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The Even Worse Joke Thread

joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class TraitorSmoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
Spring is here! I got so excited, I wet my plants.

What's the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk -- it's pasteurized before you even see it.

I dreamed last night that I drowned in an ocean of orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.

I'm terrified of elevators!
I've started taking steps to avoid them.

Conjunctivitis.com;
Now that's a site for sore eyes.

Doctor, doctor! I've broken my arm in several places!
Well, stop going to those places!

I spent $200 on one package of Velcro the other day.
What a rip-off.

Why does it take longer to get from 1st base to 2nd base than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd?
There's a shortstop in between.

What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
Wataaaaah!

So I'm driving along and this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere...

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    The GeekThe Geek Oh-Two Crew, Omeganaut Registered User, ClubPA regular
    Why is a Styx groupie like a kid who skins his knees?
    They're both gonna get band-aids

    BLM - ACAB
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    NaphtaliNaphtali Hazy + Flow SeaRegistered User regular
    josh

    who hurt you

    Steam | Nintendo ID: Naphtali | Wish List
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    edited May 2016
    Naphtali wrote: »
    josh

    who hurt you

    oEjqPyQl.jpg

    joshofalltrades on
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    YukiraYukira Registered User regular
    Naphtali wrote: »
    josh

    who hurt you

    Abilene.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    kUdJCnb.png

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    Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    Oh-

    Oh no

    I thought we were free! That we were safe now!

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

    “But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
    “I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

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    KaplarKaplar On Google MapsRegistered User regular
    Oh-

    Oh no

    I thought we were free! That we were safe now!

    You've been dead for years. This is yoir hell. You shall never be free.

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    JoolanderJoolander Registered User regular
    Naphtali wrote: »
    josh

    who hurt you

    http://youtu.be/xRcUcxtaX-Q

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    facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    How does a dishonest person wash their hands?
    With lye soap.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    edited May 2016
    Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I'm going to find you, and you're in big trouble.
    You have my Word.

    joshofalltrades on
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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Scientists discover advances for new broom technology. Its sweeping the nation!

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    JoolanderJoolander Registered User regular
    Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I'm going to find you, and you're in big trouble.
    You have my Word.

    I'm sure you Excel at revenge, but OneNote: it's quite the grim Outlook. Do you have Access to the proper tools?






    PowerPoint

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    MichaelLCMichaelLC In what furnace was thy brain? ChicagoRegistered User regular
    Joolander wrote: »
    Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I'm going to find you, and you're in big trouble.
    You have my Word.

    I'm sure you Excel at revenge, but OneNote: it's quite the grim Outlook. Do you have Access to the proper tools?






    PowerPoint

    This will all make the FrontPage news.

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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    YESSSSSSSSSS it's back! mwa hahahha

    ( So many times I've found just the dumbest joke and there was no where to share the misery)

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    What do you call a bear with no teeth?
    A gummy bear

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    The thing about elevator puns is that they're funny on multiple levels.

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    Grunt's GhostsGrunt's Ghosts Registered User regular
    My boyfriend is upset with me.
    He asked if I wanted anything from town and I told him, "Nah, I'm straight."

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    I met a chameleon that couldn't change color.

    He had a reptile dysfunction.

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Rick Astley will loan you almost any movie in his collection.

    He is never going to give you Up.

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    PolaritiePolaritie Sleepy Registered User regular
    Bedlam wrote: »
    Rick Astley will loan you almost any movie in his collection.

    He is never going to give you Up.

    I've heard he's also pretty reliable.

    He'll never let you down.

    Steam: Polaritie
    3DS: 0473-8507-2652
    Switch: SW-5185-4991-5118
    PSN: AbEntropy
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    SirToastySirToasty Registered User regular
    Me and my girlfriend were looking at towels yesterday. There was no price sign on the shelf so she went to look on other shelves. She attempted to confirm the brand of towel I was looking at:

    "Is it Biltmore for Your Home?"
    "No it's built more for the bathroom."

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    LalaboxLalabox Registered User regular
    edited May 2016
    There were only two of us on the assembly line, making Dracula figures.

    I had to make every second count.

    Lalabox on
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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    yEuEFpH.jpg

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    GoatmonGoatmon Companion of Kess Registered User regular
    edited May 2016
    Gonna post this again.

    (I join in as goofy about a minute in)

    Goatmon on
    Switch Friend Code: SW-6680-6709-4204


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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    Warning: Adblock makes you unattractive

    I just installed it and now all the horny singles in my area have suddenly lost interest.

    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Superman fails to break up local gang.

    He is weak to crip tonight.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    A father gets a dog for his son as a way of teaching him responsibility.

    Unfortunately, his son is lazy and soon enough the responsibility of caring for the dog falls on his exasperated father.

    One day, annoyed at having to feed the dog yet again, he barks at his son, "How many times do you think that dog would have died by now if I hadn't been caring for it?"

    The son shrugs and replies:
    "Once."

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    Butler For Life #1Butler For Life #1 Twinning is WinningRegistered User regular
    A friend of mine just broke up with her narcoleptic boyfriend.
    Turns out he was sleeping all over town.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    Have a look at The Monkeys You Ordered, a site dedicated to re-captioning New Yorker cartoons with extremely literal punchlines.

    Your enjoyment of it is very much going to be determined by whether or not you are amused by things that are so unfunny they wrap back around to being funny.

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    joshofalltradesjoshofalltrades Class Traitor Smoke-filled roomRegistered User regular
    What stresses coral out the most?
    Current events.

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    LalaboxLalabox Registered User regular
    Have a look at The Monkeys You Ordered, a site dedicated to re-captioning New Yorker cartoons with extremely literal punchlines.

    Your enjoyment of it is very much going to be determined by whether or not you are amused by things that are so unfunny they wrap back around to being funny.

    I don't know if there's a blog dedicated to them, but I like all the various pictures of submissions that I've seen that have the user caption of "oh fuck".

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    Crippl3Crippl3 oh noRegistered User regular
    How do you get Pikachu and Squirtle on a bus?
    You poke 'em on.
    :bzz:

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    WiseManTobesWiseManTobes Registered User regular
    edited May 2016
    Have a look at The Monkeys You Ordered, a site dedicated to re-captioning New Yorker cartoons with extremely literal punchlines.

    Your enjoyment of it is very much going to be determined by whether or not you are amused by things that are so unfunny they wrap back around to being funny.

    Why can't I stop laughing at this
    tumblr_nn4husDSin1qceynno1_1280.jpg
    "This Room is Full of Magicians!"

    WiseManTobes on
    Steam! Battlenet:Wisemantobes#1508
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    knitdanknitdan In ur base Killin ur guysRegistered User regular
    Did the New Yorker rip off The Far Side or was it the other way around?

    Because just looking at the art takes me right back to the early 90s.

    (Stop trying to capitalize art, iPad. It's not that important.)

    “I was quick when I came in here, I’m twice as quick now”
    -Indiana Solo, runner of blades
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    TomantaTomanta Registered User regular
    knitdan wrote: »
    Did the New Yorker rip off The Far Side or was it the other way around?

    Because just looking at the art takes me right back to the early 90s.

    (Stop trying to capitalize art, iPad. It's not that important.)

    Had to be New Yorker ripping off Far Side, because Far Side is funny.

    Also, I came up with a better punchline in 20 seconds while barely being awake:
    "This is where the magic happens."

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    darleysamdarleysam On my way to UKRegistered User regular
    Tomanta wrote: »
    knitdan wrote: »
    Did the New Yorker rip off The Far Side or was it the other way around?

    Because just looking at the art takes me right back to the early 90s.

    (Stop trying to capitalize art, iPad. It's not that important.)

    Had to be New Yorker ripping off Far Side, because Far Side is funny.

    Also, I came up with a better punchline in 20 seconds while barely being awake:
    "This is where the magic happens."

    I assumed that's what the original punchline was.

    forumsig.png
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    TomantaTomanta Registered User regular
    darleysam wrote: »
    Tomanta wrote: »
    knitdan wrote: »
    Did the New Yorker rip off The Far Side or was it the other way around?

    Because just looking at the art takes me right back to the early 90s.

    (Stop trying to capitalize art, iPad. It's not that important.)

    Had to be New Yorker ripping off Far Side, because Far Side is funny.

    Also, I came up with a better punchline in 20 seconds while barely being awake:
    "This is where the magic happens."

    I assumed that's what the original punchline was.

    Heh, in my "I'm not all that awake" state I didn't realize that it was recaptioned.

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    BedlamBedlam Registered User regular
    Ban factory shredded cheese!

    Make America grate again!

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    Goose!Goose! That's me, honey Show me the way home, honeyRegistered User regular
    tumblr_mcvew4aoCl1qceynno1_500.jpg
    I have to pee.

    This was the one that got me.

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