i had a guy friend express to me after he went to a guy's funeral that the deceased seemed to be astonishingly present in other people's lives and he was going to try to improve that about himself
v thought-provoking
of course given that average time from desk to mailbox for me and my friends is > 5 days, i'm not sure i will follow the specific example of mailing starbucks gift cards to college-age nieces so that it arrives the morning of a big exam
Just Venmo them a coffee cup or however that works.
"I will write your name in the ruin of them. I will paint you across history in the color of their blood."
imma be honest parties or get togethers where "can I bring something?" turns into me doing actual work I just stop attending.
Yeah I'm not cooking a fucking casserole or cookies for a god damned get together because you want to hang out
I don't mind cooking something that's cool. What I hate is when you want me to do that and then you have someone else bring something equivalent to what I brought. Like thanks dick head "now we have two cakes!" Yeah no one needs two cakes you fucking Tim. YOU FUCKING TIM!
I would like some money because these are artisanal nuggets of wisdom philistine.
As my friends have their social lives obliterated by children, thus destabilizing mine as well, I can't help but think that our weird, isolated traditions of child-rearing also contribute
Of course if it were different, I'd have to like, deal with their kids more often, which sounds terrible tbh
Do it
Be weird uncle EM, who just kind of sits in the corner and can't figure out what to do when a kid runs over to him.
When my cousin was visiting with the new baby, his wife asked me if I wanted to hold him, and I said "no," and everyone yelled at me
Then I held him, dutifully, and he started crying immediately
The child is weak and I do not respect him
I've told this before i'm sure but not too long ago porp was at a playgroup thing and a mom was there with a newborn
mom handed said newborn over to porp to hold for a bit as she needed her hands free and porp audibly said "gross"
oops
I really don't understand the holding of the baby thing. I don't want to drop the little tyke!
But holding kittehs, that is good and noble and right, even if the kitteh doesn't want to be held.
babs are so warm and sometimes they grab onto you with their teeny little hands so tight and their heads release an inexplicably alluring odor that i think is basically like a cat's poop toxins that makes you want to take care of them
Apparently the baby head smell thing isn't universal. I feel like I'm really missing out but even without it I seem to be quite commited to keeping Burpette alive and ensuring she can dance, so there's some kind of bond
Homogeneous distribution of your varieties of amuse-gueule
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Powerpuppiesdrinking coffee in themountain cabinRegistered Userregular
Also people have stunningly low expectations for homemade cookies
there is a big gap between 'minimally competent' and 'well planned and executed'
+4
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TTODewbackPuts the drawl in ya'llI think I'm in HellRegistered Userregular
i had a guy friend express to me after he went to a guy's funeral that the deceased seemed to be astonishingly present in other people's lives and he was going to try to improve that about himself
v thought-provoking
of course given that average time from desk to mailbox for me and my friends is > 5 days, i'm not sure i will follow the specific example of mailing starbucks gift cards to college-age nieces so that it arrives the morning of a big exam
Just Venmo them a coffee cup or however that works.
this is genius for the post-office-disabled among us
i will now not write it down and forget it within the year
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Donkey KongPutting Nintendo out of business with AI nipsRegistered Userregular
I frequently remind my fiancé to invite his friends to things and maintain his relationships and I am terrible at emotional labor. How did it end up this way. It's like if a dog became president, something is wrong.
Thousands of hot, local singles are waiting to play at bubbulon.com.
+8
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BrodyThe WatchThe First ShoreRegistered Userregular
If they aren't happy with me stopping at the store and picking up some cookies and insist I actually cook the things myself is about when I stop caring. Sure I'll pick up some cookies for the party. "Now don't go to wegmans and cheat!" Fuck right the fuck off.
I don't need the hassle and I'm perfectly content with becoming an ogre in a swamp.
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
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VariableMouth CongressStroke Me Lady FameRegistered Userregular
I believe babies have all these ways of getting us to like them because it has happened to me with dogs
it's why I don't let the babies (or, frankly, children of any age) get near me and certainly don't have them touching me or grabbing me with their hands. way too risky, who knows where it might end.
I've posted a lot about the epidemic of loneliness among older men. Many middle-aged and elderly men literally have zero intimate relationships in their lives outside of their monogamous partner.
But here's the thing. The marginal utility of having 1 close friend over 0, or having 2 close friends over 1, is huge.
The marginal utility of having 20 friends over 19 isn't remotely the same magnitude.
Similarly, consider whether the emotional labor you're doing is actually fostering relationships. Conversations on emotional labor get overly focused on things like Christmas cards; such gestures just keep the door open but you really need to have direct interaction with the people in your life.
every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
+8
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VariableMouth CongressStroke Me Lady FameRegistered Userregular
If they aren't happy with me stopping at the store and picking up some cookies and insist I actually cook the things myself is about when I stop caring. Sure I'll pick up some cookies for the party. "Now don't go to wegmans and cheat!" Fuck right the fuck off.
I don't need the hassle and I'm perfectly content with becoming an ogre in a swamp.
I 100% believe this and imagine it's common but if anyone ever said this to me I'd laugh at them. but I'll grant that there's probably a reason no one has ever said that to me.
I frequently remind my fiancé to invite his friends to things and maintain his relationships and I am terrible at emotional labor. How did it end up this way. It's like if a dog became president, something is wrong.
Hold on, I'm not expert on gay relationships
According to Insta, I should ask which one of you never opens up about his trauma and which one never shuts up about it? How does the emotional labor divide relate to what I understand to be the "can drive" / "iced coffee" dichotomy?
+2
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Powerpuppiesdrinking coffee in themountain cabinRegistered Userregular
i passionately hate pot lucks
it should be acceptable to just hand over $20 instead
that's enough to have a salad doordashed or something
+1
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Donkey KongPutting Nintendo out of business with AI nipsRegistered Userregular
Bowen, they're asking you to not cheat because Wegmans cookies are shit
Thousands of hot, local singles are waiting to play at bubbulon.com.
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Hi I'm Vee!Formerly VH; She/Her; Is an E X P E R I E N C ERegistered Userregular
Speaking of baking, I'm bringing my brownie pan with me this weekend.
re the emotional labor convo. Most of the stuff I see commonly cited (cards, anniversary calls etc) I regard as relatively unimportant. The stuff that I do think is important (genuinely checking in on friends, actively maintaining friendships etc) I really do not notice the women in my life doing more often than the men.
Isn't this, like
part of the point
This seems like begging the question. Not all women value cards and canned anniversary calls as emotionally portentous, so if it makes the conversation easier then pretend I’m one of those women.
I agree, there's a lot of emotional labor make-work. But there are other things like remembering birthdays, tracking obligations, setting up parties and events, remembering to generally keep friendships alive, maintaining an address book, remembering major holidays, asking "can I bring something" when invited somewhere...
All this kind of stuff is emotional labor and falls generally to the woman in a relationship. Or in a gay relationship one person tends to pick it up more than the other.
I agree with most of this. I’m not looking to dispute that there is a gender disparity in how we’re conditioned to apportion certain social tasks. My primary point was the larger, more substantive, less administrative ones- things like maintaining a friendship or making sure friends are ok- do not track so neatly. In my experience, of course.
While I do get your point ("It's the Big Picture Friendship(TM) that counts"), the fact that people (not just you) devalue the other things that go into making a relationship work (like so-called "administrative stuff") is a pain point for a lot of relationships. This is often exhausting for the partner that bears that work without acknowledgement or help. It can definitely be seen as not valuing the relationship as a whole.
imma be honest parties or get togethers where "can I bring something?" turns into me doing actual work I just stop attending.
Yeah I'm not cooking a fucking casserole or cookies for a god damned get together because you want to hang out
Most of the time all you really need to bring is beverages. Bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party is pretty common etiquette; or bringing beer to a barbecue. I hate cooking, but I couldn't possibly count the number of times I've attended a potluck and somehow been the only person to remember to bring soda and plastic cups.
every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
If they aren't happy with me stopping at the store and picking up some cookies and insist I actually cook the things myself is about when I stop caring. Sure I'll pick up some cookies for the party. "Now don't go to wegmans and cheat!" Fuck right the fuck off.
I don't need the hassle and I'm perfectly content with becoming an ogre in a swamp.
I 100% believe this and imagine it's common but if anyone ever said this to me I'd laugh at them. but I'll grant that there's probably a reason no one has ever said that to me.
The nicer people in the group take it out of the store bought tin and put it in their own.
I have no qualms with just kind of shrugging and going "sorry not interested I'll see y'all next time." I just have zero energy to invest in dicking around with that. I understand there's plenty of others who will bake cakes and all that but I hate the process and hate dishes so I ain't doing it and I guess sorry if that upsets anyone.
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
I've posted a lot about the epidemic of loneliness among older men. Many middle-aged and elderly men literally have zero intimate relationships in their lives outside of their monogamous partner.
But here's the thing. The marginal utility of having 1 close friend over 0, or having 2 close friends over 1, is huge.
The marginal utility of having 20 friends over 19 isn't remotely the same magnitude.
Similarly, consider whether the emotional labor you're doing is actually fostering relationships. Conversations on emotional labor get overly focused on things like Christmas cards; such gestures just keep the door open but you really need to have direct interaction with the people in your life.
I need to get better at maintaining friendships with the people I know who are here since I don't just run into them all the time as much as I'm out doing stuff less often
but me and the knuckleheads from the day are still tight like we've been for twenty years
I'm reasonably certain these friendships will end with death
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Hi I'm Vee!Formerly VH; She/Her; Is an E X P E R I E N C ERegistered Userregular
I've posted a lot about the epidemic of loneliness among older men. Many middle-aged and elderly men literally have zero intimate relationships in their lives outside of their monogamous partner.
But here's the thing. The marginal utility of having 1 close friend over 0, or having 2 close friends over 1, is huge.
The marginal utility of having 20 friends over 19 isn't remotely the same magnitude.
Similarly, consider whether the emotional labor you're doing is actually fostering relationships. Conversations on emotional labor get overly focused on things like Christmas cards; such gestures just keep the door open but you really need to have direct interaction with the people in your life.
my cousins and their parents get so many cards they end up in a pile on the table. at my house we only get a few, but my dad puts them up in our dining room all around the mirror and I get to inspect how this or that kid has grown, etc.
it can mean different things to different people AND from different people. not that I think you'd disagree, just that there's so many ways this stuff can be more or less important for any given relationship.
Donkey KongPutting Nintendo out of business with AI nipsRegistered Userregular
Storebought cookies for dessert... It's like when that one cheap friend says they're bringing chips and you're like "oh no no don't worry about it!" because you know if they bring chips it's going to be stale, unflavored store brand garbo chips. The kind that dissolve in your mouth.
Thousands of hot, local singles are waiting to play at bubbulon.com.
I've posted a lot about the epidemic of loneliness among older men. Many middle-aged and elderly men literally have zero intimate relationships in their lives outside of their monogamous partner.
But here's the thing. The marginal utility of having 1 close friend over 0, or having 2 close friends over 1, is huge.
The marginal utility of having 20 friends over 19 isn't remotely the same magnitude.
Similarly, consider whether the emotional labor you're doing is actually fostering relationships. Conversations on emotional labor get overly focused on things like Christmas cards; such gestures just keep the door open but you really need to have direct interaction with the people in your life.
my cousins and their parents get so many cards they end up in a pile on the table. at my house we only get a few, but my dad puts them up in our dining room all around the mirror and I get to inspect how this or that kid has grown, etc.
it can mean different things to different people AND from different people. not that I think you'd disagree, just that there's so many ways this stuff can be more or less important for any given relationship.
Do what my Nonna does and hang a string near holidays from one wall to another and put your cards on the string!
re the emotional labor convo. Most of the stuff I see commonly cited (cards, anniversary calls etc) I regard as relatively unimportant. The stuff that I do think is important (genuinely checking in on friends, actively maintaining friendships etc) I really do not notice the women in my life doing more often than the men.
Isn't this, like
part of the point
This seems like begging the question. Not all women value cards and canned anniversary calls as emotionally portentous, so if it makes the conversation easier then pretend I’m one of those women.
I agree, there's a lot of emotional labor make-work. But there are other things like remembering birthdays, tracking obligations, setting up parties and events, remembering to generally keep friendships alive, maintaining an address book, remembering major holidays, asking "can I bring something" when invited somewhere...
All this kind of stuff is emotional labor and falls generally to the woman in a relationship. Or in a gay relationship one person tends to pick it up more than the other.
To some degree I don't think having a division of labor in a relationship is a bad thing, though it is bad when a person feels forced into that role when they explicitly don't want to be. Like, with my roommate we have a pretty clear division of labor and I pick up slack on rent and ordering out where I don't in household chores and cooking. I think that's fine as long as everyone feels as though that's equitable.
But realistically I am never going to be the kind of person who is on top of thinking ahead for social obligations, even though I do work actively on making myself better at it, and I am willing to have someone be a drain on my other resources in return for helping me with that.
If they aren't happy with me stopping at the store and picking up some cookies and insist I actually cook the things myself is about when I stop caring. Sure I'll pick up some cookies for the party. "Now don't go to wegmans and cheat!" Fuck right the fuck off.
I don't need the hassle and I'm perfectly content with becoming an ogre in a swamp.
Yeah, fuck that.
every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.
Posts
Just Venmo them a coffee cup or however that works.
The Monster Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson
Steam: Korvalain
I don't mind cooking something that's cool. What I hate is when you want me to do that and then you have someone else bring something equivalent to what I brought. Like thanks dick head "now we have two cakes!" Yeah no one needs two cakes you fucking Tim. YOU FUCKING TIM!
pleasepaypreacher.net
Apparently the baby head smell thing isn't universal. I feel like I'm really missing out but even without it I seem to be quite commited to keeping Burpette alive and ensuring she can dance, so there's some kind of bond
there is a big gap between 'minimally competent' and 'well planned and executed'
well that's fine as long as you like you know volunteer to help clean up or something afterwards
this is genius for the post-office-disabled among us
i will now not write it down and forget it within the year
Not everyone lives in a pot legal state ppupps.
The Monster Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson
Steam: Korvalain
hey wait a second i didn't consider this hole in the story
i know the college kid in question, i wonder if i can interrogate them about their uncle
I don't need the hassle and I'm perfectly content with becoming an ogre in a swamp.
it's why I don't let the babies (or, frankly, children of any age) get near me and certainly don't have them touching me or grabbing me with their hands. way too risky, who knows where it might end.
tbf this regularly annoys me
I mean, how bad are storebought cookies? Nabisco has conveniently dug a trench, set the bar below ground level, and buried it.
But here's the thing. The marginal utility of having 1 close friend over 0, or having 2 close friends over 1, is huge.
The marginal utility of having 20 friends over 19 isn't remotely the same magnitude.
Similarly, consider whether the emotional labor you're doing is actually fostering relationships. Conversations on emotional labor get overly focused on things like Christmas cards; such gestures just keep the door open but you really need to have direct interaction with the people in your life.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I 100% believe this and imagine it's common but if anyone ever said this to me I'd laugh at them. but I'll grant that there's probably a reason no one has ever said that to me.
Hold on, I'm not expert on gay relationships
According to Insta, I should ask which one of you never opens up about his trauma and which one never shuts up about it? How does the emotional labor divide relate to what I understand to be the "can drive" / "iced coffee" dichotomy?
it should be acceptable to just hand over $20 instead
that's enough to have a salad doordashed or something
Yeah its like buying a sports car and driving the speed limit. With the same chance of the police asking you how your evening is going...
pleasepaypreacher.net
is it an all-edges one?
please say yes
Most of the time all you really need to bring is beverages. Bringing a bottle of wine to a dinner party is pretty common etiquette; or bringing beer to a barbecue. I hate cooking, but I couldn't possibly count the number of times I've attended a potluck and somehow been the only person to remember to bring soda and plastic cups.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
The nicer people in the group take it out of the store bought tin and put it in their own.
I have no qualms with just kind of shrugging and going "sorry not interested I'll see y'all next time." I just have zero energy to invest in dicking around with that. I understand there's plenty of others who will bake cakes and all that but I hate the process and hate dishes so I ain't doing it and I guess sorry if that upsets anyone.
muney
muney muney muney muney muney muney
muney is the root of all evil
I need to get better at maintaining friendships with the people I know who are here since I don't just run into them all the time as much as I'm out doing stuff less often
but me and the knuckleheads from the day are still tight like we've been for twenty years
I'm reasonably certain these friendships will end with death
No. Not a big deal though.
While the edges of my butterscotch brownies are better than the middle pieces, the middle pieces are still god-tier.
I only bake cookies for small groups of friends. not the unwashed masses
my cousins and their parents get so many cards they end up in a pile on the table. at my house we only get a few, but my dad puts them up in our dining room all around the mirror and I get to inspect how this or that kid has grown, etc.
it can mean different things to different people AND from different people. not that I think you'd disagree, just that there's so many ways this stuff can be more or less important for any given relationship.
and zero non-intimate relationships
Weird how people eat them like they're made with fucking cocaine.
Do what my Nonna does and hang a string near holidays from one wall to another and put your cards on the string!
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[5e] Dural Melairkyn - AC 18 | HP 40 | Melee +5/1d8+3 | Spell +4/DC 12
To some degree I don't think having a division of labor in a relationship is a bad thing, though it is bad when a person feels forced into that role when they explicitly don't want to be. Like, with my roommate we have a pretty clear division of labor and I pick up slack on rent and ordering out where I don't in household chores and cooking. I think that's fine as long as everyone feels as though that's equitable.
But realistically I am never going to be the kind of person who is on top of thinking ahead for social obligations, even though I do work actively on making myself better at it, and I am willing to have someone be a drain on my other resources in return for helping me with that.
Yeah, fuck that.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.