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Terrible Sex

17810121364

Posts

  • nateknatek Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    natek wrote: »
    natek wrote: »
    hot shit, I haven't had sex in four years D:

    don't feel bad, i got hammered drunk and made out with a fat chick the day after i got out of the army, and that's almost as terrible.

    luckily for me, i guess, she fell asleep earlier than expected.

    yes, it is generally good to avoid the fat chick scenario

    when I was in the dorms my friends and I were drinking and apparently their goal was t get me and this other kinda chubby chick together. I can't really put a measurement on it since it was vodka we were drinking but even though I was pretty drunk, I skillfully foiled their plans.

    but i mean there comes a certain time in a man's life when he just has to take the easy lay.

    just don't let her enjoy it

    natek on
  • YaYaYaYa Decent. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    current girlfriend's a bit on the heavy side

    she's the best lay I've ever had

    I think she's just grateful

    she's pretty, just not thin

    e: goddammit Graves

    YaYa on
  • geckonidaegeckonidae Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Graves what

    why

    geckonidae on
  • Jason ToddJason Todd Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Graves wrote: »
    Extract from Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs by Irvine Welsh (Cape)
    It was uncomfortably hot in Mary's flat, but Skinner took a seat opposite the fat old woman. - Can you help me? He said earnestly.

    - What's your problem?

    He told her that he believed that he had put a spell on somebody. He wanted to know if this was possible, how he could have done this, and how it could be reversed.

    - Oh aye, it's possible. Mary regarded him cannily. - I can help you, but I need payin first, son. Money's nae use tae me at ma age. Her eyes wrinkled. - You're a fine-lookin laddie, she said harshly. - A good cock, son, that's the payment I need!

    Skinner looked at her, and shook his head ...

    - Take oaf yir clathes then, let me see the goods, Mary rasped in lecherous cheer.

    As Skinner undressed, the old woman removed her coat and began to struggle out of a series of cardigans, pinafores and vests. Lying on the bed, she looked smaller but still monstrous, wrinkled rolls of flab spilling over the mattress. Foul aromas rose from the putrefying pools of sweat and dead skin trapped within the folds of her flesh. - Thoat ye'd be bigger, Mary pouted as Skinner removed his Calvin Klein briefs.

    Fuckin cheeky auld clart ...

    - Next time ah'll bring a strap on, he said bitterly.

    Ignoring him, Mary lay back on the bed and pulled away at the sagging corrugations of her body until she was able to locate her sex. - Ah've nae cream tae lubricate this. Ye'll huv tae use spit. Howk it up, she commanded. ...

    Work it in, Mary urged, as Skinner took his thick green slime and spread it like a chef might glaze some pastry, at the same time slowly breaching and exploring. A ludicrously distended clitoris popped out from nowhere like a jack-in-the-box, the size of a small boy's penis, and disconcertingly strangulated groans coming from the bed told Skinner that he was hitting the spot. After a while she gasped, - Pit it in now ... pit it in ...

    every once in a long while

    it is a good thing to be a virgin

    Jason Todd on
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  • Burden of ProofBurden of Proof You three boys picked a beautiful hill to die on. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zonugal wrote: »
    natek wrote: »
    hot shit, I haven't had sex in four years D:

    I'm at 20 years, some of us got real problems bucko!

    I think I'd be as bad at sex, as I am at foruming.

    I'm apparently very bad at foruming you see.

    Burden of Proof on
  • GravesGraves Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Tjasontodd -That isn't true.

    Unless you want to be sacrificed to the Gods of Fertility.

    Also I recommend you don't read the story I posted.

    Graves on
  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    Clint Eastwood on
  • BucketmanBucketman Call me SkraggRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    YaYa wrote: »
    Cloudman wrote: »
    Once my girlfriend and I were fooling around in her dorm room, it was like, 3 AM or something? Anyway, we were all alone and the lights were turned off when her roommate and her boyfriend come barrelling in and hop into bed and get down to business. There's no graceful way to extricate yourself from that situation.

    Oh, and he weighed like 350 pounds, so you can imagine the fun soundtrack to their drunken romp.

    the "i just ran a marathon" panting

    crinkle of cheeseburger wrappers

    whale calls

    I weigh 320 lbs. and I don't get super tired like that until like after 45 minutes to an hour of sex.

    Then again I did use to run a lot.

    Bucketman on
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    there are three things one has to do to be considered a Man

    1.) have sex out of wedlock

    2.) drink 100 proof liquor

    3.) try in earnest to kill a man

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • ZonugalZonugal (He/Him) The Holiday Armadillo I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Zonugal wrote: »
    natek wrote: »
    hot shit, I haven't had sex in four years D:

    I'm at 20 years, some of us got real problems bucko!

    I think I'd be as bad at sex, as I am at foruming.

    I'm apparently very bad at foruming you see.

    From what I have read and viewed, I don't think making witty retorts really comes into play during love making.

    Zonugal on
    Ross-Geller-Prime-Sig-A.jpg
  • geckonidaegeckonidae Registered User
    edited August 2008
    there are three things one has to do to be considered a Man

    1.) have sex out of wedlock

    2.) drink 100 proof liquor

    3.) try in earnest to kill a man

    what if you are a woman

    do you still qualify

    geckonidae on
  • Jason ToddJason Todd Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Graves wrote: »
    Tjasontodd -That isn't true.

    Unless you want to be sacrificed to the Gods of Fertility.

    Also I recommend you don't read the story I posted.

    i invite the fertility cults to do their worst

    no volcanoes round these parts

    just corn

    Jason Todd on
    filefile.jpg
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Cloudman wrote: »
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    it's weird but i have found that the skinny, 'hot' girls are just really no good at sex. so i guess you're right.

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • ZonugalZonugal (He/Him) The Holiday Armadillo I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Cloudman wrote: »
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    it's weird but i have found that the skinny, 'hot' girls are just really no good at sex. so i guess you're right.

    Is it that you are doing it with a skeleton, is that it?

    Zonugal on
    Ross-Geller-Prime-Sig-A.jpg
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    geckonidae wrote: »
    there are three things one has to do to be considered a Man

    1.) have sex out of wedlock

    2.) drink 100 proof liquor

    3.) try in earnest to kill a man

    what if you are a woman

    do you still qualify

    no these are qualifications to be a man, not to be a manly bull dyke.

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • nateknatek Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    there are three things one has to do to be considered a Man

    1.) have sex out of wedlock

    2.) drink 100 proof liquor

    3.) try in earnest to kill a man

    I almost accidentally choked out my friend when we were 11 and doing wrestling moves on each other

    if that counts then I am a man

    natek on
  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    of course i'm right

    unfortunately i seem to share this viewpoint with shibby

    i guess a broken clock is right twice a day, yuk yuk yuk

    Clint Eastwood on
  • BucketmanBucketman Call me SkraggRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.

    Bucketman on
  • ZonugalZonugal (He/Him) The Holiday Armadillo I'm Santa's representative for all the southern states. And Mexico!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.

    Just hope it doesn't light your home on fire.

    Zonugal on
    Ross-Geller-Prime-Sig-A.jpg
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.

    it's a coyote, you pussy. not a ravenous wolf. the only animal that's a bigger sack of shit than a coyote is a fox.

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.
    Tell him to stay away from your livestock

    Clint Eastwood on
  • geckonidaegeckonidae Registered User
    edited August 2008
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.

    have sex with it

    geckonidae on
  • nateknatek Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    geckonidae wrote: »
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.

    have sex with it

    buy it dinner first, don't wanna be crass

    natek on
  • BucketmanBucketman Call me SkraggRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.

    it's a coyote, you pussy. not a ravenous wolf. the only animal that's a bigger sack of shit than a coyote is a fox.

    Ok then, why don't you come out here and wrestle it or something then?

    I'm not a pussy, I just tend to stay away from things that could kill me.

    Oh, someone called the cops and animal control.

    Bucketman on
  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    my cat fucking clawed my arm today

    sometimes i really want to choke that motherfucker out

    Clint Eastwood on
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Cloudman wrote: »
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    I have to admit sometimes it hurts while going doggy style
    just
    pelvis bone man
    it hurts my hips


    but is it worth it to not be with a fat girl? god yes.

    scarlet st. on
    japsig.jpg
  • MeissnerdMeissnerd Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    cushion for the cushion??

    Meissnerd on
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.

    it's a coyote, you pussy. not a ravenous wolf. the only animal that's a bigger sack of shit than a coyote is a fox.

    Ok then, why don't you come out here and wrestle it or something then?

    I'm not a pussy, I just tend to stay away from things that could kill me.

    Oh, someone called the cops and animal control.

    a coyote will not kill you. when i was little the method for getting coyotes out of the neighborhood was to run up and kick them in the fucking head.

    if there are three dozen, starving, rabid coyotes and you're a six year old girl in a pitch dark open field, then maybe you should be worried.

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Tomorrow Bucketman will be dead and it will be all your fault, Longbaugh.

    Because he didn't know that the coyote had the rest of his friends hiding around the corner.

    DarkPrimus on
    usnTyq4.jpg
    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
  • Clint EastwoodClint Eastwood My baby's in there someplace She crawled right inRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Cloudman wrote: »
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    I have to admit sometimes it hurts while going doggy style
    just
    pelvis bone man
    it hurts my hips


    but is it worth it to not be with a fat girl? god yes.
    well there is a distinction to be made between chubby and fat

    a little meat on her bones isn't a bad thing

    to Meiss: fuck you

    Clint Eastwood on
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Cloudman wrote: »
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    I have to admit sometimes it hurts while going doggy style
    just
    pelvis bone man
    it hurts my hips


    but is it worth it to not be with a fat girl? god yes.

    you need to make that woman a hamburger

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
    NREqxl5.jpg
    hold your head high soldier, it ain't over yet
    that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
  • BucketmanBucketman Call me SkraggRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Bucketman wrote: »
    Oh shit guys, theres a coyote outside, like near my house or even in my front yard. I can fucking see it and its howl makes it sound like its sick. But I'll be damned if I'm going out there.

    it's a coyote, you pussy. not a ravenous wolf. the only animal that's a bigger sack of shit than a coyote is a fox.

    Ok then, why don't you come out here and wrestle it or something then?

    I'm not a pussy, I just tend to stay away from things that could kill me.

    Oh, someone called the cops and animal control.

    a coyote will not kill you. when i was little the method for getting coyotes out of the neighborhood was to run up and kick them in the fucking head.

    if there are three dozen, starving, rabid coyotes and you're a six year old girl in a pitch dark open field, then maybe you should be worried.

    See when I was a kid we went to this coyote habitat thing and they pretty much told us that if one was injured or hungry it would attack a person for a chance at a meal or out of anger.

    Anyway turns out it was a very very sick old wolf from the nearby forest, they took it to an animal shelter.

    Bucketman on
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    if bucketman dies because of me i will go out into the world and make it my mission to hunt and kill the coyote responsible and present the pelt to his family

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    But Longbaugh, you are the coyote.

    DarkPrimus on
    usnTyq4.jpg
    Gamertag: PrimusD | Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
  • Mister LongbaughMister Longbaugh Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    noooooooooooo

    Mister Longbaugh on
  • BucketmanBucketman Call me SkraggRegistered User regular
    edited August 2008
    if bucketman dies because of me i will go out into the world and make it my mission to hunt and kill the coyote responsible and present the pelt to his family

    I can see it now, after years in the wild, living with the Coyotes and decked out in furs and war paint with like some antlers from a deer on your head you approach my dads house, kneel and present the carcass to him. "Sir, I have fought hard and searched long to avenge your son. Here is the carcass of the great Wilikukin, the beast whom slayed your son."

    Then my dad would shoot him because hes an asshole.

    Bucketman on
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Cloudman wrote: »
    Cloudman wrote: »
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    I have to admit sometimes it hurts while going doggy style
    just
    pelvis bone man
    it hurts my hips


    but is it worth it to not be with a fat girl? god yes.
    well there is a distinction to be made between chubby and fat

    a little meat on her bones isn't a bad thing

    to Meiss: fuck you

    Do her thighs touch?

    scarlet st. on
    japsig.jpg
  • scarlet st.scarlet st. Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dyscord wrote: »
    Cloudman wrote: »
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    I have to admit sometimes it hurts while going doggy style
    just
    pelvis bone man
    it hurts my hips


    but is it worth it to not be with a fat girl? god yes.

    you need to make that woman a hamburger

    man no she is fantastic

    scarlet st. on
    japsig.jpg
  • Jason ToddJason Todd Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    if bucketman dies because of me i will go out into the world and make it my mission to hunt and kill the coyote responsible and present the pelt to his family

    pbf149svensrevengera6.jpg

    Jason Todd on
    filefile.jpg
  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited August 2008
    Dyscord wrote: »
    Cloudman wrote: »
    chubby girls are better

    i hate to drag out cliches, but more cushion for the cushion

    also smoke weed every day 420

    I have to admit sometimes it hurts while going doggy style
    just
    pelvis bone man
    it hurts my hips


    but is it worth it to not be with a fat girl? god yes.

    you need to make that woman a hamburger

    doggy style....pelvic bone? what?

    how thin is this person that their....bones hurt through the ass? is there something I'm not getting here?

    cooljammer00 on
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    3DS Friend Code: 2165-6448-8348 www.Twitch.TV/cooljammer00
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This discussion has been closed.