Bowen, they're asking you to not cheat because Wegmans cookies are shit
Weird how people eat them like they're made with fucking cocaine.
many things about the experiences you report are surprising, yes
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TTODewbackPuts the drawl in ya'llI think I'm in HellRegistered Userregular
These days I don't cook for anyone though because my kitchen is just too small to have mixing bowls and pans out everywhere. It has almost 0 usable surface area.
This has contributed to depression
Bless your heart.
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Powerpuppiesdrinking coffee in themountain cabinRegistered Userregular
Storebought cookies for dessert... It's like when that one cheap friend says they're bringing chips and you're like "oh no no don't worry about it!" because you know if they bring chips it's going to be stale, unflavored store brand garbo chips. The kind that dissolve in your mouth.
see you can name your brand and amount if you want, if i get to bring a dessert or buy a thing that is a massive relief in any sort of pot luck situation
I've posted a lot about the epidemic of loneliness among older men. Many middle-aged and elderly men literally have zero intimate relationships in their lives outside of their monogamous partner.
But here's the thing. The marginal utility of having 1 close friend over 0, or having 2 close friends over 1, is huge.
The marginal utility of having 20 friends over 19 isn't remotely the same magnitude.
Similarly, consider whether the emotional labor you're doing is actually fostering relationships. Conversations on emotional labor get overly focused on things like Christmas cards; such gestures just keep the door open but you really need to have direct interaction with the people in your life.
my cousins and their parents get so many cards they end up in a pile on the table. at my house we only get a few, but my dad puts them up in our dining room all around the mirror and I get to inspect how this or that kid has grown, etc.
it can mean different things to different people AND from different people. not that I think you'd disagree, just that there's so many ways this stuff can be more or less important for any given relationship.
Do what my Nonna does and hang a string near holidays from one wall to another and put your cards on the string!
since you said Nonna I'm inclined to trust you. we have a system but maybe I can talk them into doing that somehow.
I've posted a lot about the epidemic of loneliness among older men. Many middle-aged and elderly men literally have zero intimate relationships in their lives outside of their monogamous partner.
But here's the thing. The marginal utility of having 1 close friend over 0, or having 2 close friends over 1, is huge.
The marginal utility of having 20 friends over 19 isn't remotely the same magnitude.
Similarly, consider whether the emotional labor you're doing is actually fostering relationships. Conversations on emotional labor get overly focused on things like Christmas cards; such gestures just keep the door open but you really need to have direct interaction with the people in your life.
my cousins and their parents get so many cards they end up in a pile on the table. at my house we only get a few, but my dad puts them up in our dining room all around the mirror and I get to inspect how this or that kid has grown, etc.
it can mean different things to different people AND from different people. not that I think you'd disagree, just that there's so many ways this stuff can be more or less important for any given relationship.
Do what my Nonna does and hang a string near holidays from one wall to another and put your cards on the string!
since you said Nonna I'm inclined to trust you. we have a system but maybe I can talk them into doing that somehow.
It's great, you get them off your table, and you can still admire the art of the cards hanging there.
re the emotional labor convo. Most of the stuff I see commonly cited (cards, anniversary calls etc) I regard as relatively unimportant. The stuff that I do think is important (genuinely checking in on friends, actively maintaining friendships etc) I really do not notice the women in my life doing more often than the men.
Isn't this, like
part of the point
This seems like begging the question. Not all women value cards and canned anniversary calls as emotionally portentous, so if it makes the conversation easier then pretend I’m one of those women.
I agree, there's a lot of emotional labor make-work. But there are other things like remembering birthdays, tracking obligations, setting up parties and events, remembering to generally keep friendships alive, maintaining an address book, remembering major holidays, asking "can I bring something" when invited somewhere...
All this kind of stuff is emotional labor and falls generally to the woman in a relationship. Or in a gay relationship one person tends to pick it up more than the other.
This was true in my case. My ex did all the cards and gifts and stuff like that.
I think one of the big thing that contributed to this was that in college all my best friends all made a deal to not get anymore gifts or anything for each other for anything that wasn't just a random wimsy sort of thing. The rewards were never worth the hassle for any of us. None of us really cared bout getting gifts so the anxiety caused to our friends over buying them was wasted. So, I hate to admit it. I really just started applying this logic to most of my family and shit too. I don't want you to spend money on me, so don't and I won't either.
Unfortunately, turns out some people like getting things more than just your love and trust.
re the emotional labor convo. Most of the stuff I see commonly cited (cards, anniversary calls etc) I regard as relatively unimportant. The stuff that I do think is important (genuinely checking in on friends, actively maintaining friendships etc) I really do not notice the women in my life doing more often than the men.
Isn't this, like
part of the point
This seems like begging the question. Not all women value cards and canned anniversary calls as emotionally portentous, so if it makes the conversation easier then pretend I’m one of those women.
I agree, there's a lot of emotional labor make-work. But there are other things like remembering birthdays, tracking obligations, setting up parties and events, remembering to generally keep friendships alive, maintaining an address book, remembering major holidays, asking "can I bring something" when invited somewhere...
All this kind of stuff is emotional labor and falls generally to the woman in a relationship. Or in a gay relationship one person tends to pick it up more than the other.
I agree with most of this. I’m not looking to dispute that there is a gender disparity in how we’re conditioned to apportion certain social tasks. My primary point was the larger, more substantive, less administrative ones- things like maintaining a friendship or making sure friends are ok- do not track so neatly. In my experience, of course.
While I do get your point ("It's the Big Picture Friendship(TM) that counts"), the fact that people (not just you) devalue the other things that go into making a relationship work (like so-called "administrative stuff") is a pain point for a lot of relationships. This is often exhausting for the partner that bears that work without acknowledgement or help. It can definitely be seen as not valuing the relationship as a whole.
I apologize for marginalizing those things. I know they are important to many. I guess if I could say one thing as a takeaway for what I’m thinking: as I often overlook or compartmentalize away these particular needs, I would invite others to consider whether the labor that they perform touches those they hope it does. The sort of labor I need is chronically under serviced by women and men alike ime.
Organichu on
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Donkey KongPutting Nintendo out of business with AI nipsRegistered Userregular
If you're buying a dessert, ice cream is a good choice. It's popular, everybody likes it, and generally high end commercial products like Häagen-Dazs are better than what you could make.
Thousands of hot, local singles are waiting to play at bubbulon.com.
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SummaryJudgmentGrab the hottest iron you can find, stride in the Tower’s front doorRegistered Userregular
If they aren't happy with me stopping at the store and picking up some cookies and insist I actually cook the things myself is about when I stop caring. Sure I'll pick up some cookies for the party. "Now don't go to wegmans and cheat!" Fuck right the fuck off.
I don't need the hassle and I'm perfectly content with becoming an ogre in a swamp.
As someone who prides himself on slacking in the office and buttressing that with a ton of good home cooked food
Ffuuuuuuuuuck that you bring in those grocery store cookies I'm eating those bitches with a pot of coffee
SummaryJudgment on
Some days Blue wonders why anyone ever bothered making numbers so small; other days she supposes even infinity needs to start somewhere.
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AthenorBattle Hardened OptimistThe Skies of HiigaraRegistered Userregular
Hm. Something big going on with Microsoft Azure, affecting parts of our Office 365 and some of our cloud hosted services.
Maybe I Shouldn't have come back to work after my doc appt.
I frequently remind my fiancé to invite his friends to things and maintain his relationships and I am terrible at emotional labor. How did it end up this way. It's like if a dog became president, something is wrong.
To be clear, I feel this way when trying to teach my dad basic empathy, because when credeiki of all people is trying to teach you empathy you have a big problem!
Also @Doodmann I am also guilty of being a robot here and asking Dan the exact same questions I’m objecting to my dad asking me: ‘how do you want me to act’ —I used to say that a lot and not realized that it can be profoundly unhelpful
I feel bad at work pot lucks because, since I don't bring anything, I don't like eating anything since I'd be the free rider.
My D&D group is like this. There's three people who will host and cook like huge homemade meals and make it a big event and I'm like "I can bring beer or order a pizza or something?"
If you're buying a dessert, ice cream is a good choice. It's popular, everybody likes it, and generally high end commercial products like Häagen-Dazs are better than what you could make.
If they tell me to bring cookies bringing ice cream creates more drama than bringing mid tier cookies though.
not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
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TTODewbackPuts the drawl in ya'llI think I'm in HellRegistered Userregular
If you're buying a dessert, ice cream is a good choice. It's popular, everybody likes it, and generally high end commercial products like Häagen-Dazs are better than what you could make.
and you never have leftovers to worry about because at the end of the night it's an uneaten soupy horror that goes straight in the trash
if I marry I either have to marry someone who'll take over christmas gift logistics or I'll like, have to take a class
that complicated network is handled by the women in my extended family
all the men just load and unload gifts from cars at the times they are told, not understanding exactly why or where or how they all know who is going to stop by where when
it should be acceptable to just hand over $20 instead
that's enough to have a salad doordashed or something
I love potlucks. But I also love cooking.
Big City White People Potlucks are pretty lame. I mean, there will always be at least one person who will be a champ and bring the delicious vat of eggrolls or something, but nothing really beats a good Midwestern potluck, where quality and quantity are overflowing. Big City (insert ethnic community) Potlucks, though, are just as decadent and delicious.
If you're buying a dessert, ice cream is a good choice. It's popular, everybody likes it, and generally high end commercial products like Häagen-Dazs are better than what you could make.
Okay but if you know someone who actually can make great homemade ice cream go with that every time.
If you're buying a dessert, ice cream is a good choice. It's popular, everybody likes it, and generally high end commercial products like Häagen-Dazs are better than what you could make.
Okay but if you know someone who actually can make great homemade ice cream go with that every time.
all you need is a very impractically sized machine and some cream and sugar for that honestly
If they aren't happy with me stopping at the store and picking up some cookies and insist I actually cook the things myself is about when I stop caring. Sure I'll pick up some cookies for the party. "Now don't go to wegmans and cheat!" Fuck right the fuck off.
I don't need the hassle and I'm perfectly content with becoming an ogre in a swamp.
As someone who prides himself on slacking in the office and buttressing that with a ton of good home cooked food
Ffuuuuuuuuuck that you bring in those grocery store cookies I'm eating those bitches with a pot of coffee
@SummaryJudgment Your new Live Action Sonic avatar is terrifying, and I can imagine that movie Sonic is like Mr. Meeseeks, in that he wishes to die.
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TTODewbackPuts the drawl in ya'llI think I'm in HellRegistered Userregular
edited May 2019
If you hate potlucks here is a recipe for you
Fuck Potlucks
1 Bag of Lil Smokey Cocktail Weiners
1 Bottle of Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce
1)Empty both ingredients into a crockpot
2) Set to high
3) Oh shit do I run to the gas station real quick and grab toothpicks nah fuck it they can just scoop the shit onto plates and use their forks.
I used to love cooking for people. But too many times I’ve invited people over and they’ve canceled or I’ve brought a dish to a gathering and it wasn’t touched because people are afraid of chickpeas or something they can’t pronounce. They’re labors of love. I’d still love to cook for good friends but spending that time and energy for people to no show or be unadventurous is just devastating for me.
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TTODewbackPuts the drawl in ya'llI think I'm in HellRegistered Userregular
I think Sniper is missing the point that its for people who really just don't give a shit.
I would never recommend sweet baby ray's for something you care about.
If you're buying a dessert, ice cream is a good choice. It's popular, everybody likes it, and generally high end commercial products like Häagen-Dazs are better than what you could make.
Okay but if you know someone who actually can make great homemade ice cream go with that every time.
all you need is a very impractically sized machine and some cream and sugar for that honestly
Ice cream makers don't have to be huge, ours fits fine on a countertop, it just only makes small batches.
Posts
This depends a lot on the cake. There is a pretty major range of cake difficulty.
This is disgusting
many things about the experiences you report are surprising, yes
This has contributed to depression
see you can name your brand and amount if you want, if i get to bring a dessert or buy a thing that is a massive relief in any sort of pot luck situation
A thousand pardons good sirs and madams.
Currently DMing: None
Characters
[5e] Dural Melairkyn - AC 18 | HP 40 | Melee +5/1d8+3 | Spell +4/DC 12
since you said Nonna I'm inclined to trust you. we have a system but maybe I can talk them into doing that somehow.
hue hue hue :rotate: fuck america!
It's great, you get them off your table, and you can still admire the art of the cards hanging there.
Currently DMing: None
Characters
[5e] Dural Melairkyn - AC 18 | HP 40 | Melee +5/1d8+3 | Spell +4/DC 12
This was true in my case. My ex did all the cards and gifts and stuff like that.
I think one of the big thing that contributed to this was that in college all my best friends all made a deal to not get anymore gifts or anything for each other for anything that wasn't just a random wimsy sort of thing. The rewards were never worth the hassle for any of us. None of us really cared bout getting gifts so the anxiety caused to our friends over buying them was wasted. So, I hate to admit it. I really just started applying this logic to most of my family and shit too. I don't want you to spend money on me, so don't and I won't either.
Unfortunately, turns out some people like getting things more than just your love and trust.
I apologize for marginalizing those things. I know they are important to many. I guess if I could say one thing as a takeaway for what I’m thinking: as I often overlook or compartmentalize away these particular needs, I would invite others to consider whether the labor that they perform touches those they hope it does. The sort of labor I need is chronically under serviced by women and men alike ime.
As someone who prides himself on slacking in the office and buttressing that with a ton of good home cooked food
Ffuuuuuuuuuck that you bring in those grocery store cookies I'm eating those bitches with a pot of coffee
Maybe I Shouldn't have come back to work after my doc appt.
Show feet
To be clear, I feel this way when trying to teach my dad basic empathy, because when credeiki of all people is trying to teach you empathy you have a big problem!
Also @Doodmann I am also guilty of being a robot here and asking Dan the exact same questions I’m objecting to my dad asking me: ‘how do you want me to act’ —I used to say that a lot and not realized that it can be profoundly unhelpful
My D&D group is like this. There's three people who will host and cook like huge homemade meals and make it a big event and I'm like "I can bring beer or order a pizza or something?"
If they tell me to bring cookies bringing ice cream creates more drama than bringing mid tier cookies though.
and you never have leftovers to worry about because at the end of the night it's an uneaten soupy horror that goes straight in the trash
that complicated network is handled by the women in my extended family
all the men just load and unload gifts from cars at the times they are told, not understanding exactly why or where or how they all know who is going to stop by where when
Okay but if you know someone who actually can make great homemade ice cream go with that every time.
all you need is a very impractically sized machine and some cream and sugar for that honestly
Fuck Potlucks
1 Bag of Lil Smokey Cocktail Weiners
1 Bottle of Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce
1)Empty both ingredients into a crockpot
2) Set to high
3) Oh shit do I run to the gas station real quick and grab toothpicks nah fuck it they can just scoop the shit onto plates and use their forks.
Taking the CVS scented candle out of his hands and pointing towards the Vera Bradley store as he was shopping for a gift for his mom.
Getting thanked by name in the thank you note despite my name not being featured anywhere on the gift. she somehow knew
I would never recommend sweet baby ray's for something you care about.
Ice cream makers don't have to be huge, ours fits fine on a countertop, it just only makes small batches.
YOU SHOULD ALWAYS CARE ABOUT BBQ
Of any kind!