In a real bad "oh god what am I doing, I'm such a fucking mess, I'll never pass, I'm a freak, I waited too long, there's no point transitioning, why am I doing this, I'm ruining my life for nothing" kinda headspace right now. I've lost sight of any kind of light at the end of a tunnel.
Fuuuuuuuck
Well here's what I tell myself when I have these days (in order):
You're doing a very brave and very good thing.
Most people cis or trans are too much of a mess themselves to realize how messy the rest of us are.
Passing is bullshit, and shitty people will always find excuses to judge, better to own your look, regardless of what shitty people think. The good people will love you no matter what.
You're not a freak, that's just letting the worst of society lie to you.
It's literally never too late to transition.
If you want this, it's worth it, that's all the point there needs to be.
You're doing this because it's important to you.
Giving up won't be better.
It's tough sometimes, but you got this. It's okay to take some time if you need it, step back a bit if you're feeling overwhelmed, but don't let yourself believe there's no light because there are good days to come.
+14
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
While I am 100% sorry for you Ben.
I am still also extremely angry at your former partner also.
In a real bad "oh god what am I doing, I'm such a fucking mess, I'll never pass, I'm a freak, I waited too long, there's no point transitioning, why am I doing this, I'm ruining my life for nothing" kinda headspace right now. I've lost sight of any kind of light at the end of a tunnel.
Fuuuuuuuck
Well here's what I tell myself when I have these days (in order):
You're doing a very brave and very good thing.
Most people cis or trans are too much of a mess themselves to realize how messy the rest of us are.
Passing is bullshit, and shitty people will always find excuses to judge, better to own your look, regardless of what shitty people think. The good people will love you no matter what.
You're not a freak, that's just letting the worst of society lie to you.
It's literally never too late to transition.
If you want this, it's worth it, that's all the point there needs to be.
You're doing this because it's important to you.
Giving up won't be better.
It's tough sometimes, but you got this. It's okay to take some time if you need it, step back a bit if you're feeling overwhelmed, but don't let yourself believe there's no light because there are good days to come.
This is a very good list.
+9
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jaziekBad at everythingAnd mad about it.Registered Userregular
In a real bad "oh god what am I doing, I'm such a fucking mess, I'll never pass, I'm a freak, I waited too long, there's no point transitioning, why am I doing this, I'm ruining my life for nothing" kinda headspace right now. I've lost sight of any kind of light at the end of a tunnel.
Fuuuuuuuck
Well here's what I tell myself when I have these days (in order):
You're doing a very brave and very good thing.
Most people cis or trans are too much of a mess themselves to realize how messy the rest of us are.
Passing is bullshit, and shitty people will always find excuses to judge, better to own your look, regardless of what shitty people think. The good people will love you no matter what.
You're not a freak, that's just letting the worst of society lie to you.
It's literally never too late to transition.
If you want this, it's worth it, that's all the point there needs to be.
You're doing this because it's important to you.
Giving up won't be better.
It's tough sometimes, but you got this. It's okay to take some time if you need it, step back a bit if you're feeling overwhelmed, but don't let yourself believe there's no light because there are good days to come.
If only I had been brave enough to come out all those years ago. If only I hadnt spent so many years hiding from myself, and from the world. I knew then, but I was a coward, and now I've wasted my life.
All I want is to be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile.
I want to see a girl smiling back at me.
On days like today it feels completely impossible to imagine. I'm so far away.
So much regret, so much fear. I'm just overwhelmed. Thanks for the kind words, I need every single one I can get.
In a real bad "oh god what am I doing, I'm such a fucking mess, I'll never pass, I'm a freak, I waited too long, there's no point transitioning, why am I doing this, I'm ruining my life for nothing" kinda headspace right now. I've lost sight of any kind of light at the end of a tunnel.
Fuuuuuuuck
Well here's what I tell myself when I have these days (in order):
You're doing a very brave and very good thing.
Most people cis or trans are too much of a mess themselves to realize how messy the rest of us are.
Passing is bullshit, and shitty people will always find excuses to judge, better to own your look, regardless of what shitty people think. The good people will love you no matter what.
You're not a freak, that's just letting the worst of society lie to you.
It's literally never too late to transition.
If you want this, it's worth it, that's all the point there needs to be.
You're doing this because it's important to you.
Giving up won't be better.
It's tough sometimes, but you got this. It's okay to take some time if you need it, step back a bit if you're feeling overwhelmed, but don't let yourself believe there's no light because there are good days to come.
If only I had been brave enough to come out all those years ago. If only I hadnt spent so many years hiding from myself, and from the world. I knew then, but I was a coward, and now I've wasted my life.
All I want is to be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile.
I want to see a girl smiling back at me.
On days like today it feels completely impossible to imagine. I'm so far away.
So much regret, so much fear. I'm just overwhelmed. Thanks for the kind words, I need every single one I can get.
Mourning time lost won't help anyone. What's important, what matters is where you are now and where you want to go. Before you were hiding from yourself, now you know what you want. That's a huge step, it takes time to make and you made it. It may feel like you have a long ways to go but the truth is, every day you get up knowing who you are, and who you want to be, you're moving closer to that goal. Some days the progress isn't visible, but trust me, it's there. Years from now, you won't have to look back and regret where you were because you've already taken the biggest step. You're on your way to something better. And yeah, some days it's hard to see that years from now, but it'll be there.
Got a call from my mom this morning before work, and thought "wow, she felt inspired to call me on day one of Pride Month, maybe it's time to finally have this conversation." But it turns out that my stepdad is going in for emergency surgery (gastrointestinal blockage, uncertain source, hard to say what the long-term impact is until they actually get in there and see what the hell it is), and given that my mom suffers from some of the worst anxiety attacks that I've ever witnessed, I decided today was not actually the day to stress her out any more.
So I put it all out on social media in front of a bunch of people who don't care or already knew instead.
Realizing lately that I don't really trust or respect basically any of the moderators here. So, good luck with life, friends! Hit me up on Twitter @DesertLeviathan
In a real bad "oh god what am I doing, I'm such a fucking mess, I'll never pass, I'm a freak, I waited too long, there's no point transitioning, why am I doing this, I'm ruining my life for nothing" kinda headspace right now. I've lost sight of any kind of light at the end of a tunnel.
Fuuuuuuuck
Well here's what I tell myself when I have these days (in order):
You're doing a very brave and very good thing.
Most people cis or trans are too much of a mess themselves to realize how messy the rest of us are.
Passing is bullshit, and shitty people will always find excuses to judge, better to own your look, regardless of what shitty people think. The good people will love you no matter what.
You're not a freak, that's just letting the worst of society lie to you.
It's literally never too late to transition.
If you want this, it's worth it, that's all the point there needs to be.
You're doing this because it's important to you.
Giving up won't be better.
It's tough sometimes, but you got this. It's okay to take some time if you need it, step back a bit if you're feeling overwhelmed, but don't let yourself believe there's no light because there are good days to come.
If only I had been brave enough to come out all those years ago. If only I hadnt spent so many years hiding from myself, and from the world. I knew then, but I was a coward, and now I've wasted my life.
All I want is to be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile.
I want to see a girl smiling back at me.
On days like today it feels completely impossible to imagine. I'm so far away.
So much regret, so much fear. I'm just overwhelmed. Thanks for the kind words, I need every single one I can get.
I know how this sort of thing can feel.
I spent literally decades of my life controlled by my fear and anxiety and depression and CPTSD, as well as poorly managed autism. Did almost literally nothing with so many of those years, too afraid to risk failing to be able to try doing much of anything.
All you can do now is try your best to stay focused on dealing with things, at whatever pace works for you.
Not sure how things are supposed to feel right now. I've had a couple of dizzy spells and my chest has felt a little puffy. Like no difference in size or look but just feeling a little swollen if that makes sense. Also been feeling things a bit more raw now. Things at work that used to just annoy me now makes me feel a little on edge. I tear up at stupid things. Like I was listing to a fan translation/sung version of the Sailor Moon theme and when she breaks into the original English version of it I got teary eyed.
I figured since a good part of us getting together came from people in this thread I should at least let the same people know how things have turned out
feeling pretty numb at the moment, since it wasn't in truth a massive surprise considering we've been having some trouble... but I didn't quite realise how bad it actually was. he's away at the moment too and I have exams in just over a week so, yeah, kinda rough timing.
not sure what's going to happen once he gets home, but seeing as he's moving to the UK in the not-too-distant future and I can't exactly move back in with my parents we'll probably have to stick it out together for a while if we can handle it...
also just realised this happened the day of pride month so that kinda sucks huh
I’ve been trying to think of something better to say than “that sucks” but, god damn, it really does. It’ll get better, obviously, life goes on, etcetera, but, man, that’s still tragic
I caught some flak from cis people for thinking the guidelines on the previous page were unreasonable. I tried to argue that they put people like me under a lot of additional stress and that they seemed exclusively desgined from a top-down perspective, that I'd rather engage in something based around my own decision-making process. I also tried to argue that gatekeeping negatively impacts the relationship between therapist and client, but they equated this to the relationship between doctor and patient. It got to the point where I didn't believe in my own arguments anymore and started feeling like a nut.
No, it is bonkers. Thinking about it in the context of other medical interventions makes the arbitrariness and cruelty of the gatekeeping more obvious.
I caught some flak from cis people for thinking the guidelines on the previous page were unreasonable. I tried to argue that they put people like me under a lot of additional stress and that they seemed exclusively desgined from a top-down perspective, that I'd rather engage in something based around my own decision-making process. I also tried to argue that gatekeeping negatively impacts the relationship between therapist and client, but they equated this to the relationship between doctor and patient. It got to the point where I didn't believe in my own arguments anymore and started feeling like a nut.
Oh well, not sure where I'm going with this.
People don't necessarily consider it until they really think about it, but the gatekeeping bullshit is in place because of a view that transitioning is some sort of last resort for someone who has a medical problem, rather than the perfectly normal next step for someone who wants to do a mild bit of physical body correction. If it doesn't affect you personally, and you have no frame of reference for always wanting to have been born someone else, it can be hard to realise that medical professionals are being arses about it, because we're generally taught that doctors are always right.
Anyway, it sucks, and I hope that some of those cis people sit down and think about it harder afterwards and consider your viewpoint on the matter.
@Anzekay Sorry dude. My gf broke up with me like two months ago, and it sucks but that's just the way things go sometimes. I promise you that it'll get better over time. There's gonna be bad days, I won't lie, but those get less and less as time goes on. And you're a rad guy, so I'm sure you'll bounce back and find someone that will make you happy. Just take it one day at a time, and don't be afraid to take a mental health day from work or skill. That helped me a ton early on.
I'm rooting for ya.
+1
Options
Garlic Breadi'm a bitch i'm a bitch i'm a bitch i'm aRegistered User, Disagreeableregular
I’ve been trying to think of something better to say than “that sucks” but, god damn, it really does. It’ll get better, obviously, life goes on, etcetera, but, man, that’s still tragic
I would like to say that, as someone who he lived with their ex-fiance for a year now, it gets easier. I'm not gonna say that it gets better, because my life hasn't gotten better at all. But it does get easier. Trust, you are going to have some troubling nights where you can't believe the feeling is good and you don't think anyone will feel that way about you. Trust, you are going to hear things that you think "well what's wrong with me that you never did that" [which I thought tonight, which, again, my engagement broke up a year ago now]
But you're also going to think "Fuck him, I'm worth it. I'm worthy of more than just him."
Listen to that second voice. It's the correct one. Despite whatever strengths you feel, you'll always know you have that weakness. But you can turn it into a strength.
+7
Options
Garlic Breadi'm a bitch i'm a bitch i'm a bitch i'm aRegistered User, Disagreeableregular
Also, although it seems like a good idea (for a little bit) and you will feel better (for a little bit)
Don't drink away your sorrow
+4
Options
Indie Winterdie KräheRudi Hurzlmeier (German, b. 1952)Registered Userregular
Garlic Bread I told my ex(in feb ‘17) I wanted a divorce and then had to sign a 6-month lease in our then-current apartment just for time to disentangle all of our our very tangled bullshit from a 15-years-long relationship
I’m out now but only recently am I coming to terms with how much the last five years of my life completely fucked me up
What I’m saying @Garlic Bread is i’m starting a first wives club and do you want in
I got really pissed off earlier, browsing twitter for discussions on demisexuality, only to find (yet again) people debating it's fucking existence. On the first day of pride month, even. That's a great thing to stumble onto.
But instead of dwell on that, I decided to do something positive and I designed a transgender/demisexual combo flag. Amara may or may not have been a motivating factor in this. >w>
(I'm open to tweaking it, if anyone has any issue with this at all)
It’s really goofy that GRS requires a year or so out for most insurance companies to cover it. Like, it’d still be weird if the same applied to HRT, but at least understandable since it actually can change you day-to-day appearance. Unless you’re in a very small pool of professions, nobody is going to notice if you get GRS.
(And yes, I’m aware it’s done that way because they don’t want to pay for the more expensive procedure. Death to Capitalism.)
GrogMy sword is only steelin a useful shape.Registered Userregular
it is pride, my dudes
+39
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
I kind of want to do something for pride month. Even though the idea that me being part of pride is still quite strange to me. Like, how dumb must you be to get to 32 years old thinking you're totally straight and then suddenly realise lol, nope, you're queer. But anyway there's not really anything I can do as I'm still mostly hiding everything. But I can have a rainbow dinosaur avatar so dangit I shall.
+11
Options
GrogMy sword is only steelin a useful shape.Registered Userregular
Oh I'm terrified of going to any pride events, I don't know any queer people and have had practically no contact with that community my entire life.
It’s really goofy that GRS requires a year or so out for most insurance companies to cover it. Like, it’d still be weird if the same applied to HRT, but at least understandable since it actually can change you day-to-day appearance. Unless you’re in a very small pool of professions, nobody is going to notice if you get GRS.
(And yes, I’m aware it’s done that way because they don’t want to pay for the more expensive procedure. Death to Capitalism.)
Part of what makes the difference is GRS is a lot more invasive and difficult to reverse. You can stop taking hormones pretty much whenever you want, that surgery is a much bigger step. It's not about visibility
I kind of want to do something for pride month. Even though the idea that me being part of pride is still quite strange to me. Like, how dumb must you be to get to 32 years old thinking you're totally straight and then suddenly realise lol, nope, you're queer. But anyway there's not really anything I can do as I'm still mostly hiding everything. But I can have a rainbow dinosaur avatar so dangit I shall.
I kind of want to do something for pride month. Even though the idea that me being part of pride is still quite strange to me. Like, how dumb must you be to get to 32 years old thinking you're totally straight and then suddenly realise lol, nope, you're queer. But anyway there's not really anything I can do as I'm still mostly hiding everything. But I can have a rainbow dinosaur avatar so dangit I shall.
Posts
ineedmayo.com Eidolon Journal Updated
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
Well here's what I tell myself when I have these days (in order):
You're doing a very brave and very good thing.
Most people cis or trans are too much of a mess themselves to realize how messy the rest of us are.
Passing is bullshit, and shitty people will always find excuses to judge, better to own your look, regardless of what shitty people think. The good people will love you no matter what.
You're not a freak, that's just letting the worst of society lie to you.
It's literally never too late to transition.
If you want this, it's worth it, that's all the point there needs to be.
You're doing this because it's important to you.
Giving up won't be better.
It's tough sometimes, but you got this. It's okay to take some time if you need it, step back a bit if you're feeling overwhelmed, but don't let yourself believe there's no light because there are good days to come.
I am still also extremely angry at your former partner also.
Satans..... hints.....
This is a very good list.
If only I had been brave enough to come out all those years ago. If only I hadnt spent so many years hiding from myself, and from the world. I knew then, but I was a coward, and now I've wasted my life.
All I want is to be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile.
I want to see a girl smiling back at me.
On days like today it feels completely impossible to imagine. I'm so far away.
So much regret, so much fear. I'm just overwhelmed. Thanks for the kind words, I need every single one I can get.
Mourning time lost won't help anyone. What's important, what matters is where you are now and where you want to go. Before you were hiding from yourself, now you know what you want. That's a huge step, it takes time to make and you made it. It may feel like you have a long ways to go but the truth is, every day you get up knowing who you are, and who you want to be, you're moving closer to that goal. Some days the progress isn't visible, but trust me, it's there. Years from now, you won't have to look back and regret where you were because you've already taken the biggest step. You're on your way to something better. And yeah, some days it's hard to see that years from now, but it'll be there.
So I put it all out on social media in front of a bunch of people who don't care or already knew instead.
I know how this sort of thing can feel.
I spent literally decades of my life controlled by my fear and anxiety and depression and CPTSD, as well as poorly managed autism. Did almost literally nothing with so many of those years, too afraid to risk failing to be able to try doing much of anything.
All you can do now is try your best to stay focused on dealing with things, at whatever pace works for you.
Not sure how things are supposed to feel right now. I've had a couple of dizzy spells and my chest has felt a little puffy. Like no difference in size or look but just feeling a little swollen if that makes sense. Also been feeling things a bit more raw now. Things at work that used to just annoy me now makes me feel a little on edge. I tear up at stupid things. Like I was listing to a fan translation/sung version of the Sailor Moon theme and when she breaks into the original English version of it I got teary eyed.
The song if you were curious.
thanks for the condolences folks
I figured since a good part of us getting together came from people in this thread I should at least let the same people know how things have turned out
feeling pretty numb at the moment, since it wasn't in truth a massive surprise considering we've been having some trouble... but I didn't quite realise how bad it actually was. he's away at the moment too and I have exams in just over a week so, yeah, kinda rough timing.
not sure what's going to happen once he gets home, but seeing as he's moving to the UK in the not-too-distant future and I can't exactly move back in with my parents we'll probably have to stick it out together for a while if we can handle it...
also just realised this happened the day of pride month so that kinda sucks huh
I’ve been trying to think of something better to say than “that sucks” but, god damn, it really does. It’ll get better, obviously, life goes on, etcetera, but, man, that’s still tragic
Oh well, not sure where I'm going with this.
People don't necessarily consider it until they really think about it, but the gatekeeping bullshit is in place because of a view that transitioning is some sort of last resort for someone who has a medical problem, rather than the perfectly normal next step for someone who wants to do a mild bit of physical body correction. If it doesn't affect you personally, and you have no frame of reference for always wanting to have been born someone else, it can be hard to realise that medical professionals are being arses about it, because we're generally taught that doctors are always right.
Anyway, it sucks, and I hope that some of those cis people sit down and think about it harder afterwards and consider your viewpoint on the matter.
I'm rooting for ya.
I would like to say that, as someone who he lived with their ex-fiance for a year now, it gets easier. I'm not gonna say that it gets better, because my life hasn't gotten better at all. But it does get easier. Trust, you are going to have some troubling nights where you can't believe the feeling is good and you don't think anyone will feel that way about you. Trust, you are going to hear things that you think "well what's wrong with me that you never did that" [which I thought tonight, which, again, my engagement broke up a year ago now]
But you're also going to think "Fuck him, I'm worth it. I'm worthy of more than just him."
Listen to that second voice. It's the correct one. Despite whatever strengths you feel, you'll always know you have that weakness. But you can turn it into a strength.
Don't drink away your sorrow
I’m out now but only recently am I coming to terms with how much the last five years of my life completely fucked me up
What I’m saying @Garlic Bread is i’m starting a first wives club and do you want in
But instead of dwell on that, I decided to do something positive and I designed a transgender/demisexual combo flag. Amara may or may not have been a motivating factor in this. >w>
(I'm open to tweaking it, if anyone has any issue with this at all)
(And yes, I’m aware it’s done that way because they don’t want to pay for the more expensive procedure. Death to Capitalism.)
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
it is pride, my dudes
Part of what makes the difference is GRS is a lot more invasive and difficult to reverse. You can stop taking hormones pretty much whenever you want, that surgery is a much bigger step. It's not about visibility
made my fucking day
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
It's generally a great way to meet people in the community though
Psst, I was 36, there's no shame
That rainbow dinosaur avatar rules