I was filling out a survey today. My hand hovered over straight/heterosexual as I usually just breeze through the demographic section. But I hesitated today. Looked through the options. Went ahead and selected the honest answer of bisexual instead. Just a little rush of freeing adrenaline there.
So that happened. The tiniest of things, but still. Love you all.
I went in for routine STI testing last month and the doctor asked for my "preferred partner" - i.e. male or female. I just said "Uh, anything."
Funny how much easier it is to say that to a complete stranger than a family member.
Not so funny that I probably have some kind of record barring me from giving blood now? I don't know, how does that work? Is that still a thing?
I had an anxiety attack because I had to see her again and she took that as a sign I was not ready for HRT and not stable enough in my emotions
Cos nothing's going to help stability of emotions better than having needed medical treatment dangled in front of your face and then taken away at the last second?
Doesn't help that my T levels are pathologically low and the lack of sex hormones probably factors into my depression and anxiety (my T was measured multiple times now and the level's stable so it seems like a concrete possibility)
I honestly don't understand the medical mindset of deciding someone is not ready for something when they're perfectly capable of making that call themselves. It seems at best negligent, at worst malicious.
a friend of mine basically had the rug pulled right out from under them by a psych, who had already been really demanding of them socially transitioning before they'd approve of HRT stuff, then right before the psych had said they'd write the letter they did a 180 and said it'd take at least 6 more months
I am honestly fuckin furious about it
and I feel kinda guilty about how supportive my medical professionals have been about my stuff
I feel like that's grounds for some kind of lawsuit or at least a medical board review of their license
I have a podcast now. It's about video games and anime!Find it here.
I went in for routine STI testing last month and the doctor asked for my "preferred partner" - i.e. male or female. I just said "Uh, anything."
Funny how much easier it is to say that to a complete stranger than a family member. Not so funny that I probably have some kind of record barring me from giving blood now? I don't know, how does that work? Is that still a thing?
It shouldn't make a difference. Blood drives like at your school, work or a community centre aren't going to have direct access to your doctor/physician's files. It's been a while since I've donated blood, but even in Canada where we have health cards to track shit, I'm pretty sure it doesn't come up with anything like "total homosexual".
You're mostly just being honest to the people drawing your blood. They'll ask if you've slept with someone of the same sex, and if you say yes, they'll ask when the last time was. It's personal, invasive, and completely homophobic.
Basically me having regular intercourse with my husband of 12 years, is somehow more risky and prevents me from donating, than if I told them I met someone of the opposite gender, in a back alley, off a hook-up app who I'd known for all of 5 minutes, unprotected.
On an unrelated tangent, the downtown Toronto Chik-Fil-A opened up on Friday. Went downtown back to the boardgame shop on Saturday and there was at least a minimum hour long line-up to get food, probably going from the minute they opened until after dinner time.
I know we Torontonians like when we get new American stuff, but I don't think there was this much fervor around when we got a Chipotle's, Denny's, Carl's Jr, Five Guys, or Church's.
I know the interest will eventually die out, but I really wish someone had torn up their permit to open a location in Toronto at all.
I don't know what it's like at other locations but the Chik-Fil-A near me is always busy. They've done what they can to address the amount of traffic they get(they've got the drive-thru down to a science) but if they get any busier they're going to need to buy the lot next to them so they can expand their parking lot. As it is the line backs up into the street despite how quickly they can turn around an order(meanwhile the Freddy's near me can't turn around an order in under five minutes on even the simplest things).
It makes me wince every time I see how busy they are knowing where some of that money goes.
It’s such a freeing realisation to come to that as I am now an adult in my thirties, with suddenly a lot of weddings to attend in my near future, I never have to wear a dress to a wedding again.
No one can make me!
This epiphany may have taken this long due to the time when I was in my late teens my (divorced for years at this point) parents sat me down in basically an intervention because they were worried I wouldn’t “dress appropriately” for a friend’s brother’s wedding I had coming up.
My Dad in particular had some special things to say about how “rude” it is to wear pants to a wedding if you are a woman (or perceived as such I guess).
Being an adult and able to both make and enforce your own judgements on how to live your own life is the best.
Life has just been a steady euphoria for the past month, but especially the past couple weeks. I'm 16 days since switching from patches to injections, substantially boosting my dose, and wow. I had no idea it was possible to feel like this. I've felt at peace for most of the past year, now that I've been finally being real to myself and blocked the T, but I had no idea there was an entire other level just waiting to be unlocked.
And it's not just things feeling more right in my head from the chemicals, either. I've entered another phase of self-acceptance, too. Joining the various social media groups and following trans-themed pages has really brought me in to one of the most incredible and uplifting communities I've ever been a part of. Sure, there's rough spots like with any other group of people, but as a whole it's just a non-stop series of validation, encouragement, advice, overwhelming adorable-ness, and a nice dash of fucking revolution. The specific way it's helped me is that... well, before, thanks to decades of internalized transphobia from indoctrination, I was okay with being a woman, but I didn't really like that I had to be trans.
There's still plenty that sucks about being trans, obviously. But I'm proud to be trans (and bi, and female). Stir that with the right dosages and I'm up in the clouds. I know there's a lot of pain and hurdles ahead, but I don't care. I'm deliriously happy. Like, I don't really know how to handle it.
I bought my first journal (excluding some therapy-specific stuff that's quite different obviously), which has been fun. I'm annoyed at having to wait for things, so I scheduled some more stuff. I have a lot of upper-body acne scars from the testosterone poisoning, so I'm going to try out microneedling, see how that works. It's annoyingly expensive, but I believe it's permanent, so whatever.
I also shared the first picture of myself to a broader part of the world. It was a closed local group, so I'm not too worried about it getting out before I'm ready. And it wasn't really a great picture. But it felt like an important step to take. And over the next week I'm going to try to get my ass off the couch and attend a pair of local meetings.
The only real downside is that I've been so energized and excited that it's interrupting my ability to get to sleep at night, and I really need extra sleep right now. I'm sure that'll settle down, though, and if not, wine and/or melatonin are like right there.
You're all wonderful. Thanks for letting me emotion-vomit. I keep getting them all over the place, it's pretty out of control.
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
+36
Options
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Today was kind of a milestone. I went and did some work for a guy who I'd been connected to via my neighbour. She'd introduced me to him as a guy and I was kind of stressing about how it would go when I actually met him. But it was cool, he was cool, all the clients we saw, all old people, were cool and referred to us as "you chaps" and "the two boys". Of course I have no idea what they were actually thinking but if they suspected or knew anything I definitely couldn't tell. Felt pretty nice.
+51
Options
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
Oh and in other news I went to get my first shot yesterday and couldn't because the doc hadn't released the prescription, because of course they hadn't, because every step of a process I try to do with the NHS hits some problem. I was 90% expecting something to go wrong though so at least I wasn't surprised.
On the good side the nurse I saw got it sorted for Monday and said "I'm going to make sure you always see me from now on so we know things will happen when they should." Which is cool, because one of my biggest issues with the NHS is every single time I need anything done I have to speak to someone different and there's no consistency.
+36
Options
Donovan PuppyfuckerA dagger in the dark isworth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered Userregular
Today was kind of a milestone. I went and did some work for a guy who I'd been connected to via my neighbour. She'd introduced me to him as a guy and I was kind of stressing about how it would go when I actually met him. But it was cool, he was cool, all the clients we saw, all old people, were cool and referred to us as "you chaps" and "the two boys". Of course I have no idea what they were actually thinking but if they suspected or knew anything I definitely couldn't tell. Felt pretty nice.
Oh and in other news I went to get my first shot yesterday and couldn't because the doc hadn't released the prescription, because of course they hadn't, because every step of a process I try to do with the NHS hits some problem. I was 90% expecting something to go wrong though so at least I wasn't surprised.
On the good side the nurse I saw got it sorted for Monday and said "I'm going to make sure you always see me from now on so we know things will happen when they should." Which is cool, because one of my biggest issues with the NHS is every single time I need anything done I have to speak to someone different and there's no consistency.
Hi I'm Vee!Formerly VH; She/Her; Is an E X P E R I E N C ERegistered Userregular
The date was lovely.
We played my favorite board game and I beat him every time. Then we got a game from the shelf and I beat him three times at that too. He just laughed and kept asking to play again.
Then we walked around the area for a bit and talked about what we do for work and in our free time.
Then he kissed me next to my car.
While we were kissing, a guy walking by called us a couple of faggots.
We played my favorite board game and I beat him every time. Then we got a game from the shelf and I beat him three times at that too. He just laughed and kept asking to play again.
Then we walked around the area for a bit and talked about what we do for work and in our free time.
Then he kissed me next to my car.
While we were kissing, a guy walking by called us a couple of faggots.
We played my favorite board game and I beat him every time. Then we got a game from the shelf and I beat him three times at that too. He just laughed and kept asking to play again.
Then we walked around the area for a bit and talked about what we do for work and in our free time.
Then he kissed me next to my car.
While we were kissing, a guy walking by called us a couple of faggots.
Still hanging out waiting for a letter from the endo clinic, since that's what the text message they sent me would be coming. No idea why it's a letter rather than an email or a phone call, but I am honestly feeling kinda anxious about it and keep checking the mailbox and hoping my address isn't somehow messed up in a system somewhere.
Still hanging out waiting for a letter from the endo clinic, since that's what the text message they sent me would be coming. No idea why it's a letter rather than an email or a phone call, but I am honestly feeling kinda anxious about it and keep checking the mailbox and hoping my address isn't somehow messed up in a system somewhere.
A letter is a bit disappointingly retro of them. Hope it comes soon though!
Realizing you're a trans girl and then trying to plunge right in to feminizing makeup is like not having ever played video games, and someone hands you a controller and goes, "okay, now defeat Pontiff Sulyvahn" (Dark Souls boss), and it's all you can do to stop running into the church benches in the arena before losing in like 4 seconds.
(I know the answer is to start very small, but in the early process of trying to improve, I got really frustrated and had that very on-brand thought and wanted to share to help calm back down. It has worked.)
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
Ugh I get to go without Spiro for like a week because I've been putting off getting blood work done (scared I'll faint like last time) and my doctor is all "you gotta get this stuff done before we continue." Which is reasonable to be fair
Well, there was the first big cry post upping the dose. It was a doozy.
When I was very young, I had a toy doll of a baby. I loved it, but my dad hated it (my mom got it for me). He would always be upset when I would play with it.
Even at that age, I picked up on it. Something was wrong with the doll - or with me for liking it. I tried to change his opinion (apparently I would offer it and ask him to kiss the baby, which did not work; that part I don't really remember).
I gave up and gave in. I put the doll away for the last time. That was the first time I locked away a part of myself, the first time the girl went into the cage. I couldn't have been older than 4. Sometimes I would come across it and want to take it out again, but I never did. I would do more of this thing until my teen years, where testosterone puberty would bury the remnants.
It was as an adolescent that I decided I didn't ever want kids. I hated kids. Children made me uncomfortable for some reason. This stayed true through adulthood. I didn't remember the doll.
The other week, my mom gave it to me. She was cleaning out old boxes. I had a surge of emotions that I couldn't sort right then, but I knew it was something special. Memories started rushing back, and something else with them.
Today, I got hit with it hard - the want to be a mother that I had started burying so long ago. It's not that I didn't want to be a parent. I just found the thought of being a father to be anathema. I just couldn't tell the difference then. And the increased confidence in myself I mentioned in an earlier post has left me feeling like I could actually handle it, something that once seemed impossible.
But it's too late. I wouldn't want to start until I'm farther along in my transition for a host of very good reasons. But by then, age would be a factor, and not a minor one. Probably not a surmountable one.
I didn't just lose my youth. I had a potential family taken away, too.
That seems like a pretty worthwhile thing to have had a massive cry over.
I've cried big before, but that felt quite different somehow. It's hard to explain, and I'm not sure I fully understand it. It felt like I could have kept crying for an hour. I kept laughing at myself out loud, too. I was aware this was a thing as it was happening, and the experience was strangely novel, so I laughed. Then right back to ugly sobs. It felt terrible and wonderful.
I'm so glad I bought a journal. Soooo much stuff to fill it with every night right now.
I think some day I'll volunteer with a QUILTBAG youth outreach / support group, when I've got the experience and maturity to be useful. I never dreamed of doing such a thing before. New dreams!
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
I intended to go to the dmv today to get a new license, but realized I needed to change my social security card first, which requires a doctor's note, so I sent an email asking for a doctor's note. I think it is completely unacceptable to require a doctor's note proving that the 'appropriate clinical treatment' has been provided for gender transition. No clinical treatment is required for someone to be a particular gender or to change what gender they are. But the state says it's mandatory so that's what I will do.
Also, annoyingly, although I was thinking I wanted to put an X on my driver's license for gender, I realized I should not have any discrepancies in my documentation, so I should just put M on everything.
Steam, LoL: credeiki
+12
Options
Erin The RedThe Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMABaton Rouge, LARegistered Userregular
GRS recovery stuff
Finally getting to a point where I feel ok feeling around down/in there and I'm learning stuff! What feels good, what is meh, that kinda thing.
I also realized I was coming at the whole dilating thing from the wrong angle. Literally. Using my newfound knowledge I got to the "hey it's all the way in" point in like 10 minutes as opposed to the 45 it's been taking recently. I know stress hasn't helped that (there's been a LOT going on as of late) but yeah. Doing things the right way certainly do help
So I've fiddled around with eyeshadow a couple times after finding some pretty decent tutorial things online, then got a whoooole stack of good tips from a friend the other day so I did some shopping for a few more things tonight.... and this happened
KwoaruConfident SmirkFlawless Golden PecsRegistered Userregular
From my very small sample size of the queer students reception on campus there were several trans students who said they used gendered or neutral pronouns
It wasn't the majority but it also wasn't just like one person
yes to all your questions but also "normal" is a fake concept and someone's worth isn't predicated on what is or isn't
+31
Options
GrogMy sword is only steelin a useful shape.Registered Userregular
Valid, while a little trite at this point, is more appropriate.
0
Options
Erin The RedThe Name's Erin! Woman, Podcaster, Dungeon Master, IT nerd, Parent, Trans. AMABaton Rouge, LARegistered Userregular
I think of this all as like... A buffet?
You can have some stuff from the trans dish and that doesn't stop you from getting this or this or that to go with it. It's whatever plate you feel most comfortable with.
I have a few friends who identify as a woman and were assigned that at birth, but feel more happy with they/them than she/her. And there's some trans folks I know going through hrt who still like their assigned birth pronouns, or whatever. It's all a big "do you, booboo."
A bit of semantics perhaps, but NB identities are also trans identities. Being trans means your gender isn't what it was assigned at birth. It doesn't have to be the binary opposite one.
And yeah, your pronouns are yours. Choose the ones you want! Change them any time! Or don't!
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
Posts
So that happened. The tiniest of things, but still. Love you all.
Steam: TheArcadeBear
Funny how much easier it is to say that to a complete stranger than a family member.
Not so funny that I probably have some kind of record barring me from giving blood now? I don't know, how does that work? Is that still a thing?
I feel like that's grounds for some kind of lawsuit or at least a medical board review of their license
It shouldn't make a difference. Blood drives like at your school, work or a community centre aren't going to have direct access to your doctor/physician's files. It's been a while since I've donated blood, but even in Canada where we have health cards to track shit, I'm pretty sure it doesn't come up with anything like "total homosexual".
You're mostly just being honest to the people drawing your blood. They'll ask if you've slept with someone of the same sex, and if you say yes, they'll ask when the last time was. It's personal, invasive, and completely homophobic.
Basically me having regular intercourse with my husband of 12 years, is somehow more risky and prevents me from donating, than if I told them I met someone of the opposite gender, in a back alley, off a hook-up app who I'd known for all of 5 minutes, unprotected.
"Oh, we'll still screen your blood."
Steam: TheArcadeBear
I know we Torontonians like when we get new American stuff, but I don't think there was this much fervor around when we got a Chipotle's, Denny's, Carl's Jr, Five Guys, or Church's.
I know the interest will eventually die out, but I really wish someone had torn up their permit to open a location in Toronto at all.
Steam: TheArcadeBear
It makes me wince every time I see how busy they are knowing where some of that money goes.
Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
No one can make me!
This epiphany may have taken this long due to the time when I was in my late teens my (divorced for years at this point) parents sat me down in basically an intervention because they were worried I wouldn’t “dress appropriately” for a friend’s brother’s wedding I had coming up.
My Dad in particular had some special things to say about how “rude” it is to wear pants to a wedding if you are a woman (or perceived as such I guess).
Being an adult and able to both make and enforce your own judgements on how to live your own life is the best.
I had though I had the pieces to become whole when I came out as a woman but there were still pieces locked away wanting to be found.
I will leave some of the raunchy details out but I met someone wonderful on Twitter who pulled things out of me I did not know I even had. . .
Last night was like another revelation of self.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
And it's not just things feeling more right in my head from the chemicals, either. I've entered another phase of self-acceptance, too. Joining the various social media groups and following trans-themed pages has really brought me in to one of the most incredible and uplifting communities I've ever been a part of. Sure, there's rough spots like with any other group of people, but as a whole it's just a non-stop series of validation, encouragement, advice, overwhelming adorable-ness, and a nice dash of fucking revolution. The specific way it's helped me is that... well, before, thanks to decades of internalized transphobia from indoctrination, I was okay with being a woman, but I didn't really like that I had to be trans.
There's still plenty that sucks about being trans, obviously. But I'm proud to be trans (and bi, and female). Stir that with the right dosages and I'm up in the clouds. I know there's a lot of pain and hurdles ahead, but I don't care. I'm deliriously happy. Like, I don't really know how to handle it.
I bought my first journal (excluding some therapy-specific stuff that's quite different obviously), which has been fun. I'm annoyed at having to wait for things, so I scheduled some more stuff. I have a lot of upper-body acne scars from the testosterone poisoning, so I'm going to try out microneedling, see how that works. It's annoyingly expensive, but I believe it's permanent, so whatever.
I also shared the first picture of myself to a broader part of the world. It was a closed local group, so I'm not too worried about it getting out before I'm ready. And it wasn't really a great picture. But it felt like an important step to take. And over the next week I'm going to try to get my ass off the couch and attend a pair of local meetings.
The only real downside is that I've been so energized and excited that it's interrupting my ability to get to sleep at night, and I really need extra sleep right now. I'm sure that'll settle down, though, and if not, wine and/or melatonin are like right there.
You're all wonderful. Thanks for letting me emotion-vomit. I keep getting them all over the place, it's pretty out of control.
On the good side the nurse I saw got it sorted for Monday and said "I'm going to make sure you always see me from now on so we know things will happen when they should." Which is cool, because one of my biggest issues with the NHS is every single time I need anything done I have to speak to someone different and there's no consistency.
Fuck yeah, bro.
We played my favorite board game and I beat him every time. Then we got a game from the shelf and I beat him three times at that too. He just laughed and kept asking to play again.
Then we walked around the area for a bit and talked about what we do for work and in our free time.
Then he kissed me next to my car.
While we were kissing, a guy walking by called us a couple of faggots.
So you know
Mostly a good night.
It was mostly an awesome night!
It rounds up to an awesome.
A letter is a bit disappointingly retro of them. Hope it comes soon though!
Steam
(I know the answer is to start very small, but in the early process of trying to improve, I got really frustrated and had that very on-brand thought and wanted to share to help calm back down. It has worked.)
When I was very young, I had a toy doll of a baby. I loved it, but my dad hated it (my mom got it for me). He would always be upset when I would play with it.
Even at that age, I picked up on it. Something was wrong with the doll - or with me for liking it. I tried to change his opinion (apparently I would offer it and ask him to kiss the baby, which did not work; that part I don't really remember).
I gave up and gave in. I put the doll away for the last time. That was the first time I locked away a part of myself, the first time the girl went into the cage. I couldn't have been older than 4. Sometimes I would come across it and want to take it out again, but I never did. I would do more of this thing until my teen years, where testosterone puberty would bury the remnants.
It was as an adolescent that I decided I didn't ever want kids. I hated kids. Children made me uncomfortable for some reason. This stayed true through adulthood. I didn't remember the doll.
The other week, my mom gave it to me. She was cleaning out old boxes. I had a surge of emotions that I couldn't sort right then, but I knew it was something special. Memories started rushing back, and something else with them.
Today, I got hit with it hard - the want to be a mother that I had started burying so long ago. It's not that I didn't want to be a parent. I just found the thought of being a father to be anathema. I just couldn't tell the difference then. And the increased confidence in myself I mentioned in an earlier post has left me feeling like I could actually handle it, something that once seemed impossible.
But it's too late. I wouldn't want to start until I'm farther along in my transition for a host of very good reasons. But by then, age would be a factor, and not a minor one. Probably not a surmountable one.
I didn't just lose my youth. I had a potential family taken away, too.
That seems like a pretty worthwhile thing to have had a massive cry over.
I've cried big before, but that felt quite different somehow. It's hard to explain, and I'm not sure I fully understand it. It felt like I could have kept crying for an hour. I kept laughing at myself out loud, too. I was aware this was a thing as it was happening, and the experience was strangely novel, so I laughed. Then right back to ugly sobs. It felt terrible and wonderful.
I'm so glad I bought a journal. Soooo much stuff to fill it with every night right now.
I think some day I'll volunteer with a QUILTBAG youth outreach / support group, when I've got the experience and maturity to be useful. I never dreamed of doing such a thing before. New dreams!
Also, annoyingly, although I was thinking I wanted to put an X on my driver's license for gender, I realized I should not have any discrepancies in my documentation, so I should just put M on everything.
I also realized I was coming at the whole dilating thing from the wrong angle. Literally. Using my newfound knowledge I got to the "hey it's all the way in" point in like 10 minutes as opposed to the 45 it's been taking recently. I know stress hasn't helped that (there's been a LOT going on as of late) but yeah. Doing things the right way certainly do help
Whee.
How are y'all
Happy Bi+ Week everyone!
Friday there's a QUILTBAG forum for the Democratic candidates put on by GLAAD. And Angelica Ross, a trans actress, is moderating!
I can't stop using exclamation points!
Love you all.
That's all.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
My beard is almost gone, my catlumps are becoming more feline, I've met a bunch of other queers and I have a hot goth gf now.
I guess my question is, when do I realise this has all been a dream?
Trans/NB. Is that a common crossover type thing? Specifically, someone identifying as trans and preferring gender-neutral pronouns and the like?
That's a common occurrence, right?
Further, if said person is AMAB, but identifies as transwoman, but also prefers gender-neutral pronouns, that's still perfectly valid?
It wasn't the majority but it also wasn't just like one person
You can have some stuff from the trans dish and that doesn't stop you from getting this or this or that to go with it. It's whatever plate you feel most comfortable with.
I have a few friends who identify as a woman and were assigned that at birth, but feel more happy with they/them than she/her. And there's some trans folks I know going through hrt who still like their assigned birth pronouns, or whatever. It's all a big "do you, booboo."
But yeah it's not unheard of by any means
And yeah, your pronouns are yours. Choose the ones you want! Change them any time! Or don't!