I just started Hinge yesterday, for shits and giggles. A couple of conversations, it seems pretty good. You can also like someone's question response and start a conversation that way.
How do I post pictures of Whinnie the Pooh with bible verses to people's pages?
Oh you needn't bother doing that when all of the Chick Tracts are online nowadays.
But you absolutely should comment on every photo of a bearded man and rate their beard on a totally arbitrary scale of famous people with beards, making sure to never use the same famous person's name twice so as not to give away the obtusity of the scale.
So my relationship is edging closer and closer to being not only poly on paper, but not from my end
still not entirely unterrified at that whole idea but honestly it feels like it's putting a lot of spice between us and making us grow closer so far
and I'm not at all the jealous type, on paper, but I still feel like I might betray myself, but I don't know, because I've never been in that situation
and I'm not exactly doing a thing on my side to balance it out so I don't know how that happens either
anyway I'm just throwing up words in a thread I don't usually super hang out in, hi
Met my girlfriend's dad. She was super nervous because he hasn't liked many of her friends, but he seemed cool with me. We went to an aquarium and I learned that my girlfriend fucking LOVES animals, especially sloths but more especially otters. She and I stared as the otters played with one another, and I swear those things are like ocean dogs they are so adorable.
Follow up, girlfriend's dad (who she says doesn't like most people) told her mom that I "seem like a good guy" which is apparently very good.
Honestly I can't stop thinking about the pasta we had for dinner that night though. It was so fucking good and I am craving to go back there.
I feel like my worries are a little bit the romantic equivalent of first-world problems considering they're about me and the woman I love and share my life with just... wanting to take MORE love into our lives. I dunno. I guess things ARE going pretty well if that's my biggest problem!
Actually I find that being in a poly relationship involves fewer compromises, since you can now get help to fulfill all your partner's needs instead of trying to do it as best you can solo. And vice versa. As long as you're all honest with each other and truly compatible with this type of relationship, it's pretty straightforward really.
And Mori, I feel the same sentiment toward having kids! Both very valid lifestyle choices!
Yeah the kids are largely why we have so little time to spend together, haha
Mori’s not dissing poly relationships! Actually I went on a date last year with his full support, but I know what he means because I had a hard enough time scheduling the date in the first place.
Oh yeah I wasn’t saying poly relationships are bad
It’s just with kids and a long commute during the week, and wanting to spend weekends not doing much of anything, would make it hard to pursue a poly thing
Most evenings Janson and I don’t have any time together until after 10 PM!
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BroloBroseidonLord of the BroceanRegistered Userregular
Actually I find that being in a poly relationship involves fewer compromises, since you can now get help to fulfill all your partner's needs instead of trying to do it as best you can solo. And vice versa. As long as you're all honest with each other and truly compatible with this type of relationship, it's pretty straightforward really.
And Mori, I feel the same sentiment toward having kids! Both very valid lifestyle choices!
I think i'd just have difficulties with some of the logistical concerns:
how do you split the costs of things?
how do we manage the division of labor/chores/housework?
who ends up being the primary caregiver for the children? does everyone agree as to how to raise the children?
where do we live, and how much time do we all spend together?
how many christmases/thanksgivings/summer vacations do we spend with each of our sets of parents?
I guess those seem more complicated in the abstract, but in practice you deal with them the same as you would any other question like this, in any kind of relationship.. Talk about it until you reach a solution that works for everyone. People value things differently, so there's never really going to be quick math for it.
And yeah M&J, I figured that was the case.. I wasn't throwing shade at having kids either. If anything, I'm happy the two of you are doing something so fulfilling with your lives. Y'all seem like great people!
I mean hell I'm having a hard time figuring out when I'd even be able to date just one person, right now!
I mean they're welcome to hang out while I clean my apartment but I have suspicions this may not be very exciting to the observer. Or the cleaner, for that matter.
How does one do an adult relationship?? This was all so much easier when I had an entire season of freedom
High school aged ND didn't know how good she had it
+9
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PiptheFairFrequently not in boats.Registered Userregular
Relationships are a sham perpetrated by big flower to sell carnations whenever a dude fucks up
+3
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PiptheFairFrequently not in boats.Registered Userregular
The kids are away tonight so I came home early to clean so Mori and I can relax and... after 4 hours I’ve only just finished the kids’ room and changed our bedding, doh.
The lady I went on a date with has two kids and three longterm partners and I don’t know how she manages it... but granted, her house is pretty messy and I think housework is one of the things that falls somewhat by the wayside. Whereas for me having a clean house is important to my mental health so I tend to prioritize it over other things
Man teenage Juggs was a fat, reclusive weirdo with bad hair and terrible acne who never went on dates and now adult Juggs is a slightly more streamlined, reclusive weirdo with better hair but works too much to ever go on dates.
JedocIn the scupperswith the staggers and jagsRegistered Userregular
You already got one. It's called "earning wages."
Remember how unfathomably broke you were in high school? It's been years since I had to beg and/or threaten a close acquaintance so they'd buy me a gas station burrito.
Remember how unfathomably broke you were in high school? It's been years since I had to beg and/or threaten a close acquaintance so they'd buy me a gas station burrito.
The practical side of our poly relationship is highly theoretical right now, too. It doesn’t really require anything more than a mono relationship since it seems to consist mostly of me doing nothing, and her sometimes flirting with people, turning herself on, and then I’m there.
The last lady I felt real strongly about was living that polyamory life, and while I respect anyone that can make that work, it was a hard out for me, no matter how fond of her I was
It's just too many extra variables, and I can barely handle the ones I already got
Remember how unfathomably broke you were in high school? It's been years since I had to beg and/or threaten a close acquaintance so they'd buy me a gas station burrito.
Well. Months, certainly.
Tuesday, Jedoc. For you it was Tuesday.
And you totally stonewalled me on the burrito, you miser!
Remember how unfathomably broke you were in high school? It's been years since I had to beg and/or threaten a close acquaintance so they'd buy me a gas station burrito.
Well. Months, certainly.
Tuesday, Jedoc. For you it was Tuesday.
And you totally stonewalled me on the burrito, you miser!
I offered you a taquito!
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WeaverWho are you?What do you want?Registered Userregular
Girlfriend is staying over tonight. I'm planning on getting up early, cooking us up a hearty breakfast, and then going a day trip out to the mountains tomorrow.
+9
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Tynnanseldom correct, never unsureRegistered Userregular
Girlfriend is staying over tonight. I'm planning on getting up early, cooking us up a hearty breakfast, and then going a day trip out to the mountains tomorrow.
Out hunting golden larches?
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WACriminalDying Is Easy, Young ManLiving Is HarderRegistered Userregular
Partner and I have actually been struggling with the poly stuff, among other things, lately. If we're talking about poly I'll talk about my experiences so far. Massive word vomit spoilered I guess.
Putting thoughts into numbered lists helps me structure my thoughts. Yes, I know I could just use paragraphs, but the numbers help my brain.
1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?
2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"
3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.
4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.
5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.
6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.
7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.
Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!
Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.
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Mojo_JojoWe are only now beginning to understand the full power and ramifications of sexual intercourseRegistered Userregular
Partner and I have actually been struggling with the poly stuff, among other things, lately. If we're talking about poly I'll talk about my experiences so far. Massive word vomit spoilered I guess.
Putting thoughts into numbered lists helps me structure my thoughts. Yes, I know I could just use paragraphs, but the numbers help my brain.
1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?
2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"
3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.
4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.
5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.
6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.
7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.
Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!
Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.
This sounds less like it's about poly issues and more about the fundamental dynamic in the relationship where you work to fully support the pair of you and then act as a primary carer in your "free" time. I can fully understand why you might feel resentful about things but I don't think defaulting to thinking you're in the wrong is the best thing.
Sorry that's probably spectacularly unhelpful
Homogeneous distribution of your varieties of amuse-gueule
+9
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WACriminalDying Is Easy, Young ManLiving Is HarderRegistered Userregular
Partner and I have actually been struggling with the poly stuff, among other things, lately. If we're talking about poly I'll talk about my experiences so far. Massive word vomit spoilered I guess.
Putting thoughts into numbered lists helps me structure my thoughts. Yes, I know I could just use paragraphs, but the numbers help my brain.
1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?
2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"
3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.
4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.
5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.
6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.
7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.
Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!
Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.
This sounds less like it's about poly issues and more about the fundamental dynamic in the relationship where you work to fully support the pair of you and then act as a primary carer in your "free" time. I can fully understand why you might feel resentful about things but I don't think defaulting to thinking you're in the wrong is the best thing.
Sorry that's probably spectacularly unhelpful
You're not wrong, though I would say where it overlaps is my fear that I'll become "the work/support/emergency partner" and her other(s) will become "the fun partner(s)". Not really sure how to go about addressing that, given that I'm not in a place yet where I could emotionally deal with structuring my finances, scheduling, etc. around a third partner. If I'm not emotionally able to deal with someone else doing the "work/support/emergency" stuff, and Partner isn't physically able to do that stuff, then that just leaves me. Which is where it comes back to my realization that, basically, my own emotional hang-ups are the central problem here, it's just gonna take some time to figure my way around them.
I find a relationship with one other person to be exhausting enough that I couldn't imagine the kind of emotional fatigue I would experience in a poly relationship. It sounds very tiresome.
Remember how unfathomably broke you were in high school? It's been years since I had to beg and/or threaten a close acquaintance so they'd buy me a gas station burrito.
Posts
It's where I met my fiancée!
Wow. So basically, pics or it wouldn't have happened.
Make sure to ask whether gramma's piles have gotten any better
protip: do not do this if you are located in china
Try not to get hit by a bus.
Oh you needn't bother doing that when all of the Chick Tracts are online nowadays.
But you absolutely should comment on every photo of a bearded man and rate their beard on a totally arbitrary scale of famous people with beards, making sure to never use the same famous person's name twice so as not to give away the obtusity of the scale.
Also fuck you Google, obtusity is a word.
“Obtusion”
still not entirely unterrified at that whole idea but honestly it feels like it's putting a lot of spice between us and making us grow closer so far
and I'm not at all the jealous type, on paper, but I still feel like I might betray myself, but I don't know, because I've never been in that situation
and I'm not exactly doing a thing on my side to balance it out so I don't know how that happens either
anyway I'm just throwing up words in a thread I don't usually super hang out in, hi
Follow up, girlfriend's dad (who she says doesn't like most people) told her mom that I "seem like a good guy" which is apparently very good.
Honestly I can't stop thinking about the pasta we had for dinner that night though. It was so fucking good and I am craving to go back there.
@Janson and I barely have time to spend with each other!
I feel like making compromises between two adults is doable, but adding a third person or more into that would be a lot more difficult to mediate
And Mori, I feel the same sentiment toward having kids! Both very valid lifestyle choices!
Mori’s not dissing poly relationships! Actually I went on a date last year with his full support, but I know what he means because I had a hard enough time scheduling the date in the first place.
It’s just with kids and a long commute during the week, and wanting to spend weekends not doing much of anything, would make it hard to pursue a poly thing
Most evenings Janson and I don’t have any time together until after 10 PM!
I think i'd just have difficulties with some of the logistical concerns:
how do you split the costs of things?
how do we manage the division of labor/chores/housework?
who ends up being the primary caregiver for the children? does everyone agree as to how to raise the children?
where do we live, and how much time do we all spend together?
how many christmases/thanksgivings/summer vacations do we spend with each of our sets of parents?
And yeah M&J, I figured that was the case.. I wasn't throwing shade at having kids either. If anything, I'm happy the two of you are doing something so fulfilling with your lives. Y'all seem like great people!
I mean they're welcome to hang out while I clean my apartment but I have suspicions this may not be very exciting to the observer. Or the cleaner, for that matter.
How does one do an adult relationship?? This was all so much easier when I had an entire season of freedom
High school aged ND didn't know how good she had it
The lady I went on a date with has two kids and three longterm partners and I don’t know how she manages it... but granted, her house is pretty messy and I think housework is one of the things that falls somewhat by the wayside. Whereas for me having a clean house is important to my mental health so I tend to prioritize it over other things
I want a refund!
Remember how unfathomably broke you were in high school? It's been years since I had to beg and/or threaten a close acquaintance so they'd buy me a gas station burrito.
Well. Months, certainly.
Tuesday, Jedoc. For you it was Tuesday.
It’s a pretty good deal so far?
It's just too many extra variables, and I can barely handle the ones I already got
And you totally stonewalled me on the burrito, you miser!
I offered you a taquito!
Out hunting golden larches?
1. She has a lot of health issues, and as a result both doesn't have a job and often doesn't have energy to do things like dishes, laundry, etc. The non-employment things that have to get done to keep the gears of our lives from grinding to a halt. I work overtime every week at my job Because Bills(TM), and I do my best to take care of things at the house too, but I'm super-aware that I'm falling short on a regular basis. Like, I've got my own depression and insomnia and anxiety and ADHD, but one of us has to hold down the financial income end of things I guess?
2. Recent events with her health have indicated that we may be in for more troubles in the next few years. The blood tests and whatnot so far have indicated that she may be experiencing some sort of liver damage and (of course) possibly even liver failure. She doesn't drink, so it's not that, but the doctors haven't really said anything more helpful than a shrug. She's also been experiencing high levels of sleepiness and exhaustion, along with steadily worsening muscle spasms, which let me tell you as scary symptoms go, that one's up there. The whole thing has prompted us to have conversations about the hypothetical, "If things were to take a turn for the very-much-worse in the next few years, how would we want to have spent that time before it happens?"
3. When we first got together, we talked about the fact that she was poly-oriented. At the time, we sorta settled on the idea that we both wanted to try monogamy for a while and see how things shook out, really get a solid foundation built with just us, and then eventually branch out into experimenting with poly relationships but with each other as our primary partnership. At the time, I think we batted around the vague timeframe of "5-10 years into our marriage". But now, with the liver stuff, we decided that putting things off was, in general, not a great strategy for life, so we agreed to open up our relationship, with the understanding that it was going to take a lot of emotional work for both of us to feel safe. Our 3rd anniversary is next month.
4. Our first foray into things did not go well for either of us, really. She had an online friend she had been attracted to for a little while, so they started flirting and then Friend came to visit for her birthday. Without going into all the details, over the course of the visit it became clear that Partner and I had clearly misinterpreted each other's needs in this situation. I needed things to feel emotionally safe that she wasn't prepared to give, and vice-versa. We were even able to trace the misunderstandings back to specific verbiage in our conversations that we each understood differently, and thought we were agreeing to different things. On what was supposed to be a night where Partner and Friend really spent some intense time together, we ended up sending Friend away instead because of how much misunderstanding was coming to light.
5. Partner has since broken things off completely with Friend, because the emotional minefield was just too complex due to how the visit went down. She admits that she feels some bitterness towards me over it, just like I feel some bitterness towards her over how unsafe I was made to feel and how much pressure I was put under to handle everything on such a compressed timetable, even though we both rationally recognize that neither of us was truly at fault in any significant way. So that's just something we're both navigating.
6. I'm struggling with a lot of jealousy over the entire thing, both in the usual romantic jealousy sense and the sense that I'm jealous OF Partner for having the freedom to explore in this way. I have a lot of unfair thoughts, like, "If you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything nice for me, and you don't ever have the time or energy to do anything helpful around the house, how do you have the time or energy to pursue a whole other relationship? Meanwhile, I'm over here working 50 hours a week AND doing all the driving AND going to doctor's appointments with you AND cooking for you when I get home after work because you didn't eat anything all day and you're too hungry to get your own food AND we're spending money on your tattoo and your wardrobe change and your fancy haircuts AND AND AND." Like, I'm not typing that all out to complain about Partner, because I genuinely don't think those are fair thoughts -- for starters, she didn't choose to be sick and tired all the time, or to have an eating disorder that fucks up her ability to eat on a schedule, or to have a disability that keeps employers from wanting to hire her. Like basically none of these things are in any way her fault, and it's not fair to make them her responsibility. But just like...if we're opening up our relationship, maybe I would want to date too (because, like her, I have emotional needs and wants and such that just aren't getting met) and the reality is that I just can't. I couldn't possibly manage a second relationship, even a casual one, with the combination of things I'm expected to manage as part of this much more important one. And it's hard to reconcile those two thoughts, right? Like, "It's OK that I am not allowed to have the energy or time to pursue things that would make me happy, because I have responsibilities to take care of both myself and my partner (who DOES apparently have the energy and time to pursue things to make herself happy, but not the energy or time to help me with our shared life management)." I've been working between 48 and 60 hours a week for a year and a half now. I'm tired. I'm at the point where I'm having difficulty imagining ever NOT feeling tired again. I've stopped attending church, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped playing board games. All because I just don't have time and energy to sustain any sort of regular activity beyond the stuff I absolutely have to do to keep us both fed, clothed, and sheltered.
7. I've promised Partner that my reaction to the visit with Friend is not going to be a recurring thing, that I'm doing the emotional work I need to do to avoid a similar breakdown if she continues to explore with other people. But a huge part of me is just terrified, because after her first day hanging out with Friend, we sat down to have a conversation about what made us each feel safe and unsafe, excited and disappointed about our respective experiences that day. And somehow we got to where she was basically berating me because she feels bad about asking things from me, but not about asking things from Friend. And I can fully recognize that, yeah, if you read the above paragraph, you can imagine that at times I'm probably pretty grumpy or exhausted or ungenerous about doing things for her. I try my best, but I can admit that I'm not always Mr. Sunshine when, like, I get off a 12-hours workday and come home to find out she hasn't eaten anything all day and needs me to cook dinner for her. And it's legitimate for her to be hurt by my demeanor in those situations. But I also feel like it's pretty naive of her to be, like...surprised? When a new romantic partner who's coming into town for a few days is more excited about doing things with/for her than I am after ~3 years of marriage that's been largely characterized by crisis, labor, and grief. It's a "greener grass" thing in a way, isn't it? And even that would be fine, except it seemed like she wasn't just praising Friend's behavior, but condemning mine. That's the part that hurts.
Anyway, long story short is that I feel poly relationships are not bad, but they can be very hard. You may notice that this statement could also apply to monogamous relationships, or to solitude!
Also if anyone has advice on how to be a better person who isn't such an emotional ball and chain to Partner, I would take it, LOL. Clearly not doing this right on my own.
This sounds less like it's about poly issues and more about the fundamental dynamic in the relationship where you work to fully support the pair of you and then act as a primary carer in your "free" time. I can fully understand why you might feel resentful about things but I don't think defaulting to thinking you're in the wrong is the best thing.
Sorry that's probably spectacularly unhelpful
You're not wrong, though I would say where it overlaps is my fear that I'll become "the work/support/emergency partner" and her other(s) will become "the fun partner(s)". Not really sure how to go about addressing that, given that I'm not in a place yet where I could emotionally deal with structuring my finances, scheduling, etc. around a third partner. If I'm not emotionally able to deal with someone else doing the "work/support/emergency" stuff, and Partner isn't physically able to do that stuff, then that just leaves me. Which is where it comes back to my realization that, basically, my own emotional hang-ups are the central problem here, it's just gonna take some time to figure my way around them.
Money is not real