My secret is Amazon Wardrobe, it is "free" with Prime membership and you can request clothes whenever you want. You have 7 days to return them in the pre addressed package they send with the clothes.
It's a really, really low stress way to try things and find out what looks good on me!
Holy shit! That sounds rad as hell! I'll have to look into that.
My secret is Amazon Wardrobe, it is "free" with Prime membership and you can request clothes whenever you want. You have 7 days to return them in the pre addressed package they send with the clothes.
It's a really, really low stress way to try things and find out what looks good on me!
Holy shit! That sounds rad as hell! I'll have to look into that.
Yeah, I was looking into monthly subscription boxes and then this started up, is very good, and you don't have to wait for a once per month thing!
Went to a party with my girlfriend the other day and despite me really not being comfortable with crowds and strangers I had a lot of fun. I still felt a bit of that lingering awkwardness but overall it was good. My best time ever at a party full of strangers. Also my first time at a party full of strangers as a girl so, you know.
Unfortunately not so good was the party moved over to the beach and everyone was super excited to do some midnight skinny dipping. My girlfriend jumped right in and it was super affirming to her for being one of the girls and she loved it so much.
I, uh, didn't so much.
I wanted to, so much, but my options were be out in my bald head around strangers and get my wig sandy or get my wig wet with dirty water and maybe it falls off anyway. I ended up sitting on a bench and silently crying while assuring my girlfriend I was okay every time she asked because I have no idea how to balance my gender dysphoria against her gender euphoria.
She was very good about comforting me and taking care of me afterwards to be clear.
I just really wish I didn't have to deal with wigs and I wish that the logistics of wig upkeep didn't feel dysphoric.
My secret is Amazon Wardrobe, it is "free" with Prime membership and you can request clothes whenever you want. You have 7 days to return them in the pre addressed package they send with the clothes.
It's a really, really low stress way to try things and find out what looks good on me!
Oh I didn't know about that. That's interesting.
There's no plan, there's no race to be run
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
Went to a party with my girlfriend the other day and despite me really not being comfortable with crowds and strangers I had a lot of fun. I still felt a bit of that lingering awkwardness but overall it was good. My best time ever at a party full of strangers. Also my first time at a party full of strangers as a girl so, you know.
Unfortunately not so good was the party moved over to the beach and everyone was super excited to do some midnight skinny dipping. My girlfriend jumped right in and it was super affirming to her for being one of the girls and she loved it so much.
I, uh, didn't so much.
I wanted to, so much, but my options were be out in my bald head around strangers and get my wig sandy or get my wig wet with dirty water and maybe it falls off anyway. I ended up sitting on a bench and silently crying while assuring my girlfriend I was okay every time she asked because I have no idea how to balance my gender dysphoria against her gender euphoria.
She was very good about comforting me and taking care of me afterwards to be clear.
I just really wish I didn't have to deal with wigs and I wish that the logistics of wig upkeep didn't feel dysphoric.
Went to a party with my girlfriend the other day and despite me really not being comfortable with crowds and strangers I had a lot of fun. I still felt a bit of that lingering awkwardness but overall it was good. My best time ever at a party full of strangers. Also my first time at a party full of strangers as a girl so, you know.
Unfortunately not so good was the party moved over to the beach and everyone was super excited to do some midnight skinny dipping. My girlfriend jumped right in and it was super affirming to her for being one of the girls and she loved it so much.
I, uh, didn't so much.
I wanted to, so much, but my options were be out in my bald head around strangers and get my wig sandy or get my wig wet with dirty water and maybe it falls off anyway. I ended up sitting on a bench and silently crying while assuring my girlfriend I was okay every time she asked because I have no idea how to balance my gender dysphoria against her gender euphoria.
She was very good about comforting me and taking care of me afterwards to be clear.
I just really wish I didn't have to deal with wigs and I wish that the logistics of wig upkeep didn't feel dysphoric.
Cassie, I'm in the same boat... I'm also muddling through those issues, but at least I feel like myself when I'm wearing them. Hugs if you want them.
I need to go on a really specific and maybe selfish sort of rant here. But I also have a question at the end of all of it so I'm gonna pop it in some spoilers.
My transition has been in a holding pattern for a while now. I'm on hormones and that's helping a lot. I'm out to my entire social group.
BUT... but... due to a continuing series of bad luck and dumb decisions on my part I've never had the financial stability for hair removal, speech therapy, and changing my name & gender markers. Also my anxiety makes it super difficult to do literally anything these days... which I am sure makes this all harder for me to deal with.
For hair removal I've been thinking about doing a crowdfunding thing. Maybe.
For speech therapy I got an app and am looking into a cheap option. The waiting list is a mile long so it may take a long time.
As for the name and gender change markers... I just... I just don't know what to do in what order. I'm currently unemployed, so I feel like I don't have the funds for a name change. I don't know what to change first: birth certificate? Driver's liscense? CAN or SHOULD I even apply for jobs as my preferred name? Most places don't have frields for "preferred name" or whatever. How do I deal with former employers who know me as (deadname) but I've not come out to... but oh wait they have a job I'm really good for but uuuuuugh approaching them is anxiety-inducing words cannot describe it.
I'm just so poor and worried about money but I'm also so tired of not being me EVERYWHERE, work included. I just... I just don't know how to navigate this mess. Or maybe I want to just fuckin' come out to everyone (and have plenty of them cut me out of their professional circle)... but I'm too scared. Maybe I'm just doing all of this wrong...
Sorry I guess there is no specific question I just don't know what to do.
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ElldrenIs a woman dammitceterum censeoRegistered Userregular
I need to go on a really specific and maybe selfish sort of rant here. But I also have a question at the end of all of it so I'm gonna pop it in some spoilers.
My transition has been in a holding pattern for a while now. I'm on hormones and that's helping a lot. I'm out to my entire social group.
BUT... but... due to a continuing series of bad luck and dumb decisions on my part I've never had the financial stability for hair removal, speech therapy, and changing my name & gender markers. Also my anxiety makes it super difficult to do literally anything these days... which I am sure makes this all harder for me to deal with.
For hair removal I've been thinking about doing a crowdfunding thing. Maybe.
For speech therapy I got an app and am looking into a cheap option. The waiting list is a mile long so it may take a long time.
As for the name and gender change markers... I just... I just don't know what to do in what order. I'm currently unemployed, so I feel like I don't have the funds for a name change. I don't know what to change first: birth certificate? Driver's liscense? CAN or SHOULD I even apply for jobs as my preferred name? Most places don't have frields for "preferred name" or whatever. How do I deal with former employers who know me as (deadname) but I've not come out to... but oh wait they have a job I'm really good for but uuuuuugh approaching them is anxiety-inducing words cannot describe it.
I'm just so poor and worried about money but I'm also so tired of not being me EVERYWHERE, work included. I just... I just don't know how to navigate this mess. Or maybe I want to just fuckin' come out to everyone (and have plenty of them cut me out of their professional circle)... but I'm too scared. Maybe I'm just doing all of this wrong...
Sorry I guess there is no specific question I just don't know what to do.
I am in a p similar situation
I got no clue either. halp?
fuck gendered marketing
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Curly I sympathise with the job stress. I'm also unemployed, and I'm finding the process of applying for jobs unbearable because of anxiety. I can't face putting myself in front of people like that as who I am right now. It's really tough.
Name change stuff is so hard to advise on because every state makes its own rules. I know in this state there's an activist group that will pay for it, so it might be worth looking into if there's anything like that available where you are?
My transition has been in a holding pattern for a while now. I'm on hormones and that's helping a lot. I'm out to my entire social group.
...
For hair removal I've been thinking about doing a crowdfunding thing. Maybe.
...
As for the name and gender change markers... I just... I just don't know what to do in what order. I'm currently unemployed, so I feel like I don't have the funds for a name change. I don't know what to change first: birth certificate? Driver's license?
...
first off, it's really, really good that you're still sticking with the things (being in touch with friends/supportive people, hrt, etc) that're keeping your head up while getting hit on various fronts.
my suggestion for hair removal would be to think of 2 places on your body where hair and hair-shadow bothers you most. most laser or electro bundle deals allow you to do your first 6-10 sessions on 1 or 2 areas for a bulk discount. that way, you could budget/crowdfund towards a bundle of laser or electro sessions to start just with those and see how far they get you.
name and gender wise (though bagel is right that it's different location-by-location), you'd probably be best served starting with your ID card (driver's license or local/regional ID card). updating any other documentation/your birth certificate are great goals, but right now, you deserve an ID card that's appropriate to your life to get you through everyday transactions and run-ins.
I definitely hear you on it being challenging to think about telling people who aren't Your Friends or people who're super involved in your life. coming out, I was about a year in at a client-facing job, and I pretty much spent the whole next year occasionally coming out to clients who got back in touch with me as needed.
one thing that helped a ton with acquaintances was framing it in terms of relief. that way, it's not just an update about your life, but it also sort of gives a prescribed answer/makes them be much more of a conspicuous butthead if they're gonna be objectionable.
something along the lines of:
"hey, just an update, I'm going by _____ these days (___/____ pronouns). it's been a real weight off my shoulders to have everyone on board, and I didn't want to leave you out of the loop."
that "everyone is on board", even if it's not wholly true, is a harmless lie, because if they are gonna be a jerk, that way they have to feel alone in their jerkitude, and if they're gonna be supportive, they won't make a whole thing out of how Supportive They Personally Are.
Thanks a lot for your words of wisdom and kindness @aStoryAboutYou .
I got an offer from this old place I used to work at. I just feel this immense dread in going back to work at a place where it's gonna be (deadname) all day. I mean... if I tell them... HOW? It's through a staffing firm too, so I have TWO sets of bosses and HR and coworkers to contend with. I hate it all and it makes me literally sick with worry.
Do I come out now, before I've even accepted the position? On my first day? Wait a week? A month? Never, since it's a temp gig anyway? Pass for a hypothetical different job at a place I've been able to apply to as my proper, preferred name?
(I'm not asking YOU specifically for answers but more generally the thread.)
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ShivahnUnaware of her barrel shifter privilegeWestern coastal temptressRegistered User, Moderatormod
I cannot remember if you're American, but in the US the general namechange pattern is court order->social security->ID->everything else.
Social security is critical and I am mentioning it because you need a matching social security name to get a lot of the other stuff, and you need that stuff to get other stuff (e.g., drivers' license or whatever for a lot of businesses). You also won't necessarily get everything back, so it's good to have certified copies of the court order, if you manage to scrape together funds to get everything started. The cascading stuff is important if you're going to be doing things which might have your name on them now, but will be important later (I am getting on my married name now, but need to take tests to apply for entry to Canada, and the whole thing has timelines and graphs and I am trying to schedule it so I don't need to write letters explaining to the immigration people).
Also I've done this three times in two states and it is a pain in the ass, but like, I guess that makes me fairly knowledgeable about the pain in the assness of it.
Thanks a lot for your words of wisdom and kindness @aStoryAboutYou .
I got an offer from this old place I used to work at. I just feel this immense dread in going back to work at a place where it's gonna be (deadname) all day. I mean... if I tell them... HOW? It's through a staffing firm too, so I have TWO sets of bosses and HR and coworkers to contend with. I hate it all and it makes me literally sick with worry.
Do I come out now, before I've even accepted the position? On my first day? Wait a week? A month? Never, since it's a temp gig anyway? Pass for a hypothetical different job at a place I've been able to apply to as my proper, preferred name?
(I'm not asking YOU specifically for answers but more generally the thread.)
If you can't bear the thought of working there as Deadname, you've nothing to lose taking it as your real self.
hm also I definitely don't mean to sound flippant or dismissive of other people's anxiety on this topic and associated turmoil; it's more that I have two paths in front of me and they are 'yolo' and 'dark forest of angst' and I'm trying really hard to choose the former
Speaking of... how do folks handle putting their preferred AND dead/still-technically-legal name on a job application? Most of the online forms don't have such a space for them...
I've been told by some folks to just not use my preferred name at all until I have it on SOME sort of ID. Which kinda makes sense?
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MsAnthropyThe Lady of Pain Breaks the Rhythm, Breaks the Rhythm, Breaks the RhythmThe City of FlowersRegistered Userregular
So, it's been awhile since I posted in here.
Things that have been going well:
I have titrated up to the generally recommended hormone regimen, and all of my labs are good.
My boobs hurt!
Two sessions of laser have seriously thinned out 50% of the hair I had remaining from my alopecia barbae. My next four sessions are already paid for and scheduled.
I am apparently picking up Voice Therapy lessons fairly quickly. After a few months I've pretty much nailed pitch and resonance, but have to focus on building stamina.
Sephora is offering follow-up classes to the first trans-focused course, and I've signed up.
I came out to my mom and step-dad, as well as my baby sister and her husband, and they are absolutely awesome, supportive, and loving people.
Things that suuuuuck:
My department at work is being eliminated at the end of the month, using COBRA for insurance looks prohibitively expensive, and none of the ACA-based plans have my doctor in-network.
My boobs hurt!
My process support group is on an indeterminate hiatus for truly silly reasons, so one of my main avenues for mentally handling everything is unavailable.
While we are lucky enough to a financial cushion to get by for at least a year or two, the whole job situation probably means either slowing the pace of my voice work or putting it on hold entirely.
Speaking of... how do folks handle putting their preferred AND dead/still-technically-legal name on a job application? Most of the online forms don't have such a space for them...
I've been told by some folks to just not use my preferred name at all until I have it on SOME sort of ID. Which kinda makes sense?
I feel that applying under the preferred name is the way to go, legal ID only really matters for admin stuff. Get the job first, then deal with the admin.
pimento on
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
I am regretting booking these blood tests for the afternoon. Fasting is making me hangry.
it probably doesn't sound important to some of you
but I wouldn't call it a "preferred" name
it's just... a name - nothing lesser than it is
Doobh on
Miss me? Find me on:
Twitch (I stream most days of the week) Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Super nice nurse took my blood. Very friendly and supportive and clearly not phased by transition stuff at all. I hope everyone I have to deal with is even half as nice as that.
"I would prefer your call me by my name, not my legal name." Is there a better word for this? You need some word to distinguish at times.
Started at a new company last week and the HR system has fields for Legal Name, Preferred Name, Pronouns. My preferred name is just that, a shorter version that everyone knows me by and should be using.
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minor incidentexpert in a dying fieldnjRegistered Userregular
"Preferred" to me always makes it sound like you're giving people a choice. Like you prefer soy milk, but you'll take almond milk if that's what they've got.
When I introduce myself I tell people my name is Jake.
It isn't, legally-- it's only gender-consistent with my legal name. But that's what my name is as far as anyone needs to know--outside of legal documents, and my mom.
I hope no one thinks I've offering unwanted advice on it, because I know it's a tough subject and and it varies so much from person to person. I just think some people need to be smacked over the head without the illusion of choice in how they address you. I've heard from friends who were rightly upset that they had told someone their "preferred name" and the person immediately followed up with "oh, but what's your real name?" and that seems like a real fuckin' bummer to deal with all the time.
It doesn't have to be changed by court order to be your *name* in almost any non-legal sense. Hell, I've applied for and gotten credit cards and jobs under by non-legal name. My electric service and internet service are both under that name as well. It shows up on my credit reports and background checks as a known alias. If anyone's hesitant to start using your new name without the court order and new Social Security card/driver's license to back it up, don't be.
Ah, it stinks, it sucks, it's anthropologically unjust
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GrogMy sword is only steelin a useful shape.Registered Userregular
It's not my new name/preferred name/assumed name.
It's my real name.
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
That's cool and all but for some people maybe that isn't how they feel so if they want to call it their preferred name they can.
There's a real lack of 'congrats on your wedding' cards out there where it's two women or two men getting married. In the biggest stationery shop in my city there were only four designs with 'mrs and mrs' or where the people on the front were both in dresses. It's just not good enough, and the majority of the generic wedding cards had 'mr and mrs' or something on.
You would think some big card company would have gone right for that gap in the market. It's 2018!!!
I get "Preferred name" for forms where, like, it's necessary to have your legal name, such as for insurance purposes and there needs to be a way to distinguish between the two. But as a general practice I hate it as a term because it reinforces the cultural impression that the basic courtesy of respecting a self-mandated identity is optional, rather than a fundamental societal expectation.
I get "Preferred name" for forms where, like, it's necessary to have your legal name, such as for insurance purposes and there needs to be a way to distinguish between the two. But as a general practice I hate it as a term because it reinforces the cultural impression that the basic courtesy of respecting a self-mandated identity is optional, rather than a fundamental societal expectation.
Yeah, I mean the way I come at it is that I've never heard of a "Mike" being met with "YOUR NAME IS MICHAEL, FUCK YOU I'M CALLING YOU MICHAEL". He just gets called Mike. That's just basic human courtesy that should be extended regardless of whether or not your legal and actual names are of the same gender.
Ah, it stinks, it sucks, it's anthropologically unjust
My only fear about using "real name" would be that someone would think I was referring to their deadname and I would be so embarrassed that I would immediately die.
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Holy shit! That sounds rad as hell! I'll have to look into that.
Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
Yeah, I was looking into monthly subscription boxes and then this started up, is very good, and you don't have to wait for a once per month thing!
Unfortunately not so good was the party moved over to the beach and everyone was super excited to do some midnight skinny dipping. My girlfriend jumped right in and it was super affirming to her for being one of the girls and she loved it so much.
I, uh, didn't so much.
I wanted to, so much, but my options were be out in my bald head around strangers and get my wig sandy or get my wig wet with dirty water and maybe it falls off anyway. I ended up sitting on a bench and silently crying while assuring my girlfriend I was okay every time she asked because I have no idea how to balance my gender dysphoria against her gender euphoria.
She was very good about comforting me and taking care of me afterwards to be clear.
I just really wish I didn't have to deal with wigs and I wish that the logistics of wig upkeep didn't feel dysphoric.
3DS: 2019-9671-8106 NNID: RamblinMushroom
Twitter/Tumblr
Oh I didn't know about that. That's interesting.
The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
God that's really tough. I'm sorry Cassie
Cassie, I'm in the same boat... I'm also muddling through those issues, but at least I feel like myself when I'm wearing them. Hugs if you want them.
All I wanted was to take a picture, to have something like photographic evidence
I have to keep myself from thinking too much about it
BUT... but... due to a continuing series of bad luck and dumb decisions on my part I've never had the financial stability for hair removal, speech therapy, and changing my name & gender markers. Also my anxiety makes it super difficult to do literally anything these days... which I am sure makes this all harder for me to deal with.
For hair removal I've been thinking about doing a crowdfunding thing. Maybe.
For speech therapy I got an app and am looking into a cheap option. The waiting list is a mile long so it may take a long time.
As for the name and gender change markers... I just... I just don't know what to do in what order. I'm currently unemployed, so I feel like I don't have the funds for a name change. I don't know what to change first: birth certificate? Driver's liscense? CAN or SHOULD I even apply for jobs as my preferred name? Most places don't have frields for "preferred name" or whatever. How do I deal with former employers who know me as (deadname) but I've not come out to... but oh wait they have a job I'm really good for but uuuuuugh approaching them is anxiety-inducing words cannot describe it.
I'm just so poor and worried about money but I'm also so tired of not being me EVERYWHERE, work included. I just... I just don't know how to navigate this mess. Or maybe I want to just fuckin' come out to everyone (and have plenty of them cut me out of their professional circle)... but I'm too scared. Maybe I'm just doing all of this wrong...
Sorry I guess there is no specific question I just don't know what to do.
I am in a p similar situation
I got no clue either. halp?
first off, it's really, really good that you're still sticking with the things (being in touch with friends/supportive people, hrt, etc) that're keeping your head up while getting hit on various fronts.
my suggestion for hair removal would be to think of 2 places on your body where hair and hair-shadow bothers you most. most laser or electro bundle deals allow you to do your first 6-10 sessions on 1 or 2 areas for a bulk discount. that way, you could budget/crowdfund towards a bundle of laser or electro sessions to start just with those and see how far they get you.
name and gender wise (though bagel is right that it's different location-by-location), you'd probably be best served starting with your ID card (driver's license or local/regional ID card). updating any other documentation/your birth certificate are great goals, but right now, you deserve an ID card that's appropriate to your life to get you through everyday transactions and run-ins.
I definitely hear you on it being challenging to think about telling people who aren't Your Friends or people who're super involved in your life. coming out, I was about a year in at a client-facing job, and I pretty much spent the whole next year occasionally coming out to clients who got back in touch with me as needed.
one thing that helped a ton with acquaintances was framing it in terms of relief. that way, it's not just an update about your life, but it also sort of gives a prescribed answer/makes them be much more of a conspicuous butthead if they're gonna be objectionable.
something along the lines of:
"hey, just an update, I'm going by _____ these days (___/____ pronouns). it's been a real weight off my shoulders to have everyone on board, and I didn't want to leave you out of the loop."
that "everyone is on board", even if it's not wholly true, is a harmless lie, because if they are gonna be a jerk, that way they have to feel alone in their jerkitude, and if they're gonna be supportive, they won't make a whole thing out of how Supportive They Personally Are.
I got an offer from this old place I used to work at. I just feel this immense dread in going back to work at a place where it's gonna be (deadname) all day. I mean... if I tell them... HOW? It's through a staffing firm too, so I have TWO sets of bosses and HR and coworkers to contend with. I hate it all and it makes me literally sick with worry.
Do I come out now, before I've even accepted the position? On my first day? Wait a week? A month? Never, since it's a temp gig anyway? Pass for a hypothetical different job at a place I've been able to apply to as my proper, preferred name?
(I'm not asking YOU specifically for answers but more generally the thread.)
Social security is critical and I am mentioning it because you need a matching social security name to get a lot of the other stuff, and you need that stuff to get other stuff (e.g., drivers' license or whatever for a lot of businesses). You also won't necessarily get everything back, so it's good to have certified copies of the court order, if you manage to scrape together funds to get everything started. The cascading stuff is important if you're going to be doing things which might have your name on them now, but will be important later (I am getting on my married name now, but need to take tests to apply for entry to Canada, and the whole thing has timelines and graphs and I am trying to schedule it so I don't need to write letters explaining to the immigration people).
Also I've done this three times in two states and it is a pain in the ass, but like, I guess that makes me fairly knowledgeable about the pain in the assness of it.
If you can't bear the thought of working there as Deadname, you've nothing to lose taking it as your real self.
yolo
...gonna leave the pronouns question unaddressed until hire and as for legally changing my name, probably soon if I get my shit together to do so
I've been told by some folks to just not use my preferred name at all until I have it on SOME sort of ID. Which kinda makes sense?
Things that have been going well:
Things that suuuuuck:
"The only real politics I knew was that if a guy liked Hitler, I’d beat the stuffing out of him and that would be it." -- Jack Kirby
I feel that applying under the preferred name is the way to go, legal ID only really matters for admin stuff. Get the job first, then deal with the admin.
but I wouldn't call it a "preferred" name
it's just... a name - nothing lesser than it is
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
Started at a new company last week and the HR system has fields for Legal Name, Preferred Name, Pronouns.
When I introduce myself I tell people my name is Jake.
It isn't, legally-- it's only gender-consistent with my legal name. But that's what my name is as far as anyone needs to know--outside of legal documents, and my mom.
I hope no one thinks I've offering unwanted advice on it, because I know it's a tough subject and and it varies so much from person to person. I just think some people need to be smacked over the head without the illusion of choice in how they address you. I've heard from friends who were rightly upset that they had told someone their "preferred name" and the person immediately followed up with "oh, but what's your real name?" and that seems like a real fuckin' bummer to deal with all the time.
It doesn't have to be changed by court order to be your *name* in almost any non-legal sense. Hell, I've applied for and gotten credit cards and jobs under by non-legal name. My electric service and internet service are both under that name as well. It shows up on my credit reports and background checks as a known alias. If anyone's hesitant to start using your new name without the court order and new Social Security card/driver's license to back it up, don't be.
It's my real name.
You would think some big card company would have gone right for that gap in the market. It's 2018!!!
but it also shouldn't be the default
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
Yeah, I mean the way I come at it is that I've never heard of a "Mike" being met with "YOUR NAME IS MICHAEL, FUCK YOU I'M CALLING YOU MICHAEL". He just gets called Mike. That's just basic human courtesy that should be extended regardless of whether or not your legal and actual names are of the same gender.