my mom refuses to call her doctor when she is having chest discomfort despite living with an aneurysm.
she is going to die one of these days because of it I'm sure. I just want her to take care of herself, I don't want to get that call from my aunt or uncle anytime soon... I'm not ready for that.
I would recommend waiting until they're thoroughly on their feet, without any input major from mom, and then wait for her to fall into a lifelong-laid trap where Mori lays into her like Spacey's character (i know and I'm sorry but its such a goddamn good movie) in The Ref
There's nothing, *nothing* better than meeting the "pay homage or I'll burn it all down" parent on your front foot and look them dead in the eye and inform them matter of factedly, "actually, *you* need *me* more than *I* need *you*"
But you *have* to, absolutely *have*, to have done the full-prove of "I can call quits to literally all of your bullshit and still be solid and fine this time next year, and you just witnessed that- do not fuck with me"
Sheri's mom does this sometimes, and I think she's only just now starting to get it.
back in 2014, us looking for a new place happened to coincide with Sheri's mom moving in with her new boyfriend in Virginia, so she asked us to move in until they could sell his condo, buy a house there, and sell hers down here. Pretty much all of her stuff, including furniture, stayed in the house, so in exchange for basically house-sitting for her, she gave us a good deal on rent. Which is fine, but occasionally she would try and lord it over us.
Except several aspects of the house are in disrepair, which while I'm perfectly willing to put in the labor hours, am not going to contribute one cent toward fixing, since it ain't my house. Plus the fact that most of her stuff is still here, and even if we were to move out, and would be royally screwed if we ever did move out, since she'd be eating the mortgage by herself, and the house is in no shape to be rented. So whenever she gets up in our business, we've started playing the 'fine, we'll move out then' and she changes her tune real quick.
My parents divorce is finally moving forward. Slowly but almost over. I’ve been super depressed since I found out for sure we have to sell and move out of our family home. We have until July thankfully but it’s going to be so stressful. And on top of it school is getting harder and my relationships with my best friend’s has been super rocky. I feel really alone and neglected. They have always been a support and losing them plus my home is really hitting hard. :’(
my mom refuses to call her doctor when she is having chest discomfort despite living with an aneurysm.
she is going to die one of these days because of it I'm sure. I just want her to take care of herself, I don't want to get that call from my aunt or uncle anytime soon... I'm not ready for that.
Does she have a rational reason for not calling the doctor?
my mom refuses to call her doctor when she is having chest discomfort despite living with an aneurysm.
she is going to die one of these days because of it I'm sure. I just want her to take care of herself, I don't want to get that call from my aunt or uncle anytime soon... I'm not ready for that.
That sucks. I've got an alcoholic chain smoker of a mom, and the biggest thing I got from early therapy was that it was noooot my joobbbb to fix that. I could encourage good decisions, but I was not responsible for what another adult did. It can take a while to believe that though, but at least remind yourself from time to time. You don't deserve that weight on you.
Also on Facebook family, just hide them. Never need to see their posts and you don't have to unfriend them. You may be shocked how little you miss the couple nuggets among the filth.
Hoooly shit there might be relief for my anxiety! It's slowly built up over time, but I realized I'm starting to feel like I have akathesia *
Not sure if this was an early draft of yours or not, but I'd never heard of this term before and I looked it up...and holy shit, that's exactly what I had one night shortly after beginning my anxiety meds, years ago. I had had a single beer earlier with dinner, and I think it just completely messed me up with the new meds. I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest sensation ever - an EXTREMELY uncomfortable feeling that I had to keep my legs and arms in motion. It felt like I was super on edge - the best way I can describe it is that you know how when you're about to fall or something's about to hit you, you instinctually move your arms to protect yourself? It felt like I was in that same state, but continuously, and I had no relief unless I moved my arms or legs, but the relief only lasted for as long as I was moving. This went on until I managed to fall back asleep an hour later. It was awful, and bizarre, and I had no idea what it was until just now. Wikipedia says it's a known association with SSRI's, huh! I wasn't able to find any info on it back then, but dang. Glad to have a word/explanation for what that was, at least.
The feeling is like restless leg syndrome cranked up to eleven. It can get really bad if it goes on long term. It's happened to me several times, the first time was the worst. I wound up marching around the hospital lobby in tears. They had to give me intravenous benadryl to get me to calm down.
my mom refuses to call her doctor when she is having chest discomfort despite living with an aneurysm.
she is going to die one of these days because of it I'm sure. I just want her to take care of herself, I don't want to get that call from my aunt or uncle anytime soon... I'm not ready for that.
That sucks. I've got an alcoholic chain smoker of a mom, and the biggest thing I got from early therapy was that it was noooot my joobbbb to fix that. I could encourage good decisions, but I was not responsible for what another adult did. It can take a while to believe that though, but at least remind yourself from time to time. You don't deserve that weight on you.
Also on Facebook family, just hide them. Never need to see their posts and you don't have to unfriend them. You may be shocked how little you miss the couple nuggets among the filth.
Yeah fair point. it's just my brother and I rely on her a lot still, and she's really my only close friend these days.
If she were to die tomorrow there is no plan for us, nothing. my brother would have to get a state payee and probably go to the hospital then a group home and I'd be lucky not to end up going a similar route but ending up living out of my car on the streets.
It's impossible to talk as a family about plans for this stuff too and it's incredibly stressful.
It's been over three months and I haven't found another job. There just aren't any IT jobs in the area. We are facing the loss of our car after April and possible eviction later on if we can't pay our rent. My wife is disabled and was getting SSI a few years ago, but the checks stopped for some reason. She re-applied. My son has a learning disability and may qualify for SSI as well, we applied at the same time. These kind of things often take months, but the guy at the SS office said ours should be quicker since my wife's is a re-application and children are typically quicker.
My wife broke her leg the week of Valentine's day and is still restricted to a wheelchair. I have to do all the driving for my family. I'm not certain we could get her family to fill that role if I do get a job.
Last weekend it was discovered that yet again a drug my psychiatrist prescribed me gave me Akathisia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akathisia) and I'm in the middle of a med change for depression and I am an absolute wreck of a human being. My arms and hands literally shake with fear, I forget to eat, I've dry heaved once when the fear overwhelmed me. I'm having trouble sleeping so I feel tired all the time. I need meds to sleep, when I get to sleep I'm OK. When I wake up, I feel the weight of fear and hopelessness descend on me.
I'm still seeing my therapist and taking my meds as my doctor prescribed. I'm working with a career counselor at the same office as my psychiatrist and therapist. He says Indeed.com has given him the best results, so I started using that. I'm throwing out applications like confetti. I may wind up flipping burgers, which I'll do if I need to, but I don't know if that income would even be enough. If something does not break my way soon, I don't know what is going to happen.
This may be depression, but I'm starting to doubt myself as a human being. I've made mistakes, been irresponsible with money, I went back to school late, I wasted my early 20's. I love my family. If we wind up homeless again, I don't think there is anyone to bail us out. It's my fault for not doing enough, for being lazy, for being overall irresponsible. If I cared about my family, would we be so close to homelessness?
I don't have anywhere else to spill my guts like this. I know this isn't really the intent of this forum. Thank you for reading.
A LOT of people ‘waste’ their early 20s. A lot of people go to school late, are irresponsible with money, etc. You are far from being alone and you’ve just had a little worse luck than most finding a job again. You are definitely not any less human for it!
It's been over three months and I haven't found another job. There just aren't any IT jobs in the area. We are facing the loss of our car after April and possible eviction later on if we can't pay our rent. My wife is disabled and was getting SSI a few years ago, but the checks stopped for some reason. She re-applied. My son has a learning disability and may qualify for SSI as well, we applied at the same time. These kind of things often take months, but the guy at the SS office said ours should be quicker since my wife's is a re-application and children are typically quicker.
My wife broke her leg the week of Valentine's day and is still restricted to a wheelchair. I have to do all the driving for my family. I'm not certain we could get her family to fill that role if I do get a job.
Last weekend it was discovered that yet again a drug my psychiatrist prescribed me gave me Akathisia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akathisia) and I'm in the middle of a med change for depression and I am an absolute wreck of a human being. My arms and hands literally shake with fear, I forget to eat, I've dry heaved once when the fear overwhelmed me. I'm having trouble sleeping so I feel tired all the time. I need meds to sleep, when I get to sleep I'm OK. When I wake up, I feel the weight of fear and hopelessness descend on me.
I'm still seeing my therapist and taking my meds as my doctor prescribed. I'm working with a career counselor at the same office as my psychiatrist and therapist. He says Indeed.com has given him the best results, so I started using that. I'm throwing out applications like confetti. I may wind up flipping burgers, which I'll do if I need to, but I don't know if that income would even be enough. If something does not break my way soon, I don't know what is going to happen.
This may be depression, but I'm starting to doubt myself as a human being. I've made mistakes, been irresponsible with money, I went back to school late, I wasted my early 20's. I love my family. If we wind up homeless again, I don't think there is anyone to bail us out. It's my fault for not doing enough, for being lazy, for being overall irresponsible. If I cared about my family, would we be so close to homelessness?
I don't have anywhere else to spill my guts like this. I know this isn't really the intent of this forum. Thank you for reading.
Ok, so first and foremost, you're not a failure!
I've seen a lot of your posts and you care! You try! You give a shit! Those are not things I associate with failures. From what you've said previously, you care a lot about providing for your family, which is a really good attribute to have, but it's also eating on you, since by not doing that you're not fulfilling yourself. And there's no easy fix to it, but you're doing all the right things. You're getting counseling. You're applying for jobs. You'll get a job!
If you didn't care about your family, you wouldn't be trying! You are not failing as a human being.
Today we went over to my cousin's place to help them clean up some in preparation of them moving sometime in the near future.
Since there was that 17-minute walkout the other day at schools to protest gun violence, my mother asked her 11 year-old niece how that went, if she did anything. Apparently she did, because my aunt, her grandmother, then told her that she should be suspended for participating.
Then she went into a rant about how awful it is to get kids indoctrinated into doing things like that. Then something about the Clintons. I kind of stopped listening, while my cousin tried to get her to stop talking about this stuff around and to her kids.
I guess she's getting worse. Doesn't even watch fox anymore, gets all her information from blogs.
Have applied for food stamps. I should have done so earlier, but I did not think I would be unemployed for so long or that my wife would fall and break her leg.
I'm afraid they will turn us down for some reason. Like, I put something down wrong, or your FiL pays your bills so you don't deserve them. But it is so hard to stretch what money we have for a family of four. Nobody has a job right now.
I got a call from a company that saw my resume on some site, but it was for a job that required travel across the entire state, sometimes overnight travel. That's simply unfeasible in my situation. We only have a van and the gas cost barely made it worth it and I can't leave my family for that long because I'm the primary caretaker of my wife and kids.
I'm putting in applications for local call centers that pay tops 10 bucks an hour. No callbacks.
If you get a job right away? Great! No worries just let them know and they'll either ask for it back or you'll get a month gratis. You've paid into them your whole working life and they're specifically there for you in these situations.
This goes for everyone that finds themselves in a shit situation too.
Also ask around shelters to see if there's food drives for families in need, a lot of communities do them relatively frequently, and so do churches.
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
Sad/angry moment I feel I need to offload here (because my poor husband has heard enough):
A dream I've had for many years died this afternoon - the dream that I would have my mother provide childcare for my son, while we paid for her living expenses.
My mother has some type of ADD that makes it difficult for her to keep general employment. After I got pregnant last year and her mother who she'd been caring for passed away, I invited her to Seattle so that we could do this dream - making sure both my son and my mother would be safe, and that if I worked really hard, I could pay one price to take care of both of them. She was here for the birth, helped care for me and the baby on some overnights, got herself a job to pass the time, moved in with my mother-in-law for cheap rent, and we are coming up rapidly on the end of my maternity leave. I'd thought after all that, over man conversations, there was a general understanding of what our arrangement would look like, and have been writing it up so that we can sign a thing over the past few days. And then...
My mother is in Hawaii on a visit to a friend right now, not scheduled to come back until the day before my maternity leave ends (two weeks). She calls me up and drops two bombs: 1) She would like to be paid $4 more per hour (!!) because that way she will feel "respected" and 2) she feels like it is really, really important to keep the full-time job she already has, because she wants health insurance for naturopathic care (!!), and so is claiming I said she would be a part-time caregiver (not since I ran the numbers last October!), and if I won't agree to that, well, she'll just have to work 60 hours per week until this November, poor her, and she doesn't want to spend money to apply for Medicare Part B during the last week she can get it because she just doesn't want to, even though she has an inheritance of six figures, and 3) actually insinuated that we'd taken advantage of her already with the overnights where she'd care for us, and I just...
...am really tired of this. Tired and done. Thankfully my husband agrees, even though we're going to have to eat it financially to scramble together alternative care at the last second. Also, she'd wanted to give us a large chunk of her inheritance as a down payment, but under the condition that we share the property, which I am also DONE with as an idea. I can't even imagine this, times a thousand, for the rest of our lives, FOREVER!!!
The worst part is that she thinks that we are actually negotiating... when actually... I've absolutely hit the end of my patience. (There have been other things - dragging me into her family business for the sale of the house, insinuating that she doesn't believe in vaccines, not being an entirely safe driver, that I'd been getting more and more uneasy about as well...) I lost it on her on the phone, hung up on her, and she's been texting and emailing me ways that I can decrease my hours (I can't) and that she can totally handle 60 hours a week of work at age 65 (she can't).
No, I take it back, the actual worst part is that we might still have to have her care for my baby for a little bit if we can't find care in the next two weeks. She needs to just be Grandma now... just Grandma, and preferably Grandma in a different state, where I don't call her and we don't spend Christmas together, because all that's going to be left when the tide of anger recedes is going to be... profound, utter humiliation that I ever thought this could work. That I actually introduced my in-laws to her, even asked them to live with her. That my husband has to be related to her. That I'm going to have to find her a nursing home someday. I want her to never fly back from Hawaii. I want, SO BAD, to tell her not to bother to fly back.
I am going to eat so much shit over the next year for this (maybe literally, because childcare was already going to impact our food budget at the previously agreed-upon rate) and I know I deserve it. I was a damned fool. I won't even be able to see sunlight for the remainder of this year, and I fucking deserve it. God help my poor husband.
TL;DR - I chased after a family dream that I should have known would never be. Now we have to scramble and spend lots of money, because it fell through. I'm humiliated, sad, and still completely furious. Thanks for existing, thread, so that I had a place to rant about this ^^;
Kijunshi I'm so sorry to hear about your plight. Whatever happens, I don't think you deserve any kind of punishment for this. You don't deserve this kind of treatment from your mother.
+13
Options
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
I'd probably have her down as a last resort, after neighborhood kids, neighborhood adults, local parents of friends, people you know from any religious institutions, under your desk at work, a mom you met at Target who didn't yell at her kids too much while you were there...
There are options, especially if it's temporary and you're offering to pay something. It may not be ideal, but if you really look around you might be able to find someone to help out if you're in a real bind where you don't need to resort to someone I wouldn't necessarily trust to watch the kid long term anyway.
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
Oh my goodness... a good night's sleep makes yesterday's post look positively unhinged ^^; I really hit a point of frustration... thanks to you all for your kind words of support I've already reached out to two potential childcare centers - with a little luck, we'll be able to find something in the next few weeks.
As for whatever may come next with my mother, at least we'll be able to construct a more honest relationship going forward.
Cute baby tax to brighten your day attached below!
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
oh my goodness that is a happy
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
0
Options
lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
oh what a sweet baby!
And don't be afraid to drop by the parenting and kids thread as well! We talk about everything!
You're not unhinged, you're stressed. Vital difference!
So I had a job interview this morning. I was contacted about the job on Monday. It was a good job, IT support for a major employer in the area. I couldn't help but get my hopes up.
The guy dismissed me without even interviewing me. I wasn't wearing a suite and tie. I wasn't wearing dress shoes. I don't have a tie. I don't have any dress shoes. So much was just lost or misplaced in the eviction. I was wearing my best clothes, khaki pants, polo shirt, and my dark colored sneakers. I have an old suite jacket in the closet that is in poor shape and at least would need to be dry cleaned and some old dress pants that don't fit me anymore. I can't afford dress shoes or dry cleaning or a tie.
I should have asked about attire. Maybe I could have borrowed the money from family in Georgia, but they are scraping by, too. When he dismissed me I just said OK and walked away. Maybe I should have tried explaining my situation. I wanted this job so badly and it's gone without any chance to prove myself.
I can't stand this anymore. I keep having hope for security dangled in front of me, only to have it snatched away. I made it home and inside the door before I simply collapsed and cried. I'm all alone. My wife is constantly ill and in her own depression. My MiL is some comfort but she is old and senile and can't really understand. There is no one I can talk too. Time and money are running out. It's all on me and it's not working. The fear and guilt and anxiety are eating me up from the inside out. I'm fighting but it's not working. I fuck up, I lose. I'm not actually good. I swear to god I'm trying, but other people try all the time and still lose. I'm smart in certain ways, but I don't understand how some of the world operates, how people operate. There is other stuff I can't put on a public forum that is gripping my heart like a fist and churning my guts
My world has shrank to taking care of my wife, taking care of my kids who are both being damaged by my depression and fuck ups. I feel cut off from the world. No news or TV or internet or movies engage me. That's all part of a world of security, of normalcy, of money. I want to feel better but I can't make my life better. I can't fight anymore today.
0
Options
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
There are places that offer emergency assistance.. a lot of the time they can give you vouchers to take to a clothing store for interview clothes. If you were local I could point you to one I donate stuff to, but I know they're out there. It might be worth it to find an org that offers something like that. Have you looked into local pantries?
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
I think it's important to take time for yourself now too. You cannot devote your entire being to taking care of others, it will wear you down. You need to find something to do and do it and take a break from it all. Go for a run or walk, take up painting, but I feel like your mental health needs to be addressed.
Goodwill and salvation army sometimes have interview clothes, as well as what ceres is suggesting. Look at all the programs designed to help those in need, foodstamps, food pantries, medicaid programs for the poor, anything.
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
So I had a therapist appointment a few hours after my gut punch of being dismissed. There were tears and some crying, but she helped me feel better. What got to me the most is that on my way to my appointment, my wife called just to say she loves me. She has lately seemed so mired in her own misery and illness, yet she reached out to me because she cares and was worried about me. Yea, that got a few tears from me.
My therapist mentioned they have a program with people that can help me out with getting interview clothes. I felt a little better after that. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow to address my meds. My last two med changes have had, lets say, less than optimal side effects (Akathisia and dangerously raised blood pressure). I'm a strong believer that meds are an integral part of maintaining my mental health. I know there is no magic bullet, no pill to cure depression, but meds help.
When my daughter and I got home from picking her up at school today, she opened the door with "HAPPY SPRING BREAK EVERYBODY!" Her happiness is like a hammer to my anxiety and depression. I won't deny that it chokes me up to feel her happiness when I feel so sad and overwhelmed. I will never, ever give up. I will never stop trying.
@Moriveth ‘s parents are really weird about money.
Backstory: When I was on maternity leave with Niko and had reduced income (and a hefty $ health bill) and had told Mori’s parents this, I felt as if his mom kept asking me to buy stuff to ‘test’ me, as if to say, ‘what, you didn’t anticipate emergency supply money?’ For example, she got it into her head that Anya NEEDED a fairy garden and when I balked at spending money on something so frivolous, she scoffed and said, ‘don’t you have ANY savings?’ and essentially I felt bullied into spending $100 on garden supplies.
Today:
So we moved to Washington yesterday. The house is in shambles, of course, and we haven’t even got all our stuff yet.
Mori and I had to give away our dresser and sofa last-minute as they didn’t fit in the pod. We also had to trash Anya’s bed frame and dresser as they wouldn’t have survived the move.
Mori’s dad hinted he’d help replace our sofa, but what he actually meant was he’s buying a sofa for their living space. Mori’s dad also deeply scratched our TV and broke a couple of minor things but that’s our fault for not supervising the packing of those items, apparently.
Mori’s mom suggested she help pay for the bedframe for Anya’s birthday as a present. So I took her to IKEA with me today. When we got there she had forgotten all about the suggestion. I ended up buying some replacement furniture myself.
In the car on the way back I get a lecture about finding a job today because Mori and I are going to run out of money. Then she says Mori and I are ‘so hard’ to talk to about money and that we never take any advice from her. (I also get lectured about many other things).
Once we get back she sends Mori to the store to buy cleaning supplies for the *whole household*, with no mention of paying us back for any of it. Then she yelled at Mori for not immediately cleaning up after himself in the kitchen and that she likes ‘her’ house a particular way.
The kids wanted to set up a little gnome kit in the garden. I told them to ask Granny where they can set it up as this is Granny and Grandpa’s house. Mori’s mom acts all hurt and says ‘they can put it wherever! I want them to treat this as their home.’
Tl;Dr: it’s this weird seesaw of ‘don’t spend money!’ ‘Buy all this stuff!’ ‘This is MY house remember’ ‘I want you feel at home here’ and it feels like the rules are constantly being changed on us.
Unfortunately it sounds like the mother needs boundaries on what is and is not acceptable and remind her that if she isn't comfortable doing a thing, probably don't suggest to do it in the first place.
Shame her, "We both know you agreed to get the bed frame and I think it's kind of a shitty thing to do to go back on that all of a sudden or pretend you didn't say it."
And if it keeps up "you make a lot of promises to make yourself sound amazing but you never actually follow through on them"
But I would maybe do that after you guys get situated in your own place. Or, at least, you all should sit down and lay down some ground rules since you're tenants and not house guests anymore. You're going to hurt feelings, but, better theirs for being assholes than yours because they feel like they can walk all over and disrespect you since they're doing y'all a favor.
(if I'm being offensive let me know I'm not trying to be and I'm sure she's a wonderful person most of the time)
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
I don't know these people personally, but these "weird money things" sound like little power plays and manipulation by, as you said, constantly changing the rules. Playing calvinball with relationships and people's emotions is a shitty thing to do. Sorry you have to deal with it.
It's sort of like a narcissist gaslight-ish technique ("What? I never said I'd pay for bed frames what are you talking about")
The cleaning supply thing is another tactic I've seen used by my most recent ex's mom too. They get you to spend money on them because it makes them feel good and like they're in charge. They'll sometimes hide it behind "I expect you to replenish and contribute to the household supplies since you also use them." To which I'd respond "actually we have our own set of supplies"
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
+4
Options
ceresWhen the last moon is cast over the last star of morningAnd the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderatormod
she got it into her head that Anya NEEDED a fairy garden and when I balked at spending money on something so frivolous, she scoffed and said, ‘don’t you have ANY savings?’
Yes because I don't buy shit like fairy gardens on a reduced income but if she really needs one I'm sure it would make a lovely present from grandma as a "welcome home" gift
And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
+16
Options
lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
oy vey that sounds so very much like my Jewish grandmother (not necessarily the cliche, I had 1 Jewish and 1 Christian Grandmother). But to be fair, she was totally the cliche.
The guilt trips, the side talking, the asking about money, but then chiding. The telling me I was too fat, but then guilting me for not eating. The attacks on my mom for us moving away, but never coming to visit herself.
It's totally trying to reestablish a power thing again. and again. and again.
Gosh I really really hope you guys find yourselves good paying work and can get out soon. It'll be so much healthier for all 4 of you.
So I had a job interview this morning. I was contacted about the job on Monday. It was a good job, IT support for a major employer in the area. I couldn't help but get my hopes up.
The guy dismissed me without even interviewing me. I wasn't wearing a suite and tie. I wasn't wearing dress shoes. I don't have a tie. I don't have any dress shoes. So much was just lost or misplaced in the eviction. I was wearing my best clothes, khaki pants, polo shirt, and my dark colored sneakers. I have an old suite jacket in the closet that is in poor shape and at least would need to be dry cleaned and some old dress pants that don't fit me anymore. I can't afford dress shoes or dry cleaning or a tie.
I should have asked about attire. Maybe I could have borrowed the money from family in Georgia, but they are scraping by, too. When he dismissed me I just said OK and walked away. Maybe I should have tried explaining my situation. I wanted this job so badly and it's gone without any chance to prove myself.
I can't stand this anymore. I keep having hope for security dangled in front of me, only to have it snatched away. I made it home and inside the door before I simply collapsed and cried. I'm all alone. My wife is constantly ill and in her own depression. My MiL is some comfort but she is old and senile and can't really understand. There is no one I can talk too. Time and money are running out. It's all on me and it's not working. The fear and guilt and anxiety are eating me up from the inside out. I'm fighting but it's not working. I fuck up, I lose. I'm not actually good. I swear to god I'm trying, but other people try all the time and still lose. I'm smart in certain ways, but I don't understand how some of the world operates, how people operate. There is other stuff I can't put on a public forum that is gripping my heart like a fist and churning my guts
My world has shrank to taking care of my wife, taking care of my kids who are both being damaged by my depression and fuck ups. I feel cut off from the world. No news or TV or internet or movies engage me. That's all part of a world of security, of normalcy, of money. I want to feel better but I can't make my life better. I can't fight anymore today.
Depending on the outfit some nice black derby shoes can make due for dress shoes and usually only run about $25-30 for a pair that'll hold up a while if you only use them for "dress-up" occasions.
Posts
she is going to die one of these days because of it I'm sure. I just want her to take care of herself, I don't want to get that call from my aunt or uncle anytime soon... I'm not ready for that.
Sheri's mom does this sometimes, and I think she's only just now starting to get it.
back in 2014, us looking for a new place happened to coincide with Sheri's mom moving in with her new boyfriend in Virginia, so she asked us to move in until they could sell his condo, buy a house there, and sell hers down here. Pretty much all of her stuff, including furniture, stayed in the house, so in exchange for basically house-sitting for her, she gave us a good deal on rent. Which is fine, but occasionally she would try and lord it over us.
Except several aspects of the house are in disrepair, which while I'm perfectly willing to put in the labor hours, am not going to contribute one cent toward fixing, since it ain't my house. Plus the fact that most of her stuff is still here, and even if we were to move out, and would be royally screwed if we ever did move out, since she'd be eating the mortgage by herself, and the house is in no shape to be rented. So whenever she gets up in our business, we've started playing the 'fine, we'll move out then' and she changes her tune real quick.
Does she have a rational reason for not calling the doctor?
That sucks. I've got an alcoholic chain smoker of a mom, and the biggest thing I got from early therapy was that it was noooot my joobbbb to fix that. I could encourage good decisions, but I was not responsible for what another adult did. It can take a while to believe that though, but at least remind yourself from time to time. You don't deserve that weight on you.
Also on Facebook family, just hide them. Never need to see their posts and you don't have to unfriend them. You may be shocked how little you miss the couple nuggets among the filth.
Not sure if this was an early draft of yours or not, but I'd never heard of this term before and I looked it up...and holy shit, that's exactly what I had one night shortly after beginning my anxiety meds, years ago. I had had a single beer earlier with dinner, and I think it just completely messed me up with the new meds. I woke up in the middle of the night with the strangest sensation ever - an EXTREMELY uncomfortable feeling that I had to keep my legs and arms in motion. It felt like I was super on edge - the best way I can describe it is that you know how when you're about to fall or something's about to hit you, you instinctually move your arms to protect yourself? It felt like I was in that same state, but continuously, and I had no relief unless I moved my arms or legs, but the relief only lasted for as long as I was moving. This went on until I managed to fall back asleep an hour later. It was awful, and bizarre, and I had no idea what it was until just now. Wikipedia says it's a known association with SSRI's, huh! I wasn't able to find any info on it back then, but dang. Glad to have a word/explanation for what that was, at least.
The feeling is like restless leg syndrome cranked up to eleven. It can get really bad if it goes on long term. It's happened to me several times, the first time was the worst. I wound up marching around the hospital lobby in tears. They had to give me intravenous benadryl to get me to calm down.
Yeah fair point. it's just my brother and I rely on her a lot still, and she's really my only close friend these days.
If she were to die tomorrow there is no plan for us, nothing. my brother would have to get a state payee and probably go to the hospital then a group home and I'd be lucky not to end up going a similar route but ending up living out of my car on the streets.
It's impossible to talk as a family about plans for this stuff too and it's incredibly stressful.
My wife broke her leg the week of Valentine's day and is still restricted to a wheelchair. I have to do all the driving for my family. I'm not certain we could get her family to fill that role if I do get a job.
Last weekend it was discovered that yet again a drug my psychiatrist prescribed me gave me Akathisia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akathisia) and I'm in the middle of a med change for depression and I am an absolute wreck of a human being. My arms and hands literally shake with fear, I forget to eat, I've dry heaved once when the fear overwhelmed me. I'm having trouble sleeping so I feel tired all the time. I need meds to sleep, when I get to sleep I'm OK. When I wake up, I feel the weight of fear and hopelessness descend on me.
I'm still seeing my therapist and taking my meds as my doctor prescribed. I'm working with a career counselor at the same office as my psychiatrist and therapist. He says Indeed.com has given him the best results, so I started using that. I'm throwing out applications like confetti. I may wind up flipping burgers, which I'll do if I need to, but I don't know if that income would even be enough. If something does not break my way soon, I don't know what is going to happen.
This may be depression, but I'm starting to doubt myself as a human being. I've made mistakes, been irresponsible with money, I went back to school late, I wasted my early 20's. I love my family. If we wind up homeless again, I don't think there is anyone to bail us out. It's my fault for not doing enough, for being lazy, for being overall irresponsible. If I cared about my family, would we be so close to homelessness?
I don't have anywhere else to spill my guts like this. I know this isn't really the intent of this forum. Thank you for reading.
I hope your wife and son get SSI ASAP!
Ok, so first and foremost, you're not a failure!
I've seen a lot of your posts and you care! You try! You give a shit! Those are not things I associate with failures. From what you've said previously, you care a lot about providing for your family, which is a really good attribute to have, but it's also eating on you, since by not doing that you're not fulfilling yourself. And there's no easy fix to it, but you're doing all the right things. You're getting counseling. You're applying for jobs. You'll get a job!
If you didn't care about your family, you wouldn't be trying! You are not failing as a human being.
Since there was that 17-minute walkout the other day at schools to protest gun violence, my mother asked her 11 year-old niece how that went, if she did anything. Apparently she did, because my aunt, her grandmother, then told her that she should be suspended for participating.
Then she went into a rant about how awful it is to get kids indoctrinated into doing things like that. Then something about the Clintons. I kind of stopped listening, while my cousin tried to get her to stop talking about this stuff around and to her kids.
I guess she's getting worse. Doesn't even watch fox anymore, gets all her information from blogs.
Also she's joined the NRA.
I'm afraid they will turn us down for some reason. Like, I put something down wrong, or your FiL pays your bills so you don't deserve them. But it is so hard to stretch what money we have for a family of four. Nobody has a job right now.
I got a call from a company that saw my resume on some site, but it was for a job that required travel across the entire state, sometimes overnight travel. That's simply unfeasible in my situation. We only have a van and the gas cost barely made it worth it and I can't leave my family for that long because I'm the primary caretaker of my wife and kids.
I'm putting in applications for local call centers that pay tops 10 bucks an hour. No callbacks.
If you get a job right away? Great! No worries just let them know and they'll either ask for it back or you'll get a month gratis. You've paid into them your whole working life and they're specifically there for you in these situations.
This goes for everyone that finds themselves in a shit situation too.
Also ask around shelters to see if there's food drives for families in need, a lot of communities do them relatively frequently, and so do churches.
A dream I've had for many years died this afternoon - the dream that I would have my mother provide childcare for my son, while we paid for her living expenses.
My mother has some type of ADD that makes it difficult for her to keep general employment. After I got pregnant last year and her mother who she'd been caring for passed away, I invited her to Seattle so that we could do this dream - making sure both my son and my mother would be safe, and that if I worked really hard, I could pay one price to take care of both of them. She was here for the birth, helped care for me and the baby on some overnights, got herself a job to pass the time, moved in with my mother-in-law for cheap rent, and we are coming up rapidly on the end of my maternity leave. I'd thought after all that, over man conversations, there was a general understanding of what our arrangement would look like, and have been writing it up so that we can sign a thing over the past few days. And then...
My mother is in Hawaii on a visit to a friend right now, not scheduled to come back until the day before my maternity leave ends (two weeks). She calls me up and drops two bombs: 1) She would like to be paid $4 more per hour (!!) because that way she will feel "respected" and 2) she feels like it is really, really important to keep the full-time job she already has, because she wants health insurance for naturopathic care (!!), and so is claiming I said she would be a part-time caregiver (not since I ran the numbers last October!), and if I won't agree to that, well, she'll just have to work 60 hours per week until this November, poor her, and she doesn't want to spend money to apply for Medicare Part B during the last week she can get it because she just doesn't want to, even though she has an inheritance of six figures, and 3) actually insinuated that we'd taken advantage of her already with the overnights where she'd care for us, and I just...
...am really tired of this. Tired and done. Thankfully my husband agrees, even though we're going to have to eat it financially to scramble together alternative care at the last second. Also, she'd wanted to give us a large chunk of her inheritance as a down payment, but under the condition that we share the property, which I am also DONE with as an idea. I can't even imagine this, times a thousand, for the rest of our lives, FOREVER!!!
The worst part is that she thinks that we are actually negotiating... when actually... I've absolutely hit the end of my patience. (There have been other things - dragging me into her family business for the sale of the house, insinuating that she doesn't believe in vaccines, not being an entirely safe driver, that I'd been getting more and more uneasy about as well...) I lost it on her on the phone, hung up on her, and she's been texting and emailing me ways that I can decrease my hours (I can't) and that she can totally handle 60 hours a week of work at age 65 (she can't).
No, I take it back, the actual worst part is that we might still have to have her care for my baby for a little bit if we can't find care in the next two weeks. She needs to just be Grandma now... just Grandma, and preferably Grandma in a different state, where I don't call her and we don't spend Christmas together, because all that's going to be left when the tide of anger recedes is going to be... profound, utter humiliation that I ever thought this could work. That I actually introduced my in-laws to her, even asked them to live with her. That my husband has to be related to her. That I'm going to have to find her a nursing home someday. I want her to never fly back from Hawaii. I want, SO BAD, to tell her not to bother to fly back.
I am going to eat so much shit over the next year for this (maybe literally, because childcare was already going to impact our food budget at the previously agreed-upon rate) and I know I deserve it. I was a damned fool. I won't even be able to see sunlight for the remainder of this year, and I fucking deserve it. God help my poor husband.
TL;DR - I chased after a family dream that I should have known would never be. Now we have to scramble and spend lots of money, because it fell through. I'm humiliated, sad, and still completely furious. Thanks for existing, thread, so that I had a place to rant about this ^^;
There are options, especially if it's temporary and you're offering to pay something. It may not be ideal, but if you really look around you might be able to find someone to help out if you're in a real bind where you don't need to resort to someone I wouldn't necessarily trust to watch the kid long term anyway.
As for whatever may come next with my mother, at least we'll be able to construct a more honest relationship going forward.
Cute baby tax to brighten your day attached below!
I hope you find the perfect daycare soon!
And don't be afraid to drop by the parenting and kids thread as well! We talk about everything!
You're not unhinged, you're stressed. Vital difference!
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
The guy dismissed me without even interviewing me. I wasn't wearing a suite and tie. I wasn't wearing dress shoes. I don't have a tie. I don't have any dress shoes. So much was just lost or misplaced in the eviction. I was wearing my best clothes, khaki pants, polo shirt, and my dark colored sneakers. I have an old suite jacket in the closet that is in poor shape and at least would need to be dry cleaned and some old dress pants that don't fit me anymore. I can't afford dress shoes or dry cleaning or a tie.
I should have asked about attire. Maybe I could have borrowed the money from family in Georgia, but they are scraping by, too. When he dismissed me I just said OK and walked away. Maybe I should have tried explaining my situation. I wanted this job so badly and it's gone without any chance to prove myself.
I can't stand this anymore. I keep having hope for security dangled in front of me, only to have it snatched away. I made it home and inside the door before I simply collapsed and cried. I'm all alone. My wife is constantly ill and in her own depression. My MiL is some comfort but she is old and senile and can't really understand. There is no one I can talk too. Time and money are running out. It's all on me and it's not working. The fear and guilt and anxiety are eating me up from the inside out. I'm fighting but it's not working. I fuck up, I lose. I'm not actually good. I swear to god I'm trying, but other people try all the time and still lose. I'm smart in certain ways, but I don't understand how some of the world operates, how people operate. There is other stuff I can't put on a public forum that is gripping my heart like a fist and churning my guts
My world has shrank to taking care of my wife, taking care of my kids who are both being damaged by my depression and fuck ups. I feel cut off from the world. No news or TV or internet or movies engage me. That's all part of a world of security, of normalcy, of money. I want to feel better but I can't make my life better. I can't fight anymore today.
Goodwill and salvation army sometimes have interview clothes, as well as what ceres is suggesting. Look at all the programs designed to help those in need, foodstamps, food pantries, medicaid programs for the poor, anything.
My therapist mentioned they have a program with people that can help me out with getting interview clothes. I felt a little better after that. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow to address my meds. My last two med changes have had, lets say, less than optimal side effects (Akathisia and dangerously raised blood pressure). I'm a strong believer that meds are an integral part of maintaining my mental health. I know there is no magic bullet, no pill to cure depression, but meds help.
When my daughter and I got home from picking her up at school today, she opened the door with "HAPPY SPRING BREAK EVERYBODY!" Her happiness is like a hammer to my anxiety and depression. I won't deny that it chokes me up to feel her happiness when I feel so sad and overwhelmed. I will never, ever give up. I will never stop trying.
Backstory: When I was on maternity leave with Niko and had reduced income (and a hefty $ health bill) and had told Mori’s parents this, I felt as if his mom kept asking me to buy stuff to ‘test’ me, as if to say, ‘what, you didn’t anticipate emergency supply money?’ For example, she got it into her head that Anya NEEDED a fairy garden and when I balked at spending money on something so frivolous, she scoffed and said, ‘don’t you have ANY savings?’ and essentially I felt bullied into spending $100 on garden supplies.
Today:
So we moved to Washington yesterday. The house is in shambles, of course, and we haven’t even got all our stuff yet.
Mori and I had to give away our dresser and sofa last-minute as they didn’t fit in the pod. We also had to trash Anya’s bed frame and dresser as they wouldn’t have survived the move.
Mori’s dad hinted he’d help replace our sofa, but what he actually meant was he’s buying a sofa for their living space. Mori’s dad also deeply scratched our TV and broke a couple of minor things but that’s our fault for not supervising the packing of those items, apparently.
Mori’s mom suggested she help pay for the bedframe for Anya’s birthday as a present. So I took her to IKEA with me today. When we got there she had forgotten all about the suggestion. I ended up buying some replacement furniture myself.
In the car on the way back I get a lecture about finding a job today because Mori and I are going to run out of money. Then she says Mori and I are ‘so hard’ to talk to about money and that we never take any advice from her. (I also get lectured about many other things).
Once we get back she sends Mori to the store to buy cleaning supplies for the *whole household*, with no mention of paying us back for any of it. Then she yelled at Mori for not immediately cleaning up after himself in the kitchen and that she likes ‘her’ house a particular way.
The kids wanted to set up a little gnome kit in the garden. I told them to ask Granny where they can set it up as this is Granny and Grandpa’s house. Mori’s mom acts all hurt and says ‘they can put it wherever! I want them to treat this as their home.’
Tl;Dr: it’s this weird seesaw of ‘don’t spend money!’ ‘Buy all this stuff!’ ‘This is MY house remember’ ‘I want you feel at home here’ and it feels like the rules are constantly being changed on us.
Shame her, "We both know you agreed to get the bed frame and I think it's kind of a shitty thing to do to go back on that all of a sudden or pretend you didn't say it."
And if it keeps up "you make a lot of promises to make yourself sound amazing but you never actually follow through on them"
But I would maybe do that after you guys get situated in your own place. Or, at least, you all should sit down and lay down some ground rules since you're tenants and not house guests anymore. You're going to hurt feelings, but, better theirs for being assholes than yours because they feel like they can walk all over and disrespect you since they're doing y'all a favor.
(if I'm being offensive let me know I'm not trying to be and I'm sure she's a wonderful person most of the time)
The cleaning supply thing is another tactic I've seen used by my most recent ex's mom too. They get you to spend money on them because it makes them feel good and like they're in charge. They'll sometimes hide it behind "I expect you to replenish and contribute to the household supplies since you also use them." To which I'd respond "actually we have our own set of supplies"
Yes because I don't buy shit like fairy gardens on a reduced income but if she really needs one I'm sure it would make a lovely present from grandma as a "welcome home" gift
The guilt trips, the side talking, the asking about money, but then chiding. The telling me I was too fat, but then guilting me for not eating. The attacks on my mom for us moving away, but never coming to visit herself.
It's totally trying to reestablish a power thing again. and again. and again.
Gosh I really really hope you guys find yourselves good paying work and can get out soon. It'll be so much healthier for all 4 of you.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
Depending on the outfit some nice black derby shoes can make due for dress shoes and usually only run about $25-30 for a pair that'll hold up a while if you only use them for "dress-up" occasions.