I dated a girl for a while in high school. Her dad (Scott) was a dairy farmer and kind of used out of date phrases and words, so it was always an interesting challenge to converse with him. We were at their house one day and I went to use the bathroom. I did my thing and came out the door, where he was walking by.
Scott: Did you wash your hands?
Me: ...yes.
Scott: Well, good. You better have clean hands if you're gonna be fingerin' my daughter.
Me: D:D:D:D:D:
I eventually realized what he meant when he said that, but not until I'd, deep in thought and holding back hysterical laughter, retreated back into the bathroom and started washing my hands again.
I still wonder to this day. Her mom (who was much more socially savvy) heard the story and insists that he likely didn't realize what he was saying. Doesn't matter in the end, seeing as how I was fingering his daughter...
I still wonder to this day. Her mom (who was much more socially savvy) heard the story and insists that he likely didn't realize what he was saying. Doesn't matter in the end, seeing as how I was fingering his daughter...
I was talking with my mom about my Greek science and technology course, and I mentioned that Aristotle didn't think that a void (an area without matter) could exist, but another Greek scientist later proved he was wrong. Mom: "Wait, voids can exist?" Me: "What did you think outer-space was?"
It appears that we all have our little areas where we're strangely ignorant. I've lived in my town for about 16 years now and I still don't know most of the street names.
My mom used to think that the sun orbited the earth. This was only a few years ago.
I almost cried myself to sleep that night.
My mom told me she'd never vote for Obama because his name sounds like Osama.
We don't talk about politics anymore.
People like that make me question the concept of democracy.
You're still only questioning it? If you have any faith left in the majority, you have not read enough youtube comments yet.
my Mom thought Paypal was a place where you could purchase a prostitute who would then show up at your house. I had several transactions (our accounts were linked for some odd reason that we never figured out) on a bank statement for varying amounts.
Thought of one I posted in the "weird shit parents say" thread.
Some back story first. When I was younger, I had some problem with my "aim" in the bathroom. After becoming fed up with my inability to hit the water, my parents instructed me to just sit at all times. So I did that for a few years until I got older, realized that standing to piss was a staple of modern masculinity, and started closing/locking the door. After years of standing again, I'd assumed they could hear the difference and had just accepted that I wasn't pissing on the floor anymore.
Flash forward to me being 17. My g/f and I were at my house getting ready to go out somewhere. I decided to run upstairs and use the bathroom real quick. I came back down stairs and we left. As soon as we got outside, my girlfriend started laughing hysterically. I asked her what was so funny. Apparently, when I went upstairs, my dad looked at her and said "You should go ahead have a seat. He's gonna be a minute because he sits down to pee."
Thought of one I posted in the "weird shit parents say" thread.
Some back story first. When I was younger, I had some problem with my "aim" in the bathroom. After becoming fed up with my inability to hit the water, my parents instructed me to just sit at all times. So I did that for a few years until I got older, realized that standing to piss was a staple of modern masculinity, and started closing/locking the door. After years of standing again, I'd assumed they could hear the difference and had just accepted that I wasn't pissing on the floor anymore.
Flash forward to me being 17. My g/f and I were at my house getting ready to go out somewhere. I decided to run upstairs and use the bathroom real quick. I came back down stairs and we left. As soon as we got outside, my girlfriend started laughing hysterically. I asked her what was so funny. Apparently, when I went upstairs, my dad looked at her and said "You should go ahead have a seat. He's gonna be a minute because he sits down to pee."
Thought of one I posted in the "weird shit parents say" thread.
Some back story first. When I was younger, I had some problem with my "aim" in the bathroom. After becoming fed up with my inability to hit the water, my parents instructed me to just sit at all times. So I did that for a few years until I got older, realized that standing to piss was a staple of modern masculinity, and started closing/locking the door. After years of standing again, I'd assumed they could hear the difference and had just accepted that I wasn't pissing on the floor anymore.
Flash forward to me being 17. My g/f and I were at my house getting ready to go out somewhere. I decided to run upstairs and use the bathroom real quick. I came back down stairs and we left. As soon as we got outside, my girlfriend started laughing hysterically. I asked her what was so funny. Apparently, when I went upstairs, my dad looked at her and said "You should go ahead have a seat. He's gonna be a minute because he sits down to pee."
The women that you marry will thank you for that attribute, but I see where it hurts a 17 year olds chances.
And so, after the first 20 pages or so of this thread I remember a story from years back.
I was dating a co-worker at the time. Engaged, even. (Yes, yes, don't dip your pen in company ink, etc. I know all this now.)
Anyway, we decided that my house was closer to where we worked rather than her apartment, so we go for some lunchtime fun. Anyway, we're doing our thing, fully clothed, aside from some particular naughty bits, and we're using the ever-fancy birth control method of 'pullin' out'. Somewhere between down there and her mouth, things start firing, left, right, up, down. She laughs, I laugh, we clean up her face, etc. We're short on time, as the drive to my place took longer than expected. So we rush back to the office. We work in a large room with about 12 other people. They all know we're together. I suddenly hear the comment from another woman to my gf, "[quaker0's girl], you got some wet spots on your shirt, girl." I turn quickly to look, in horror, my never-to-be-born children have formed translucent spots on my fiancee's blouse. Several. Large. See-thru. Spots. My face is already red. My fiancee, losing no time, quickly replies, "Oh, I spilled my hand lotion at lunch." I think/hope they bought it, but I got some weird looks/snickers from another girl in the office who was "in the know".
Another story, same girl. Her apartment. 69 time, fresh outta the shower. Things are going awesomely well. I'm on the verge, and she sits up, and says, "Did you hear something?". Ba-dooj dooj dooj (sounds effects my own). I'm firing full force up into the air. I cannot see, as her nether regions are planted firmly on my face, but I feel something like a heavy rain coming down onto my body in, yet again, large drops. She say's, "Oh...my...god! I'm so sorry [quaker0]!" I'm not sure if I want to laugh, cry, whatever. She rolls off me, and I see giant puddles of my unborn babies pooling on my chest and stomach. I do not know how I made it back into the shower without spilling it everywhere her floor, I reminisce and imagine I moved like a crab and scuttled sideways...on my back.
Thought of one I posted in the "weird shit parents say" thread.
Some back story first. When I was younger, I had some problem with my "aim" in the bathroom. After becoming fed up with my inability to hit the water, my parents instructed me to just sit at all times. So I did that for a few years until I got older, realized that standing to piss was a staple of modern masculinity, and started closing/locking the door. After years of standing again, I'd assumed they could hear the difference and had just accepted that I wasn't pissing on the floor anymore.
Flash forward to me being 17. My g/f and I were at my house getting ready to go out somewhere. I decided to run upstairs and use the bathroom real quick. I came back down stairs and we left. As soon as we got outside, my girlfriend started laughing hysterically. I asked her what was so funny. Apparently, when I went upstairs, my dad looked at her and said "You should go ahead have a seat. He's gonna be a minute because he sits down to pee."
The women that you marry will thank you for that attribute, but I see where it hurts a 17 year olds chances.
On a semi-related note... I used to have a problem (ok, ok, I still do sometimes) where my foreskin is all scrunched up and I fail to notice it when I go for a pee. Result: random spraying instead of well-aimed streams. After one very messy incident, which happened at home thankfully, my mother was asked in to help me clean up the mess. I was having trouble explaining to her exactly what the problem was, and in frustration she said "Well just point it at the water! How hard can it be?"
Thought of one I posted in the "weird shit parents say" thread.
Some back story first. When I was younger, I had some problem with my "aim" in the bathroom. After becoming fed up with my inability to hit the water, my parents instructed me to just sit at all times. So I did that for a few years until I got older, realized that standing to piss was a staple of modern masculinity, and started closing/locking the door. After years of standing again, I'd assumed they could hear the difference and had just accepted that I wasn't pissing on the floor anymore.
Flash forward to me being 17. My g/f and I were at my house getting ready to go out somewhere. I decided to run upstairs and use the bathroom real quick. I came back down stairs and we left. As soon as we got outside, my girlfriend started laughing hysterically. I asked her what was so funny. Apparently, when I went upstairs, my dad looked at her and said "You should go ahead have a seat. He's gonna be a minute because he sits down to pee."
The women that you marry will thank you for that attribute, but I see where it hurts a 17 year olds chances.
On a semi-related note... I used to have a problem (ok, ok, I still do sometimes) where my foreskin is all scrunched up and I fail to notice it when I go for a pee. Result: random spraying instead of well-aimed streams. After one very messy incident, which happened at home thankfully, my mother was asked in to help me clean up the mess. I was having trouble explaining to her exactly what the problem was, and in frustration she said "Well just point it at the water! How hard can it be?"
My reply?
"I can't! It's uncontrollable!"
Ten years later and she still laughs about it.
And that, that story right there, is the very reason I sit when I use the toilet.
O man...o man, this thread is GOLD -- been reading for a long time and hoping to contribute with my own, but after reflecting long and hard I couldn't recall a dreadful experience...until just now.
I can't really say when my attraction to anime started...and soon afterwards...hentai, but it was probably somewhere around age 12/13. Watching animes like Ninja Scroll/Macross/and then a japanese friend...lets call him Patrick...b/c that's his name...showed me the world of manga and doujinshi. Anyway, i started getting real big into it, and started a collection.
It really wasn't anything major, just a few pages of pictures i printed out and kept hidden away - adding a few more select ones every week.
Anyway, I was around the early teens when i decided my hiding place in the bathroom wasn't good enough. I decided to fold all these papers and stach them behind this HUGE mirror in the bathroom. My first few attempts resulted in the papers just falling out from behind the mirror, but i was determined that this was the best spot. I finally was able to wedge them behind there and make them stick, SUCCESS!
So about a week goes by, and one day my parents say they need to talk to me in the kitchen. I see my brother already sitting down, he's about 20 at the time...maybe a bit older...and has no idea whats going on, neither did i tbqh. I sit down, and my dad goes "Someone explain this to me", but in spanish, and as he does it, he plops my prized collection down on the kitchen table. My heart fucking sinks into my stomach. My brother, who has no idea what is going on, unfolds the papers and just stares in bewilderment. I think i just went numb, but i remember saying "It was me, I printed them." My mom and dad were actually shocked, they suspected my older brother -- and i think since i caught them so off guard, they didn't know what to do.
My mom gave me scissors and i proceeded to cut them up. My brother put his head down and laughed silently. He actually used it as fuel once against me, when i was chatting up a girl -- she wasn't too impressed. Man, looking back, i was fucking YOUNG to be doing that. I can't imagine what my parents thought...probably just more surprised than mad i guess.
Ah, getting caught by the parents with porn. Always a classic.
I got grounded from the computer for weeks the one time I got caught. I was the only one that used the computer in the basement. A friend wanted to download some "sexy .wav files" (this was Windows 98 era, sooo). He downloaded them, listened laughingly to a few, saved them to a floppy, and deleted them. About a week later, my dad sees the *filenames* in the Run... drop down. I explained that my friend just wanted me to download them for him because they weren't working on his computer. They gave me a big long speech about why that stuff isn't okay and grounded me for a good long time.
It's a good thing they never found any of the massive amounts of porn I'd actually been downloading.
When I was... 12? 13? something like that, I somehow got into an area of internet porn where they charged per minute, and just charged to your internet account (was using Dial Up at the time) I never entered a card number or remember agreeing to anything (except that I was over 18), but still managed to rack up over $500 in porn charges, on my grandmothers internet account, in about an hour.
When she saw the bill, I admitted to it right away because fuck thats a lot of money. She managed to get all the charges reversed somehow, and I wasn't allowed to use the internet unsupervised for a long time after that.
The Embarrassing part is the fact that they still bring it up at family get togethers 10 years later. They always ask "was the porn worth $500?" and I always respond with "Compared to todays selection? Not even close."
When I was... 12? 13? something like that, I somehow got into an area of internet porn where they charged per minute, and just charged to your internet account (was using Dial Up at the time) I never entered a card number or remember agreeing to anything (except that I was over 18), but still managed to rack up over $500 in porn charges, on my grandmothers internet account, in about an hour.
When she saw the bill, I admitted to it right away because fuck thats a lot of money. She managed to get all the charges reversed somehow, and I wasn't allowed to use the internet unsupervised for a long time after that.
The Embarrassing part is the fact that they still bring it up at family get togethers 10 years later. They always ask "was the porn worth $500?" and I always respond with "Compared to todays selection? Not even close."
That was absolutely the correct answer. Sounds like you got dialered. I don't think there's any way they can actually bill your ISP for it.
When I was... 12? 13? something like that, I somehow got into an area of internet porn where they charged per minute, and just charged to your internet account (was using Dial Up at the time) I never entered a card number or remember agreeing to anything (except that I was over 18), but still managed to rack up over $500 in porn charges, on my grandmothers internet account, in about an hour.
When she saw the bill, I admitted to it right away because fuck thats a lot of money. She managed to get all the charges reversed somehow, and I wasn't allowed to use the internet unsupervised for a long time after that.
The Embarrassing part is the fact that they still bring it up at family get togethers 10 years later. They always ask "was the porn worth $500?" and I always respond with "Compared to todays selection? Not even close."
That was absolutely the correct answer. Sounds like you got dialered. I don't think there's any way they can actually bill your ISP for it.
Probably, but the ISP was (and still is) also my grandmothers phone company so it didn't really matter. All I know is she got charged over $500 for some porn I looked at while underage. The charges were dropped fairly quick.
In my family, i'm pretty much the only one who knows anything about computers. Which is goddamn annoying. Anyways, when I was like 14-15, my dad asked me if I could fix this dvd he had burnt for him from a friend, so it would play on his laptop. Pretty much I just needed to download some drivers because all though would play was sound, but no video. So I got it to work easily enought.
Turns out it's porn. Oddly enough, a porn flick I saw myself a week before the mention 'dvd fixing'. Yay dad...
Another fun moment was the first time getting drunk with my friends, we ended up drinking at a buddies house (university dorm, so its all Uni/College students there) and we were pretty wasted by the time we decided it was time to hit some bars. Long story short, I ended up throwing up, then got dragged around the town (Hamilton, Ontario btw) and I was told the next day I spent a good chunk of the drunken night, yelling at hookers from across the street.
And my most recent endeavor - getting asked to come to my cousins wedding (her dad/mom are my godparents) in uniform since i'm the only military member of the family. Once we ceremony is over, we arrive at the reception only to discover oh shit open bar. I spent the entire night doing vodka shots, and after I lost any form of self awareness I start drinking beer, three bottles at a time - so i'm told by my cousin, a week after. So here I am, totally out of it, and throwing up at the end of the night because I mixed things I shouldn't had, and in uniform.
Turns out there were two officers at the wedding reception as well - oh and i'm only a Private. They apparently got a good laugh out of my stupid drunken self though, so its all good.
And my most recent endeavor - getting asked to come to my cousins wedding (her dad/mom are my godparents) in uniform since i'm the only military member of the family. Once we ceremony is over, we arrive at the reception only to discover oh shit open bar. I spent the entire night doing vodka shots, and after I lost any form of self awareness I start drinking beer, three bottles at a time - so i'm told by my cousin, a week after. So here I am, totally out of it, and throwing up at the end of the night because I mixed things I shouldn't had, and in uniform.
Turns out there were two officers at the wedding reception as well - oh and i'm only a Private. They apparently got a good laugh out of my stupid drunken self though, so its all good.
If you're in your class A's in a setting where the main function is not to sell alcohol, you're in the green. They can't get you for anything.
That reminds me of my cousin's wedding where a relative of the groom (i.e. not a blood relative) was in the Marines and showed up in his uniform. It was cool and all except that he forgot his little decorations (he got a medal for something) and he was wearing his pants inside-out. No one brought his pants issue to his attention until it was party time and he was already drunk as hell. I think my sister's friend told him and he was like "OH SHIT! Thanks, I'll take care of it RIGHT NOW!" and takes off his pants and turns them inside-out so they're correct. He did this in front of like 80 people and they all got to see his neon green tighty-whities.
I was elsewhere but unfortunately I was shown the video of this wedding.
About 2 weeks ago me and my mates went out on our usual friday piss up, all goes well i get exceptionally wasted all is good. So anywho at the end of the night we all get our taxi back home, and I end up going back to my friends house because i'm not ready to go home yet. So we go play a bit of Vegas for a while, after a lil bit the beer demands an exit so i have to go pee. So i drunkenly stagger out onto the landing to the bathroom and barge straight in. Immediately in front of me is my friends dad, sat on the toilet taking a shit absolutely bollock naked.
As you'd imagine theres the initial shock of oh fuck i just walked in on someone, unfortunately i was so supremely pissed i didn't know what to do, and just stood there staring at him for a few minutes. When i finally get with it i say sorry and leave as quickly as possible, i'm just about to get back to my friends room and his dad calls me back, being the complete drunken tard i was i walked straight back into the bathroom instead of just saying "what?" from the otherside of the door. "Turn down the TV its 5am" he says. "K, night" i say.
From what I was told, one of my other cousins just dragged me to the side after a while and I just lay there. Apparently when asked if I was ok, still laying on the ground, eyes close I responded the the most mellow voice "No way man."
I also vividly remember when people started playing wedding games, like where the DJ would grab random people from tables and make them throw a dice or something - if you got an even number you took a shot of vodka, if you got an odd one you had to dance in front of everyone - and I just sat there totally blitzed out thinking oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck don't pick me.
Also I remember hanging out the entire time with yet another cousin of mine, and then her mom grabbed me and made me dance with her (the mom, not the cousin) which was kinda weird as hell.
Thankfully no one was wise enough to videotape me though or take pictures, only during the wedding when I was still sober.
And - what the fuck, everyone at the damn thing was either related to me or just goddamn old. Hey there bridesmaid....fuck, your my cousin too, aren't you.
In my family, i'm pretty much the only one who knows anything about computers. Which is goddamn annoying. Anyways, when I was like 14-15, my dad asked me if I could fix this dvd he had burnt for him from a friend, so it would play on his laptop. Pretty much I just needed to download some drivers because all though would play was sound, but no video. So I got it to work easily enought.
Turns out it's porn. Oddly enough, a porn flick I saw myself a week before the mention 'dvd fixing'. Yay dad...
Another fun moment was the first time getting drunk with my friends, we ended up drinking at a buddies house (university dorm, so its all Uni/College students there) and we were pretty wasted by the time we decided it was time to hit some bars. Long story short, I ended up throwing up, then got dragged around the town (Hamilton, Ontario btw) and I was told the next day I spent a good chunk of the drunken night, yelling at hookers from across the street.
And my most recent endeavor - getting asked to come to my cousins wedding (her dad/mom are my godparents) in uniform since i'm the only military member of the family. Once we ceremony is over, we arrive at the reception only to discover oh shit open bar. I spent the entire night doing vodka shots, and after I lost any form of self awareness I start drinking beer, three bottles at a time - so i'm told by my cousin, a week after. So here I am, totally out of it, and throwing up at the end of the night because I mixed things I shouldn't had, and in uniform.
Turns out there were two officers at the wedding reception as well - oh and i'm only a Private. They apparently got a good laugh out of my stupid drunken self though, so its all good.
I'm pretty sure you getting drunk off your ass was more of a result of drinking many shots of vodka and 3 beers at a time, rather than the fact that you mixed the two.
That reminds me of my cousin's wedding where a relative of the groom (i.e. not a blood relative) was in the Marines and showed up in his uniform. It was cool and all except that he forgot his little decorations (he got a medal for something) and he was wearing his pants inside-out. No one brought his pants issue to his attention until it was party time and he was already drunk as hell. I think my sister's friend told him and he was like "OH SHIT! Thanks, I'll take care of it RIGHT NOW!" and takes off his pants and turns them inside-out so they're correct. He did this in front of like 80 people and they all got to see his neon green tighty-whities.
I was elsewhere but unfortunately I was shown the video of this wedding.
That's how it was described to me. I don't think all of it was neon green, probably the trims of something. Whatever, i don't fucking care. I don't want to visualize it.
Another story came to mind when someone mentioned cleaning laptops. :< And no, it doesn't involve google or anything.
My boss loans me his laptop to do some work on. I know him, and his whole family. They have a new baby.
I upload some photos from the digital camera I've been using for work, and it auto uploads into "My Pictures". So I open said folder, which is set to "thumbnails". And I'm looking at these kind of dark pictures, thinking to myself, "These don't look like the photos I took, wtf?" So I open one in the middle of this series of dark pictures...
It's birth pix. A direct closeup of aforementioned new baby, crowning, coming out of his FUG wife's giant vagina.
I am at my cousins house during this, he said the look on my face was as if I was dying.
And I was dying. On the inside.
Fast forward two days, I'm back at said boss' house. I mention to him he might want to clean his pix off the laptop before he loans it out. He laughs. He calls his wife into the room, who laughs even harder, and says, "Well, I guess we're whole lot closer than you ever thought!" har-dee friggin har
I fake a slight, shaky laugh. And another little piece of my soul breaks off and dies.
Yeah I will listen to the Willis advice and only offer my left hand if my wife and myself have a child, I'd rather like the ability to sign my name on things.
Preacher on
I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.
Its not soo bad. My husband hates icky things, really does not take them well. Even he found it neat and fascianting when our daughter was born. He loves to tell our friends about how daughter finally got her whole head out then "Squirt" the rest of her was just there.
And yeah after watching a head and body come out of my naughty bits he still likes them.
I'll go on record as saying that it's really not traumatic like some of you make it out to be. Being there with my wife and watching the birth happen was amazing, intense and beautiful, despite the mess. It had no effect on my desire for sex at all.
It doesn't really matter if it bothers you, as it takes a while to heal and you won't be having sex for that time anyway.
I dunno, maybe I'm overly stoic about this kind of thing. I should go into medicine.
edit: I'd just like to add that it was funny how the resident pediatrician handled it. It was her first birth, and when the time came for pushing to start she got decked out in gloves, poncho and safety goggles. Looked like she was prepping for the first row at a show in Seaworld.
I'll go on record as saying that it's really not traumatic like some of you make it out to be. Being there with my wife and watching the birth happen was amazing, intense and beautiful, despite the mess. It had no effect on my desire for sex at all.
It doesn't really matter if it bothers you, as it takes a while to heal and you won't be having sex for that time anyway.
I dunno, maybe I'm overly stoic about this kind of thing. I should go into medicine.
edit: I'd just like to add that it was funny how the resident pediatrician handled it. It was her first birth, and when the time came for pushing to start she got decked out in gloves, poncho and safety goggles. Looked like she was prepping for the first row at a show in Seaworld.
The correct way to describe childbirth is "like the front row at a Gallagher show."
Posts
It's not a completely unused phrase--"fingering the merchandise"
That count? Dude walked in on my changing. Was akward.
Oh, another moment.
First, as an explaination...my school uses laptop computers. They're our own property, but the school tries to keep them fairly uniform.
Anyways, I was in math class, and this kid sitting next to me leans over and says.."is that a pubic hair on your keyboard?"...
I...told him to fuck off, and probably made some excuse about it being an eyelash or just that it was my dog...
Maybe he was just fucking with you
You washed your hands first though, right?
What are you doing letting your dog's pubes on your laptop? ;-)
You're still only questioning it? If you have any faith left in the majority, you have not read enough youtube comments yet.
The correct answer is "Fuck yes thats a pubic hair"
blegh that was a pain to explain.
Some back story first. When I was younger, I had some problem with my "aim" in the bathroom. After becoming fed up with my inability to hit the water, my parents instructed me to just sit at all times. So I did that for a few years until I got older, realized that standing to piss was a staple of modern masculinity, and started closing/locking the door. After years of standing again, I'd assumed they could hear the difference and had just accepted that I wasn't pissing on the floor anymore.
Flash forward to me being 17. My g/f and I were at my house getting ready to go out somewhere. I decided to run upstairs and use the bathroom real quick. I came back down stairs and we left. As soon as we got outside, my girlfriend started laughing hysterically. I asked her what was so funny. Apparently, when I went upstairs, my dad looked at her and said "You should go ahead have a seat. He's gonna be a minute because he sits down to pee."
The women that you marry will thank you for that attribute, but I see where it hurts a 17 year olds chances.
I was dating a co-worker at the time. Engaged, even. (Yes, yes, don't dip your pen in company ink, etc. I know all this now.)
Anyway, we decided that my house was closer to where we worked rather than her apartment, so we go for some lunchtime fun. Anyway, we're doing our thing, fully clothed, aside from some particular naughty bits, and we're using the ever-fancy birth control method of 'pullin' out'. Somewhere between down there and her mouth, things start firing, left, right, up, down. She laughs, I laugh, we clean up her face, etc. We're short on time, as the drive to my place took longer than expected. So we rush back to the office. We work in a large room with about 12 other people. They all know we're together. I suddenly hear the comment from another woman to my gf, "[quaker0's girl], you got some wet spots on your shirt, girl." I turn quickly to look, in horror, my never-to-be-born children have formed translucent spots on my fiancee's blouse. Several. Large. See-thru. Spots. My face is already red. My fiancee, losing no time, quickly replies, "Oh, I spilled my hand lotion at lunch." I think/hope they bought it, but I got some weird looks/snickers from another girl in the office who was "in the know".
Another story, same girl. Her apartment. 69 time, fresh outta the shower. Things are going awesomely well. I'm on the verge, and she sits up, and says, "Did you hear something?". Ba-dooj dooj dooj (sounds effects my own). I'm firing full force up into the air. I cannot see, as her nether regions are planted firmly on my face, but I feel something like a heavy rain coming down onto my body in, yet again, large drops. She say's, "Oh...my...god! I'm so sorry [quaker0]!" I'm not sure if I want to laugh, cry, whatever. She rolls off me, and I see giant puddles of my unborn babies pooling on my chest and stomach. I do not know how I made it back into the shower without spilling it everywhere her floor, I reminisce and imagine I moved like a crab and scuttled sideways...on my back.
On a semi-related note... I used to have a problem (ok, ok, I still do sometimes) where my foreskin is all scrunched up and I fail to notice it when I go for a pee. Result: random spraying instead of well-aimed streams. After one very messy incident, which happened at home thankfully, my mother was asked in to help me clean up the mess. I was having trouble explaining to her exactly what the problem was, and in frustration she said "Well just point it at the water! How hard can it be?"
My reply?
"I can't! It's uncontrollable!"
Ten years later and she still laughs about it.
See, in my head, I heard the sounds laser turrets make in Star Wars. I hope nobody asks what I'm laughing about.
STEAM
And that, that story right there, is the very reason I sit when I use the toilet.
I can't really say when my attraction to anime started...and soon afterwards...hentai, but it was probably somewhere around age 12/13. Watching animes like Ninja Scroll/Macross/and then a japanese friend...lets call him Patrick...b/c that's his name...showed me the world of manga and doujinshi. Anyway, i started getting real big into it, and started a collection.
It really wasn't anything major, just a few pages of pictures i printed out and kept hidden away - adding a few more select ones every week.
Anyway, I was around the early teens when i decided my hiding place in the bathroom wasn't good enough. I decided to fold all these papers and stach them behind this HUGE mirror in the bathroom. My first few attempts resulted in the papers just falling out from behind the mirror, but i was determined that this was the best spot. I finally was able to wedge them behind there and make them stick, SUCCESS!
So about a week goes by, and one day my parents say they need to talk to me in the kitchen. I see my brother already sitting down, he's about 20 at the time...maybe a bit older...and has no idea whats going on, neither did i tbqh. I sit down, and my dad goes "Someone explain this to me", but in spanish, and as he does it, he plops my prized collection down on the kitchen table. My heart fucking sinks into my stomach. My brother, who has no idea what is going on, unfolds the papers and just stares in bewilderment. I think i just went numb, but i remember saying "It was me, I printed them." My mom and dad were actually shocked, they suspected my older brother -- and i think since i caught them so off guard, they didn't know what to do.
My mom gave me scissors and i proceeded to cut them up. My brother put his head down and laughed silently. He actually used it as fuel once against me, when i was chatting up a girl -- she wasn't too impressed. Man, looking back, i was fucking YOUNG to be doing that. I can't imagine what my parents thought...probably just more surprised than mad i guess.
I got grounded from the computer for weeks the one time I got caught. I was the only one that used the computer in the basement. A friend wanted to download some "sexy .wav files" (this was Windows 98 era, sooo). He downloaded them, listened laughingly to a few, saved them to a floppy, and deleted them. About a week later, my dad sees the *filenames* in the Run... drop down. I explained that my friend just wanted me to download them for him because they weren't working on his computer. They gave me a big long speech about why that stuff isn't okay and grounded me for a good long time.
When she saw the bill, I admitted to it right away because fuck thats a lot of money. She managed to get all the charges reversed somehow, and I wasn't allowed to use the internet unsupervised for a long time after that.
The Embarrassing part is the fact that they still bring it up at family get togethers 10 years later. They always ask "was the porn worth $500?" and I always respond with "Compared to todays selection? Not even close."
That was absolutely the correct answer. Sounds like you got dialered. I don't think there's any way they can actually bill your ISP for it.
Probably, but the ISP was (and still is) also my grandmothers phone company so it didn't really matter. All I know is she got charged over $500 for some porn I looked at while underage. The charges were dropped fairly quick.
In my family, i'm pretty much the only one who knows anything about computers. Which is goddamn annoying. Anyways, when I was like 14-15, my dad asked me if I could fix this dvd he had burnt for him from a friend, so it would play on his laptop. Pretty much I just needed to download some drivers because all though would play was sound, but no video. So I got it to work easily enought.
Turns out it's porn. Oddly enough, a porn flick I saw myself a week before the mention 'dvd fixing'. Yay dad...
Another fun moment was the first time getting drunk with my friends, we ended up drinking at a buddies house (university dorm, so its all Uni/College students there) and we were pretty wasted by the time we decided it was time to hit some bars. Long story short, I ended up throwing up, then got dragged around the town (Hamilton, Ontario btw) and I was told the next day I spent a good chunk of the drunken night, yelling at hookers from across the street.
And my most recent endeavor - getting asked to come to my cousins wedding (her dad/mom are my godparents) in uniform since i'm the only military member of the family. Once we ceremony is over, we arrive at the reception only to discover oh shit open bar. I spent the entire night doing vodka shots, and after I lost any form of self awareness I start drinking beer, three bottles at a time - so i'm told by my cousin, a week after. So here I am, totally out of it, and throwing up at the end of the night because I mixed things I shouldn't had, and in uniform.
Turns out there were two officers at the wedding reception as well - oh and i'm only a Private.
If you're in your class A's in a setting where the main function is not to sell alcohol, you're in the green. They can't get you for anything.
Hope you didn't act like an ass though.
I was elsewhere but unfortunately I was shown the video of this wedding.
About 2 weeks ago me and my mates went out on our usual friday piss up, all goes well i get exceptionally wasted all is good. So anywho at the end of the night we all get our taxi back home, and I end up going back to my friends house because i'm not ready to go home yet. So we go play a bit of Vegas for a while, after a lil bit the beer demands an exit so i have to go pee. So i drunkenly stagger out onto the landing to the bathroom and barge straight in. Immediately in front of me is my friends dad, sat on the toilet taking a shit absolutely bollock naked.
As you'd imagine theres the initial shock of oh fuck i just walked in on someone, unfortunately i was so supremely pissed i didn't know what to do, and just stood there staring at him for a few minutes. When i finally get with it i say sorry and leave as quickly as possible, i'm just about to get back to my friends room and his dad calls me back, being the complete drunken tard i was i walked straight back into the bathroom instead of just saying "what?" from the otherside of the door. "Turn down the TV its 5am" he says. "K, night" i say.
I also vividly remember when people started playing wedding games, like where the DJ would grab random people from tables and make them throw a dice or something - if you got an even number you took a shot of vodka, if you got an odd one you had to dance in front of everyone - and I just sat there totally blitzed out thinking oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck don't pick me.
Also I remember hanging out the entire time with yet another cousin of mine, and then her mom grabbed me and made me dance with her (the mom, not the cousin) which was kinda weird as hell.
Thankfully no one was wise enough to videotape me though or take pictures, only during the wedding when I was still sober.
And - what the fuck, everyone at the damn thing was either related to me or just goddamn old. Hey there bridesmaid....fuck, your my cousin too, aren't you.
I'm pretty sure you getting drunk off your ass was more of a result of drinking many shots of vodka and 3 beers at a time, rather than the fact that you mixed the two.
Best... story... ever.
My boss loans me his laptop to do some work on. I know him, and his whole family. They have a new baby.
I upload some photos from the digital camera I've been using for work, and it auto uploads into "My Pictures". So I open said folder, which is set to "thumbnails". And I'm looking at these kind of dark pictures, thinking to myself, "These don't look like the photos I took, wtf?" So I open one in the middle of this series of dark pictures...
It's birth pix. A direct closeup of aforementioned new baby, crowning, coming out of his FUG wife's giant vagina.
I am at my cousins house during this, he said the look on my face was as if I was dying.
And I was dying. On the inside.
Fast forward two days, I'm back at said boss' house. I mention to him he might want to clean his pix off the laptop before he loans it out. He laughs. He calls his wife into the room, who laughs even harder, and says, "Well, I guess we're whole lot closer than you ever thought!" har-dee friggin har
I fake a slight, shaky laugh. And another little piece of my soul breaks off and dies.
pleasepaypreacher.net
I will be by my wifes head, looking her in the eyes while she clamps down and breaks my fucking hands. The other end though, fuck that shit.
pleasepaypreacher.net
And yeah after watching a head and body come out of my naughty bits he still likes them.
pleasepaypreacher.net
It doesn't really matter if it bothers you, as it takes a while to heal and you won't be having sex for that time anyway.
I dunno, maybe I'm overly stoic about this kind of thing. I should go into medicine.
edit: I'd just like to add that it was funny how the resident pediatrician handled it. It was her first birth, and when the time came for pushing to start she got decked out in gloves, poncho and safety goggles. Looked like she was prepping for the first row at a show in Seaworld.
The correct way to describe childbirth is "like the front row at a Gallagher show."