There’s a very real benefit in transitioning late if you are dependent on your family for shelter. I wasn’t in the best financial situation when I came out, but I had a support network and an actual trans-friendly job which goes a long way. It really comes down to what you can tolerate, as I know I would have been a lot better off if I had held off like six months longer, but I couldn’t wait any longer.
This is not advocating staying in the closet, but just the grim reality of specific situations and how holding off a bit longer might be wise. Shit, I still regret not going it sooner, even if it did keep me off the street.
Have some of you experienced some benefits of transitioning later btw?
Like, maybe being taken more seriously by healthcare professionals and not being told you're "too young to decide"?
Or greater stability in your career and close relationships that will be helpful as a support system and that weren't there when you were younger?
The first one instantly turns into you're too old/ would have known from those same people. There's no ok age in their heads!
+13
Options
MsAnthropyThe Lady of Pain Breaks the Rhythm, Breaks the Rhythm, Breaks the RhythmThe City of FlowersRegistered Userregular
I suppose doing things later in my career meant I could more easily pay for transition, but I honestly don’t think it is anywhere near an even trade. Being closeted was a miserable experience that left me wanting to die. When I tried coming out at the work the first time, the entire department I ran suddenly became expendable despite the fact that our ROI was insane. Im just lucky I found a better place for attempt number 2.
More than that transitioning at 40 basically means I only get to really live half of my life in any kind of rewarding or authentic way. I have had to deal with a ton of rage and grief over the experiences I didn’t get to have. I resent the fact that I didn’t get to live through my 20s and 30s as myself.
So sorry to hear what a tough battle you had to fight to be your authentic self MsAnthropy
You sound like a remarkably resilient person
That sounds like you were in a really unbearable situation Sterica - glad to hear you were able to get good support from your job and friend network when you came out**
After you pointed that out Phoenix-D, I actually see how age is just used as an excuse to deny people agency regardless of when they decide to transition. Thanks for that insight!
Thanks for the honest responses to you, Pimento, Brovid Hasselsmof and Seidkona
To be clear, I am also not advocating that anyone should delay coming out when ready and hiding instead of being themselves
I just asked because I noticed several friends and colleagues coming out and/or transitioning later (due to not having supportive or safe circumstances before) and hoped there might be some perks
i wish i had known more about myself earlier in life, because college would have gone way better if i had figured out my shit before it rather than just after.
+5
Options
UnbrokenEvaHIGH ON THE WIREBUT I WON'T TRIP ITRegistered Userregular
So sorry to hear what a tough battle you had to fight to be your authentic self MsAnthropy
You sound like a remarkably resilient person
That sounds like you were in a really unbearable situation Sterica - glad to hear you were able to get good support from your job and friend network when you came out**
After you pointed that out Phoenix-D, I actually see how age is just used as an excuse to deny people agency regardless of when they decide to transition. Thanks for that insight!
Thanks for the honest responses to you, Pimento, Brovid Hasselsmof and Seidkona
To be clear, I am also not advocating that anyone should delay coming out when ready and hiding instead of being themselves
I just asked because I noticed several friends and colleagues coming out and/or transitioning later (due to not having supportive or safe circumstances before) and hoped there might be some perks
if nothing else, a perk is that they're not doing it even later.
For my own sake I'm trying my best to look at this the same way as I looked at my equally very late ADHD diagnosis last year. I'm not going to let myself worry about how things might have been different had I figured it out sooner because that's not going to help anything. Instead it's about how much better things can be going forward, and focusing on that.
man you actually got a diagnosis as an adult? I have been trying to get an adult diagnosis for a mental disability and it fucking sucks. it's just a continuation of when I was a child where if you can do your math and your reading everything's fine when it is definitely not fine
0
Options
UnbrokenEvaHIGH ON THE WIREBUT I WON'T TRIP ITRegistered Userregular
man you actually got a diagnosis as an adult? I have been trying to get an adult diagnosis for a mental disability and it fucking sucks. it's just a continuation of when I was a child where if you can do your math and your reading everything's fine when it is definitely not fine
yeah, I had to find a psychologist that specialized in this sort of thing, had a consultation where I did this weird computer reaction test*, had a conversation about my history, school, etc, got some pages of questions for me and if possible people who knew me well to fill out, and then a second meeting to go over the diagnosis.
(*= the computer reaction test was the one thing that DIDN'T point to ADHD, though the doctor had an explanation for that...)
lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
So.
Been thinking, and this is the least dumb of this dumb question that I can come up with.
Can a person's sexuality change over time?
First look I want to say maybe?
I've been doing thinking about how I'm comfortable with the demisexual label, but then I remember back to my younger days and all the causal sex. And I'm pretty sure that I enjoyed the sex and was attracted to my partners back then.
But does that change the demisexual label? Was I really into them? Was I just don't it because society expected casual sex in university and so I did that? Have I gotten more ace as I've gotten older? Am I really demi? Or is something else going on? How do I take who I used to be and relate her to who I am now? Are they even the same me?
Been thinking, and this is the least dumb of this dumb question that I can come up with.
Can a person's sexuality change over time?
First look I want to say maybe?
I've been doing thinking about how I'm comfortable with the demisexual label, but then I remember back to my younger days and all the causal sex. And I'm pretty sure that I enjoyed the sex and was attracted to my partners back then.
But does that change the demisexual label? Was I really into them? Was I just don't it because society expected casual sex in university and so I did that? Have I gotten more ace as I've gotten older? Am I really demi? Or is something else going on? How do I take who I used to be and relate her to who I am now? Are they even the same me?
Blah. Am I being weird?
That's rhetorical.
For some people, it definitely can change over time. But, importantly, it can't be forced to change. The change cannot be external. Heck, for some people the change can't be internal when they want it.
You are both the you that you were, and you are also no longer her, though she is a part of you. Your experiences always shape the person you are. Maybe you were mentally demi back then but weren't in touch with that part of yourself, and so emotionally and outwardly you were aro. It's definitely hard to separate between your thoughts and your actions as defining yourself, because they both kind of do in a way, and it's even harder when we look back at the past through inherently inaccurate memories of what we think we felt or thought or did.
One thing I think about is how our language is actually pretty imprecise. It's an evolving attempt to distill these big multifaceted unique identities into common concepts.
Your labels are for you; first, foremost, and always. And if anyone else wants to make it their business you get to set them on fire, you know conceptually. But also with fire.
One thing I think about is how our language is actually pretty imprecise. It's an evolving attempt to distill these big multifaceted unique identities into common concepts.
This is true, but also it's hard to be precise when the thing you're trying to describe is itself incredibly imprecise. Like a lot of things, gender and sexuality are extremely fluid and overlapping and language can only do so much to sort all that stuff out.
+3
Options
GrogMy sword is only steelin a useful shape.Registered Userregular
I think logically I knew all that, I just needed it to come from an external source.
And thank you too bahamut.
I appreciate yall
Heteronormative society very much wants us to think the opposite, so it makes sense that you'd need some outside confirmation.
It's part of why I find the trans discourse getting dragged back into 'born this way' stuff so frustrating. You don't HAVE to have always been something to be it. You're it now.
+8
Options
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
More than that transitioning at 40 basically means I only get to really live half of my life in any kind of rewarding or authentic way. I have had to deal with a ton of rage and grief over the experiences I didn’t get to have. I resent the fact that I didn’t get to live through my 20s and 30s as myself.
Yeah this is something I struggle with, I think about the things I missed on a daily basis. I wish I could figure out how to come to terms with it because it takes up a lot of mental bandwidth.
More than that transitioning at 40 basically means I only get to really live half of my life in any kind of rewarding or authentic way. I have had to deal with a ton of rage and grief over the experiences I didn’t get to have. I resent the fact that I didn’t get to live through my 20s and 30s as myself.
Yeah this is something I struggle with, I think about the things I missed on a daily basis. I wish I could figure out how to come to terms with it because it takes up a lot of mental bandwidth.
Im still kinda figuring out what I want but the way I see it is that if I had transitioned in my 20s I might have been happier about my body but I'd probably have been in a worse place than I am now. Possibly dead given where I lived and worked back then.
Its not a lot better now but I have people in my life that care about me now that I didnt then which is why I can think about transitioning at all
I have a podcast now. It's about video games and anime!Find it here.
+1
Options
Hi I'm Vee!Formerly VH; She/Her; Is an E X P E R I E N C ERegistered Userregular
I think logically I knew all that, I just needed it to come from an external source.
And thank you too bahamut.
I appreciate yall
Heteronormative society very much wants us to think the opposite, so it makes sense that you'd need some outside confirmation.
It's part of why I find the trans discourse getting dragged back into 'born this way' stuff so frustrating. You don't HAVE to have always been something to be it. You're it now.
This bothers me tremendously, because I don't particularly believe I've always been trans. It's something I struggled with a lot when I was first having gender feelings, because I definitely bought into the idea that all trans people have always been trans, like it's something that they've struggled with all their life, and that just wasn't true for me. Considering how strongly I feel that I'm a girl nowadays, I shudder to think of where I'd have ended up if I didn't have supportive friends and this community in particular who were very much on the side of "there are a million ways to be trans and no 'correct' way".
Hi I'm Vee! on
+6
Options
lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
Ugh
It is so very frustrating to see an LGBTQ maker fail to grasp intersectionality. That's great, you made rainbow things and raised money for Pride. But your rainbows aren't Progress, and when asked if you could add in the extra colours, you just ignore the question.
It's so frustrating that makers that should be allies and friends and part of the whole conversation are just not and are at times actively being harmful and it succccccccks.
I was definitely trans as far back as I can remember and me feeling like I was born this way doesn't mean that anyone else has to at all.
I think it's a spectrum of experience and every unique version should be celebrated.
Mostly just huntin' monsters.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
+19
Options
Mx. QuillI now prefer "Myr. Quill", actually...{They/Them}Registered Userregular
I painted my toes for the first time yesterday, and at least four or five times now I have thought my toes are all bloodied cause it's a dark purple and my idiot brain sees it out of the corner of my eye and goes "AAAAAAAH"
+22
Options
lonelyahavaCall me Ahava ~~She/Her~~Move to New ZealandRegistered Userregular
I have learned today that there is a project underway to try and update Hebrew to having a neutral/nonbinary tense and I am actually incredibly excited by this.
I've got an email out to the project to see if they can help me update the words i'm using in my knitting patterns to be more inclusive than just using the plural conjugations i was using.
Michigan is such a weird place socially and politically, they tend to swing wildly back and forth on any given issue depending on the year, temperature, and whether or not they've had breakfast that morning
+3
Options
JedocIn the scupperswith the staggers and jagsRegistered Userregular
It's that kind of chaotic energy that allowed you to steal and inexplicably keep Wisconsin's hat for so long.
In other news, Chelsea Wolfe, one of my favorite singers, posted on the last day of pride Month about being Pan and using she / they pronouns. Wouldn’t say I was surprised about it, but knowing that someone whose work I like so much is also queer was great to find out.
Hearing someone who has influenced my vocal style sing “Trans women are queens” over and over again is pretty effing cool. Especially when so many influential cis artists have been so disappointing wrt trans rights over the last few years.
hey queer thread. it's been a bad day and I need to vent because it was topped by someone pulling the I don't see why minorities need people in media to look up to I look up to people for their abilities and talents not their sexuality and shut the fuck up. I hate people who pull that high horse shit to talk down to people who haven't had the luxury of representation like they have
Posts
I wish I had come out and stayed out the first time but I didn't. I probably wouldn't have gone as far in my career If I had so there's that.
Life coming out in 2003 was very different.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
This is not advocating staying in the closet, but just the grim reality of specific situations and how holding off a bit longer might be wise. Shit, I still regret not going it sooner, even if it did keep me off the street.
The first one instantly turns into you're too old/ would have known from those same people. There's no ok age in their heads!
More than that transitioning at 40 basically means I only get to really live half of my life in any kind of rewarding or authentic way. I have had to deal with a ton of rage and grief over the experiences I didn’t get to have. I resent the fact that I didn’t get to live through my 20s and 30s as myself.
"The only real politics I knew was that if a guy liked Hitler, I’d beat the stuffing out of him and that would be it." -- Jack Kirby
You sound like a remarkably resilient person
That sounds like you were in a really unbearable situation Sterica - glad to hear you were able to get good support from your job and friend network when you came out**
After you pointed that out Phoenix-D, I actually see how age is just used as an excuse to deny people agency regardless of when they decide to transition. Thanks for that insight!
Thanks for the honest responses to you, Pimento, Brovid Hasselsmof and Seidkona
To be clear, I am also not advocating that anyone should delay coming out when ready and hiding instead of being themselves
I just asked because I noticed several friends and colleagues coming out and/or transitioning later (due to not having supportive or safe circumstances before) and hoped there might be some perks
if nothing else, a perk is that they're not doing it even later.
For my own sake I'm trying my best to look at this the same way as I looked at my equally very late ADHD diagnosis last year. I'm not going to let myself worry about how things might have been different had I figured it out sooner because that's not going to help anything. Instead it's about how much better things can be going forward, and focusing on that.
yeah, I had to find a psychologist that specialized in this sort of thing, had a consultation where I did this weird computer reaction test*, had a conversation about my history, school, etc, got some pages of questions for me and if possible people who knew me well to fill out, and then a second meeting to go over the diagnosis.
(*= the computer reaction test was the one thing that DIDN'T point to ADHD, though the doctor had an explanation for that...)
Been thinking, and this is the least dumb of this dumb question that I can come up with.
Can a person's sexuality change over time?
First look I want to say maybe?
I've been doing thinking about how I'm comfortable with the demisexual label, but then I remember back to my younger days and all the causal sex. And I'm pretty sure that I enjoyed the sex and was attracted to my partners back then.
But does that change the demisexual label? Was I really into them? Was I just don't it because society expected casual sex in university and so I did that? Have I gotten more ace as I've gotten older? Am I really demi? Or is something else going on? How do I take who I used to be and relate her to who I am now? Are they even the same me?
Blah. Am I being weird?
That's rhetorical.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
I forgot everyone already made this joke when you made that tweet originally
Hugely helpful, Eva.
I think logically I knew all that, I just needed it to come from an external source.
And thank you too bahamut.
I appreciate yall
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
For some people, it definitely can change over time. But, importantly, it can't be forced to change. The change cannot be external. Heck, for some people the change can't be internal when they want it.
You are both the you that you were, and you are also no longer her, though she is a part of you. Your experiences always shape the person you are. Maybe you were mentally demi back then but weren't in touch with that part of yourself, and so emotionally and outwardly you were aro. It's definitely hard to separate between your thoughts and your actions as defining yourself, because they both kind of do in a way, and it's even harder when we look back at the past through inherently inaccurate memories of what we think we felt or thought or did.
Your labels are for you; first, foremost, and always. And if anyone else wants to make it their business you get to set them on fire, you know conceptually. But also with fire.
This is true, but also it's hard to be precise when the thing you're trying to describe is itself incredibly imprecise. Like a lot of things, gender and sexuality are extremely fluid and overlapping and language can only do so much to sort all that stuff out.
Heteronormative society very much wants us to think the opposite, so it makes sense that you'd need some outside confirmation.
It's part of why I find the trans discourse getting dragged back into 'born this way' stuff so frustrating. You don't HAVE to have always been something to be it. You're it now.
Yeah this is something I struggle with, I think about the things I missed on a daily basis. I wish I could figure out how to come to terms with it because it takes up a lot of mental bandwidth.
Im still kinda figuring out what I want but the way I see it is that if I had transitioned in my 20s I might have been happier about my body but I'd probably have been in a worse place than I am now. Possibly dead given where I lived and worked back then.
Its not a lot better now but I have people in my life that care about me now that I didnt then which is why I can think about transitioning at all
This bothers me tremendously, because I don't particularly believe I've always been trans. It's something I struggled with a lot when I was first having gender feelings, because I definitely bought into the idea that all trans people have always been trans, like it's something that they've struggled with all their life, and that just wasn't true for me. Considering how strongly I feel that I'm a girl nowadays, I shudder to think of where I'd have ended up if I didn't have supportive friends and this community in particular who were very much on the side of "there are a million ways to be trans and no 'correct' way".
It is so very frustrating to see an LGBTQ maker fail to grasp intersectionality. That's great, you made rainbow things and raised money for Pride. But your rainbows aren't Progress, and when asked if you could add in the extra colours, you just ignore the question.
It's so frustrating that makers that should be allies and friends and part of the whole conversation are just not and are at times actively being harmful and it succccccccks.
Ugh
Ok rant over
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
I think we need to get past absolutes completely.
I was definitely trans as far back as I can remember and me feeling like I was born this way doesn't mean that anyone else has to at all.
I think it's a spectrum of experience and every unique version should be celebrated.
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
I've got an email out to the project to see if they can help me update the words i'm using in my knitting patterns to be more inclusive than just using the plural conjugations i was using.
Democrats Abroad! || Vote From Abroad
"The only real politics I knew was that if a guy liked Hitler, I’d beat the stuffing out of him and that would be it." -- Jack Kirby
https://www.michiganradio.org/post/trans-michiganders-no-longer-need-proof-sex-reassignment-surgery-change-birth-certificates
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
Michigan is such a weird place socially and politically, they tend to swing wildly back and forth on any given issue depending on the year, temperature, and whether or not they've had breakfast that morning
XBL:Phenyhelm - 3DS:Phenyhelm
To follow up on this, Chelsea just did a duet with non-binary femme artist, Michael Love Michael:
https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/michaellovemichael/have-feat-chelsea-wolfe
Hearing someone who has influenced my vocal style sing “Trans women are queens” over and over again is pretty effing cool. Especially when so many influential cis artists have been so disappointing wrt trans rights over the last few years.
"The only real politics I knew was that if a guy liked Hitler, I’d beat the stuffing out of him and that would be it." -- Jack Kirby