Every few years we as a nation come together and elect a leader of the great nation of the United States of America.
Now theres some argument on weather or no what we do actually matters. If the candidates we like even have a chance if they break the party lines, or if we are all just spinning endlessly in a hamster wheel while our corporate overloads watch down upon us from on high.
But who am I to say how it works? I am but a man, and as such I am here to present only the facts about this election cycle so here are the candidates:REPUBLICAN
Ted "Soupy Soup" "The Zodiac Killer" Cruz
This is man who loves soup and the GOP. Hes their current big gun that the Republican Party seems to be rallying behind. He is pretty religious and conservative. If elected he has promised a can of Chunky Soup in every cupboard.
Donald "The Donald" Trump
Hes rude, hes crude, he speaks his mind, and he hates veterans who didn't win, the poor, Mexicans, people with disabilities, anyone whos Muslim, and people who don't agree that his daughter is hot. He wants to make America great again. What does that mean? Who the hell knows. Not him, hes too busy being the best at elections.DEMOCRATS
Hillary "The Rod" Clinton
(seen here jamming out to her favorite tunes)
Hillary is the moderate Democrat and appears to be the front runner for the Democratic Party. They love her, your grand parents love her, minorities seem to love her, and her husband...exists. Shes taken heat for everything you can think of from flip flopping opinions to military actions she had little to no involvement in, to just being a woman. She has a strong lead on the party nom right now but she is something of a divisive candidate to some in the party.
Bernie "The Burninator" Sanders
Hes the far side of the liberal Democrats. He wasn't always a Democrat, and honestly after this election if he loses he will probably go back to not being one. That being said he wants to fight, for your right, to equal pay and getting money out of politics. He seems to be a man of the people, often mingling and spending time with his supporters. Even if you don't like his policies you gotta admit hes awful friendly!
So yeah thats what were looking at right now. There might be a few surprised down the road but right now that is our 2016 US Presidental Line Up!
Now imagine them all running out onto a stage to this
Ok so, same as last time: Please keep discussion civil and refrain from letting arguments on the internet make your blood boil. Count to 10 and take a deep breath.
Now enjoy this great post from Joshofalltrades
Okay, I'm going to do my best to summarize all of the crazy things that have happened so far in the 2015-2016 Republican Presidential primary races. Just to put it in perspective. I'm going to leave out memes like the Zodiac Killer thing because that's just the Internet being the Internet.Ben CarsonChris ChristieTed Cruz
Carly FiorinaMike HuckabeeJEB!John KasichRand PaulMarco Rubio
- Loves him some soup.
- Said that people who believe in climate change are the equivalent of flat earthers.
- Warned of liberal fascism targeting Christians.
- Released a list of weird facts about himself to be more... relatable? I guess? Among the items in the list are: "I was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got terribly ill. (Yes, apparently octopuses can be poisonous)," "In high school, I had a role in The Sound of Music twice. But I can’t carry a tune to save my life," "I was once suspended in high school for skipping class to play foosball," and "My favorite movie is The Princess Bride. I can quote every line."
- Claimed that his endorsements by Jeb!, Romney, Mike Lee and Mark Levin proved he had appeal across the entire spectrum of the GOP.
- Pulled dirty tricks against Ben Carson in Iowa, claiming that Carson had dropped out and that his supporters should vote for Cruz instead.
- Then, the two politicians had a meeting about it in a broom closet.
- Sent shameful "VOTING VIOLATION" mailers out to potential voters, disclosing their voting record to neighbors and threatening to continue to do so if they did not turn out to vote in the primary.
- Made a bizarre audition tape for The Simpsons in an attempt to be humorous.
- Does not believe in the right to masturbate. Apparently this is a new belief.
- Made vague insinuations about New Yorkers with his "New York values" comments. Was completely ignored at the NYC GOP gala while speaking.
- Ate a booger off his lip at a nationally-televised debate.
- He shocked Anderson Cooper by admitting he loves The Godfather Part III without any shame in the revelation.
- Had a tabloid scandal regarding several extramarital affairs go mainstream. Resulted in a back-and-forth Twitter slapfight with Donald Trump.
*breaks out the liquor*Donald Trump
- Build a wall and make Mexico pay for it.
- Mexico is sending us rapists.
- Compared the Patriots to China, in a good way
- Got involved with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson's love life.
- He's hyper-sensitive about his hands and their size.
- Donald Trump Defends Size Of His Penis
- "I alone can solve" the problem of radical Islam.
- Megyn Kelly had "blood coming out of her wherever".
- Proposed a total ban of all Muslim travel to the US. Including American citizens abroad returning to the country.
- Also wants to surveil mosques and possibly shut them down.
- Refused to disavow David Duke on the air when confronted. Later did disavow him, but why waffle?
- First you bomb the oil. Then you take the oil. Then you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the women.
- Re: Fiorina -- "Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president?! I mean, she's a woman, and I'm not s'posedta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?"
- Expelled Jorge Ramos from a press conference for having the gall to ask him a question. Told him to "go back to Univision".
- Throws black people out of his rallies. Whether they are protesting or not.
- Threatens to sue protestors.
- Bullies the press regularly in unprecedented ways, and the press just takes it.
- Had Sarah Palin give the most unusual endorsement speech of all time.
- Claims global warming concept was created by the Chinese to ruin American industry.
- Re: the people of Iowa -- "How stupid are the people of Iowa? How stupid are the people of this country to believe this crap."
- McCain is not a war hero. Trump likes people who weren't captured.
- Trump encourages violence at his rallies against protestors.
- Encourages nuclear proliferation.
- Wants to sell missiles to Iran that don't work. Is on public record with this "deceptive" scheme.
- Mocked Asians with broken English.
- Called Rand Paul "ugly".
- Claims illegal immigrants are killing "thousands of people". Will "round them up in a very humane and nice way."
- Mocked a disabled reporter.
- Called NATO "obsolete and expensive".
- Praised Vladimir Putin.
- His campaign manager battered a female Breitbart reporter on video.
- Signed a pledge not to run as a third party candidate. Then, when things stopped going his way, metaphorically put that in the paper shredder.
You know what? I'm done. I don't even think this is everything. Jesus Christ.