first vampire orders a glass of blood, starts drinking it down, enjoys himself
second vampire orders a pint of blood and gets to chugging it, making a big old mess
third vampire orders a cup of hot water, then takes out a used tampon and starts dipping it into the hot water
the first vampire looks at him and goes "what the hell are you doing?"
"making tea"
A guy goes to a bar and proceeds to get so drunk he vomits all over his own shirt.
He turns to the bartender and says "Ohhh....I am in so much...so much trouble. If my wife fffinds out I gots so drunk I puked on me....she'll...she'll kill me!"
Bartender says, "Take it easy, man. Here's what you do. You take a $10 bill and put it in your front shirt pocket. Then when you get home if your wife sees you tell her that some other drunk puked on you and then gave you the money to have it cleaned."
The drunk decides to go home and give it a try. He gets home and his wife sees him and demands to know what happened.
The drunk says "Some drunk asshole puked on my shirt and gave me this; 10 dollars to get it cleaned up."
His wife reaches out and grabs the money. "But this is a twenty."
it's almost like i completely wasted my time reading it?
but at the same time it was amazing
I never want to read it again, but I really do want to read it
T. J. Nutty Nub on
0
Options
tastypastryCan somebody please remove these cutleriesfrom my knees?Registered Userregular
edited November 2009
when they were giving out brains, i thought they said pains so i said don't give me any!
when they were giving out noses, i thought they said roses so i said give me a big red one!
Two men, Pepe and Pedro, are lost in the desert. They clamber over rocks and dunes, out of water and supplies. Their throats are parched. They managed to climb over a particularly steep hill, when in the distance, they spot a tree! A tree means water, food, shelter, a tree means life. They are invigorated and there is a new jauntiness to their pace as they set off.
As they get closer, they see that isn't any sort of tree... it's a... BACON TREE?! Lush bacon hangs off its branches. Cured bacon, Canadian bacon, smoked bacon, any sort of bacon you can imagine. Even Costco microwavable bacon. Now Pepe, that motherfucker loves bacon so he breaks into a frenzied sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out and he collapsed to the sand bleeding and choking. As he dies, Pedro screams "PEPE?! PEPE, MY FRIEND, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" and Pepe's dying words are "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...
Posts
Uh-oh I accidentally deleted my signature. Uh-oh!!
Uh-oh I accidentally deleted my signature. Uh-oh!!
I knew that the red tent was a story about biblical women, but didn't know why it was called the red tent
Who's there?
Once I got an entire room full of glares for telling that one
Uh-oh I accidentally deleted my signature. Uh-oh!!
A guy goes to a bar and proceeds to get so drunk he vomits all over his own shirt.
He turns to the bartender and says "Ohhh....I am in so much...so much trouble. If my wife fffinds out I gots so drunk I puked on me....she'll...she'll kill me!"
Bartender says, "Take it easy, man. Here's what you do. You take a $10 bill and put it in your front shirt pocket. Then when you get home if your wife sees you tell her that some other drunk puked on you and then gave you the money to have it cleaned."
The drunk decides to go home and give it a try. He gets home and his wife sees him and demands to know what happened.
The drunk says "Some drunk asshole puked on my shirt and gave me this; 10 dollars to get it cleaned up."
His wife reaches out and grabs the money. "But this is a twenty."
"Oh I forgot...he also shit in my pants."
What do you call a man with a shovel in a hole
What do you call a man without a shovel and a hole?
What do you call a man with an Amp?
What do you call a man who can't stand?
See now I feel bad.
Who's there?
The interrupting cow...
The interrupting cow wh---MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
it's almost like i completely wasted my time reading it?
but at the same time it was amazing
I never want to read it again, but I really do want to read it
when they were giving out noses, i thought they said roses so i said give me a big red one!
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
This is glorious.
SteamID: Baroque And Roll
The other cow says "I know, luckily I'm a horse! Heeeeeeeeeeh Heeeeh heh (horse whinny)"
"Bartender...
...
... Can I have a pint?"
The bartender says
"Sure thing, but why the large pause?"
Hmm.. That doesn't really work being written down.
fin.
As they get closer, they see that isn't any sort of tree... it's a... BACON TREE?! Lush bacon hangs off its branches. Cured bacon, Canadian bacon, smoked bacon, any sort of bacon you can imagine. Even Costco microwavable bacon. Now Pepe, that motherfucker loves bacon so he breaks into a frenzied sprint. As he gets closer, machine gun fire rings out and he collapsed to the sand bleeding and choking. As he dies, Pedro screams "PEPE?! PEPE, MY FRIEND, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" and Pepe's dying words are "Run Pedro... it's not a bacon tree...
I laughed heartily. :^:
that joke is good times
A genie emerges and says he will grant them one wish each.
The guy wishes for water, the genie grants the wish
Second guy asks for food, again the genie grants the wish
the third guy asks for a car door. "why?" asks the genie.
"so when it gets hotter I can wind the window down".
Why oh why did I laugh at this?
I am so ashamed.
Bitches be all cookin da food
Dear satan I wish for this or maybe some of this....oh and I'm a medium or a large.
kpop appreciation station i also like to tweet some
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
[/OBLIGATORY]
Need some stuff designed or printed? I can help with that.
:^:
My dog has no nose
HOW DOES IT SMELL
awful!
One of them was assaulted
peanut