you def. look like a girl now
That said it's also entirely possible and not weird to still feel like shit even if others think you look great. Totally valid, as they say. It'd be nice if external validation alone made your brain feel better but it's never that simple.
+10
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
I'm at 1 year 11 months and I feel like about 6 months ago a switch was flipped, where just enough small changes added up to get me read correctly all (I think) the time. Since then I haven't detected much change at all. Except my hairline continues to march a slow, cowardly retreat.
+24
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jaziekBad at everythingAnd mad about it.Registered Userregular
thank you all for the kind words.
And yeah, I wasn't expecting HRT to just instantly fix all my other mental health issues, and now that I don't have the constant overwhelming fear and anxiety about coming out / starting transition hanging over me like it has for the last 5+ years, I just have more headspace to deal with other things.
This is good, in that I'm actually figuring out myself a bit better now, and getting to grips with the way my brain works rather than just ignoring and running away from my problems. On the other hand... dealing with these issues is hard and emotionally taxing, and atually having emotions is not something I am used to!
And yeah, I wasn't expecting HRT to just instantly fix all my other mental health issues, and now that I don't have the constant overwhelming fear and anxiety about coming out / starting transition hanging over me like it has for the last 5+ years, I just have more headspace to deal with other things.
This is good, in that I'm actually figuring out myself a bit better now, and getting to grips with the way my brain works rather than just ignoring and running away from my problems. On the other hand... dealing with these issues is hard and emotionally taxing, and atually having emotions is not something I am used to!
I think you also--and hopefully I'm not out of line in saying this--happened to start out (from those pictures) with a very transition-friendly face! Cute eyelashes and nose shape especially; I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that people had given you shit in the past about looking feminine while you were presenting as 'male'.
So when you see some similarity to your past self (and as everyone else has said, you may look similar but *certainly* not the same) you are probably seeing some similarity to features that already read as feminine.
But holy shit it is so hard to feel confident about presentation, I absolutely empathize. I had to resist the urge here to be very negative about my own transition progress; if I step back and try to think about it, I don't think it actually makes sense for me to be negative about how I look. But that is my initial gut reaction still and it's been over two years now. I plan on doing some mental work to feel more positive though!
credeiki on
Steam, LoL: credeiki
+6
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jaziekBad at everythingAnd mad about it.Registered Userregular
And yeah, I wasn't expecting HRT to just instantly fix all my other mental health issues, and now that I don't have the constant overwhelming fear and anxiety about coming out / starting transition hanging over me like it has for the last 5+ years, I just have more headspace to deal with other things.
This is good, in that I'm actually figuring out myself a bit better now, and getting to grips with the way my brain works rather than just ignoring and running away from my problems. On the other hand... dealing with these issues is hard and emotionally taxing, and atually having emotions is not something I am used to!
I think you also--and hopefully I'm not out of line in saying this--happened to start out (from those pictures) with a very transition-friendly face! Cute eyelashes and nose shape especially; I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that people had given you shit in the past about looking feminine while you were presenting as 'male'.
you're not wrong. The amount of times I got "are you wearing mascara?" from people pre coming out. Not even in a malicious way, just like.. my lashes are naturally pretty nice I guess.
My hair loss hasn't stopped even with completely nuked testosterone levels, so I feel especially crap about that.
That is crap, I hope it eventually reverses for you
Some hair loss treatments can initially cause increased shedding - as old hairs get replaced by new ones - but I don't know if the same can be true for HRT
Just had a simultaneously sad and comforting realization. I haven't really had a safe queer space IRL until about... six or seven years ago? And for the longest time I've been beating myself up about knowing I was trans 15 years ago yet NOT doing much about it until recently. Now I am out at work, have quite a few IRL queer friends, and have legally changed my name.
My hair loss hasn't stopped even with completely nuked testosterone levels, so I feel especially crap about that.
That is crap, I hope it eventually reverses for you
Some hair loss treatments can initially cause increased shedding - as old hairs get replaced by new ones - but I don't know if the same can be true for HRT
Everything is unfortunately a drawn-out process
It can. This is a thing for some girls.
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
Hair loss is a bastard, I didn't do anything about mine for too long so now if I have my hair tied back you can see that my hairline is the same shape as the front of early Megaman's helmet. Seriously, this widow's peak should have a guardrail around it, it's unsafe. But hey.. it is what it is.
I've had a couple of sessions with a speech pathologist that specialises in helping trans people, who's been very positive and encouraging and apparently I'm able to hit all the right tones pretty easily even though I have a relatively deep voice by default. Unfortunately I'm one of those people who takes failure extremely badly and doing the homework is giving me real bad braintimes. I'm not immediately good at it therefore I'm [redacted bad braintimes, you know]. So that's not been great, but I'm working on being positive about it and trying to like.. actually change my voice conversationally. Which is also hard.. I hate hate hate being observed, and I can't help but feel under the microscope every time I do something 'out'.
Anyway, for Aussies in here, you can get 5 sessions/year free with a speech pathologist. I got a referral to here, your GP can sort it out for you via a GP plan. She does it all via video link and works late, so even though we're 3 hours apart in timezones it works out.
Just had a simultaneously sad and comforting realization. I haven't really had a safe queer space IRL until about... six or seven years ago? And for the longest time I've been beating myself up about knowing I was trans 15 years ago yet NOT doing much about it until recently. Now I am out at work, have quite a few IRL queer friends, and have legally changed my name.
Yeah, I had a similar trajectory. Knew for a fact that I could never be happy without being a girl by early 2003 (after ruminating on the subject intensively for another year or two before that), and then proceeded to not hear a single honest fact about how transitioning works until I randomly stumbled on Metalborne's original thread here on SE++ in 2013 (with another couple years to go until I actually managed to start).
It can be tough to deal with the knowledge that so much of your past was taken from you, but it doesn't mean that you can't have a future.
As much as things have...not really gotten all that much better out in the world, really, at the very least I think the closeted trans kids of today are a lot more likely to find their way to the information they need than we were.
yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.
yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.
there wasn't honestly much info before then because no one talked about it, like, ever, at all.
the 90s and early 00s were fucking rough for the LGBs, the Ts were even worse off. everyone was basically hiding.
growing up with lesbian parents in the 90s was fucking hard.
i couldn't have friends over to my house without a lot of vetting! because they might find out and make things awful.
I was hard stopped by family in the 90's and made to hate myself over and over again so that I couldn't come out until I was 40.
The 90s sucked.
I mean all 40 of those years did.
But. . .
I am happy now. And that is all I choose to let matter.. I can't change what was done to me or me being so broken by it that I wouldn't get strong enough for a long while.
I walked into my transition like I was out of a cannon and I let nothing stop me now. My resolve was forged in those years.
And I am happy now
Seidkona on
Mostly just huntin' monsters.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
I didn't know. Religion and general conservative brainwashing left me feeling like the world was wrong, but it was my fault.
I survived by building an agender identity for myself in my teen years, though I lacked the vocabulary and context to know what I was doing. I rejected masculinity outright in a conversation with myself, but I refused to allow myself to embrace femininity.
To this day I don't know whether that worked for me because I'm girlflux, or if I'm girlflux because I did that for so long.
Threads here helped me finally realize what was going on with me.
Triptycho: A card-and-dice tabletop indie RPG currently in development and playtesting
yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.
It was very specifically the advent of Caitlyn Jenner that did it. I don't know why, but for some reason that was the singular thing that flipped the switch in the public consciousness from "transness is a joke you occasionally see in bad movies" to "trans people are an actual thing that exists in real life".
Switch: SW-2431-2728-9604 || 3DS: 0817-4948-1650
+12
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DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
I used to be obsessed with a certain kind of beardy manliness (which is either indicative of or the cause of my thing for bears)
but I got older and less annoying and now it's just like, I have a beard because of beard momentum and the fact that I'd rather be "GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD" than "that baby-faced Dollar Store Kingpin".
I've got acne, which is fucked. I had a perfect smooth beautiful face until I turned like, 19. So anyway, I've learnt the subtle, practical, tactical applications of foundation and concealer and skin care and stuff, mostly from my sister teaching me or me stealing her make-up.
yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.
It was very specifically the advent of Caitlyn Jenner that did it. I don't know why, but for some reason that was the singular thing that flipped the switch in the public consciousness from "transness is a joke you occasionally see in bad movies" to "trans people are an actual thing that exists in real life".
Which sucks because Jenner is a terrible person whereas Laverne Cox had been acting for years as an out actress, but I guess it doesn’t count unless they’re white.
yeah accurate information on this shit did not exist in public consciousness before the 2010s for whatever reason, the DSM changes around then might have had something to do with that, not sure.
It was very specifically the advent of Caitlyn Jenner that did it. I don't know why, but for some reason that was the singular thing that flipped the switch in the public consciousness from "transness is a joke you occasionally see in bad movies" to "trans people are an actual thing that exists in real life".
Which sucks because Jenner is a terrible person whereas Laverne Cox had been acting for years as an out actress, but I guess it doesn’t count unless they’re white.
Jenner had a definitive place carved in the Boomer zeitgeist that had been refreshed a fair bit by their association with the Kardashians before coming out.
Cox is a talented actress on a streaming service show.
Jenner is a person a ton of people knew of before coming out and it made the whole thing carry a certain weight, fairly or not.
It's the difference between Sonny or Cher coming out as trans vs their kid who was never in the limelight.
RedTide#1907 on Battle.net
Come Overwatch with meeeee
Mx. QuillI now prefer "Myr. Quill", actually...{They/Them}Registered Userregular
So my doctor wants me to come in on Saturday to check on something:
My nipples discharge a teeny amount of clear liquid if pressed down on for a bit.
I've read that that is to be expected while on estradiol and spiro, but they mostly wanna doublecheck to make sure they don't have to adjust the dosage.
i'm real glad i've got some good friends, and I was able to come home and hug my housemate and cry and talk with some of my other friends over the phone
i actually finally had my followup appointment with the gp (who is still an absolutely angel) and i've actually got a script for estrogen now
i've still got to sort out some shit with sperm freezing, and i was always gonna try and talk to my parents about things before i got started on taking e.
but if we're gonna talk honestly and "authentically" then i need to be able to be open and vulnerable and i'm not gonna do that when i'm talking to someone who's trying to say whatever they can to hurt me
i'm glad my brother's gonna be around to talk to them in the next couple days. I'mma spend that time with my friends
The thing you also should keep in the back of your mind is that you also don’t owe your parents anything, particularly your love, if they don’t reciprocate.
They decided to have you. Raising you and loving you is the bare minimum expectation of a parent. If they can’t meet that exceedingly low bar, then that’s on them.
Of course, you’re welcome to work on it with them, and it would be nice if they come around eventually.
Don’t destroy your own self worth, identity and love because they won’t do their fuckin job
The thing you also should keep in the back of your mind is that you also don’t owe your parents anything, particularly your love, if they don’t reciprocate.
They decided to have you. Raising you and loving you is the bare minimum expectation of a parent. If they can’t meet that exceedingly low bar, then that’s on them.
Of course, you’re welcome to work on it with them, and it would be nice if they come around eventually.
Don’t destroy your own self worth, identity and love because they won’t do their fuckin job
i'm hoping it won't come to that
even with the vitriol of last night, i'm hoping it won't come to that
Sometimes people change (some of my religious childhood friends from the backwards country we're all from did a U turn in their attitudes after I came out to them and we talked things over)
But, if someone's being hurtful or abusive, completely agree that it's better to step back and not let them cause harm
(I've had to do that recently with someone I care about deeply & know it sucks, hang in there @Tef and @Lalabox
There are some people in my family circle I think I'll never come out to - I know how prejudiced they are, we're not close and I don't feel any responsibility for educating/changing them... IDK, maybe it's not a good thing as I've never given them a chance?
: /
my mum texted me the following day saying that she hoped i was ok. I told her that it was going to take some time
just now i sent her the following message:
I've wanted to talk about this so much. I know you needed some time after i first came out to you, but the silence after that conversation really got to me.
I want you to understand and be able to come down this journey with me. My own silence on being trans has been eating away at me for years, it's the greatest regret of my twenties. I was never going to start transitioning without talking to you. I saw so many people and went so far down this road so i could be prepared for conversations, so i could say i had a diagnosis, so i could say i've spent a long time talking to professionals and so i had a good idea of what exactly this entails.
But if we're going to talk honestly and "authentically" about my relationship with gender, then i need to be able to open and vulnerable. And i'm not going to do that just to expose myself to some of the cruelest and most hurtful words that have ever been said to me.
I'm taking some time to spend with my loving friends and my support networks. I want to talk, but i don't want to get into a bad faith conversation.
a lot of what she was saying at the time was that she didn't understand and didn't "see it" with me, because she'd known me for all my life. That it didn't feel authentic, and she made some comments about the "zeitgeist".
but she wasn't the one who was snapping at me, and just saying whatever she could to hurt me
Posts
This is a marathon and not a sprint.
It just keeps getting better, I promise.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
It's a lie.
Look at your cheekbones, girl! That's incredible progress for 6 months.
Also things really hit their stride around 18 months, but YMMV, you're already doing amazing!
That said it's also entirely possible and not weird to still feel like shit even if others think you look great. Totally valid, as they say. It'd be nice if external validation alone made your brain feel better but it's never that simple.
thank you all for the kind words.
And yeah, I wasn't expecting HRT to just instantly fix all my other mental health issues, and now that I don't have the constant overwhelming fear and anxiety about coming out / starting transition hanging over me like it has for the last 5+ years, I just have more headspace to deal with other things.
This is good, in that I'm actually figuring out myself a bit better now, and getting to grips with the way my brain works rather than just ignoring and running away from my problems. On the other hand... dealing with these issues is hard and emotionally taxing, and atually having emotions is not something I am used to!
I think you also--and hopefully I'm not out of line in saying this--happened to start out (from those pictures) with a very transition-friendly face! Cute eyelashes and nose shape especially; I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that people had given you shit in the past about looking feminine while you were presenting as 'male'.
So when you see some similarity to your past self (and as everyone else has said, you may look similar but *certainly* not the same) you are probably seeing some similarity to features that already read as feminine.
But holy shit it is so hard to feel confident about presentation, I absolutely empathize. I had to resist the urge here to be very negative about my own transition progress; if I step back and try to think about it, I don't think it actually makes sense for me to be negative about how I look. But that is my initial gut reaction still and it's been over two years now. I plan on doing some mental work to feel more positive though!
you're not wrong. The amount of times I got "are you wearing mascara?" from people pre coming out. Not even in a malicious way, just like.. my lashes are naturally pretty nice I guess.
So yeah. I know logically that is not true but it's a struggle and reminding myself that it takes time does help calm that a lot for me.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
That is crap, I hope it eventually reverses for you
Some hair loss treatments can initially cause increased shedding - as old hairs get replaced by new ones - but I don't know if the same can be true for HRT
Everything is unfortunately a drawn-out process
I've had a couple of sessions with a speech pathologist that specialises in helping trans people, who's been very positive and encouraging and apparently I'm able to hit all the right tones pretty easily even though I have a relatively deep voice by default. Unfortunately I'm one of those people who takes failure extremely badly and doing the homework is giving me real bad braintimes. I'm not immediately good at it therefore I'm [redacted bad braintimes, you know]. So that's not been great, but I'm working on being positive about it and trying to like.. actually change my voice conversationally. Which is also hard.. I hate hate hate being observed, and I can't help but feel under the microscope every time I do something 'out'.
Anyway, for Aussies in here, you can get 5 sessions/year free with a speech pathologist. I got a referral to here, your GP can sort it out for you via a GP plan. She does it all via video link and works late, so even though we're 3 hours apart in timezones it works out.
It can be tough to deal with the knowledge that so much of your past was taken from you, but it doesn't mean that you can't have a future.
As much as things have...not really gotten all that much better out in the world, really, at the very least I think the closeted trans kids of today are a lot more likely to find their way to the information they need than we were.
there wasn't honestly much info before then because no one talked about it, like, ever, at all.
the 90s and early 00s were fucking rough for the LGBs, the Ts were even worse off. everyone was basically hiding.
growing up with lesbian parents in the 90s was fucking hard.
i couldn't have friends over to my house without a lot of vetting! because they might find out and make things awful.
I was hard stopped by family in the 90's and made to hate myself over and over again so that I couldn't come out until I was 40.
The 90s sucked.
I mean all 40 of those years did.
But. . .
I am happy now. And that is all I choose to let matter.. I can't change what was done to me or me being so broken by it that I wouldn't get strong enough for a long while.
I walked into my transition like I was out of a cannon and I let nothing stop me now. My resolve was forged in those years.
And I am happy now
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
I survived by building an agender identity for myself in my teen years, though I lacked the vocabulary and context to know what I was doing. I rejected masculinity outright in a conversation with myself, but I refused to allow myself to embrace femininity.
To this day I don't know whether that worked for me because I'm girlflux, or if I'm girlflux because I did that for so long.
Threads here helped me finally realize what was going on with me.
but I got older and less annoying and now it's just like, I have a beard because of beard momentum and the fact that I'd rather be "GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD" than "that baby-faced Dollar Store Kingpin".
I've got acne, which is fucked. I had a perfect smooth beautiful face until I turned like, 19. So anyway, I've learnt the subtle, practical, tactical applications of foundation and concealer and skin care and stuff, mostly from my sister teaching me or me stealing her make-up.
and now it's like
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRbxsvz1Jnw
Jenner had a definitive place carved in the Boomer zeitgeist that had been refreshed a fair bit by their association with the Kardashians before coming out.
Cox is a talented actress on a streaming service show.
Jenner is a person a ton of people knew of before coming out and it made the whole thing carry a certain weight, fairly or not.
It's the difference between Sonny or Cher coming out as trans vs their kid who was never in the limelight.
Come Overwatch with meeeee
yes, i now recognize some flaws in that assessment but that's how it felt
Straight up, i have never cried harder at a piece of media before. my face hurts from crying so hard. It isn't like sad crying though.
I heartily recommend you check it out. it's about a young trans woman coming back home from college to rural Ireland.
Content warning: Transphobia, parental/familial abuse, drugs
100/10, 2020 GOTY.
Check out my site, the Bismuth Heart | My Twitter
I've read that that is to be expected while on estradiol and spiro, but they mostly wanna doublecheck to make sure they don't have to adjust the dosage.
it went pretty badly
my mum, less so, but definitely doesn't really think i'm "actually" trans and that i shouldn't put even more medications into my body
i guess i sort of expected to have this part of the conversation, and my brother told me he'd really have my back while they took it badly at first
but it's still real tough for me to to be told "no you don't" when i tell them i still love them both as i leave
Steam // Secret Satan
Sorry you have to deal with that. Hopefully they will come around with time, but they really shouldn't have to.
Hang in there**
There was a holiday thread on family issues that had some good resources - can try to dig those out if it's any help...
We need to be there for each other.
I am so sorry, Lalabox.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
i'm real glad i've got some good friends, and I was able to come home and hug my housemate and cry and talk with some of my other friends over the phone
i actually finally had my followup appointment with the gp (who is still an absolutely angel) and i've actually got a script for estrogen now
i've still got to sort out some shit with sperm freezing, and i was always gonna try and talk to my parents about things before i got started on taking e.
but if we're gonna talk honestly and "authentically" then i need to be able to be open and vulnerable and i'm not gonna do that when i'm talking to someone who's trying to say whatever they can to hurt me
i'm glad my brother's gonna be around to talk to them in the next couple days. I'mma spend that time with my friends
Steam // Secret Satan
They decided to have you. Raising you and loving you is the bare minimum expectation of a parent. If they can’t meet that exceedingly low bar, then that’s on them.
Of course, you’re welcome to work on it with them, and it would be nice if they come around eventually.
Don’t destroy your own self worth, identity and love because they won’t do their fuckin job
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
i'm hoping it won't come to that
even with the vitriol of last night, i'm hoping it won't come to that
Steam // Secret Satan
I’m pan, and I caused myself all sorts of worries, trying to make things right with people who could not (would not) drop their bigoted attitudes.
Any way we can help, we’re always here
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
But, if someone's being hurtful or abusive, completely agree that it's better to step back and not let them cause harm
(I've had to do that recently with someone I care about deeply & know it sucks, hang in there @Tef and @Lalabox
There are some people in my family circle I think I'll never come out to - I know how prejudiced they are, we're not close and I don't feel any responsibility for educating/changing them... IDK, maybe it's not a good thing as I've never given them a chance?
: /
just now i sent her the following message:
a lot of what she was saying at the time was that she didn't understand and didn't "see it" with me, because she'd known me for all my life. That it didn't feel authentic, and she made some comments about the "zeitgeist".
but she wasn't the one who was snapping at me, and just saying whatever she could to hurt me
Steam // Secret Satan