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Divorce Happy Fun Times

RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
edited September 2018 in Help / Advice Forum
Well, good luck to anyone who thinks they can actually get through all of this.

I've been married for a little over 6 years. In a relationship with my wife close to eight.

When we started dating she was essentially "on hold" for a guy she worked with. One of those "I can't be with you right now, but eventually I'll be ready, so wait for me!" while he went around with other women and she sat at her apartment with pictures of him in her room.

We also worked together, and through various social interactions eventually started seeing each other. I knew going in that she was hung up on this other person, but I thought she was amazing and was frankly way out of my league, so if I got to spend time with her and eventually something happened where she left I'd still be better for it. Things progressed, the other guy receded from the picture. I love her very much.

She moved in with me, then to a bigger apartment, then married, then first house, then we had our son. Then a larger house, then a larger house after that. The house we are in now she picked because its in an amazing school district and it having various things she's always wanted - garden tub, red brick, etc.

She took five years off work to raise our son, I plowed into my job to provide for them until she was ready to start working again. Got promoted. Got promoted again. Son started kindergarten this year. Sure enough, its an amazing school. He loves it. She goes back to work in a different field in a position she loves. Super happy for her. There were the normal issues all relationships have, but all in all things were good.

Now, as I said, I knew I married out of my league. I also had my parents divorce when I was in high school. And while each one of them played into what happened, I knew some of the things on my Dad's side - he got complacent. Things like giving her bath towels and Star Trek: First Contact (she hated Star Trek, he loved it) for Christmas. Never cooking or helping around the house. So I was determined to not make the same mistake. I made sure to randomly get flowers, at least once a month and never near an occasion along with handwritten notes. I learned to cook a few things and would do family meals or romantic dinners for date nights. Tried my best to do a monthly parentals take the kid and we go out together, though in the past couple of months that had admittedly slipped. None of this is to try and say or show how great a guy I am, as I may not or apparently am not one. Its mostly to show the pathology, fucked up ness, whatever in how seriously I was trying to avoid the relationship mistakes I had seen in my life.

8 days ago she gets a call from the guy. The woman he has been living with (her former best friend, who he went with instead of her...if this sounds high school I agree, we're in our thirties, by the way) for the past few years had been arrested for embezzlement from the auto shop she did accounting for and was going to prison for five years. He wanted to talk because he was all turned around. Talking meant meet up so he could give her things from their house that belonged to the former best friend - Halloween decorations, sewing stuff, things that were their shared interest.

I said I wasn't super comfortable with her and him hanging out on their own, because I try to always be honest with her. It seemed odd to me, considering past experience, that after her waiting on hold for him and then after not speaking for years he would just show up as soon as the person he was with wasn't an option anymore. That said, I also am fully aware we are partners and I don't get to control her choices and share this. She tells me she always appreciates my honesty, tells me I have nothing to worry about, and that she loves me. At this point, to reiterate, we are in our third home with a five year old son in our 7th year of being together, 6 of them married.

Two days after that she asks me to come to bed early (I am a senior retail manager and as a result have some odd hours). I say of course, and do so after getting our son in bed. She then tells me we need to talk. She married me for the wrong reasons. I made her feel good about herself and made her feel safe. She knows I am in love with her, and she loves me, but she is not in love with me. She doesn't know if she wants to be in this marriage. I ask her what has happened, she says nothing. I ask her what has changed, she says nothing. I say that I don't understand because less than 72 hours ago you loved me and things were fine, and now they aren't? She says she has been speaking to the other guy, and as he talked about how the woman he lived with had lied to him and how he couldn't understand because he thought she loved him, it made my wife think about her relationship with me and feel like she was doing the same thing. She said she didn't deserve to be in our relationship because she couldn't love me as much as I loved her.

I asked her what I needed to do differently. She said there were things that bothered her but it was normal stuff and not why this was happening. I asked her to please tell me what they were so we could try and fix things. She said she felt I was too strict with our son, and that she would prefer if I stopped drinking completely. To explain, when we started dating I was the guy with a decanter of whisky in the apartment at all times. As we progressed I cut that back to beer and wine, then just wine. But she had a point, and I said as much and said I would cut out all alcohol. And I have done so, up to this point. We also discussed that I was strict with our son because she was the exact opposite, and we both agreed we were too far on each end of the parenting spectrum and would reel ourselves back a bit. I viewed this as progress. I also said I didn't understand not wanting to try and salvage whatever was going on - there was couples counseling, etc we could try. She said they weren't the underlying issue.

I asked her what she wanted to do. She said maybe a day away would help her "stop losing her mind" (she is diagnosed and medicated ((successfully, usually)) bi-polar with a lot of messed up, abusive relationships in the past though I have no idea if this is a contributing factor or not, I may just be looking for external causes) as she had not really been totally by herself for more than 12 hours in over six years. I said absolutely. So she booked a hotel at a nearby seaside city for the night the following day, packed a day bag, and my son and I told her goodbye. She did go to the hotel (more on this in a minute) and spent the day and the next day walking on the beach, riding the ferry between islands, etc.

The following day she came back in the late afternoon. She said we needed to talk once our son was asleep. After I put him to bed, we went to our room and she told me we needed to think about how to separate. We basically had the same conversation again, with about the same results. She said I was the best man she had known, she loved me as a father for our son, etc but that this is how it had to be. I asked her if it was worth us losing each other, our house, our son losing the school and school district that was so important, and everything else that goes along with all of this. She said it was. Today she was supposed to go to my parent's so they could see our son. For background, she doesn't speak to her family at all, and they have a messed up, abusive background. My parents had become bigger than the normal in-law relationship and basically become her surrogate family, also. When she got there, my family took my son from her, said they would drop him off at dinner, and closed the door. I would like to emphasize I have not spoken to them at all about any of this, because my habit when things happen is I shut down. She's about the only person for whom this isn't the case and I could always communicate with. She has communicated with them, however, and their reaction has been from what she shared with them apparently.

Now, to the part I said I'd be back to in a minute. I said I knew she went to the hotel like she said she would. The reason I know that is I got worried after my wife, a diagnosed manic-depressive with no support structure outside of myself, my family, and a few work friends, was saying things like "I guess I just don't deserve to be happy" and "I just want to not hate myself when I look in the mirror" and completely torching a life we've been building for 7 years out of the blue. So, I did something I shouldn't have and used her Google account to track the GPS on her phone. I told myself I was making sure she was OK and wasn't in danger of hurting herself, but who knows if that was just a lie I told myself to feel better about what I was doing.

What I found was that yes, she went to the hotel the day she went out of town. I also found she had spent over 5 hours at the guy from the past's house the day she left work early and came to all of these realizations. Her description of that day was she left work after this epiphany and sat in her car crying until it was time to come home. Not sure if she meant from his driveway, or what.

And today after my family showed her the door and I found out (and how messed up is this, I yelled at them on the phone for this because they are the only family she has) I called her to finds out what was going on and see if she was OK. She said she was and she was going to hang out with a lady from her work. Where did she go? Former guy's house. And has been there the past 4 hours.

I haven't been back to work since the initial conversation and her going out of town. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I can't muster the interest in customer focus scores or dupe rates. I am fortunate that I have over 200 hours of sick time and three weeks vacation that I can move around to cover the time. I am OK in small bursts, but seem to randomly break down. I don't think I can afford the house we've moved to on just my salary, and I have no idea how she thinks she will survive on hers.

I don't know how to keep my son in his school. I don't even know if I want to go back to work, as everything I've done over the past 7-8 years has been towards the goal of earning us more money and having more time with my family as a result. I had finally, after years of work, gotten the nod for a true store manager position about a week before all of this happened. I would have gone from being home @ 5 maybe twice a week to six times a week. This would have also taken my salary from 5 figures to 6, and leading a team of 50 or so to a team of 150+. I don't know what on Earth to tell the market staff when I go back, as the whole reason I had pushed for it and performed for it was for my wife and son, both of whom I am apparently losing for reasons I don't understand.

So, for whatever brave soul, if any such exist, has actually managed to get all the way through this novel. I'm not really sure what help or advice I am looking for, honestly. I don't know what to do, what my plans are or should be, and have basically had my entire life destroyed, by surprise, in less than 7 days. I was going to post this on an alt as I've been on this board forever and I know in this subsection its allowed, but honestly I couldn't muster the effort to care.

We have a gun in the house, a gift from her gun-dealer (no joke) father. I moved it from where it was in our closet to the tirewell of my car. I said to myself at the time it was because I was concerned about her doing something to herself. I'm not 100% sure it isn't to help me do something to myself if I can't figure a way forward.


TLDR: I'm 34 years old, up for a life changing promotion, and everything in my life just imploded. I don't know what to do, who to do it with, or where to go from here.

Raynaga on
«134567

Posts

  • knitdanknitdan Registered User regular
    edited September 2018
    I’m sorry this has happened to you. The best advice I can give is as follows.

    -Get rid of the gun. You aren’t in a good place right now and your wife is acting erratically and it’s better just to remove even the possibility of a tragedy involving it.
    -Make sure your son is being taken care of. If this means he needs to stay with your parents for awhile, that’s ok and you shouldn’t feel bad for that.
    -Take care of yourself. If you have any friends you can rely on, let them help you cope.
    -Try not to drink. It doesn’t sound like you actually have a drinking problem, but either way it won’t help
    -If you feel up to it, start documenting. To protect both yourself and your son.
    -Talk to a lawyer.

    Addendum: Try not to think of yourself as having married “out of your league”. You have as much of a right to be treated with love and respect as anyone else, even if you think the other person is “better” than you in some way.

    knitdan on
    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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  • TubeTube Administrator, ClubPA admin
    Take the firing pin out of the gun and throw it in a lake, or otherwise render it inoperable. Alternatively, call the local police (non emergency) and say you would like to surrender a firearm. They’ll tell you what to do next, and might send someone to get it. You don’t need a reason.

    Get that thing out of sight and out of mind.

    The next thing you need to do is contact relevant mental health professionals and ask them what to do. Depending on your insurance you may have access to some kind of medical hotline, if not you can use some of the mental health resources that we’ve listed here.

    After that, lawyer.

    This situation is “contact professionals who deal with this stuff every day” all the way down.

    Hobnail wrote: »
    This forum has taken everything from me
    This hurts but I deserve it

    IncenjucarknitdanJaysonFourSo It Goeschrishallett83ceresNightDragonNobodyLostNinjajkylefultonfurlionCalicaKetarUsagiCambiataMugsleyDevoutlyApatheticmRahmaniDaenrisGonmunDrake Chambers38thDoeAngelHedgieadmanbDoodmannSleepjungleroomxRMS OceanicDelmainFeralkimemilskiForarJansonJebus314ShadowfireMichaelLCTomantaDoctorArchMrGrimoireTofystedethObiFettbalerbowerWheatBun01LoveIsUnityNightslyrJusticeDisruptedCapitalistZilla360El MuchoiTunesIsEvilelectricitylikesmeBobbledispatch.oHeirKwoaruKristmas KthulhuMsAnthropyMrVyngaardV1mMoridin889EvigilantKalnaurLoisLaneDronus86GMaster7Havelock2.0Broloshryke
  • chrishallett83chrishallett83 Hi! Registered User regular
    Holy shit yeah, that's basically /thread.

    Get rid of the gun, lawyer up, and find a counsellor.

    The last part of your post sounded like a cry for help, so go get some. There's no shame involved in that. You've gotta do what's right for you and your son.

    ceresTemporal ParadoxSo It GoesCalicaCambiataFeralForarJebus314balerbowerWheatBun01NightslyrMysstiTunesIsEvilelectricitylikesmeMoridin889LoisLaneGMaster7
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    lawyer up, talk to a counselor, document everything, and you are NOT losing your son.

    best of luck. I got divorced after 7 years and 2 kids and I'm doing ok!

    you will too (though it's a pain in the ass for the first year)

    ObiFettMysstMoridin889GMaster7
  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    She finally came home. Puttered around for a bit, then went to bed.

    I took steps with the firearm to ensure neither of us could get to it, to be careful.

    As sad as this is, if she came tomorrow and said it had all been a big mistake, bad week, whatever, I'd be completely fine moving forward as if nothing happened.

    I don't want to go to a lawyer because, messed up as this may be, I don't want things to become adversarial. And maybe it isn't needed? Just because separation is where we are apparently headed doesn't mean it has to turn into a courtroom drama, does it?

  • GarickGarick Registered User regular
    So after reading all that, there is a point I'd like to add.

    This isn't your fault.

    I think your wife probably isn't lying when she says she loves you/her kid, but it's not the kind of love you think... it's the selfish kind, like someone might love money, but they don't actually care about the money's feelings.

    Her priority is her happiness no matter what, and nothing anyone can do can change that. Do you think your kid could have done anything to make her love him enough not to do this horrible stuff? Of course not, and neither could you.

    That's why you need to get all this stuff documented immediately and lawyer up. Even if she doesn't hate you, she will try to take everything away from you, house, money, kid, and only because it's good for her, damn everyone else.

    Do you want your son raised by someone who doesn't actually care about him? For his sake, don't let this happen. Be there to protect him.

    ElvenshaeRichyDoodmannDelmainMysstmanwiththemachinegunMoridin889
  • knitdanknitdan Registered User regular
    Even in an amicable separation, you need someone with no emotional connection to either party to look out for your interests.

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    Raynaga wrote: »
    She finally came home. Puttered around for a bit, then went to bed.

    I took steps with the firearm to ensure neither of us could get to it, to be careful.

    As sad as this is, if she came tomorrow and said it had all been a big mistake, bad week, whatever, I'd be completely fine moving forward as if nothing happened.

    I don't want to go to a lawyer because, messed up as this may be, I don't want things to become adversarial. And maybe it isn't needed? Just because separation is where we are apparently headed doesn't mean it has to turn into a courtroom drama, does it?

    Lawyers are helpful even if the split isn't adversarial. They help sort through things and protect your interests in case things go sideways,

    I think you should probably see a therapist. I think she definitely should see a therapist but unless she's looking for advice and/or help I wouldn't push her to anything. Someone who can help you sort your thoughts going forward will be good.

    It sounds like she's hitting the end of her youth and can't really cope with it.

    If it's any consolation I think she's doing a stupid thing. It's not your fault.

    electricitylikesme
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Contacting a lawyer is more likely to protect you than anything. There is no harm whatsoever in having one who knows the situation just in case, and certainly consulting one for advice can only be a boon. It doesn't mean going to a courtroom, it means having someone who knows the relevant laws and how to negotiate them on your side. You don't go to trial just because you have a lawyer. Do you know how you'll work out custody? Do you know how that's decided in your state if you don't agree? Do you know how to write an agreement? Proooobably not.

    Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. If she said you were like a "father" to her... not sure you're coming back from that. Maybe your relationship will pull off a miracle, but if that's hurt by you seeking legal counsel after being told she wants a separation then it wasn't the miracle you were hoping for.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    dispatch.oElvenshaeHahnsoo1AngelHedgieDelmainNightslyrCelestialBadgerelectricitylikesmeKristmas KthulhuMsAnthropychrishallett83
  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited September 2018
    That was poorly phrased on my part. She was saying she loved me being a father for our son, not as a father to her.

    And no, I don't know the answers to any of that. I'll work on getting myself to a point where I can consider a lawyer. I don't think I'm there yet.

    Raynaga on
  • So It GoesSo It Goes We keep moving...Registered User regular
    Garick wrote: »
    So after reading all that, there is a point I'd like to add.

    This isn't your fault.

    I think your wife probably isn't lying when she says she loves you/her kid, but it's not the kind of love you think... it's the selfish kind, like someone might love money, but they don't actually care about the money's feelings.

    Her priority is her happiness no matter what, and nothing anyone can do can change that. Do you think your kid could have done anything to make her love him enough not to do this horrible stuff? Of course not, and neither could you.

    That's why you need to get all this stuff documented immediately and lawyer up. Even if she doesn't hate you, she will try to take everything away from you, house, money, kid, and only because it's good for her, damn everyone else.

    Do you want your son raised by someone who doesn't actually care about him? For his sake, don't let this happen. Be there to protect him.

    I think this is a bit over the top. I don't know how you read into this situation "she will try to take everything away from you" at all.



    OP, the utility of a lawyer consult at this point would be for them to explain to you how legal separation/divorce/custody proceedings work so you are prepared should you need to take that step.

    And if she insists on separating, you absolutely should speak to an attorney.

    tynicKetarUsagidispatch.oIrukaJansonNightDragonYoshisummonsAustinP0027LoveIsUnityNightslyrMysstZilla360electricitylikesmeBobbleBolthornKristmas KthulhuMsAnthropyMoridin889GMaster7shryke
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    Yes. You will need a separation agreement and things like that.

    It will state who gets what and what alimony (I hope not!), child support, and stuff.

    You need a lawyer.

    SleepkimeBloodySlothelectricitylikesmeBolthornchrishallett83Moridin889
  • GarickGarick Registered User regular
    So It Goes wrote: »
    Garick wrote: »
    So after reading all that, there is a point I'd like to add.

    This isn't your fault.

    I think your wife probably isn't lying when she says she loves you/her kid, but it's not the kind of love you think... it's the selfish kind, like someone might love money, but they don't actually care about the money's feelings.

    Her priority is her happiness no matter what, and nothing anyone can do can change that. Do you think your kid could have done anything to make her love him enough not to do this horrible stuff? Of course not, and neither could you.

    That's why you need to get all this stuff documented immediately and lawyer up. Even if she doesn't hate you, she will try to take everything away from you, house, money, kid, and only because it's good for her, damn everyone else.

    Do you want your son raised by someone who doesn't actually care about him? For his sake, don't let this happen. Be there to protect him.

    I think this is a bit over the top. I don't know how you read into this situation "she will try to take everything away from you" at all.



    OP, the utility of a lawyer consult at this point would be for them to explain to you how legal separation/divorce/custody proceedings work so you are prepared should you need to take that step.

    And if she insists on separating, you absolutely should speak to an attorney.

    Over the top? I guess it's pretty strongly worded, but from what I read, this is a person who despite having a loving husband and kid, decided cheating, lying about it, then openly suggesting they split up was ok. That is the actions of a supremely selfish person, and such incredibly selfish people aren't going to just let all that stuff go if they don't have to.

    Is it possible she is only selfish in this one particular area? Sure, he could win the lottery too, but this is about doing the smart thing and lawyering up to protect himself and his kid, since her actions have shown she doesn't care about anyone but herself.

    Maijinamuro
  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    So many people have already given great advice in this thread, but I will only add this:

    When someone tells you they want out of a relationship, believe them. Yes, it's always possible there's a way back together eventually, but that path back can only starts with respecting her boundaries and believing the things she tells you about herself. That includes taking the tracking off her phone.

    SleepCptKemzikJansonLoveIsUnityNightslyrBloodySlothMysstSmrtnikelectricitylikesmeDrezMsAnthropyMrVyngaardMoridin889LoisLane
  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited September 2018
    Cambiata wrote: »
    So many people have already given great advice in this thread, but I will only add this:

    When someone tells you they want out of a relationship, believe them. Yes, it's always possible there's a way back together eventually, but that path back can only starts with respecting her boundaries and believing the things she tells you about herself. That includes taking the tracking off her phone.

    I agree on that one 100%, and I'm really trying.

    Like I said, I know the phone thing wasn't right. And I honestly don't know if my intentions were what I thought they were when I did it or not. And I'm not trying to convince her to stay or put rules or limitations on things, no matter what I may want.

    When she came home today, I asked her how her day was and apologized for my family's behavior. I told her, truthfully, that I hadn't spoken to the family about anything and that I had not stirred anything up. I also asked if I was doing anything to make her feel like she couldn't or shouldn't be here. It's her home, too. She said I wasn't, and that she knows I wouldn't do anything to hurt her. Which is true, but has also messed me up even more.

    Honestly, I don't really know what the hell I'm doing.

    Raynaga on
  • PriscaPrisca Registered User regular
    edited September 2018
    I'm so sorry to hear of your woes, OP. It seems that your wife is struggling with her own nightmares. Just give her some space and time and keep on communicating.
    You sound like a decent fellow. There's still much to live for, especially for your son who might need you and his mother now more than ever. Turn in that firearm ASAP. Keep on talking to your wife, and give her space and time if necessary.

    Prisca on
    Cambiata
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Raynaga wrote: »
    That was poorly phrased on my part. She was saying she loved me being a father for our son, not as a father to her.

    Okay that's a lot better.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
    Hahnsoo1
  • KarlKarl Registered User regular
    @Raynaga

    I know you're wondering what everything you worked for is actually for at this point. And the answer is simple. Your son. He's going to need stability and reassurance through this. That is not to say your wife can't offer this but you being his rock (hopefully 1 of 2) can only help.

    YOU'RE ALL BABIES.
    SO MUCH POTENTIAL TO WASTE.
    Koshian wrote: »
    JOKE'S ON YOU
    MY POTENTIAL IS ALREADY WASTED
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  • TheColonelTheColonel ChicagolandRegistered User regular
    What I can offer as the divorced guy about your age: Try to embrace what consistency you do you have in your life. While it may seem like everything in your life is disintegrating, take the time to embrace the few things you do have control over. It's good you have plenty of time off, and you'll need it to handle various things, but for me at least work was one of the few things I felt like I had control over still. She was taking plenty of things away from me, I wasn't about to let her take away my career. It helped having a routine. Weekends were almost worse early on as I had nothing but time to myself to worry and overthink. On top of that as many have said here you still have your son and that is worth it all.

    Keep your head up. It took me awhile to figure it out, but yes you do have the strength to get through this.

  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited September 2018
    Yeah, I went to work today. Made it about three hours and had to call it. Too many folks asking if I was OK. I guess I shouldn't play poker.

    But doing something those few hours felt good. I put myself out until Friday, which would give me about a week and still bank the majority of my time off for whatever I need to do. Theoretically I could take off almost 6 months, paid. Doesn't seem healthy though.

    Still not clear on the lawyer or what steps I should be taking. And still don't know the direction I should go or why this is happening. But I woke up this morning not completely wanting the world to end, and trying to figure out how to keep our house so my son will have a foundational headquarters vs. shuttling between terrible apartments.

    So, progress I guess?

    Raynaga on
  • mRahmanimRahmani DetroitRegistered User regular
  • Reverend_ChaosReverend_Chaos Suit Up! Registered User regular
    Divorced Dad chiming in here.

    This sounds rough, but if you truly love your wife, you would want her to be happy, even if that means letting her go. That is hard, I know, but it sounds like she is already gone, and you were merely a placeholder this whole time. The love is one sided here, and while it hurts you will be better off once you realize that fact. (I apologize if this sounds harsh, I do not mean it to, I fully empathize with you.)

    Get a lawyer, who will look out for your best interests. Everything that you do from here on out should be in the best interests of your child. You might be thinking that you can give her everything, and that will somehow be the right thing. It's not. Take your feelings out of the equation, or simply listen to your lawyer who should be doing this for you. Be fair. Be equitable, but don't give everything away.

    You should probably seek counseling to help you through this. You might not think you need it, but you do need someone to talk to through all of this, and not your lawyer.

    I truly wish you all the best.

    “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
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  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    edited September 2018
    Good lord how awful.

    Definitely get a lawyer - it's terrible to say but your wife is lying to you, possibly cheating on you, and is willing to upend your son's life so she can do whatever she's doing in another man's house. If you have a joint cellular service, don't take the tracking off her phone. You were clearly right, your instinct was to suspect her of lying and in fact she was. There's no reason to blind yourself - if she doesn't want to have location services available, she can turn off her phone while she's deceiving you. Instead, screenshot the location and provide those details to your lawyer.

    Which means you first need to get a lawyer. She is sadly no longer aligned with the interests of you or her own child - you will need someone clear-headed and professional to defend those interests against her. Amicable separation and divorce, with an equitable split that defends the interests of your child and secures the best compensation for him and yourself, is most likely to happen with a representative acting on your behalf.

    She's taking advantage of you right now - there's sadly no longer any reason to believe she'll stop later.

    spool32 on
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  • jungleroomxjungleroomx And I said, hol up Registered User regular
    None of this is your fault, man. If your first indication that there is a problem in the relationship is divorce papers then there is zero fault here at your feet. I'm serious. I'm dead sorry about this, because I know almost exactly how you feel.

    Lawyer up. This sounds cold, but I got burned to hell on my divorce in trusting my ex wouldn't screw me over. I've spent over 2 years and 10 thousand dollars cleaning up little landmines she left after she checked out of the relationship, and I had zero legal recourse because I signed the papers without legal counsel and because my name was on the bills.

    This may also sound a bit cold, but if she's willing to throw everything away that quickly then I don't know if going back to her is healthy if she changes her mind suddenly.

    Try to work on an amicable post-divorce relationship for the well-being of your child, but considering how much you can be liable for that is not your fault I also suggest going into this with how to best proceed for your own mental health and for what's best for the child, not what you think might help the relationship later or if it'll make her mad. I did the latter, do not do it.

    Again, man, I'm very sorry about this, and I know you don't want to deal with the bullshit that comes along with it. Take some time off work, as someone else said, because it's okay not to be okay. But also realize that you've got to protect yourself and your child. Lawyer up.

    Make. Time.
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  • MugsleyMugsley Registered User regular
    ...I had finally, after years of work, gotten the nod for a true store manager position about a week before all of this happened. I would have gone from being home @ 5 maybe twice a week to six times a week. This would have also taken my salary from 5 figures to 6, and leading a team of 50 or so to a team of 150+. I don't know what on Earth to tell the market staff...

    I wanted to pull this out and focus on it.

    Don't sell yourself short. You put the work in that you were considered eligible and desirable to promote to a full store manager position. While your personal motives may end up changing, the work you put in to get to that position was still legitimate. You deserve the promotion. People felt you were valuable enough to the store's/company's success to keep around and to ultimately guide the future of that store.

    Please don't misconstrue this as adding more pressure. On the contrary, it's proof that you've been working hard and moving yourself and your career forward.

    If your work has counseling available, I highly recommend you contact them and use them as a resource. At the least, they can help you keep from missing an opportunity for a reward from the work you've already put in.

    spool32GonmunXaquinAridholKetarjungleroomxElvenshaedispatch.oLaOsYes, and...Hahnsoo1CambiataShadowfireSo It GoesLostNinjaMrGrimoireRichySleepNightslyrMysstJaysonFourZilla360BobbleBolthornKristmas KthulhuMsAnthropychrishallett83Moridin889LoisLaneshryke
  • jungleroomxjungleroomx And I said, hol up Registered User regular
    There's a ton of us out here in PA. If you ever need someone to talk to or just unload on then I volunteer myself as a sounding board.

    I'm p sure a lot of people here wouldn't mind it either, but I don't want to speak for them.

    We won't replace a real counselor, I still think seeing someone professionally and talking it out helps a lot more, but sometimes it's just nice to get it out to someone who has an idea of where you're coming from.

    You're not alone, man.

    Make. Time.
    XaquinAridholSleep
  • Bliss 101Bliss 101 Registered User regular
    I agree with all the advice regarding counseling and getting a lawyer. One thing I'd like to add is that what your wife is doing is exactly the kind of thing bipolar people do when their medication is not working. They upend their lives in a flurry of bad decisions that they often bitterly regret later. Depression usually follows next. So if you can help her consider this possibility so that she can possibly seek help for herself, that would be good. It can be difficult, however, because she may feel that you're disrespecting her judgement and using her mood disorder to invalidate her choices. But she needs to stay stable and sane for your kid, even (and especially) if you end up separating.

    (I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but I've had a bipolar mother all my life.)

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    Siska
  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    spool32 wrote: »
    If you have a joint cellular service, don't take the tracking off her phone.

    I guess I just want to explain why I say to take the tracking off and that I think Spool's advice not to take the tracking off is just as valid, but it depends entirely on what you're going for as a final result. If your goal is to at some point reconcile, then doing trust breaching things like tracking her is a negative towards that goal - though her not coming clean with you about restarting a relationship with that guy is also a huge negative towards that goal, and if she tries to come back without coming clean I hope you don't accept that, because you deserve better.

    If your goal is to separate from her with as little damage to yourself as possible, then you keep the tracker on for evidence sake. Honestly, taking this as a permanent breach from her is highly recommended, as I don't think there's anything salvageable from what she's done thus far: but you are an adult and this is your relationship, and it's not up to any internet commentor to tell you what choice to make about your relationship. You are the boss of you.

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  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    Cambiata wrote: »
    spool32 wrote: »
    If you have a joint cellular service, don't take the tracking off her phone.

    I guess I just want to explain why I say to take the tracking off and that I think Spool's advice not to take the tracking off is just as valid, but it depends entirely on what you're going for as a final result. If your goal is to at some point reconcile, then doing trust breaching things like tracking her is a negative towards that goal - though her not coming clean with you about restarting a relationship with that guy is also a huge negative towards that goal, and if she tries to come back without coming clean I hope you don't accept that, because you deserve better.

    If your goal is to separate from her with as little damage to yourself as possible, then you keep the tracker on for evidence sake. Honestly, taking this as a permanent breach from her is highly recommended, as I don't think there's anything salvageable from what she's done thus far: but you are an adult and this is your relationship, and it's not up to any internet commentor to tell you what choice to make about your relationship. You are the boss of you.

    Agree entirely. Good luck and please reach out to folks if you need an ear, you're not alone.

    Xaquindispatch.oCambiata
  • MulysaSemproniusMulysaSempronius but also susie nyRegistered User regular
    And try not to think of a lawyer as adversarial. Think of having one to figure out the rules. There are so many, even if you keep it amicable.

    If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing
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  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    And try not to think of a lawyer as adversarial. Think of having one to figure out the rules. There are so many, even if you keep it amicable.

    yeah, my lawyer was used solely for drafting a separation agreement and walking all the paperwork (reams and reams of paperwork) through court.

  • ObiFettObiFett Use the Force As You WishRegistered User regular
    edited September 2018
    All the advice in this thread is great. Take seriously the advice about lawyering up. Reading the OP brought back all the feelings I went through almost 12 years ago. This is a horrible thing and I am sorry you are going through it. I am so so sorry.

    I went through a very similar situation. Married to my ex-wife for 6 years. She was diagnosed/medicated bi-polar. She had previously been on hold in high school to a guy that suddenly became available. She went from wanting to have kids with me and everything was fine to having a sudden shift of coldness in her feelings towards me and our life. She had apparently never been in love with me and it was no longer working. Shortly before and during the divorce I found out she had been back in contact with this guy for a bit. I was convinced she was cheating on me, she denied it. She married him shortly after. Then got divorced shortly after and tried to get back together with me, saying she had made a mistake, he didnt really love her and we had something good, etc. Luckily I had already found someone that loved me as much as I loved them and I am happier than I ever could have been with her. I just didn't know what I didn't have with the ex-wife.

    I did very similar things you are doing. Checking phone history and stuff to sleuth out exactly what was happening. I'm not that kind of person normally, but when someone does a 180 from the past 6 years, literally overnight, I would like to think that most people would try to find answers or else lose their mind. I discovered the calls and stuff to this guy and asked her if this was why things had changed and she denied it. I took her word until I heard from other people that they had seen her at the movies/bars with this guy months before we even split up.

    All this to say, I don't think there is much you can do here. She's going to make her choices. But also, dont blame yourself for wanting to make sense of this. You should want to make sense of this. I think you already have made sense of it, but there is also something to wanting to get some admittance from her about it. The only thing you can really do anything about at this point is yourself and your relationship with your son. Lean on your relationship with your family/friends. They will be there for you through this.

    Hopefully your wife comes around on her poor choice sooner rather than later. A large part of me thinks she's gonna have to truly discover that this guy isn't the amazing dream she's probably built him up to be in her head. And sadly oftentimes the only way for some people to truly discover that is to be in a full relationship with their "one that got away". Have you asked her point blank if this guy's sudden availability has anything to do with her sudden shift in feelings towards you? Its possible that getting these actions into the light will make them less exciting to her and make her have to fully decide in the light if the choices she are making are the best for her. On the flip side, it could also push her sooner into making a final decision which might cause her to choose him since she hasnt had the illusion broken yet.

    But you really need to ask yourself if this actually is something worth fighting for. I would have taken my ex back in a heartbeat even after the divorce. I still loved her. Looking back, I am glad my current wife and I found each other as soon as we did. We were a month away from getting married when the ex came back asking to rekindle our relationship and fix our family. If I hadn't already discovered what it was truly like to have someone love me back, I might have gone back. I am so glad I never had that chance. But the relationship with my then fiance had opened my eyes to what a real relationship was like. Someone who loved me and it was clear she wouldn't do what my ex had done (discarding me for some flight of fancy).

    ObiFett on
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  • TerrendosTerrendos Decorative Monocle Registered User regular
    Just chiming in here to say that I'm sorry you have to go through all this, but also to look up condonation of adultery in your state (I expect your lawyer would explain this if it's relevant). In my state, if your wife commits adultery and you know, and you have sex with her at a later date, you have "forgiven" that adultery. Because you now have "proof" of potential infidelity due to GPS tracking, it could be used against you to prove condonance. This can come up in divorce proceedings when deciding fault for the purpose of alimony and spousal support.

    A former coworker of mine told me about a similar situation he had been in years back. His wife had an affair, and he figured it out by following her. She slept with him later, and when everything came out in the acrimonious divorce, he ended up paying her a lot of money he wouldn't have otherwise. I'm not saying I think it will happen to you, but your financial situation, your knowing without her knowing and still being in love with her, all taken together means it's a possibility.

    And please take care of yourself. You have a son who needs his father.

  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    To the earlier question, yes I have asked. Not about the physical location bits, but about the phone calls and meet up. The response I got was that those weren't why, those just helped her see why essentially.

    To the adultery bits, I have no way of knowing that happened or not. My immediate reaction is it hasn't, but I am the definition of an unreliable narrator at this point.

    I did speak to my family about all this for the first time today. It was somewhat comforting to hear other people be as confused or confounded by what was happening as I am. They are my family, though, so again we are looking at bias. I am trying very hard to ensure I don't take my personal feelings and use them to cut her off from the only family she really has. Its not easy.

    My family does have a lawyer friend, and I have asked through them if he could recommend someone to at least speak to. I don't want to, but every person on the planet is telling me I should which makes me believe I may be the odd one out, here.

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    Raynaga wrote: »
    To the earlier question, yes I have asked. Not about the physical location bits, but about the phone calls and meet up. The response I got was that those weren't why, those just helped her see why essentially.

    To the adultery bits, I have no way of knowing that happened or not. My immediate reaction is it hasn't, but I am the definition of an unreliable narrator at this point.

    I did speak to my family about all this for the first time today. It was somewhat comforting to hear other people be as confused or confounded by what was happening as I am. They are my family, though, so again we are looking at bias. I am trying very hard to ensure I don't take my personal feelings and use them to cut her off from the only family she really has. Its not easy.

    My family does have a lawyer friend, and I have asked through them if he could recommend someone to at least speak to. I don't want to, but every person on the planet is telling me I should which makes me believe I may be the odd one out, here.

    she already did

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  • Mongrel IdiotMongrel Idiot Registered User regular
    Passed through a divorce last year, and all of the advice here tracks with what I experienced. The one thing I would add is that you're going to get a lot of opinions from family, friends, coworkers, and people on the internet about what to do: where to draw your lines, what to hold fast on, what to give away, and so on. People around you will have strong feelings about the divorce, and with the best of intentions may try to get you to act on those feelings, instead of your own. Keep track of what's really important to you, and don't let yourself get talked into spending energy on things you don't care about.

    For me, my priorities were getting it over with quickly and without bad feelings, so I didn't insist on as much as I might have if I'd been prioritizing a perfectly even split. We had a truck, for instance, that some folks thought I should've fought with her about, but I was fine with the other car and denying her the truck would've dragged things out and made the whole thing more bitter. So I let that go.

    Your priorities might be very different than mine were, but make sure they're your priorities. Don't fight other people's battles by proxy.

    My sympathies; this part is really, really hard. Take care of yourself.

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  • ObiFettObiFett Use the Force As You WishRegistered User regular
    Raynaga wrote: »
    To the earlier question, yes I have asked. Not about the physical location bits, but about the phone calls and meet up. The response I got was that those weren't why, those just helped her see why essentially.

    To the adultery bits, I have no way of knowing that happened or not. My immediate reaction is it hasn't, but I am the definition of an unreliable narrator at this point.

    I did speak to my family about all this for the first time today. It was somewhat comforting to hear other people be as confused or confounded by what was happening as I am. They are my family, though, so again we are looking at bias. I am trying very hard to ensure I don't take my personal feelings and use them to cut her off from the only family she really has. Its not easy.

    My family does have a lawyer friend, and I have asked through them if he could recommend someone to at least speak to. I don't want to, but every person on the planet is telling me I should which makes me believe I may be the odd one out, here.

    You deserve better, then. I know its impossible to see or understand that now. The fact you actually love her literally prevents you from comprehending that and it should. But if she can throw away your family because of this guy's influence or whatever it was that helped her "see why", then you were clearly in a one sided relationship and neither you nor your son deserve that. You deserve someone that loves you and wouldn't even think of just throwing you away like this at a whim.

    I hope she comes to her senses because none of the above would apply. But if she goes through with it, then after you are done grieving you will eventually realize that you deserve a real relationship and you didn't have that nor was she capable of giving that to you.

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  • jungleroomxjungleroomx And I said, hol up Registered User regular
    Raynaga wrote: »
    To the earlier question, yes I have asked. Not about the physical location bits, but about the phone calls and meet up. The response I got was that those weren't why, those just helped her see why essentially.

    To the adultery bits, I have no way of knowing that happened or not. My immediate reaction is it hasn't, but I am the definition of an unreliable narrator at this point.

    I did speak to my family about all this for the first time today. It was somewhat comforting to hear other people be as confused or confounded by what was happening as I am. They are my family, though, so again we are looking at bias. I am trying very hard to ensure I don't take my personal feelings and use them to cut her off from the only family she really has. Its not easy.

    My family does have a lawyer friend, and I have asked through them if he could recommend someone to at least speak to. I don't want to, but every person on the planet is telling me I should which makes me believe I may be the odd one out, here.

    To this:

    I didn't want to because it felt like it would be exacerbating the issue. I was depressed and felt like I had failed completely (I had not, as I learned later), and didn't feel like I deserved to stick up for myself since she was the one to end things, and I didn't want to upset the apple cart as it were.

    These are normal feelings I think we've all had at this point, but this is coming to you from someone who is almost 2 years separated and a 1 year divorced: Those feelings may end up biting you in the ass later. She's looking out for her own best interests, whatever consequences that brings, so you need to do the same.

    I'm not a prophet so I can't tell you things may or may not change between you and her, all I can tell you is from my experience it's best to cut yourself off from her at this point. Start looking into what you're going to do next instead of wondering how to repair what's already broken.

    Know that you've kicked ass well enough to get in line for a really good promotion and you've got a kid you love, and then take it from there.

    Make. Time.
  • RaynagaRaynaga Registered User regular
    edited September 2018
    I was trying to figure out why I had a charge from some cookie delivery service on our bank account. Checked email accounts. Order confirmation for 30 dollars worth of assorted cookies, etc for delivery to guy's workplace in his name with a personalized message. "You'll be OK. Have a cookie...or two."

    Not going to lie, right now I am having to try REALLY HARD.


    Maybe the cut off crowd is right.

    Raynaga on
    spool32Rear Admiral Choco
  • ObiFettObiFett Use the Force As You WishRegistered User regular
    I'm so sorry. I'm over here fuming for you.

    There's literally no best way to handle this. It all hurts.

    The one positive from that note is that at least there wasn't anything overtly romantic in there.

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