I still have a bit of a belly, which freaked me out, since I had no idea I was 20+ lbs overweight because I'd put the weight on so slowly over the years. So it can happen, people can really not realize they've put on weight.
You're under no obligation to date someone overweight, but that certainly doesn't mean you can't maybe make a new friend out of an otherwise not so great situation.
Shrug, my time is worth more than spending it with someone who has lied to me before we've even met. You're not taking into account how they might've hurt his feelings by doing that.
Before I hear you screech... For the record, I would've stayed, but probably left early unless they were a wonderful conversationalist. And that is a supreme minority.
Lesson: Don't lie about what you look like or fundamental parts of your personality. There are people for everyone.
edit: Self centered? It is a person you don't know who lied to you. We're not shoving a nun out of the way to get a good seat on the bus.
it's totally self-centred because it's all WAHH THIS PERSON LIED TO ME, I'LL SHOW THEM. they didn't deliberately set out to LIE to anyone, they just chose photos they thought were flattering, which might have been older/whatever amount of pounds ago. this is absurd. i'm not condoning that crap, but he should've been a decent person and hung out for an hour or whatever. and the followup fat jokes are just childish. get over it.
retrovm on
0
Options
OnTheLastCastlelet's keep it haimish for the peripateticRegistered Userregular
edited July 2010
You are really flipping out over this. Is anyone making fat jokes? I'm not.
I like talking to people alright. I'd have talked to her, but I don't think he did a horrible awful thing by not wanting to go through with it. No one is saying we think people are just physical, but needing physical attraction is not shallow. You need physical, mental and emotional attraction for a relationship to work.
I don't think anyone's reacted with "extreme recoil." Most of us have been saying either that they would go through with the conversation, or that -- like me -- they totally understand not going through with it, but they aren't sure if it was the "right" thing to do.
Even the person who originally stood up the girl said that he didn't know if it was the right thing to do, that he was embarrassed and upset by the situation, and then asked what the right thing thing to do would have been.
I think we've been quite reasonable and measured...
45 lbs isn't a gigantic difference for some body types
i think we all use advantageous pictures- whether they compliment our bodies or our skin or whatever- and i think there's a pretty wide gradient (like, totally unrecognizable) before i'd say the person maliciously 'lied'
yeah, this. that whole "deception" argument is completely weak and completely self-centred. if you want to pussy out and bail, try thinking about being in the other person's position instead of running the "risk" of hanging out with a heavier/different looking girl for an hour. a fucking hour won't kill anyone.
this
at ive been stood up alot, and theres really not any worse feeling and i refuse to subject a fellow human being to it
of course, im not heavier, and the only way im "different looking" is not having a lantern-jaw, so im confused. If they dont have the common decency to at least try to keep an appointment...
You are really flipping out over this. Is anyone making fat jokes? I'm not.
I like talking to people alright. I'd have talked to her, but I don't think he did a horrible awful thing by not wanting to go through with it. No one is saying we think people are just physical, but needing physical attraction is not shallow. You need physical, mental and emotional attraction for a relationship to work.
Totally agreed, but I think people are jumping on the bailing out on the person, and rightly so. If you are so bothered by someone's deceitfulness in a situation like that, I think you at least ought to man up and go and tell them so. Sneaking out the back is pretty poor form.
Posts
Bwah?
If you don't fill in a section, it doesn't show up at all.
As much as I'd hope people would use the opportunity to show a little personality or humour in that section, I'd rather they left it blank (and thus, missing) than put a cliche in there.
Hell, I've been thinking of putting it in my profile, or making a journal post (which I need to do for 90% completion, omgomgomgomg) about it.
"Look, people, if you don't want to put anything in there... just don't put anything in there. The field doesn't show up in your profile if it's empty! You don't need to sweat it! It can't hurt you anymore!"
Don't worry, in America, "average" means "obese."
I'm not American.
Do I not mention Toronto often enough in the Gay Rights thread? :P
This is tricky. Because two thoughts occur to me:
What if someone lies on their profile about something that isn't immediately apparent? That's a lie as well, but it doesn't result in people getting stood up or people justifying such behavior by saying, "Yeah, well they said they were vivacious and bubbly, when clearly they're just dull and subdued."
Two, there are lies where you fabricate information (the ones about salary and height), and there are lies where you omit certain facts. Just like in a profile you may omit that you bite your nails or that you have a tendency to commit murder; someone may omit present photos for former ones.
Putting up photos is meant to show what you look like. If you omit present photos for past ones (where you look different), then that's not a 'lie of omission.' To use your analogy, it would be akin to saying "I don't bite my nails" and "I totally don't murder people" when, in fact, you recently started biting your nails after giving the axe to the postman because you think he saw you hiding that other body. It's assumed (rightly so) that your profile represents you in your current state. It's supposed to say "This is who I am, wanna hang out/date/whatever?" not, "This is who I was, wanna take a chance that I'm still like that?"
Online dating in Toronto is a hell of a lot better than back home, because most of the time, what you see is what you get.
I'm going to guess it,s "betteroffdead". I don't know why, but that name radiates cheerfulness. It just seems to inspire optimism about the future.
Hmm. This is sort of how I have interpreted the body type descriptions:
I think about it in terms of muscle and body mass index. For me, at 5'11" my "healthy weight" is somewhere between ~145 and ~180. (I'm actually around 155.)
I would say "average" is towards the upper end of the BMI spectrum for a "healthy weight", or if I was around 170-180, or just a touch more.
"Thin" or "skinny" would be towards the lower end of the BMI spectrum for a "healthy weight," or about 145-160 for my height, which is around where I am. I picked "thin" for my OKC profile.
"A few extra pounds" would be someone who is overweight, technically speaking by BMI. For me, it would be if I weighed ~185-210.
Now, I look at "fit" and "athletic" a bit different. I think of someone who has visible muscle. Abs, a good chest, larger biceps, etc. I sort of throw the BMI stuff out of the window for those descriptions, and looking at pictures would get a better idea of a basic body type. Even though I work out pretty regularly and consider myself to be fit by the general definition of the word, I wouldn't pick either of those terms.
That's sort of how I look at those terms, personally.
I'll agree with the others who say it's a far worse sin to deliberately deceive someone about your weight. Physical attraction is one of the most important factors in finding a partner, and by grossly misrepresenting yourself there, you've lost any chance of the relationship moving forward.
I don't know how I feel about slipping out the back entrance, but ducking out of a date for whatever reason -- justified or not -- is not nearly as bad as lying about your body in such a fundamental way. I'm having trouble justifying staying at the bar, paying for a drink, spending time talking when the person has demonstrated a propensity for deliberate deception.
I don't know if Kali did the right thing per se, but he didn't do the wrong thing here. He ducked out of talking to a deceptive individual. I don't see why that's wrong.
Goddamn.
Also, I added a bunch more to my profile. I have so far got replies from 2 people, both of which seem pretty cool.
I don't see how this being the internet has anything to do with it. Someone lying on the internet is still someone who is lying in real life. And it's not blind dating. If it was blind dating, then we wouldn't have any pictures or any information beforehand. Completely different.
Don't get me wrong. I feel sorry for the girl a little bit. She probably left those other pictures up because she felt that she looked better in them. And some people would probably not look at her twice simply based on looks if she's a bigger person. But at the same time, she still lied. She said she was one thing when she was actually another. It doesn't matter what she lied about. The fact is that she did it.
I'll echo some other folks in the thread: Why would you want to date someone who lied about something on the first date? To me, they wouldn't be worth the time and they deserve the disappointment that they get in life for being liars.
I guess he could have walked over there and said, "I'm sorry, but I don't understand why you misrepresented your weight. That strikes me as very deceptive. I wish you would have been honest." Or even just, "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work out." But keep in mind that this is the first meeting. They were just getting to know eachother and have virtually no relationship.
I mean, I see the other side of this too. Standing up people is bad. I get that. Two wrongs don't make a right. I get that too. But forcing yourself to spend time with someone who has demonstrated a propensity for deception and who you know you'll never see again strikes me as unreasonable.
I do appreciate your opinions, though, and I see where you all are coming from.
I think it would be overly harsh to judge this person as a conniving, serial deceiver when the situation probably is that she is lonely and more than a little ashamed of her weight.
i think we all use advantageous pictures- whether they compliment our bodies or our skin or whatever- and i think there's a pretty wide gradient (like, totally unrecognizable) before i'd say the person maliciously 'lied'
Well, it actually is, especially for women just because they tend to be shorter.
An increase of forty-five pounds will take you from a very slim healthy weight to being overweight for almost every height, regardless of frame size.
Feelings of loneliness and shame do not suddenly disappear when you lie to people, even if they happen to accept that you lied and still have the one date with you.
I've been ashamed of my weight in the past. That doesn't mean I should be lying to people to get them to hang out with me.
Of course, Kali could totally be wrong about how many extra pounds she had.
This is the internet. Was she sitting on a scale that read "45 pounds over what my profile says I am"?
Unless he's involved in some industry that gives him an eye for exact weight and measurements without use of tools, for all we know it was 15 pounds and he just didn't want to sound like a goosebag.
Or it was 60 pounds and he was being kind (I find this option unlikely).
Just sayin', let's not get too caught up on a specific. "She was significantly heavier than her profile/photos/previous statements indicated" seems to be enough without running BMI simulations across various height/weight comparisons.
Edit: Septus knows what's goin' on.
and as has been said, he clearly doesn't know the exact change unless they were meeting on The Biggest Loser scale....it was enough of a difference that it was very noticeable to him....that's all that matters here
Attributing who was more in the wrong seems irrelavent to me. The whole situation was full of more than enough Fail and Goosery to go around.
Hence the "two wrongs yadda yadda" but most of us are just countering the reverse attribution that standing people up is worse that isn't warranted either.
In other news, I thought what the hell I'll put up a profile on adopt a guy. An obese black lady with a username that has the word McLovin in it added me to her cart. Blerg.
It's probably good to bet against me being kind. The girl was thick and 5'8 to begin with, and had let herself go. So maybe it was 30 lbs, but she went from what one could plausibly call "full-figured" to "okcupid the hutt." That said I rest on my authority; if you move far up enough the patriarchy you gain the ability to adequately assess height, weight and cup size. I can do it with probably 90% accuracy, mostly because I live with a model and a fashion designer.
I didn't mean to start an argument ... I certianly was embarrassed about what I did, and was trying to share with the group. I didn't think there'd be two sides to the issue. I still don't know what the right answer is though. I was pissed and dismayed, so If I had stuck around it was going to be awkward, and I certainly didn't feel like sticking around the whole time.
I guess I could have toughed it out for 20 minutes, but if i'm abrupt and awkward and leave soon, she's going to know why and that would make her feel bad about herself, too. I was more curious as to what people thought the most graceful exit strategy would have been.
Perhaps she is a feeder and would like to supersize you. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_fetishism
yeah, this. that whole "deception" argument is completely weak and completely self-centred. if you want to pussy out and bail, try thinking about being in the other person's position instead of running the "risk" of hanging out with a heavier/different looking girl for an hour. a fucking hour won't kill anyone.
Before I hear you screech... For the record, I would've stayed, but probably left early unless they were a wonderful conversationalist. And that is a supreme minority.
Lesson: Don't lie about what you look like or fundamental parts of your personality. There are people for everyone.
edit: Self centered? It is a person you don't know who lied to you. We're not shoving a nun out of the way to get a good seat on the bus.
or, how about this one
to a casual observer, it might just seem like i'm intentionally looking to my left at what's over there- but in fact, i have a lazy eye. do i have to post a candid shot of me trying to stare ahead to 'be honest with you' about my lazy eye?
or here
by not accentuating my lazy eye am i being a deceitful trickster?
what i'm saying is that there is a lot of variance- pictures can make you look good, pictures can make you look bad. there are favorable angles or perspectives or filters, or whatever. that doesn't mean anything 'nasty' right off the bat. there certainly are situations where it can't really be chalked up to a misunderstanding- like if it's a 5 year old picture and you've literally doubled your bodyweight- but even then leaving someone standing alone in a restaurant is a shitty thing to do, IMO.
strokes, folks, etc
When I first got back into online dating, I had this happen, but I went the opposite route and went ahead with the coffee date anyway since it would be good practice. That still is kind of a terrible mindset, but she was a fine girl and we had good conversation so whatever. And yeah I was a little pissed she had lied about her weight, but then a funny thing happened to me a few months later.
This summer I've been trying very hard to get the whole six pack abs going, and in doing so have lost about 20 lbs in 2 months. But all that weight loss later, and though I've shrunk pant sizes and so on, I still have a bit of a belly, which freaked me out, since I had no idea I was 20+ lbs overweight because I'd put the weight on so slowly over the years. So it can happen, people can really not realize they've put on weight.
You're under no obligation to date someone overweight, but that certainly doesn't mean you can't maybe make a new friend out of an otherwise not so great situation.
it's totally self-centred because it's all WAHH THIS PERSON LIED TO ME, I'LL SHOW THEM. they didn't deliberately set out to LIE to anyone, they just chose photos they thought were flattering, which might have been older/whatever amount of pounds ago. this is absurd. i'm not condoning that crap, but he should've been a decent person and hung out for an hour or whatever. and the followup fat jokes are just childish. get over it.
I like talking to people alright. I'd have talked to her, but I don't think he did a horrible awful thing by not wanting to go through with it. No one is saying we think people are just physical, but needing physical attraction is not shallow. You need physical, mental and emotional attraction for a relationship to work.
Even the person who originally stood up the girl said that he didn't know if it was the right thing to do, that he was embarrassed and upset by the situation, and then asked what the right thing thing to do would have been.
I think we've been quite reasonable and measured...
this
at ive been stood up alot, and theres really not any worse feeling and i refuse to subject a fellow human being to it
of course, im not heavier, and the only way im "different looking" is not having a lantern-jaw, so im confused. If they dont have the common decency to at least try to keep an appointment...
Totally agreed, but I think people are jumping on the bailing out on the person, and rightly so. If you are so bothered by someone's deceitfulness in a situation like that, I think you at least ought to man up and go and tell them so. Sneaking out the back is pretty poor form.